Hooved Shaman

Life Changes

2009-08-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

I've made a sweeping clean out of the friends that I've known in the past year. I was leaning on them thinking that they had my best interest at heart when in reality the interest they were looking out for was their own. Which was unfortunate to learn.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I live and die for the people that I bring into my life. Sadly sometimes that's taken advantage of. This was the case with a large number of people that I had surrounded myself with.

Earlier in the year I had moved in with a couple of friends who needed a place to stay. That blew up in my face as they both found ways to break my trust, even before they moved in with me. After learning about the unfortunate betrayal I had a gut check moment and kicked one out. About a month later the other person showed their true colors and once again, out the door they went. That left me with the center that I'd had for a while. Jen, Travis and Tracey.

Problem was that as I was dealing with my own house, they were pulling on me as well. When I was on the verge of kicking of my roommates out Tracey came into a situation where she needed a place to stay. I have a big heart, almost too big... and while I knew I was being taken advantage of, I hated the thought of kicking someone out. Jen, Travis and Tracey put pressure on me during that time and basically put out a "Get it done and move Tracey in or we'll all stop talking to you!"

Emotional blackmail is not cool.

More over, if you have friends that are using it to get you to do something, reconsider the friendship. I did what I was asked to do, I kicked one out and let another move in. The friendships after that, well you can't really call them that anymore can you? In the back of your mind you're always wondering if another situation will come up where that same ultimatum is thrown at your feet making you deal with a difficult decision.

Looking back, I think those friendships were over the moment they cornered me the way that they did but for a few months after that I tried as best as I could to maintain it. It never worked the same, at all.It's one thing to tell someone how you feel about a situation, it's another to try and sway them in the worst possible way and then wonder why things aren't the same anymore.

Personally I mourned the loss of those friendships but their decisions put me at arm's length and I was never able to get comfortable again.So I lost five friends basically. Five people that I thought were going to be long standing people in my life, two for lying and three for trying to control me and manipulate me in a manner that I didn't want to be.

When things finally came to an end it was completely toxic. I would go over, get sad and go home feeling like less of a person because of them. They befriended an ex of mine to trash talk me with, even though, if she only knew just how much they sat there and blasted on her for who she was long after she was gone, she might reconsider the friendship she's trying to drum up with them. However to each their own.

/end rant

On to other things. While that was slowly going South I ended up meeting someone that blew everything out of the water...I met Crystal.

Crystal was a bit of a mystery to me when I met her (she still is in some ways but none of them are bad). She is confident, sure of herself, smart, funny, insightful, beautiful beyond words and has been able to keep up with me in several different ways. We took a little bit of time to feel out the water but when we were both comfortable, the fireworks really exploded and have continued to do so.

You guys know that I've been trying to find someone, someone that could basically allow me to be me but also challenge me to grow and grow with me. There aren't enough words to tell you how I feel about her. She has been a constant and a sounding board. She's been there to pick up the pieces and challenges me constantly to look beyond the paradigm that I have about life, love, art, and anything else we talk about. She's not much of a comic fan though (I guess no one's perfect :P).

After two weeks of being with her, we both knew where we wanted it to go and life went ahead and took over.

She's currently four months pregnant with our first child.

She has a little girl who's five, who I love with all my heart, she's outstanding, smart, funny and a bit of a prima donna, but what little girl isn't. The Lord takes away but also gives back in spades. He took me out of a situation that was going to literally kill me with my first wife and after a season introduced me to a woman that was beautiful in His eyes and mine.

We got married on July 17th and have had nothing but blessings since we met.

The latest is that while I've enjoyed my time working for Clackamas County, a better job has been given to me.

It all started on a lark. I've basically been living with Crystal for about three months. I've had my place and have being paying rent, my lease ran out this month and hers ran out this month as well. So we both started wondering. Did we want to re-up for another seven months where we were or did we want to look elsewhere?

Crystal's mom lives in Lewiston, Id. (Which is on the Wa/Id border) and she and Grace, our five year old, are thicker than thieves. It's noticeable when they're together because Gracie absolutely glows with happiness. Our original idea was for baby to be born and then maybe next summer move closer so that they could spend more time together.

So knowing our lease is up, I started looking for jobs within the Lewiston area. I found a hospital, St. Joe's. If you want an idea of what kind of hospital it is, think of the biggest hospital in your area where everyone wants to work. Applications are put in and usually it takes about six months to even get a response.

I put my application in for a position at about 9:30 in the morning. By 1 I had an email from them asking some additional questions. A week later they were gracious enough to do a phone interview with me and 24 hours later I was offered the position of Surgery Unit Clerk. Just like that the door opened. After praying about it and talking to Crystal, we made the determination to take the position and start asap.

So I start the 1st of Sept. Full benefits the day I start and they are giving tutition assistance. I also decided to go back to school and get the nursing degree I should've gotten forever ago. So that's my up to date. The house is packed. My notice for work and my apartment is given. The goodbye bash is being held tomorrow night and Yun's, the favorite Friday hang out and in a week's time we'll pack a U Haul and truck over into the Wa/Id area.

Nothing is done alone.

There have been people with me the whole time.

Jacqui - My rock. My best friend in many respects. We've cried and laughed with each other and basically raised hell. My cheerleader when I've needed it and momma bear when required. Hearing her laugh every day will be one of the things that I truly will miss the most. Diet Squirt, Pepporoni Sticks and Bar food will always remind me of the good and bad times.

Leah - the devil horned angel. The most quiet one when she wanted to be, never afraid to speak her piece or say what needed to be said to get me breakdown and deal with a situation. Her continued support and brightside manner kept me going even on the days when I wanted to be done. Our early morning conversations have always been a bright spot each day and I"ll miss them. Without her steely attitude and determination I might have given up long ago. Thanks for showing me how to stand tall, even when the world is on your shoulders.

Nola - heh. the new kid. She's fit right in and being able to bounce off of her has been a blessing. I'm glad that we got to know each other in the short time that we have. I pray that you continue on being who you are and never giving up on what you want to do or who you want to become.

I know there are more people but these three, kept me sane in the recent tough times and not acknowledging that would be unfair.

My final week in Oregon is coming up fast and I've got a couple of things to do before I can close up shop. It's been an adventure but one that has come to an end, at least for now. As always it's uncertain what the Man has in store for myself or my family.

Thomas Wolfe was right

2009-02-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

Thomas Wolfe once said, You can never go home again.

In my mind’s eye when I used to hear that term I thought he meant, home as in, your childhood home, you’re parents and your relatives. Unfortunately that’s not the case. It doesn’t just touch on your childhood and the things that went on there. It’s talking about any point in time in your life where you once had a home and now you’ve moved on.

How do I know this?

I learned it the hard way. For some of you, you’ve followed along, for others; well you’re probably scratching your head wondering what I’m talking about.

Eight months ago, after almost six years of marriage, I woke up one morning and had a moment of clarity. I was in a situation where I was giving until I couldn’t give anymore and then asked to give again. I had reached my limit. I was living in a situation where my wife had been constantly drugged for the last two years. I had lacked in the many departments that help us get our needs met and all I was doing was care giving for someone who didn’t give about anything.

I gave her one month. I told her that if she could show me something, anything in that month that gave me some hope, that showed me that perhaps she did care. I would reevaluate the situation, stick around and work things out. The month came and went, I went with it.

The first couple of months were the hardest, I won’t lie. Having known that I would come home to the same person and be given a respite from life was warm and welcoming and suddenly I was living without it. I was living without the safety net that I had become accustomed to.

In the end, the edge of being alone got the best of me and I made some sad decisions when it came to dating, ask around and you’ll be told exactly what I’m talking about. It felt like a build up of crap, one bad thing to the next. Then I met someone who I thought was genuine and at the end of it I was still staring at the same issues that I had when I started.

Nothing went right for me. Be it by Devine design or just by bad decisions, I felt like the opposite of King Midas, where everything turned to dung.

Near the end of the year a few things happened. In October, I had a car accident, the vehicle in question was totaled but I was able to walk away without a scratch. Within the month I was able to get a new car for a small sum that was better than the one I had.

The relationship I had been nurturing it slowly and as quietly as possible. Not wanting any ripples, hoping that it wasn’t just a smoke screen, fell apart right in front of me in the span of two weeks. Like a bad paper-Mache that had finally dried out and started to crack under it’s own flaws. There was nothing to be done for it. I had to let it go.

Just as that was coming to a close I got a bombshell at the beginning of December. I was being kicked out. The owners of the apartments I was living in wanted to turn a quick buck with the down turn in the economy. They kicked out all of the month to month renters to make them into condos. Unfortunately for me, no one moves in December. This meant that I was stuck couch surfing for the month of Dec until I was able to get a place again in Jan.

This is where my biggest mistake lay.

I didn’t have a shortage of options. Looking back on it now? I probably had more options that I even realized then. I’ve talked to friends who have looked at me dumbfounded and wondered why I didn’t call on them. I think part of it was me just being stubborn.

M walked back into my life. She had gotten somewhat better. She was more like the person I remember in my mind’s eye. It blinded me. It made me feel like perhaps there was still a chance, still an opportunity. And, ever the optimist that thinks the best of people, I tried again.

The old resentments, the old anger, never really dies you know, it just slumbers. It waits for the time to rekindle itself. To catch on fire the soul of the person it breathes within everyday hoping for the opportunity to scream out that it’s right. It stews, it slumbers, it waits, and it hungers.
Slowly it consumed me. It took me by the hand and guided me through the steps, made me see the same things that had accumulated through the first time for so many years. Instead each time one of the old habits would crop up, I was aware, well aware of it and it gutted me. It tore me up and I would talk about it, how it made me feel, what I was worried about.

The week I was supposed to move out was the hardest. I was entrenched again in the same place I had been for years and as angry as it made me, it was comfortable, it was safe. Why should I crack my skull trying to start over when I could just fall into mediocrity and forget about it, forget about dreams, aspirations, hopes, desires and live a life amongst the unwashed and unknown, never blazing a trail for myself in this life or this World. Complacent in knowing that there was a warm body next to me, even if she wasn’t affectionate.

I debated because I feared. I feared because I had already gone all in with someone else and they hadn’t been able to cover my bet. I had shown all my cards and come up short of the winning hand. So what would make me think that the second time around would be better. What makes me think that it wouldn’t lead to a third try or fourth? How far was I willing to go? How often was I willing to bet all my chips?

I hemmed and hawed. It didn’t help that she wanted me to stay. It didn’t help that I wanted to stay. The strength that I had the first time I left wasn’t available. I had lost that yearning and burning because I was getting cowed again and I didn’t even see it.

If you ask me now what exactly it was that lead to my leaving, I still couldn’t tell you, that week was a complete blur. However I got out and was on my own. We tried to make it work. I know how much I gave to it. She has an idea as to what she put into it, I can’t speak for her. I’m not going to demonize the woman I once called wife but I will say that in my eyes the effort wasn’t enough and we ended up falling into our own ways.

This week I finally came to grips with the fact that the woman that I married that fine summer day was long gone and never to be seen again.

The second time, I think, was the hardest. It’s that finality that I know that there’s nothing else to do. There’s no where else to take this endeavor so with a heavy heart I’ve had to say it again. This time knowing that what I once called home is now nothing but an empty house.

Lich King Observations

2009-01-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been silent for quiet some time. Much of that has to do with the fact that I’m currently homeless. To use a sad term, I’m hoofing it.

Long story short: I got notice eight days before eviction, turns out the company that I was renting from went bankrupt. So I had to pack everything up from my little hut and put it in storage. Little known fact: December is usually the month where people move the LEAST because of the holiday season, which means that finding a reasonably priced place to live is impossible. I did manage to line up a place, I move in at the end of the week.

So that being said I’ve been couch surfing as it were. I’ve been playing more WOW again and just spent the Christmas season alone and you know what I got for Christmas? A lump of coal. Yep, that’s right, zip, zero, nada, the big empty.

In any event let’s move on to WOW shall we?

There’s several observations that I want to point out. The first of which is this: Being a Shaman is fun again.

Now I will admit this, my Death Knight, named Luknight, is the highest toon I currently have sitting pretty at 76. After her there is Lubacca, my druid, who is sitting at 73 and Luciel, everyone’s favorite shaman is sitting at 70 (two bubbles away from 71).

Observation 1: This expansion is no where near as difficult as the last. If anything it’s almost easier than Vanilla WOW. It appears there was some QQ-ing over the difficulty of Burning Crusade and Blizzard took it to heart, leaving us with a "Kill this many things" quest in EVERY SINGLE AREA so far.

Observation 2: While there are two starting areas, they play like you have to do Tundra first and then Fjord because of the difficulty. At least with a regular toon.

Observation 3: The world is over populated with Death Knights but only a fraction know what they are doing in any event. Making it harder to weed people out is the fact that you have to go through so many. The same can be said for ANY class obviously but because of the hype, 11 million people have a Death Knight. Think about that for a second. Yea, that sucks.

Observation 4: As much fun as I’m having playing, it’s no where NEAR as engrossing as Burning Crusade was.

Observation 5: The instances are both easier and faster to run. The only exception to that for me right now is Old Kingdom, which also happens to be my favorite with a HUGE cavernous area for the instance it makes it interesting to see how much time they put into it. It also has some side quests that help with xp.

Observation 6: The gear doesn’t jump as fast as Burning Crusades did, instead giving an increase in all aspects of gear slowly but surely. Case in point, Luciel is still decked out in his epics from PVP and has yet to fully turn in his epic weapons. That’s even after having cleared the first starting area. I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting that but I’m not upset by it in the slightest.
Those are just the ones that I wanted to get out there at this moment. I will try and bring this back to what it was, a WOW blog about misadventures and more, thoughts on the several classes I’m currently playing.

Til next time!

The Return

2008-11-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

News of my death…

… Has been highly overrated.

This is probably the most I’ve written in one week in a bit but this one isn’t a self reflecting blog.
Lick King came out last Thursday and DROVES of people went to buy it, I wasn’t one of them.

Not like with Burning Crusade where I was standing in line at midnight waiting for my copy. In this instance I really didn’t even know if I would ever play Warcraft again. Don’t get me wrong, I love the experience and as you can obviously see I’ve thrown plenty of time into the game, I just didn’t know if I’d have the resources and time to continue to play.

Divine Forsaken has been my home for the better part of almost two years now and I’ve made some very outstanding friends. One of them is Forester, or Don in RL.

When Don and I met, we were in Aerie Peak, the default server at the time. We were in the same guild together and for the life of me I can’t remember what it was called at the time. I met some awesome people and at one point some of the people I met, who were just trying out a new server and were going back ‘home’ invited me to come with them. I refused. At the time I thought that I would always be at Aerie Peak.

So Don and I were on the same guild and you have to understand that if I have something on a character and someone else needs it, I don’t think about gold, I think about how I can help someone. Don was new to the game (And honestly so was I, I think I had been playing two months at the time.), had an extra of some weapon and went onto guild chat to try and sell it to some other guild member.

At the time, and still, I held that ‘help others’ first motto and I blasted into him basically about how there’s honor in guild and you don’t sell to a guild member to make a profit, you help them. From that moment we were inseparable. We quested together a lot, we did some dungeons and started new characters together. Then one day I was just sick of Aerie Peak and the wait times and I moved to Nordassil. I’ve been on that server since. Yes I trekked the other servers and hung about but home has been Nord and Divine Forsaken.

I raised four of my 70s there. One was a transfer from Aerie (McGregor) but the rest, home ground from that soil. I’ve watch the server mature if not get more populated. I’ve watched friends come and go and when I left M and the house that she and I ambled about in, I thought that I was done with the game.

Then I get a text on Monday from Don. He’d already gotten the expansion and wanted to know when I was going to start playing and I told him that I may just not play with the expansion at all.

Then I heard nothing for a day.

Then he asked if it was available for download, the expansion, yet. I said it was.

He sent me that Serial number and a 60 day pass card number through a text. He didn’t ask for payment. He didn’t ask if I could give him something in return. He just sent that and then the following text, "See you in game bro! LOL"

People who don’t understand gaming like to make fun of World of Warcraft players and how they don’t have any friends in the real world so they create an account. The question is, how much more authentic a friend are you going to find here in ‘real life’.

I think many of you would understand my thought process, here is a person who I’ve never met in person or ever had a meal with and they went out of their way to get me a game and time to play it with. Might not seem like a big deal to the naked eye but think about it.

I just wanted to share that with you because I think that’s the kindest token I’ve received in a supremely long time and I’m feeling very blessed with the true friends that I have, even the ones I didn’t realize I had.

So be prepared to have a smattering of WoW again and the adventures I’m bound to have.

Where are you?

2008-11-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

Honestly I can say that in this life I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve been:
A student
A teacher
A lover
A fighter
A writer
A preacher
A wanderer
A healer

And still I don’t know what my life is going to look like. It’s not about labels however, it’s not that I want the world to look at me and say, “There’s So and So and he’s a (fill in the blank)” it’s about wanting to know who I am within myself.

Each aspect of who I am within my life has been a heartstring, something I’ve felt adamantly about. In one way or another I’ve felt righteous when I’ve taken the stands that I’ve taken. I’ve never looked back at them and thought, “What a waste.” Instead, I’ve felt proud of standing my ground when that choice has been made.

Even today with the wreckage that I’m slowly leaving behind in my life I feel like I’ve made the right choice, the choice that will help me reach whatever ultimate goal it is I’m supposed to fulfill in life.

I’ve had several people over the years tell me that I’m here to do something wonderful. Something that’s going to change something in the world, that everyone will know about in some way.

I don’t live for that.

I say, we’re all here for something wonderful to be done. It’s the definition of the word that changes, the outcome that’s different.

To some the fact that they’ve gotten that type of thing said about them would make them proud, arrogant and eager to see what tomorrow brings, to face the world with a smug look in their eyes that says, “I got this.”

I can’t say the same. Oh don’t get me wrong, I look to tomorrow with an eagerness that’s only surpassed by the imagination of a nine year old who doesn’t really know that the world’s going to chew them up and spit them out. But proud and arrogant? Not a bit. Instead I tread lightly and realize that the choices that I make not only affect my now but those around me as well and the future that might happen if things go well.

One of my favorite arguments is free will vs. pre-destination.

Hear me out. If God knows you’re every move and where you’re supposed to end up, how is it that you have free will?

Answer: Just because God knows each and every spoke on the wheel of your life it doesn’t mean He knows which direction you’re going to pick until you pick it.

Think about it. You know that at some point your child is going to run into drugs or alcohol. You KNOW this, it’s a fact of life. The question is what your child is going to do with it once that choice is in front of them. Sure there’s something that you want them to do, a choice you would prefer for them to make but in the long run it’s a decision that’s out of your hands and you can only hope that you’ve instilled enough in them for them to make the right choice.

Mother/Father is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all children.

God is no different. He is the perfect parent but even He has to leave some of the decisions of life to us.

So in this thought I sit. What does my Father want me to do? I know He’s not angry at me for my choices, He honors them, even if He doesn’t agree. But is there a way that He would have me go. Is there a road that I should be taking? Will I ever stand before the mirror and know without a shadow of a doubt that my choices are the ones that I’m supposed to take, I don’t know.

What I do know is that those burning questions are what drive me in my everyday life and they are what I think about when I’m making a choice, good or bad, right or wrong.

How about you? Does any of this burn within you? Do you dwell on these questions in hopes of finding something better in your life? I’d love to know if you do, I’d love to know that I’m not the only one.

Road Map

2008-11-17T15:50:00.001-08:00

Life is funny isn’t it? In a sense we’re born into this world without a road map of our lives and are expected to make the right choices without knowing what that choice is going to do to the people around you or to you long term.

As children we’re told about the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Basically if you want people to be nice, be nice to them. It’s something that over the years we forget because we all want respect. We feel that we DESERVE respect and as such, won’t give any out until some is given your way.

I’m thirty years old as I write this. At this age I’m still asking the question of, what now?

I’m sure none of you are surprised by this if you’ve read any of my blogs. I’m constantly trying to figure things out. Constantly trying to use this space to make myself a better person and by the same token, show you how a person can grow and what are the obstacles that he’s facing that force him to do so.

One of the things that I’ve come to realize in the current past is that with as much bitching as I do about change, I handle it better than most people.

I have to wonder sometimes if there isn’t something broken inside of me. Something that’s sick or twisted that doesn’t feel that I deserve happiness or that I put myself in situations where in the long run I won’t be happy.

Am I perhaps torturing myself because I feel like I don’t deserve anything but malice and anger in my world. I honestly don’t know. I know that I keep getting all of these chances thrown at me and each time I balk, bitch, or decide it’s not for me.

Sarah had me watch Brokeback Mountain just last week. I hated it. Not for all of the ways that you THINK I would hate it but because it made me look in the mirror (Shut up and just keep reading, it doesn’t mean I’m in the closet.) The two characters are Ennis and Jack. They work together one summer high up in Brokeback Mountain watching over sheep and become really close. So close that the line between life long friends and life long loves gets blurred and they cross it.

The thing about it is that they’ll two sides of the same coin. Ennis is unwilling to look past his fear of what would happen to allow the love to take on fully what it should be. Jack on the other hand is willing to drop everything for Ennis thinking that a future with him would be the only thing in his life to make him happy.

They go on like this for 20 years.

Something happens and Jack’s life is snuffed out, leaving Ennis to pick up the pieces. He realizes that Jack has always thought highly of him, enough to talk to his parents about Ennis and the dream that he has for the two of them.

At the end of the movie Ennis is left with nothing but regret, longing and loneliness.

I realized at that moment, watching the screen with Heath Ledger tearing up thinking about his best friend and possibly only true love Jack and how he missed out on a wonderful life long adventure because of his own fear. Because of his own inhibitions and because of his own stigma. He lost everything, without ever reaching out to it, even though it was right in front of him.
Am I living my life like this? Are my own stigmas about myself and life holding me back? Am I constantly looking back instead of forward, worried that I’ve left behind something wonderful and will never find something to equate to it?

I was angry when I finished the movie, I was angry that the mirror was staring at me and that I had to see the cracks in the image. (no pun intended)

I look back at M and I know that I made the right choice but honestly can’t help but be angry and hurt over the fact that I know, I know, if she had followed through and grown with me, there would be something magical between us still.

Now? Now I live in fear that even capturing a glimpse of that will be impossible. That I’ll not live up to anyone’s expectations or someone won’t live up to mine. I’m afraid that I’m just some cipher that was hiding carefully behind someone with more issues than myself.

Do I fear life? No. I fear failing at life and I won’t know whether I did or not until it’s too late.

I asked Jen if she sometimes wished she had a crystal ball, she said yes.

Personally? I wish I had a road map to tell me which way to go.

All Hallow's Eve

2008-11-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

All Hallow’s Eve has come and gone, the goblins, ghosts, princesses and pirates have all been put to slumber for one more year. In that time everyone will be a year older and in that we can all rest assured.

This was the first Halloween where I wasn’t home for five to six years. Instead I was taken to a concert for a band named “Smoochknob”. Seems they’re a local band that recently got signed by the same label who produces the Killers. They have a good sized following and they have great stage presence.

The concert itself was at a club in Downtown Portland named Dante’s, as in Dante’s Inferno. If you try to picture the type of people you would find there, you’d be wrong. From industrial, to older, to my age, to younger, all walks of life were there for this concert.

The atmosphere in Dante’s is a mix between upscale posh and downtown punk. The walls are covered in a red crushed velvet, there’s three bars with about six bartenders and one roaming waitress. I’m told that usually there’s tables and chairs but for this party, it was standing room only. There were a few bar stools that were never unoccupied the entire night, I was there for over four hours.

The sound board is by the front door, next to that there’s an open fire, it is Dante’s after all, and beside that there’s a door for the kitchen. You pick up your food, no one to serve you. To the left of that is the first bar. It’s right in front of the freezer and dishwasher, there’s always one person coming out with steaming hot crates of clean glasses. To the left of that there’s the stage which is probably a third of the club itself.

Then there’s the smoking section. At the beginning of the year Oregon is going to a smoke free environment which means that soon smokers won’t be able to even have a smoking section at a restaurant. So they have a bar that wraps around two pillars, essentially making it two bars, one for the smokers and one for the non smokers. In the smoking section there’s some slot machines, and of course the bands set up their wares there to be sold.

The concert was three local bands.

The first: Cellar Door. It appears that it’s a local band that’s been together for three years or more. The concert was a Halloween theme party, so everyone was in costume. The lead singer of Cellar Door came in and wore something that everyone else was going to wear but took it a step further. He came dressed as the Joker, in his nurse disguise. Definitely one of the best costumes of the night, he wore it like he was Ledger’s stunt double. The band itself was kinetic as they were a mix of Fuel, STP, Black Crowes and Live. They did a five song set and sold me instantly on them, the songs were full of lyrics that make you think but can be fun as well.

The second act: Sinnergy

Another local band, they delved right into the hard metal that many find inspirational but I found to be drab as a follow up to Cellar Door. I mean, they were complete opposites in energy and musical styles for the most part. They did one song which I enjoyed the version of, Possum Kingdom, originally done by the Toadies. They captured a lot of that essence that made that song so bad ass to begin with and they did rock it well. The rest of the set wasn’t as memorable.

The main event.

Smoochknob. If you haven’t heard of them yet you will next February when they’re major label debut comes out. They were just recently singed and I can see why. They have a good gimmick and a good hook. The songs are short, much like many of Green Day’s songs were back in the day. Energetic, silly lyrics and great stage presence, the majority of the crowd was there to see them. It was already midnight when they took the stage and they were going to play until closing, so about a 2 hour set. The songs that I heard were funny, the crowd was extremely interactive and they also have their own type of groupie, smooch grrls. Still, even with them being on stage, I really feel like Cellar Door just took the cake that night and it was hard to live up to the energy they brought to the gig.

I will admit that I felt extremely out of my element. Most of the people came dressed up for Halloween, the largest group was in their twenties and were looking to get high and find some free love. It’s never been the biggest part of my scene. Sarah saw just how, odd I felt in the whole situation and understood. We meet two of her friends there but a concert is not the best way to get to know someone you’ve never met, I mean it’s loud as shit for crying out loud!

In case you’re wondering, not sure if you are can’t tell anymore, the relationship is going well. There’s a lot of respect by both parties and our sails are set for the same course.

We have our moments don’t get me wrong. It’s not like we walked into this from the best of situations, either of us. We both have doubt, we both have fear of the things that have fucked us up in the past. Both from relationships and just overall past, it happens right? No one walks into a relationship freshly minted.

One of the things that I have noticed about her is that she’s unsure a lot. She worries about the past, the things she’s done. She looks at the future and it’s almost too much for her, she looks at the big picture. I don’t have to tell you guys that looking at the big picture will swallow you whole, you have to look at small chunks.

I look at my past and I cringe. I know I’ve done some messed up things. I know that I’ve made some mistakes and I know that I’ve been used as an emotional punching bag one too many times but I can’t let that rule me. To do that would be to basically admit that I can’t live my life, that I’m so stuck on the things that have happened that I can’t move on. I’m sick of being stuck in neutral and I know that’s how I felt for so long with M.

Shannon asked me once, “Hoovey, how do you fall in love with people?”

It was a good question, it still is, occasionally I think about it and I still hold true to the answer. I look at the person, the REAL person, not the personae they want to portray, not the person everyone else says they are, I look at the things that make them a complete and unique person and then I look at their potential. The potential of a person and the overall good of a person is what draws me to them. It’s what shows me just the type of person that they are and from that is where I usually make my determination about how I will feel in the long run.

Sarah, has oodles of potential. Here is a woman who’s coming into her own, fresh ideas, great beliefs and an overall good person. Don’t get me wrong she’s made mistakes in her past, there’s things that she’s not proud of just like there’s things that I’m not proud of but I can see the overall in her and the good definitely outweighs the bad.

Still, she lives in fear. There are times when I catch her and she’s so caught up thinking about past mistakes or feeling like she won’t accomplish anything in life because of the things that have happened to her. The times that she does that are few but when they happen I see just how fragile she can be. I see that she’s still in a state of flux, that she could go either way if allowed. Sometimes that scares me.

Why?

Basically and simply, I don’t want to see her waste that potential. I don’t want to see her become stagnant. I don’t want to see us drift apart. In the time that I’ve known her, she’s shown me a lot of fun, a lot of truth and a lot of herself. I don’t want to give that up.

Does that make sense?

All Hallow’s Eve. Halloween, where people dress up and pretend to be something their not. Occasionally we do that in the everyday aspect of life but the rare time when you can have someone take the mask off they wear on a regular basis? That’s when you’re blessed.

Halloween Campfire Stories (Kinda)

2008-10-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

Next week is Halloween, the best time of the year to pull a nice prank, to go around and have a great party or to just run around collecting candy.

I’ve had my moments during Halloween just like the rest of us. I can think of a few times where I’ve really enjoyed Halloween.

When I was ten, I was living in the Miami area, we had just moved to a house and the area was ripe with kids about my age. We never sat and completely associated with each other but we knew of each other’s presence. To this day I can’t remember anyone’s name from that night but I know that we decided to go out and have some fun.

I never was very good for costumes; I usually just tossed something together at the last minute and hoped for the best. This year my best was basically one of my sister’s dresses and a basketball. I was a pregnant woman. (Yea I know super sad.)

So me and two or three other ghouls got together, grabbed about 3 dozen eggs and walked the streets. We’d pick our targets at random. Perhaps a kid walking on the other side of the street, maybe a house that didn’t have any decorations. Whatever. The point was that we wanted to have some fun… DAMNIT!

At one point we decided cars would be the best bet. We lived in an area that had a main drag right next to it and a service road running parallel to it. We found some bushes, squatted low and waited for what we considered to be the best cars… the newer ones. We managed to hit three or four without incident, the drivers either didn’t feel the eggs, weren’t sure WHAT was going on or weren’t willing to stop in case there was trouble.

Still, the rules of probability state that just because things happen one way, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect it to stay that way. An Accord was driving through the service road, we tossed three eggs on it and it screeched to a halt. The tail lights burned bright red like the eyes of a demon who’s found it’s prey. The four of us took a quick glance at each other and booked it. The Acura peeled some rubber and headed forward, made a right and started to double back, they were going to try and catch us on the other side of the street.

I took the district bus to get to school every day and it so happened that my stop was on the little connecting street between the two roads. I knew the owners of the house by my stop because they let me sit on their front porch until the bus got there. I jumped over their fence, lost my basketball and hid behind the front porch pillars. The Accord sped past us, stopped, backed up and cruised the area slowly. He did this for about twenty minutes. His passenger side window down, the driver side window up, the windows were tinted. He was concealed in the shadows. We weren’t worried that he was an off duty cop, we were worried that he HATED the cops.

That last car was the end of that night. It just wasn’t enough fun.

The other time I can remember I was living away from home. It was my junior year and I picked up Moshe, Omar and Mick and we were driving to Miami’s Haunted House extravaganza. It was chilly I suppose. All the windows were up and we were driving along when we felt that all too familiar impact of eggs hitting my car. I came to a stop, pulled to the side of the road and surveyed the damage. Four hits, passenger side and it had happened within a hundred feet of where we stopped.

I didn’t get back into the car. Not me, I decided we would WALK back and see who had caused the issue.

The unfortunate part of that decision is that this was Omar’s neck of the woods and well, he wasn’t very well liked by some of his neighbors. They had seen us pick him up and when they saw us walking toward them, well that just made their evening.

To make a long story short, we showed up to the haunted house and while Mick, Moshe and I came away clean, Omar looked like Humpty Dumpty AFTER his fall.

You can always bet on at least one good story from Halloween experiences.

Thoughts of the year so far

2008-10-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

If you ask some people, change is a four letter word. It instills dread and fear into the hearts of which it takes place. Humans, as a rule, are creatures of habit. They do the same thing day in and day out. They go to the same haunts during the weekend and mingle with the same people over and over again. In some circles, people become so comfortable with each other that the inner circle knows each other intimately.

This year has been about change. I might have already touched on it before. I’m not willing to search older blogs to know for sure but I know this much. Change affects everyone.

For my two friends Jen and Travis the change has been one that has forced and is forcing both of them to grow. From the rubble of both their lives they realized that had something special in each other and have decided to follow it through. In doing so though, they are challenging each other to grow and change out of the way that they’ve handled relationships before and try something new, learn something different. If you ask them they’ll tell you that they’re the happiest they’ve ever been and I believe it , but I also know that change can be daunting.

Ryan, one of my oldest friends, has had several changes this year as well. He’s gone from a single man to a husband, he’s moved into a better location and he’s managed to go back into school to study for a field he has always had interest in. All of those have ups and downs attached to them. In walking that path though, he’s becoming a better person, a better husband and a better friend.

Shannon, the immovable object, has finally found the unstoppable force and decided that while her times alone have been fun, perhaps there is more to life than that and made the decision to try and remember what a relationship can look like.

I’ve got several other examples that I can toss out. Several things that I noticed this year and I know that many of you are saying, "Life is about change." Yes. This is true but so much change at such a quick pace? That’s not something I’ve ever seen. Most cases, one person’s life changes but everything remains status quo until that’s been absorbed and everyone can cope. Not this year.

This year, which is rapidly coming to a close, has really tested everyone’s ability to grow up and move on. It’s trying and difficult, it’s brought me to the verge of tears a couple of times if you know me at all.

Personally? There was a point in the year where I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to see the end of it all. I seriously had doubts whether my sanity or my desire to live would continue to hold and if it wasn’t for excellent friends and fantastic people around me that lent me some support when I didn’t think I could do it alone, that I’m still here.

The beginning of the year was rough; I don’t have to tell you. My misadventures during the summer could’ve put me in the grave (Insert Ariel jokes here). Because many of my choices were self destructive. I went against everything I was being told,, everything I was taught to do and I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I think that I started getting it right a little over a month ago. I got all of those bugs out of my system, the partying, the bed hopping, the everything that you’re told to do when you’re young.
I think the accident was my catalyst. In that moment, in that specific moment in time, I think I saw everything crystal clear for the first time since the buzzing began in my head. The buzzing that told me that my life for the last 2 ½ years had nothing to truly show for it except hurt, pain and the feeling that I wasn’t enough.

In that moment, I felt it all melt away and I felt centered again. Stupid as it sounds, I felt like it gave me that straight shot to where I’m supposed to be in my heart, where my brain is supposed to be centered on, and what my soul should be trying to accomplish.

The year is drawing to a close and I find myself better off than I was at any other time this year, or for several years in point of fact. I have my own place. The first place that’s been mine in I don’t know how long. I don’t have to depend on someone else to have a roof over my head.

Losing my car cleansed me of so many things I was holding onto from my past. The more time passes the more I remember other little things that were the car that I didn’t bother to try and grab. Did I forget that stuff because I didn’t care? Did I forget it because it was blocked from my memory? Did I forget it because holding on to it would have been holding on to a past that caused me hurt? I’ll never know, at least not in this life.

My perspective of this life that I live is much different now. I feel more solid. I feel like there’s something for me to accomplish now. I feel like, time is on my side.

I’ve got a beautiful girl by my side, a nice flat, a great ride, a stable job and great friends. It’s more than I could ask for at any one time and I’m getting it all at once.

Life is good. Don’t stress out about the same things in life. Money comes and goes, places to live and cars can be replaced. Feuds within family are common. Love, Health, and Happiness, those three things, no matter what you may hear, are priceless. Don’t ever take them for granted.

Sarah

2008-10-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sarah.
I’ve been asked about the mysterious Sarah and we’ve gotten enough time under the belt where I feel more relaxed in telling you about her. Part of the reason that I’ve waited so long I’m sure I don’t have to spell out for you. The Ariel fiasco left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and honestly after the complete and utter fool I made of myself with that whole thing, I considered taking this blog back to what it originally was, just a WOW blog with stupid little factoids that I found interesting and though no one else knew just yet.
As you can tell, I’ve decided to continue to share my exploits. Not because I’m a sucker for punishment but because I feel that since I’ve already started this, I should see it through. If you’ve read this steadily you’ve seen me at my worst, it can only get better right?
So, after the Ariel fondue that I ended up mixing, I decided to take some time to myself. For about a week I went about my business, I did a lot of writing, I got together with friends, and I just spent time by myself. It was great. I was very thrilled to just me. I got some good story ideas going and everything. (I’m still dabbling in them)
Remember, this was also the week of my birthday. I spent three days getting happily buzzed with friends and family. Then on Sunday I was supposed to rest. Travis and Jen recruited me to help them move some things but as it turned out we got a stay of execution. So I didn’t have to go.
At this same time Sarah’s going through some shit. See, Sarah ended up in a similar situation like I did in the same time frame. While I was burning life away with Ariel, she was getting played a rag named Troy. A Juggalo (Points if you know what this means, if you know what this means and you ARE one…well then….ick.)
Troy won the fair lady’s heart in a cheap way. She was already wounded; he swooped in and made himself look like the knight valiant. Trouble is that he couldn’t keep up the front just like Ariel couldn’t keep up hers. He strung her along, promised marriage, kids and the whole kit and caboodle. Does that sound familiar? So that weekend the façade drops and Troy walks. He’s been living with her this whole time but still had a fiancée that had just had surgery waiting for him as well. It was some sick game, a game where they find ways to make each other so jealous they figure out they can’t live apart and Sarah had been caught in the cross fire.
We’d been keeping in contact for a while now. She would root me on with my relationship with Ariel and I would do the same for her and Troy, send updates and when my bubble popped and found out what was truly what, I let her know. So when it happened to her, she did the same. That’s when we decided to meet up for a meal. We both needed to vent, we needed to talk to someone who had been through something similar and would understand how we felt.
Meeting her was like falling back into routine. We’d been messaging back and forth on MySpace for a bit but it was our first encounter. There wasn’t any of the awkwardness that you usually expect to encounter when meeting someone for the first time, it was like we just hadn’t seen each other in a bit and things were back to status quo.
We went to Shari’s, the local eatery, and just talked. We talked for about fourteen hours straight that first day. We spent a good while at Shari’s, then went to a park near her house, decided we were hungry again and went back to Shari’s.
Okay, you’ve read this far. At least I hope you have. If you’re anything like my friends Jen and Travis you are at this point shaking your head and thinking, "Dude, what are you doing?"
Before I left to meet Sarah I had Jen and Travis over at my place. We had just finished some beers and were hanging out. I told them I was going out to counsel someone, which is exactly what I was headed out to do, that was my mindset. That’s all I had in mind. They warned me. They told me to just do what I was going to do, talk to her and then head home.
Here I am fourteen hours later and I have spent all day and night talking to her. I head home and get some sleep. In that conversation we covered a million topics it feels like and it went from coming out to counsel to having found a good friend to realizing that there was something more than that there, to understanding something pretty fundamental about each other. We matched. Plain and simple. Our frame of reference, our humor, our sense of honor and truth, our ways in handling certain things.
I went to see her again that Monday. I had the day off of course cause of my birthday and used it to my advantage, we spent another long day and half the night talking about things, sharing pasts and secrets and anything else that might come to mind.
Tuesday I met with Jen and Travis and it didn’t go like I thought it would. It was another ‘intervention Tuesday’ where they sat me down and told me what’s what. They of course voiced their concern.
"Bro, you’ve been spending a lot of time with this girl. Are you getting serious again? Are you falling head over heels? Leading with your head?"
What do you say to something like that. I admit, leaving M was the best and worst thing. I left her in hopes of finding someone better and up until that Tuesday I had possibly ONE or two people that I thought could fit the bill. How do you tell your best friends some song and dance they’ve heard before. At one point Travis told me he thought that having Ariel in our place had turned it into a crack house. My judgment has obviously been impaired when it comes to women.
"No, I’m not. I’m just taking it slow, seeing where it leads."
"What is it about her that you feel you need to keep seeing her?" Jen asked.
It was a question I didn’t want to answer. And I didn’t answer it for a while. We had been playing the question game about Sarah for hours now, there’s only so much you can take before it gets annoying.
"Notice how he’s not answering the question?"
That tore it, "Notice how I’m not answering cause I’m done answering your questions and this fucking game?"
Any other time, I probably would have laughed it off but for some reason, the line of questioning and mocking behind their voices really irked me. Jen and I went outside alone to talk after ten tense minutes.
"What was that about? Are you mad at me?"
"You kept pushing Jen."
"I always push. Why won’t you answer the question?"
Sigh, "You can’t tell Travis this. One of the main things that I like about her is that she reminds me of you. I didn’t have a lot of great role models when I was growing up and obviously my taste in women sucks. In many ways you’re my ideal. Not that I feel that way for you, you’re my sister. But I see how you are with family, with your daughter, with Travis and that’s the standard that I set my bar to. Sarah, in more ways than you know, is very much like you."
Does that make sense? Think about when you were single, or if you’re single now, who did you use as your standard? Who did you measure others by that you were interested in? For girls, it’s usually their dad. For guys, usually their mom. I can’t say that I felt that strongly about either. In my adult life Jen has been the one that points things out to me about a relationship that works. Why not use her as a measuring stick. Thing is that with Sarah, she was honestly and genuinely meeting the bar and surpassing it.
That answer quelled that uprising and I left their house with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like I hadn’t said enough, but they understood that it had to see it through. That night I went back to see her again after Jen and Travis and I talked to her about everything that was said, everything I thought and more. I had my first deep spiritual conversation that I hadn’t had in months. I was able to be silly, I was happy again.
The rest of the week went the same way. I’d want to hear her voice so I’d go see her, or call her. It wasn’t that puppy love feeling. It was a feeling of a cauldron finally being stirred up enough to be able to produce molten lava to seal up wounds.
That Thursday Sarah met Travis and Jen. Softball is a great place to talk. Jen liked her instantly, Travis not far behind.
That weekend I had her spend some time at my place alone. Talking, enjoying the company, feeling everything out to see if we would drive each other nuts. We didn’t. Instead we grew closer. We were willing to be honest with each other about everything.
When M called that weekend, and asked for money for more medications, Sarah was there holding my hand the entire time. She didn’t tell me what to do, she listened.
When I had my accident a couple of days ago I didn’t get one recrimination, what I got was love, support, understanding and respect. After everything settled down and we were able to talk in private, she cried. They weren’t tears of anger like I expected but of fear losing me.
For once I feel like it’s a partnership. I feel like I’ve found someone who gets me but also more than that, gets things about me that even I don’t see. If you notice though, this is very different for me. It’s mature in a way that there isn’t a bunch of bickering, nit picking or placing blame. We’re working together on everything that comes our way.
Next Tuesday the 14th will be a month since this started. I have known a lot of peace in that month. I don’t feel like I have to showboat or pretend and neither does she.
I’m hesitant to say more of anything because I’m cherishing every moment of this time with Sarah. She is truly one of a kind and it’s something that I’m cautious with. I will mention her more often and now that you have some of the background hopefully you’ll get it.

Brushing...

2008-10-08T16:33:00.001-07:00

It’s been a bit since I made an entry. I figured now would be the best time to do it.
I’m going to start backwards, instead of catching you up.
These last two days have sucked and been good in their own ways. Monday morning I woke up ready to go into work. I got dressed, new shirt, jeans, fedora, and sprung sneaks. I make my way out of room to the living room, getting ready to leave and I suddenly feel like a guy at a restaurant. I got all the fixings but I need a steak, I can’t find my keys.
My keys, my ever loving keys that start my car, my Saturn, my Betty and get me to work.. I can’t find them. I spent the weekend at the house of my girlfriend, it’s a high likely hood that that’s where they are. Unfortunately her mother lives forty five minutes away in the wrong direction. My day is shot. I call into work and I explain to them how I lost my stupid keys and I can’t come to work.
I call my insurance and they send pop-a-lock who is able to make me a spare key, for 65 dollars. Money I don’t have but NEED to spend since I use my car EVERYDAY! By the time I get my key done it’s 3 o’clock, the day is wasted but I spend the time to make dinner for Sarah for when she gets home. Why not right?
Tuesday is a brand new day. It’s also my late day. I wake up on time, get dressed and head out the door for work. I’ve got my spares in my pocket, a full tank of gas, half a pack of smokes and a nice cold beverage to keep me company. I head down the rural road (Hogan) that I take to hit one of the main drags (212).
Speed limit’s 45, so I’m cruising. I’m smoking a cigarette, rolling down in fifth gear. Hogan has two Y splits in the road. The last one takes you over about a country mile and then leads back down to 212. The difference is that Hogan has a school zone at the end of its bleed into 212 which slows you down considerably. Normally I would take the last Y out of Hogan and just continue to cruise.
For some unknown reason I didn’t take that Y turn yesterday morning. When I do I usually slow down some since it’s a bit of a curve and the road itself is windy. Instead I continue down Hogan, I hit the small hill and come down on the other side and I can’t feel traction on my wheels…at all. I swerve into oncoming traffic where there’s three cars coming. The first one is maybe one hundred fifty feet away. I can hear Cross Canadian Ragweed’s "Hey Hey" playing on my Ipod. My cigarette was tossed out the window and I’ve got both hands on the wheel. I try to correct the slip into the other lane, manage and then slip back. I figure at this point the only thing that matters to me is that everyone be safe.
I manage to keep the swerve going into the median, which is someone’s front yard. I end up spinning out of control, I spin probably twice, the thing that stops me is a giant oak pole that’s being used by the Hay Barn that I’ve driven into. It smashes my windshield and destroys my back end. I hear the pop of my radiator and see steam coming out of my engine. My air bags don’t deploy but I feel each impact as it happens all over my body.
You know what though? My life didn’t flash before my eyes, what did are the people that I care deeply about. I thought about Sarah, her smile and how she makes me feel. I thought about how I wouldn’t get to see Jen and Travis get married. I thought about how I wouldn’t see Annika grow up into a young woman. I thought about how I wouldn’t be able to see Ryan and Kristin’s first child. I thought about Jeremiah and how I wouldn’t see him become a man. I’d never see Shannon settle down.
The things that mean the most to us, the things that touch us and mold into who we are, are the things we cherish the most. I know what means the most to me, it’s the people that are in my life. The people that matter, warm my heart and help me become who I am supposed to be slowly.
So I shook off the glass from my hair and did a quick visual check, all limbs accounted for. The people running toward me kept saying something about how bloody I was, even though I didn’t have a scratch. The paramedics didn’t believe it, the cops were freaked out and the rubber neckers kept waiting for a stretcher that never came.
I’m alright. I’m stiff, a bit upset that I’ve totaled my car and I definitely have a respect for rural roads. I’m in the market for a car, any help? LOL

Realizations..

2008-09-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

There are certain things that are certain in life. The Sun rising in the East and setting in the West; Spring leading to Summer, then Fall and then Winter and the fact that whether we can see them or not, the stars shine brightly over our heads.

I can look at that small list and tell you that every single one of those is true, but I can’t tell you much else.

My living situation is changing again. My whole year has felt like it’s all about change. Change to grow and stretch me to become a better person. Change to help me realize that I can strive for more, I don’t have to settle and I can accomplish much if I set my mind to it.

Travis is moving out. The bond between Jen and him grows stronger everyday and I get to watch it with my own two eyes. There are times when we’re hanging out that we play the question game and they’ll ask tough questions. About a week ago, we’re in our cups and sitting at the table of truth, asking our questions.

“Gabe, how does it feel to know that you brought us together?” Travis asked. (Paraphrase I believe)

That’s a loaded question.

I’ve already told you their story, at least I think I have. They’ve become my shelter because they’ve been so honest with me. Because they’ve been so genuine. Because they’ve decided to let me in. Yet they both look at me like I’m the reason they’re together when in all honesty, it was and is the ardent love that they have for each other that brought them together. Watching them is like watching a supernova. Bright and full love light, but also hot and dangerous in a sense that getting too close will scorch you.

I explained myself as best I could. They are my family. They are the world to me in that they show me that there’s hope in this fucked up world. They show me that even though we all have a tendency to screw up, we can still have a happy ending. For that I’m always grateful.

So today I’m emailing back and forth with Jen because that’s what we do and we’re both talking about our exes.

The whole conversation came up because M called me last night. She heard through the grapevine that I would be losing a room mate and she sent me an email a few days ago. The email was the type that you never want to read. She wanted to try again. She wanted to move in with me, get a job and see how things went from there. The thing is, even in the email she wasn’t the woman I remembered. I’m not a grammar nazi BUT I do know the writing styles of the people close to me and the way that she wrote that letter made me sad because I KNEW that she wasn’t the same.

I didn’t answer right away. Honestly I didn’t know how to answer that question without sounding like an asshole. While it doesn’t really matter I suppose, I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already had.

So she called instead, five times yesterday after work.

I was having dinner with Sarah, no you don’t get an explanation yet. And I explained to her what was going on and how I was trying to gauge what I should do exactly. She helped me out, she knew I had to make the call but she was my moral support while it happened.

The person on the other end of the line was NOT my ex-wife. She couldn’t be. Recently she had a shunt put into her brain because the doctor’s felt that there was too much brain fluid in there. According to her they haven’t perfected it yet.

Still, this isn’t the first time I talk to her in weeks. I just spoke with her on Sunday. She called then too. I took the call, not sure of what to expect and what I got was hit up for forty five dollars for her to pick up pain meds. Something that I was not willing to do.

In this call she’s trying to present her case, however, I had to ask her to repeat herself more than once because I couldn’t understand her. It sounded like a severe case of cotton mouth and it just crushed me more. I know that some of you may think that I’m crying over spilled milk but I hold by the fact that I will always love her. I am not IN LOVE with her and I haven’t been in a while but still, she was an important part of my life for a long time. Hearing her the way that she is just killed me.

Then she asked if I had found a roommate and I said yes. She asked if it was a male or female, I told her it’s a female. That’s when things went very south. She started asking some personal questions that I didn’t feel comfortable with answering or telling her about. I explained that to her and she seemed okay. We hung up with me promising to call her back today, why? Cause I couldn’t listen to her like that anymore.

The texts started an hour after that. Full of recriminations and accusations, full of frustration and anger I’m sure. How I never truly loved her because I was trying to move on, how I never gave her a chance and I didn’t give her an opportunity to clean up.

I texted back and forth for an hour and finally gave up. It wouldn’t matter what I said to her, she would feel that way.

Back to today and I’m talking to Jen and she says something that clicks, “Now that I know what it’s like to really be loved, I know for sure that my ex didn’t love me.”

Okay, am I the only one that’s like, “FUCK?”

Don’t understand? Think about it. You spend so much time loving ONE person and things fall apart and you find someone fun and then when things get heavy you realize that true, unselfish love has been something you’ve never received, you’ve only receive the pale shadows of that love but now you’ve got something so strong and powerful that it makes it harder for you to breathe.

Have you been a fool for too long? Were you blinded by some minimal attention that someone showed you? Did you settle?

The worst thing about moving on is that the past can haunt you if you let it. I’ve been trying to ‘break off the rearview mirror’ as it were, easier said than done.

I had been trying to be civil up until this point but the conversations and texts I’ve received in the last week tell me that it’s something I’m doing in futility.

When Ariel was still hanging around I tried to get the rest of my stuff and it didn’t happen. I was stalled by the MIL about how M was supposed to get half of everything. What I’ve learned? Oregon doesn’t work that way and if I call the cops, they can help me get my stuff. I don’t want to go that route, I hate to have to burn a bridge but the options are becoming less and honestly, I want to move on with my life.

There’s nothing worse than knowing that maybe, maybe you were never understood at all.

Shaman, Where are you?

2008-09-19T14:15:00.002-07:00

Shaman, Where are you?

If you’ve noticed because you follow the blog and watched it’s mutation from a hard core WoW addict to a guy just expressing his life, you know that I haven’t posted in a while. Indeed the last post that I made had been written for a while and I had forgotten to post it. (At least here.)

I’m not neglectful. I’m burned. Not at writing, I love writing and as I felt earlier in the year this is a productive season for me. I’ve written more words in this year than I had in the last two combined. Much of that is that I’ve been left to my thoughts and the fact that I’ve been able to experience so much more than the four walls that I live in. I’ve made friends. I’ve gone through hard times, I’ve had huge laughs and I’ve figured myself out little by little.

The burn I’m talking about is the last time I wrote on here, shoving my gun ho attitude down your throats like it was going out of style. My last decision was a costly one in that I learned the hard way some truths about life and I learned some truths about myself.

I’m a believer. I like to believe what I’m told. I like to believe that there’s more to life. I like to believe.

The Simpsons have a character, Ned Flanders, and I can sometime associate with him, just not as naïve, at least I hope. He has a positive attitude most of the time, wants to have the world be happy, never a cross word to say about anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I get down, I get sad, I get angry but for the most part I love seeing the good in people and pointing it out. I’m infamous for it with my friends and family.

The problem that I’ve now encountered is that, I’m having a hard time taking things at face value. People mostly. Women especially.

Which sucks since I have a lot of girl friends, not ‘girlfriends’ just girl friends.

Hell my best friend is a girl. (both of them actually, long story)

So I’ve told you about everyone else under the sun basically, there’s a couple that I’ve left out of the loop intentionally but at this point there’s one more person in my life that I think I should introduce you to.

Shannon.

When I had just gotten away from the things going on with M I wanted to make friends and Shannon was one of the first ones that I made. We hit it off, became fast friends and have had a bond ever since. It’s a nice thing, we can call each other and talk shit all we want or vent, or talk about fears and blah blah blah.

She’s gotten to hear my exploits first hand when it comes to dating. She’s been the one that I’ve told about aspects of relationships and other things (more guy like conversations but I’ve been able to have them with her.) the thing is that some where along the way the edges got blurred.

(don’t worry this isn’t anything like you might think)

Recently, recently I’ve begun to notice how the friendship works, and I don’t like it. Why? Cause I’m starting to feel like second string.

Here’s the deal. Each time that I’ve met someone new, Shannon has come forward and expressed something to me that I didn’t know. When I was with Amy, she expressed love for me. When the Amy thing ended, she moved away from me.

Then the Ariel thing happened. One night during a phone conversation she said, “I always thought when I was ready to settle down it would be you and me.” Then we ALL know how that happened and then she pushed away.

Things like that, if it happened once, okay I can understand it. To have it happen several times though? Yea, not so much, then it’s a mind game and I LOATHE mind games. I try to be open and honest about everything that I do, all that I am and then here’s this lady who can’t say something straight to save her life? Yea, no, I don’t see it happening.

I think things happen for a reason and I think the reason why the Ariel thing happened was because I needed to know the things in life sometimes aren’t as cut and dry as we might love to believe. Sometimes there’s ulterior motives, be it because they want to leave the situation they’re in, they want to have control, or maybe they don’t even know what they want. Sometimes, when people who are lost and don’t really know anything about what makes them tick, they find those that have it more on the ball and they latch on or try desperately to bring that person down so that they no longer feel alone.

I’m not doing it again.

I am talking to someone new. Someone special, at least in my eyes and probably in yours at some point too. I’m not putting it out there, I’m guarding it. Why? Because I want to figure it out on my own. I want to stand on my own two feet about something for once and I want to take it slower. I want to build it from the foundation up, not from the penthouse down.

Yea, that’s me right now.

MOTW

2008-09-19T14:15:00.001-07:00

"I want to show you how he lived..."

Say what you will about Tom Cruise, this is by far a masterpiece in regards to showing us how the Samurai truly worked. The scenerey, costuming and casting really bring you into the era in a way very few movies can anymore.

It's a great movie to watch, it's a great movie to have as background noise. I've watched it a few times in the past couple of weeks.

I haven't done this segment in a while, I needed to dust off the cobwebs!

Grateful to be hitting 30 (4)

2008-09-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

This is a bit late, my birthday has come and gone. I have this one to post and one more I'm working on and it'll be the end of the series.

A warning, this is a LONG blog but vital for the story itself. If you are going to read it, have something to drink first, your smokes (if you got'em) and an empty bladder.
Otherwise, enjoy!

This is one of my greatest loses as far as I know to date.

/Flashback

I had an interesting high school life. I dated a teacher beginning my sophomore year and back then I had no idea just how much power that truly gave me. Were I a different person or had a different mind set, I probably would've used that to my advantage, instead I just ran with it as fun and familiarity. I was grateful to have someone to talk to.

In the middle of my tryst with my teacher I had some people sniffing around. I was always around this teacher, I didn't really hang out with friends after a while, it started looking suspicious. So I got a beard.

You don't know what that is, do you?

A beard is another way of saying a decoy. You have two lives basically. You have your private life which you keep just that, private. Then you have a person that you show off in public. No emotional attachment, just someone that you take to functions or you want to be seen with in public so that you don't arouse suspicion to anything odd going on.

I picked a girl named Sue.

I was a Drama/Yearbook brat for the most part of my high school life for several reasons. The first, it was a creative outlet where they couldn't measure how well you did on paper, it was the involvement that mattered. The second, I had creative license to do many things others wouldn't be given the chance to; I wrote school plays and was the editor of my senior yearbook. The third was that the rooms to my two classes, which I had right after lunch, were literally ten feet from each other. So it was home base for me. It's how I met Sue.

Sue, full name Sujiery, she was one year younger than I, putting her at 14. She was from a full blooded Cuban family and had two younger siblings. She was smart, funny, great artist and bubbly. When we met, we teased each other mercilessly, much like kids do when they like each other and don't know how to express it.

When we became friends I was hanging with my little crew.

My Crew:

Rolando – Wheel man. He had an older Supra but had rebuilt the engine to his specks. The odometer was one of those electronic ones, it went up to 99 and then stopped, the car was almost always stuck at 99 MPH, we went much faster. Tall, lanky and full of hurt. He had a family situation that I didn't envy. He never finished high school as far as I know and the one time that I tried to contact him after school I called his home phone, asked for him by name and got hung up on. I wish him the best.

Martha – She was a strange one. I mean that in the best possible light I can think of. We had many long talks; she was the first sister I adopted. Petite, short hair, brown eyes, thin line lips and wide hips. My clearest memory of her was when she came and told me that she had given her virginity to her boyfriend at the time (They're now married with two children and counting.) It broke my heart, don't ask me why, it shouldn't have. We lost contact long before school ended.

Roberto – Martha's boyfriend. He wasn't part of the original crew, more of an add on because of necessity since Martha wanted him there at all times. He was quiet, kind of into the rap scene (His favorite rapper? Queen Latifa). We kind of saw eye to eye but he was threatened by me and honestly I thought Martha was WAY too good for him.

Hector – Heavy set kid that most people would pick on, except he had money and cars so he got some status off of it. He humor was crude and his jokes were lame, he was just trying to find himself like the rest of us. If we ended up with more than 6 people for an outing, he'd take some of the group in his car.

Moshe – If you've been following the series you already know about him.

Paul – out of all of us, he had to grow up the fastest. He was just a silly guy, great to have around when you wanted a good time. I saw him lose his spark when his sister was shot during a drive by. The only thing that I think is worse than losing someone to a drive by is getting to keep them but having them be different. He dropped out of school and stayed home to reteach his sister the things she would need to survive in life.

So out by the track we had a couple basketball courts, a couple tennis courts and some portable classrooms. The trail that leads to the portables was short but at the start of it had a giant tree. I'd say Elm but I know nothing to trees so I'll stick with my original description, a giant tree.

When the lunch bell rang we all made our way to the tree, and from there we decided what the rest of the day was going to look like. Most days we decided to go to Taco Bell and chill. Of course I should let you know that the Taco Bell we frequented was in Miami Beach which was a good twenty five minutes from school. So that meant that we weren't planning on heading back to school.

Now while I was with Sue, my sister found out about myself and Mick (The teacher) because I'm a sap and had kept all the letters she wrote to me… yes she wrote me letters. I did what I thought was reasonable in that situation, I called the relationship, at least for a bit and told her that I couldn't hang out with her anymore. What that did was that it left a lot of time for me to get to know Sue.

Getting to know her was extremely fun. We talked for tons of time on the phone, we were teenagers after all, we ate lunch together, I walked her from one class to another, she told me about her hopes and dreams.

Then I tried to take that big dirt nap.

Now with Moshe and Mick being there, I could understand that. At that point in time the bonds between the three of us were strong, that was our time together and I knew that they would be there for me. Sue didn't have to be but she was. In my fevered condition as my body fought the toxins that were in my system I remember times when I would look up and had my head on her lap, she was there to dry the sweat off my brow and silenced me back to sleep.

That's when I felt loved for the first time.

Don't get me wrong family love is something completely different. This was one human being looking out for another human being in a way that she didn't have to do but did anyway. She did it with compassion and tenderness and made me feel like I had someone who cared about me. In those three days, she won me over.

The time that we had together was outstanding. We would talk for hours about things in life, watch movies together and eventually we got physical. We couldn't go back to my place since my grandmother was always home and we couldn't go back to her place because of her mother and siblings. We did the next best thing, we cut class and hid in the yearbook office. That same office that had seen my twilight was the burgeoning place of our romance and lust. We could hear the classes going on outside of our door while we kissed and explored each other.

Our love his it's peak there, in more ways than one, one Friday after school had gotten out and we were the only ones left in the room. I was so scared at that moment. I remember looking down on her and asking her several times, "Are you sure?" and when she finally looked at me that certain way I knew and there wasn't any stopping us.

Meet Douglas.
Douglas was an Explorer with Miami P.D. and had a bit of an attitude problem about it. He thought that because he was an Explorer we were beneath him. I tried to like the guy but he was annoying, immature and self centered. The typical teenager and the fact that sometimes he and I were confused for one another in the hallways didn't help. He was into yearbook at the same time and we had to work together but didn't have to like each other. Little did I know he would be the Iago in my life at this time.

It was another Friday night. Mick and Moshe were in the yearbook room listening to Peter Frampton Comes Alive (A record that will always be connected to my teenage years) while Sue and I were in the office getting ready to do our thing.

There was a bang at the door. "Sue, It's your mother, open up."

Her mother was the most disinterested person when it came to her kids. She had told all of them the reason for their conception:

Sue: Oops!
Sister: A wild concert
Brother: The outcome of too much wine one night.

So for her to even be near the school when they lived in Hialeah which was a good twenty five minutes away, something was up.

Longest five minutes of dressing in my life. We weren't fully naked but enough to take time and that whole time we can't say much, the walls may be concrete but the doors are paper thin. I finally managed to get dressed and act like I was in front of one of the computers (Like that's REALLY going to help right?) when Sue opened the door.

"Get your shit, we're leaving."

We didn't say good bye or kiss, the eyes of Darkseid were upon us and we didn't want to piss her off anymore. I gave them a five second head start and then came out of the Yearbook office and stared at Moshe and Mick for an answer.

"Guys, what the fuck?"

Mick: "Dude I swear, she came in through the door and didn't even look at us, she knew where you guys were."

I bolted out the door and looked down the hall; I caught up fast enough to watch her mom hit her upside the head. I knew I'd hear from her later.
Douglas came out of the drama room and asked me what happened and I told him the bare bones story. I mean I was at a loss, I didn't know what to say or think.

"Wow, I didn't know that she'd react like that."

That sealed his fate as my nemesis for the remainder of our high school careers. It took everything in my power not to choke the little shit right where he stood. Moshe overheard the little back and forth between us and he managed to stand in between us at just the right moment.

I'm not sure what Doug thought he was accomplishing by doing that except gain my anger.

That started quiet the odd adventure for me…

The first thing that her parents did was take her out of school.

Then they forbade her to talk to me.

Alas, like most teenagers I think that made us both want to see each other more.
I jumped through the hoops that were put out before me. I excelled at school, at this point living with the teacher so I'm sure that had something to do with it, I wanted to go out with her? Fine, I needed a Chaperone, it usually ended up being her mother. First time I saw Desperado was in the theaters with her and her mom. When they came to the sex scene her mother ran out of the theater like she had never seen a naked man before. (Come to think of it, she might not have.)

It was my Senior year and I was still 'dating' this girl. We would run through hoops, call each other every night and I finally managed to get some clout in High School. I knew enough jocks that the coaches wouldn't bother me if I was late to school. I knew enough preppies that if I needed a car all I had to do was ask. I basically had the faculty in my back pocket because they all knew who my 'guardian' was. Plus, I was head of drama and editor of yearbook.

Doug and I had some run ins after that. Most of the time they consisted of me seeing him, then seeing red, then him running away. He tried to call me a few times to try and 'explain' things but it just never went anywhere. He finally transferred out of schools and from what I hear, because a corrupt cop in Miami. Good luck to my people down there, he's a real winner.

During my senior year I skipped full days of school but not like I used to. I would come into school, meet up with one of the preppies and get the keys to their car. Then I would drive forty minutes to go to the campus where she was currently attending. I wouldn't ask her to cut class, instead I hung around, waited for the bell to ring, walked her to class and had more time to kill. We'd have lunch together, I would hang out some more and then walk her to her bus for her ride home.

I kept doing this, and calling her, occasionally going out with her family and even though I had people knocking on my door, I never once bothered to even try.

One of the solicitors was Vicki. Another Cuban princess she was a transfer from Miami High on her senior year. I was also working for the school newspaper and she ended up picking it as she enjoyed to write. She drove me crazy in all the wrong ways. She was loud, obnoxious, opinionated, brash, and full of herself. If there was one person that I felt that I could unload on, it was her, simply because she was such a bitch.

I remember one day, this was right after the yearbook had come out, I had put so much time and effort into it, it was my good bye to the school as a student and I wanted it perfect. She cornered me in the newspaper room and asked me why there weren't more pictures of her in the book. I went off on her real hard. I mean I was screaming at the top of my lungs about how much of an ungrateful little bitch she was being and blah blah blah and I stormed out of the room. Twenty minutes later Ms. MacElrath sent for me to let me know Vicki had fainted.

As much of a bitch she was and granted I didn't know she had a thing for me at the time, she was always willing to let me borrow her car and on a couple of occasions she invited me over to her house to hang out during school hours when no one was home…. Yea I am that dense.

So the school year goes according to plan. I managed to get good grades, put out an excellent yearbook that many were happy with, published four issues of the newspaper with more than just fluff and had managed to keep my girl.

It was a week before prom. I had gone to the Junior prom stag with Moshe where we managed to get shit faced and almost tossed on our ass. This year, I wanted to go to my Senior year prom and I wanted to take my girlfriend with me. I was already contemplating future. Before Sue I hadn't given a shit about marriage or kids or that whole noise. Then on one day she, for no reason at all, grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said she wanted to have kids with me.

Yea, it doesn't take much to get the wookiee all mushy.

So I cut class and beeline it over to her school so I could try to finalize how in the world we were going to figure this out. At the time her mom had sworn me off again, I was a bad influence so it was about stealth and planning.

I got there, it was sunny, as it almost always is in Florida, the campus was quiet, and the year was ending. We basically had the run of the place and I see her and I'm talking a mile a minute and she says:

"Stop."

"What?"

"I've been thinking about this prom thing.."

"Yea? Do you not want to go? We don't need to, just thought.."

"It's more than that."

"How so?"

"I've been thinking a lot about us and life, what it would look like. I know what you've gone through but honestly, I don't think that I can pick you over my family. I'm sorry."

And just like that, she was gone. (Okay, there might have been some serious crying.) Sue and I did run into each other one other time before I left Florida but it was a run in I don't think I'll ever feel like sharing because I like to remember the person who taught me some things and not the one that she turned into.

Two weeks later was my graduation. I was highly drunk for my walk across the stage, Vicki and I had stop talking to each other but I could see her from where I was standing, she looked back a couple of times but I thought it was in scorn. None of my family showed up for my graduation. Only Moshe and Mick did.

As an Epilogue, I ran into Vicki one more time after that. It was the end of the summer and I was on the college campus getting my affairs in order for classes. She was taking some classes there too and she asked how things were going with Sue. When I told her the time frame of the break up she got infuriated at me. "You realize that I had a thing for you all year and I kept waiting for a chance to say something? You were so caught up in Sue that I knew I'd lose your friendship if I crossed the line. I would have been there for you if only you had asked."

I didn't and I never did.

Screwball - Conclusion/Aftermath

2008-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

Ariel Conclusion

I’ve been focused on my birthday. The “Grateful to be hitting 30” segments have really gotten me going to write more about my misadventures but on my last one posted someone asked about the Ariel situation. So I’m going to try and sum things up in one post. Kind of a bookend if you will to everything that you’ve already read.

Now I was very good about detailing all the little things about the first week that she was back at my place and after that I tapered off for two reasons, first, it felt that no matter how much I wrote it just wasn’t going to catch up to what was going on and the second was that honestly I wanted to try and process as much as possible.

After the first week the petals began to fall off the flower. I know that it happens inevitably, that we go from new love to constant love to comfortable love. It’s a healthy down point where you realize that the person you’re with is going to be with you for a while and you shouldn’t burn yourself out trying to steal as much time as possible and remember to BREATHE!

When it comes to new romance my school of thought is this: you give 150% to who you’re with. You do it to prove that you have something of value that they want in their lives. You do it to show them how grateful you are to have them with you. You do it out of respect, kindness, courtesy, love and admiration. It’s a healthy 150 that you hope to get in return.

I didn’t.

Granted I gave her the first week as a type of vacation. I mean she had been describing all of the things going on with her and in her life and her depression and everything else, I wanted to recharge her batteries. She was here for almost a month.

I went to work everyday, came home and did the dishes from the night before, she would cook, I would do dishes and then we’d hang out. It wasn’t a bad routine but then I noticed some stuff and Jen and Travis noticed some stuff.

I’d come home, the house was in disarray. Nothing had been cleaned up and instead there was MORE cluttere and garbage to be had, empty soda cans, used plates, empty boxes and everything else. I’m not as much as a clean freak as I should be but I’ll be damned if I want my house to look like no one cares. So I’d come home and start doing some cleaning, thinking that maybe she would get up off the couch and help me do it. It never happened.

One of the biggest things that happened that kind of woke me up to what was wrong was three weeks ago. I work a health clinic, one of the front office people was on vacation and the other called in because her son was sick, which left me alone in the front office to check people in and out, answer phones, and answer questions that might come my way. The office doesn’t close for lunch and I had no one to relieve me for breaks. So really I’m working a straight day through, nine hours. While that’s bad, it’s also the day that I stay late, we come in at 11 and leave at 8, then come back in at 8am the next morning. It’s the hardest day I have. Made even harder by not having any real down time to recharge at work. So when I get home I’m going to be EXHAUSTED.

Jen and I talk all day on email so she heard my tale of woe as it happened. She relayed the information to Travis and I called Ariel during my first break and explained to her how exhausted I was already getting.

Okay. Here’s the question for you guys… you are at home all day, your boy/girl friend, significant other calls and tells you of his/her day. What do you do?

Personally? I know my lady’s having a shit day, I’m going to make sure that she knows she’s appreciated, maybe make her dinner or get take out, give a back rub and be ready to listen to the day they’ve had. I’m built that way, I know it’s SUPER feminine but honestly it’s how I was raised and I wouldn’t change it. I show affection by touch, by words and by deeds. I’m not going to try and BUY love, but I will show how much that love means to me.

I called Ariel at about 1pm to let her know what’s going on.

Travis and Jen have basically moved in together but Jen doesn’t have internet access and his computer is at our (Travis and my) place. So he’s got a key, he comes and goes, as is his right. He got home that day about three o’clock and Ariel was still in bed. The house was a sty and she hadn’t done any of the dishes. He was upset.

When I say he was upset I’m not talking about because the house wasn’t kept up, he was upset for ME because of the condition of the house and the fact that I was having a bad day. The possibility that I might come home and nothing had been done.

So he takes it to Ariel, “Hey Ariel, Gabe’s having a bad day at work, are you going to do the dishes and stuff before he gets in?”

“Well dishes are his responsibility and he didn’t feel like doing them last night, he’ll do them when he gets home from work.”

Travis is a gunslinger, he shoots from the hip, eyes like a hawk, reflexes like a snake, his words can bite if he needs them to and at that moment he felt like they did, “That’s pretty messed up, he’s having a hard day at work and you’re going to make him come home and clean? Really?”

He didn’t say anything else to her, he didn’t feel like it was his place. Instead he took charge and started cleaning. Jen heard about this and left work early to go help him clean up as well.

Understand that they’re cleaning up not because I’m that dirty but because they know the type of day that I’m having and they don’t want me to come home to have to do something else. They don’t think it’s fair or right.

These guys, they’re my family. I’ve said it over and over again and while you don’t know the full story yet, each time we get together that bond grows closer because we understand each other in levels that many people strive to accomplish after years. Due to the stress of our lives this year we’ve compressed that and it’s strengthened us as individuals, friends and now family. I can not say that I have EVER had a pair of my friends come to my house to make sure that I had little to nothing to do when I got home because of a rough day.

So with a fifth of Pendleton in hand they begin the arduous job of cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom. They’re both upset, I’m their friend and they feel like I’m getting shafted because the woman that I’m providing for at the time doesn’t want to make sure I have a good evening when I get home.

The best way to defuse this situation if you’re Ariel? Get out of bed, come help them and apologize, show that you care. That goes so far into how they would have seen it. Instead she closes the door and shuts herself in. She doesn’t come out until I get home and coax her out of the room.

That was the first sign.

There are other little things that got dropped on me.

We spend a lot of our time on the front stoop, we smoke and I don’t like that smell in the house. It’s a quick walk into the house to get something to drink if you’re thirsty. I just don’t want people smoking inside so I ask them to wait or they ask someone to get them a drink, we all take turns going in, it’s a friendship thing. I got thirsty and I asked Ariel if she could please get me something to drink since I was smoking. She said sure.

After twenty minutes of prodding and finally just getting up to get it myself, she went in and got me something to drink. I know it sounds petty but to me, you would think that if the person that you’re with asks you for a drink and you sit and wait 20 to 30 minutes and then you only get going after they say they can do it themselves, that’s not really fair.

While I’m showing you that let me tell you how I tried.

She likes to have foot rubs, and back rubs and to get lotioned, I did it every day. Why? Because I was putting my best foot forward and it’s who I am. When she same up she had duct tape holding her glasses together because they didn’t have the money to get them fixed, I got her new frames. I got her new clothes; I made sure that the pantry was always full. Stopped and get her flowers, made sure she had soft drinks at home and a few days I just brought home fast food so that neither of us had to do any work. I did it without complaint. Again it’s because of my personality. I like to take care of people but my flaw is that I don’t look out to be taken care of the same way.

We made two shopping trips while she was here, well three technically. Two to the local supermarket so she could have the things she felt she needed or wanted to cook and the other was to Costco to get some random supplies we thought would be cheaper there and to help Travis and Jen get ready for their camping trip.

She had a checkered past when it came to her sexual habits and while I know that no one is perfect I didn’t dwell on it. Way I saw it she was with me and the past was the past. The thing is that for that to really work, you both have to get over the past, your and the person who you’re with. She didn’t. She would talk about her exploits and while I knew stuff had happened, I didn’t need to hear about it. Still I kept my silence because I really thought it wasn’t my place.

Travis didn’t have the same issue. He tossed out some comments and seethed for me in silence. That’s when I think we realized something wasn’t right.

The thing that happened that Tuesday I was swamped? It happened all the time. I would come home and nothing would be done. She had spent DAYS watching Buffy reruns, playing on the computer and anything else that was relaxing. She didn’t really try to make the effort to help.

While she was here I did laundry multiple times after I got home from work. She never asked to help, or at least offer to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer…. I was doing her laundry too.

The other stick point were some of my friends. I was raised by women, I get along more with women. One of the women in question is Shannon. Shannon I’ve known for about five months and we clicked, we’re good friends, we tell each other everything and we have a good time. Wednesday nights I’ve started to make it a habit to go play poker at her local hangout because she enjoys it so much.

This did not sit well with Ariel, she felt threatened and what’s more, she felt like Shannon had to be cut out of my life. She was intimidated by her and didn’t want to put up with it.

Keep this in mind. She was intimidated and wanted her gone but she was still going back to her husband. The time with me was sweet but she still felt a duty to try and work something with her husband. I can understand this but the double standard she was setting was, getting to be with her husband while I sat in the wings and waited, alone and having to be okay with her being with him in all ways possible.

There’s only so much that’s okay.

So Travis and Jen went camping this last weekend and I let them use an air mattress that I had been using for a while as a bed, it was something that Amy had let me borrow kindly enough when she heard about my situation. Travis isn’t really at our place so he has been generous enough to let me use his bed. I thought that was great, least I can do is let them use the air mattress and if Travis really liked it, hell he could keep it.

The mattress however seems to have met and early demise at the hands of a sharp object while it was still in my house, someone stabbed it. Okay, jealousy is cute but that’s bordering as far as I’m concerned. She never admitted to it but the body language gave a lot of it away as far as I’m concerned.

Immature, yes. More to the point Travis and Jen were counting on that bed and none of us knew what she had done. They took it up thinking it would work just as well as it had for me and instead the plopped themselves on an air mattress that let out all of it’s air and all they felt were hard rocks against their backs, I KNOW how much that hurts. If not for the quick thinking of one of their friends they would have had back problems for a week.

Tuesday I get an email from Jen that asks me to please stop by their place directly after work. “We would like you to swing by the house on your way home if you get a chance, we’d like to talk to you.”

That’s code for: Something’s wrong and we need to find a way to fix it.

On a side note: That same day was the day that they took Jeremiah away. I was informed that the state took him out of the home of my Ex and was going to place him somewhere else. It’s the third son I’ve lost in my life.

So I’m already having a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and the only two people in the world that I consider my nearest and dearest are calling me out to try and help me.

I beeline it over to their house as soon as I get off of work.

I walk in, “Don’t be alarmed, we’re beaners”

On the stove Jen’s making Pan Fried Oysters. In the oven Travis has, Portobello mushrooms, Baked potatoes, Asparagus, and Garlic bread. I look on the counter and there’s three dishes out.

We’re doing this over a meal.

If you don’t know by now, for me talking to people over breaking bread is an awesome thing indeed. It’s a personal thing, you only eat with those you are comfortable with. You would never eat with an enemy or someone who causes you grief, you do it with those you love and want to confide in.

So they set the table and we sit to eat and the intervention begins.

They’ve been watching from the side lines while this whole thing has been happening. When they met Ariel they gave their vote of confidence and I don’t need to remind you that the vote they give, WAY important.

Then they started showing me the signs.

Some of the mile markers that I’ve already explained.

Travis: “Can I say something? Brother, I love you, you’re a lot like me. You don’t want to be alone. You hate having an empty house and any port in the storm is better than nothing but I’m going to tell you this and if I’m out of line you can punch me. You’re getting played. She’s using you, she doesn’t help you, doesn’t lift a finger, eats you out of house and home, and what do you get in return?”

Jen: “We know that when we met her we told you to keep her and at the time, Hoovey, you look so happy and even though we had reservations about the situation, because you were happy we were happy but watching the dynamic, the lack of respect and caring about you. That worries us. This is a situation that we think is going to cost you a lot if you stick around. You need to cut ties.”

The conversation went on all night. They would remember things they wanted to tell me but were stuffing in the hope that it was something small and petty and they were just overreacting.

The cards laid out on the table. The image didn’t look good. The saying that started all of this? “You can’t tell there’s a problem when you’re inside the box”

I spent the whole night talking to them and having them show me the outside of the box. After a month of me putting out maximum effort to show her that I care and I got had gotten the bare minimum. It was time to change tactics, maybe giving her a break from me would help. Letting her go back home so she could see the contrast between who she’d been with for a month and who she was married to. See perhaps the difference in affection and attentiveness, maybe that would shake her out of whatever she was thinking because for all she was getting she wasn’t showing anything in return.

I didn’t go home that night. I had to think. I went right to work. I had to.

Travis the next day found the final straw. The house was tore up from the floor up. It looked like someone had come in and just let a hurricane loose. Dishes were piled up in the sink, the living room was a mess and she was firmly entrenched in the bedroom that Travis’ bed was in, which is where his clothes are in.

Travis: “I tried brother, I really tried but she’s got to go. I’m sorry. I pay half of everything and she’s using shit up and not helping and not contributing in any way. I want her out of the house.”

I got home and she was pissed. She was pissed that I had been out all night, that I had done it with my friends. It wasn’t fair, what was so important?

So I laid it out for her the best way that I could. I tried to keep myself in check, I tried to be very polite about pointing little things out but I did end it with, “It feels like I’m getting played. Like I’m being used.”

Retaliation: “Well I feel like I’m only being used for sex and food.”

That my friends, that one line was all it took to put everything in perspective for me. She’s a kid, she’s not ready, she may never be ready and in my eagerness to find something and someone of my own I looked right past it and got sucked in.

I gave her the option of what she wanted to do. She decided to go to a friend’s house in the area and they could drive her back to Eugene the next morning.

So just as quickly as she swooped in, she’s gone again. I would love to say that it’s a love story ending but for the Shaman it appears that something like that, if it ever happens, is a long way off and shouldn’t be rushed.

As always, I’m still writing. I’ll continue to blog. This is a chapter I won’t be revisiting any time soon. I’m looking forward and breaking off the rear view mirror as a gunslinger I know is wont to say.

Thanks to all who showed interest and passion in this situation, it was a fifty/fifty chance and I needed to know what was there now I know it was a mirage and I can move on.

/End

Grateful to be hitting 30 (3)

2008-08-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

Dipping into the way back machine is weird, if you do it just right, you actually have a lot of the emotions that you did when stuff happened come back to you as well. While the past few weeks have definitely about looking forward at what I want to do with my life, I can’t help but get introspective on the things that have happened in my past.

While most of my stories have taken place during high school, I’m going to jump ahead some time for this one.

/flashback

Michael Cox was from Chicago. He was part of a biker crew down there; he did some real heavy stuff according to him. He was a short and stocky guy. He had a balding mullet thing going which was hysterical to look at. Gruff hands, plastic smile and throaty laugh. Because he was a bullshitter, he and I hit it off instantly.

Did I mention I was in Seminary at the time?

About 2 years into my being in Oregon I was informed that my calling was to be a pastor. Now I wasn’t always a believer. I really only started noticing God when I was about seventeen. I was at the theater with Moshe and Mick, we were watching Devil’s Advocate with Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves. At the time I was still heavy with Sue and we got to the scene where Charlize Theron has finally lost all her marbles and slits her own throat.

I lost it. I got up out of my chair and blotted for the bathroom where I had dry heaves. On my knees before the porcelain god I decided, if anything ANYTHING that evil could exist in life, there just HAD to be a God and I commended my soul to him. I walked out of the bathroom and straight out into open air, it wasn’t until years later that I saw how the movie ended, and Moshe was standing out there. He’d been waiting for me. He was leaning against the guard rail, lighting up a Camel and said, “You just got saved huh?”

I stood up a little straighter and said, “Yes I did.”

“Welcome to the club.” Then he handed me a cigarette and we went about our business.

I didn’t become a Bible thumper. It’s not in me to tell people how to be and what to believe. It’s in me to believe the BEST in all people. So my relationship was a loose one. I’d talk to The Man every day but I wasn’t thinking there was a calling in it for me. Seriously who does?

I come up here and someone ‘speaks’ over me and says that my calling is to be a pastor to the minorities and the people that others won’t touch, geeks in other words. So I plop down my money and as I work full time I go to school full time.

So in 2001 I’m in school with Mike and we BS a lot. We end up coming to each other for the random things in life. He’s happily married and he’s got like five kids. At this stage I’m single and enjoying it, having left one crack whore and having yet to find that kind of interest in Mary.

I was also working as a bouncer for a little Mexican placed called, La Macarena. So I worked there six days a week, Oregon bars close at 2:30 and drinks stopped being served by 2am. I’d get home about 3 or 4 depending on what was going on. Sometimes we stayed after hours and had a couple drinks, sometimes I went over to someone’s house and hung out or crashed. Still, I was renting a room from Mary’s family and I tried to be civil about the hours that I kept. They weren’t thrilled with the job, as church goers they thought it was too close to ‘temptation’ but took with a grain of salt.

That winter I got an itch. It happens every couple of years. I get the itch to FLY somewhere. I don’t care where or why but I just get the urge to travel. This particular time, due to my involvement in Seminary and helping out some other people, I wanted to fly down to Argentina. I wanted to fly down and take about 100lbs of clothing with me to give to a needy orphanage down there. Someone who I thought deserved it basically.

So I got the clothes together, got the money to go on the trip, got my passport and got out of dodge. The trip was wonderful, I have stories for that as well but now’s not the time or the place.

Instead I’m going to go fast forward. I was able to communicate with Mary and her family in Oregon while I was away. I took three weeks off. I spent two weeks in Argentina getting to know the lifestyle, the people and the fact that the nation was crazy and was at the beginning of that time period where they went through seven presidents in like three months.

I spent one week in Florida to catch up with my family. My grandma the most, I miss that old lady.

While I was away I started getting strange information. Bottom line of all that information? Michael Cox had taken things I had told him in confidence, twisted them and then told everyone about them. In his mind, for some reason, I was a coke head, a vein popper and a whore. While I might be a whore to some, I can tell you this, I didn’t get anywhere NEAR the amount of ass it would take to be a whore in that time frame, let alone my life.

Because he opened his yap two things happened. I had a full ride to seminary until he did that, so the school suspended me pending an investigation. The second thing was that the family that I was renting with didn’t want me around because they were doing foster care. So the day I flew back into Portland, there was no one to greet me at the airport. I had to grab my luggage, get on the MAX (Public Transportation Train) and ride down to my school in hope of fixing whatever was going on.

Easier said than done, the dean had been expecting me to darken his doorstep and when I did all he said was, “I can’t help you Gabriel. It would be different if the school had not been notified of these activities. As it stands you’re going to have to confront your accusers before you’re able to go any further.”

Did I also mention I was jobless? Yea. The tri-fecta: no work, no school and no home.

I called in one marker that was owed to me by a teacher in the school, Carl Culley, taught some of the fundamentals in the school and also runs one of the churches in Vancouver. It so happens that the church ground is also a camping ground, so he came to pick me up and took me up to Washington.

It was bitch cold that year. I remember seeing my breath all the time. The cabins were nice and also isolated. I would have some privacy and also die of boredom. There was only one set of people there, they land keepers. They were very nice, geeks after all, but the majority of the time I spent by myself trying to figure out where the fuck I went wrong.

Due to the constant exposure to the elements, my trip overseas and then my stay in a hot temperatures I ended up getting pneumonia. It was the worst kind that had shivers at any time, constant headache. It took me four days to sit and get the ball rolling and by that time I was already very sick. This was a time where there was NO ONE for me to turn to. My friends had betrayed me, the ones that I considered family had cut me the worst.

It took a month to finally talk to my accusers alone. Everyone thought that I was guilty long before anything was finalized. When I did meet them all they had for evidence was slip covers to Stephen King, specific comics and movies. Funnier still? The guy who started this whole thing, Mike, was no where to be found during this little confrontation so all they had was hearsay and my choices of reading and watching material.

Not enough to amount to anything.

I got reinstated into Seminary. If you ever have someone kick or get hitched, you can ring me up and I’ll help out. The rest of it, the friendship with Mike and my trust in Mary and her family, that didn’t turn out as hot.

Fast friends can be fun to have but you need to watch who you trust. Trust is something to be earned, not given and when it comes back to haunt you, it’s the worst way to find out.

Grateful to be hitting 30 (2)

2008-08-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

Into every life there’s a bit of calamity that must fall. The reason being is that if we don’t know stress and unhappiness, well then we won’t realize when we’re getting the goods. It doesn’t matter what period of your life you’re in, this applies for all of it. When you’re little, when you’re a kid, when you hit puberty and then when you’re an adult. There’s always some adversity in your life, big or small, and that’s what helps you continue to become the person you’re supposed to be.

Course that doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt….

/flashback

Tenth grade was amusing. It’s the year where a lot of things changed for me. I wasn’t as much of a pudge but in my own eyes of course. I had made more friends that were seniors and some that were my own age.

While the seniors were fun, my memory of them is hazy at best, they all had pirate nicknames that tickled me a bit and were overall wonderful people. Out of all of them there was one that was with me for years until we couldn’t be in contact anymore. His name was Moshe Seymour.

Named after a famous general Moshe was a total stoner. He was taller than I was, so I’d put him at 5’11 at the time, black, dreadlocks, devil may care smile and lanky. His taste in music, movies and food was completely eclectic. He would listen to Steely Dan one instant and then jam out to Led Zeppelin the next. Watch the Dukes of Hazzard and then be enthralled in the Matrix and want to talk about all of the spiritual influences that were tied into it.

The guy was a renaissance man and we were great friends. During his senior year I was a junior and we went to his prom. We took in bottle of vodka with us and got lit watching people do the electric slide over and over again like it was going out of style (I wish it would already).

But we’re still talking about my sophomore year so I won’t jump around. There are two stories that deal with Moshe.

The first was the first time that I cut class with TC, the little crew of seniors that seem to enjoy having me around, like I was their mascot. This also happened to be the day of Brandon Lee’s The Crow theatrical debut. We were all geeks and wanted to see the movie. We had heard what happened to Brandon during the making, we’d all read the comic book it was based from (Yes, it’s a comie.. James O’Barr, go get it) and just overall had the hankering to see it.

We had used most of the day to do other things. This was Miami and movies didn’t start showing at that time until after like 3 for some reason. So we had a whole day to kill before we could book it.

We were at one of the local malls, the other one was about a thirty minute drive away from us. We’re looking at show times and the first showing of the Crow isn’t until 5 pm. It’s like 2:45 when we read this. Obviously we don’t want to be hanging around that late. So we go to the nearest phone booth and ask the other theater what time their first showing is, it’s at 3:05.

Our only mode of transportation was an older van. It only had one seat in the back and the rest of it was set up for transportation of materials. So there’s about nine of us and only five can have an actual seat. So we all pack into the van and tear off into the day.

We got there in ten minutes. I don’t need to tell you just HOW fast we were going. We got there with enough time to play some arcade games. It was the scariest and most fun I’ve ever had.

The second story that I’ve got with Moshe isn’t anywhere near as fun.

During my sophomore year I fell in love. At least I thought I did at the time, with a girl named Sue. Now there’s more back story to how and why I picked Sue but I’ll leave that for another time. Right now what you need to know for sure is that Sue and I, after some ups and downs, clicked. We were both drama geeks, enjoyed the same writers and overall had a good time together. I was doing some drinking at the time and having a bad time of it at home.

I was the only man in a family with eight women. They all loved me in their own way but also tortured me in their own way as well. My mother and I never saw eye to eye.

This particular year we had already had some serious fights that had lead to electrical chords and broom sticks being used on me for punishment. I’m a tall guy and my mother felt that she no longer had the physical strength to put me in my place with just her hands. So she resorted to other means.

That day that we saw the Crow I got home late. I had been getting home late for various reasons before, school drama, hanging out with friends or whatever else I could think of to have some freedom.

My mom had gotten home before I did from watching my movie and she was waiting for me when I came in. Sue is Cuban. Many Cuban families celebrate a girl’s fifteenth birthday with a huge party, much like the American Sweet 16. It’s a gala event and she and had been dating for a while and my mother knew it.

Her punishment to me? Grounding me from going to my girl’s party.

I have to admit that I had a touch of Emo in me when I was in school because my reaction was to try and kill myself, literally. I took some medicines from the cabinet, downed it with a two liter of Coke while my mom and grandma were grocery shopping and laid down waiting for sweet bliss to just take me away.

Two hours later I woke up. My mother’s car was idling in the driveway, they were back. I got up to help bring food in. During my second run from the car to the house I collapsed. My knees finally gave way. I knew that I wasn’t doing hot, I had looked in the mirror and I was pale and sweaty. Whatever I had taken was doing the job, it just needed time.

My grandmother knelt down to help me and my mom gently pushed her aside.

“Leave him be. If you’re trying to kill yourself make sure you do it right, I don’t want to take care of a vegetable for the rest of my life.” Was all she said and continued on her way.

I went to school the next day, somehow I didn’t die, and I found Moshe. He took one look at me and knew what I had done. He took my arm and wrapped it around himself and took my shuffling husk to the Yearbook room where they also had a private office. He set up three chairs, put his jacket down and told me to stay there. He went and got Sue and Mick from wherever they were and told them what was going on. He cast on weary eye at me and said, “I have to do some things. I’ll be back to check up on you. Don’t leave.”

The next three days those three people held vigil over me during school. I didn’t go to class, it didn’t matter, I had an in and the teachers turned a blind eye. Sue would watch over me for some of it, then Moshe would come in, I’d talk him into dragging me outside to smoke a cigarette and talk for a while and Mick would be teaching the whole time in the classroom, one spoken word away from me in case I needed something.

I don’t talk to any of them anymore, life’s funny that way when you think you’ve made life long friends until something in life changes that perspective. Sue and I went our separate ways, never to speak to each other again it seems, Mick is in Florida doing whatever Mick does in Florida and Moshe lost his life being the carefree guy that he’d always been.

Still, those three made sure that I would be here for this birthday. They made sure that I understood what it was to live to make sure another survived. They probably won’t ever read this but I wanted to thank them for making sure that I realized that life was to be enjoyed, not suffered.

Grateful to be hitting 30 (1)

2008-08-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

My birthday’s coming up. I’m turning thirty this year and while most people would have an issue with that number, I don’t. The way I see it, some of the things that have happened in my life, I’m grateful to be thirty.

/Flashback

I was a freshman in high school. I was raised in Florida, Miami to be exact, and I ended up going to an inner city school. In my neighborhood there were two high schools. One was an all Latino high school; most of the Cuban kids went there. It was right at the border with Coral Gables, which is a some what posh area. To go there meant that you had some status. When you told people that you went to Miami Senior High, they took you seriously because they knew that it meant you had money.

The other school was Miami Jackson Senior High. It was a school that was located right in the middle of nothing. There was nothing but small businesses in the area that were working out of warehouses. There was a 20 MPH speed limit but we were on a main drag and no one slowed down for the kids. The population was about 95% black, 4% Hispanic and 1% white (That poor white kid). You went to that school and you weren’t up to snuff you would more than likely get your ass kicked on a consistent basis for the four years you were there.

My hope was to go to Miami Senior High but alas it wasn’t my fate. I ended up in Jackson. My mother freaked when she found out. She was a bit of a racist and didn’t want me hanging around with ‘black folk’. She tried to fight about it with the school board but because of how the district was cut up, she didn’t have a leg to stand on.

So here I am, straight out of being a big fish in my middle school to staring up at the competition in high school. All of my friends had gone to Miami High which left me stranded.

Jackson is still an imposing school to this day, the original building was three stories tall, and they expanded and added a few more buildings that were also two stories tall. Open air hallways so you could always see the weather and it was open campus at the time I was there. I had a couple of strikes against me when I walked into that school. The first, and the most widely understood, was that I was a pudgy kid. I had been fighting with my weight my entire life and in high school that’s like having a big ass kick me sign on your back. I also wore glasses. I have bad eye sight and have for as long as I can remember, some people call the glasses that I wear Coke bottles and I can tell you that to this day I’m incredibly glad I didn’t have the triple threat of having to wear braces as well.

I tried to wear clothes that I felt were ‘hip’ at the time but when you’re overweight and wear glasses, even if you’re plated in gold you’re going to get mocked.

I’ve always been into comics and one of the first things I found out when I got into school was that there was a comic club and of course I joined. This was at the height of the X-Men craze, so everyone was talking mutants and powers and when I walked into the comic club that very first time I made fast friends with a guy named Abel.

Abel is what could be considered in this day and age as a bit of a poser. At the time of the story however he was the baddest bad ass that I knew and we made fast friends and started hanging out. He had a car, was a sophomore and didn’t mind having me around. We talked a lot about nothing and drove to lunch on a regular basis, he always had a gangsters roll and usually paid for lunch. The kid was rail thin but wiry. Bushy black hair and a pock marked face, he did have a winning smile and a good sense of humor, he just thought more of himself than he really was.

About a month into our friendship he started dating Sandra. Now Sandra was quiet the catch in my estimation. She had green eyes, long brown hair, full lips and curves in all the right spots. She was sweet but aggressive. She liked him because he had an air of danger to him. On the weekends the three of us would go out to the mall and hang out, maybe catch a movie, maybe just go and do nothing but there was a very big difference between Abel and myself.

I’ve already told you how I was raised, so I did all of the things that I was taught I was supposed to do for a woman. I’d open her door, if she got cold, I’d give her my jacket. Now it’s not that I was putting the moves on her, it was that Abel didn’t know these little things. He didn’t know that a girl wanted you to walk next to them instead of in front of them. It was all that little stuff that ended up forming our odd little love triangle.

They hadn’t been dating long when Sandra would just call me to talk instead of him. At one point, I remember this, I was at the top of the stairs on the third floor and Sandra caught up to and planted one right on my mouth. I headed back into class and one of the girls noticed that I had lipstick on my face. The good thing about high school is that there were so many different groups that people didn’t really talk to each other.

Still I knew that I had just crossed some invisible line that couldn’t be uncrossed. The three of us kept hanging out but I have to admit to being weirded out knowing that my friend’s girl was making eyes at me while hugging him.

Eventually our little group broke up. Some of it was due to life and the rest of it was just due to burn out. You hang out with one person too long in high school and there’s that possibility. So Abel and I burned out on each other, Sandra burned out on him and somehow she and I ended up hooking up.

There are two stories that I think should be told in this instance that I think reflect my gratitude for hitting 30 and being where I am in life.

Miami has a train system, not a MAX like Oregon, but a genuine train system that connects the important parts of the city together. Sandra lived right off of one of those stops. It was a four block walk to her house from the station if you cut through some backyards and avoided some not so friendly spots.

I had cut class one day to go see her at home because she had missed school. This is the age of pagers and everyone had one, me included. She sent me whatever code meant come over (fuzzy on that one) and so I did. When I got to her place the house was dark. I had been there once before with Abel and knew the layout of the house. The front yard was totally paved over; there were a couple of cars in various degrees of repair lying out. The front porch was barred in, with tile on the floor and two windows one that looked into the living room and one that looked into one of her bother’s bedrooms. In Florida, everyone has potted plants and nine times out of ten, you’ll find a spare key there. That’s where I was told to look, which I did, and go inside and make myself comfortable.

Imagine my surprise when there was another guy already sitting in the living room, in the dark, wearing dark clothing, waiting for her to come back.

Ulysses was his name. Very non-descript. The type of guy you want with you when you’re pulling a heist because everyone will have a different description of him, because he looks like everyone and no one. Just a nameless face in the crowd. Sandra, like the majority of my school, including the Principal, was 420 friendly and this guy was a runner.

While Sandra was somewhat of a catch she also came with a catch 22, three older brothers who were all involved with the Latin Kings. So they knew enough to get in trouble but weren’t well connected to be trouble, at least in my mind.

So he’s waiting to make his delivery and I’m just sitting around waiting for her hoping to get some tail when I notice there’s a rifle sitting out in the open of the living room, leaning up against the television set that was staring out at us like a blind eye. I picked it up, it wasn’t too bad, it felt nice on the hands. I’m staring at it thinking how it had gotten a lot of use out of it. I lift it up and put a bead on Ulysses, “BANG!” I say.

My finger was on the trigger this entire time. I had a mind to pull it to hear that dry snap of dropping the hammer on an empty chamber but something told me to think twice so I didn’t. After my moment of silliness I brought the rifle off my shoulder and popped the chamber, it was loaded.

I had come a second away from becoming one of those statistics about violence at home without meaning it. I could’ve been sent to Juvie since it more than likely would have been manslaughter to some degree. I remember the strength leaving my legs and my knees buckling when I realized what I could have done t the guy. Dealer or runner, it didn’t matter, I would have taken another life.

The second story I have about this girl is the infamous story.

Another day where class was cut, I swear I spent more time cutting class than in class itself during high school, and she was home alone.

In Florida, even when it’s cloudy it’s hot. Most places have central A/C but she lived in an older house and they only had one window unit in one of the bedrooms, so that’s where we went. We had been going at it for about forty five minutes when the door swung wide open on us. One of her older brothers stood in the doorframe looking in on us.

“Get dressed.” Was all he said. She and I laid there for a second just staring at each other, coming to grips that we got caught with our hand in the cookie jar. We were unsure of what was going to happen.

“God damnit I said GET DRESSED!”

We hopped up out of bed, got our clothes on and I bee lined it for the door. I kept expecting to hear a car start revving looking to make me a splatter on the road, perhaps the slider of a gun as a shell was loaded into the chamber but I didn’t hear either of those things, not that day.

Instead I got an unexpected visit four days later. Like I said earlier it was open campus which meant that when the lunch bell rang you had the chance to go out and get food from wherever. On this day I was going across the street from school for some chicken and fries when a Green Accord with tinted windows came screeching to a halt in front of me. Out piled four guys, all of them looking incredibly pissed and one of them is the brother that caught me with Sandra.

He came within two feet of me and pulled out a .38. He points it right at my temple.

“On your knees.”

While I would love to say that I stood up to a guy with a gun, let’s be real, I was a freshman and there was a guy with a gun pointed to my face, you know I got on my knees faster than a five dollar hooker being offered a ten spot.

His boys huddled around me, covering what was going on, the rest of the student body just kept walking like it was something that was seen everyday and they couldn’t be bothered with something so mundane.

“So you and your friend think you can run train on my sister, is that it? You figure your boy got a piece so you can too?”

For the record, anytime you’re faced with a gun, an angry brother and questions that no matter how you answer him are going to get him more angry, keep your mouth shut.

That’s exactly what I did.

He pressed the muzzle into my skin a little more, “I don’t want to see you near her again. The only reason why you’re not more hurt right now is because she likes you and doesn’t want you hurt. Next time I catch you with her, I won’t be as forgiving.”

He put the gun away, nodded to his buddies, they piled in the car and drove off, leaving me on my knees on the sidewalk, watching the student body pass me and look at me like I picked the worst place in the world to say a prayer.

You know what I learned in that situation? Don’t mess with girls named Sandra and don’t pretend to be something you’re not.

/End flashback

PTI part 2

2008-08-18T11:36:00.001-07:00

It appears that I’ve become more verbose recently, you’re either enjoying it or you’re annoyed by it. Time will tell.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about someone who was in my life who recently passed on, Dr. Clare Koznek. You all know that I work at a health clinic and Dr. K was one of our providers. On Aug 8th, as I began my trek to Eugene I received a call from one of my co-workers to inform me that he had passed on. None of us saw it coming, sure we knew that he had health issues but we had just been talking to him the day before, he was still full of piss and vinegar and the last thing we expected was to get that call.

It shook me and it still does. The man was in his prime at only 61 years young. He touched the lives of so many people that it’s incredible. His appointments were only supposed to last fifteen minutes but always lasted at least thirty because he cared about his patients, wanted to know more about them than their health concerns and just liked to talk to people.

His funeral was last Thursday. It was a celebration of the man and his life. There were over 150 people there, standing room only and the stories that were told about him, his life and his family really brought home the type of exceptional person he truly was.

I just wanted to take a moment and write this good bye. The man wasn’t a saint, he had his issues like we all do, but he was true to himself, his patients, his family and his friends.

I just wanted to say, Thank you.

Screwball Part 6 (Week's highlights)

2008-08-15T16:08:00.003-07:00

Time flies when things are going right for you, this week has been the prime example of it. It’s been eight days since my trek down to Eugene and in those eight days it feels like I’ve tried to fit a lifetime into it, I’ve loved it. I can’t say it’s been out of a storybook since I don’t know any fairy tales where the maiden fair is married to some other guy while the knight is trying to win her over (Arthur not withstanding).

We’ve accomplished several things together. I know they might sound mundane to the readers but to me they’ve been shining pieces of jewelry that take my breath away. As a bachelor I don’t do much shopping for food. Honestly I don’t eat at home. Most of the time when I’m at work I eat lunch and then skip dinner all together, I don’t feel like dealing with it. My fridge was filled with drinks, alcohol and snacks but nothing really put together for an adult that needs a meal. So the first order of business at the beginning of the week was to go shopping for fixings.

When I was married I did all the shopping. I’d be sent to the store with a list of goodies that were wanted by all, but not for any type of meal plan. With Ariel it’s completely different. She takes the helm and starts putting stuff in the shopping cart for food for the week. Ahi steaks, Chicken breast and Steaks are the choices, eggs, potatoes, vegetables that include mushrooms (Which I, until recently, would never choose to dine upon). Even with the buying of food, she’s reluctant to get anything for herself. So I make sure to pick things up that I know she’ll eat for junk food: Double stuff Oreos, Chips, soft drinks and iced tea.

Putting food in the fridge is like playing Tetris, we actually have so much that we have to move the drinks already in the fridge around to get it all in. The girl can cook.

First night she was with me, in Portland, she made Steak, Baked potato and that delicious pasta from the Friday before again. Yea, it was yummy.

Other things that she’s done that I’m not accustomed to:

Each day she’s been with me she’s gotten up with me, made breakfast and packed me a lunch. Try to understand that while for some that’s the norm, for me it’s something that I can’t say that I got and if I did, there was much complaining to be had.

We fall into a routine when it comes to dinner. She loves to cook and does it well; I take on the job of cleaning the kitchen for her before she cooks and making sure that the dishes get done. It works well, she keeps me company while I’m cleaning and I snack on her ingredients while she cooks. It doesn’t feel odd, it doesn’t feel like something new, it just feels…right.

We stay up late into the night talking about nothing and everything that comes to mind, we’re built the same way in that we enjoy constant contact with the other person. Holding hands, playing footsie, whatever we’re able to, we do. Our conversations touch on our pasts, our hopes for the future, our regrets, our challenges, joys, loves, quirks and whatever other subject we can think of. None of if sounds rehearsed; neither of us is unwilling to answer a question posed. No secrets.

Thursday we decided to do a couples night. It sounded fun. I invited Jen and Travis over to eat with us. Ariel and I would provide the food and the drinks. First time we get to host something and we’re excited about it.

The night before we go out shopping for ingredients, I leave the dinner plan to her, she’s cooking and I’m just assisting. She decided to make Chiles Reyenos, stuffed peppers. It’s a recipe that’s difficult and it’s also a family recipe. She’s got all kinds of fears about making it but she’s also very adept at doing it. The way I understand it, you go out and get some nice big peppers that you feel have the space inside of them to stuff with ground beef and other fixings, you then fry the pepper and serve. Now just so you understand this is a very simplistic way of telling what to do, her instructions were about three pages long.

She spent hours in the kitchen last night. We started at about six o’clock and finally were able to sit down and eat after nine. She made home made nacho chips, home made Guacamole, and home made pico de gallo for appetizers. They were greeted with hungry stomachs and grateful mouths.

For most of the time she’s in the kitchen I’m around her. I help her do the little things that she can’t get to fast enough; I don’t mind it a bit. The dinner gets served and it’s the tastiest that dish has ever tasted. Jen and Travis eat enough to split as do I.

We find ourselves being comfortable with things that we aren’t comfortable doing in front of others. It’s another thing we have in common and something that we don’t over look. The best times are the times when we have the music playing and we’re sitting talking about nothing to each other and loving it.

Travis and I were sitting outside at one point, I needed that fix, and you know how it is. I’m sweating because of course we pick one of the hottest days of the week to prepare this meal and I have no A/C to speak of. My shirt is sticking to me, I can feel the beads of sweat just running down my cheeks but I’m happy because I know that I’m sweating cause I’m helping prepare a meal for my friends.

He’s sitting across from me in one of the lawn chairs. His Yankees hat low on his head, giving his eye shade. If you look at him fast enough, he almost seems like a gunslinger out of place and time; you can picture the brim of his hat, smell the hot smell of the Earth’s dirt and see that those eyes are tracking their next target who is a block away.

He takes a drag of his cigarette, “Can I ask you something, man to man?”

“Of course.”

Exhale. “I’ve been in your shoes before man. I’ve had to try and pick myself out of the rubble of my life. In a lot of ways, believe it or not, I look at you and I see myself. I know that you lead with your heart and I know that it’s hard to not have someone to come home to. Which is when we just start picking up chicks at random. What I want to know is, is this just some girl or is she your Jen?”

That’s a deep question. Asking me if Ariel is my Jen holds all KINDS of implications that he and I completely understand but we wouldn’t be able to express them to anyone else. I’ve seen the man go through hell and back for the woman that he loves and has loved for a long time. He waited for her, he’s helped her in whatever she needed, he loves her unconditionally.

“She’s not some girl Travis. I’m beginning to feel that she really is my Jen.” Inhale.

He takes a look at me, gauging my honesty in this situation. Whatever he sees satisfies him and he nods his head, “Then whatever you need, let me know I’m there for you.”

Our little circle has grown by one but it doesn’t feel odd. It doesn’t feel forced, it feels fun and normal.

Life continues to move forward, whether you’re ready or not, right now I’m definitely ready for whatever the future’s going to look like. I’m just hoping that I’m planning a future for two…

Pardon the Interruption... part 1

2008-08-14T16:32:00.001-07:00

I’m going to say this once, for the cheap seats in the back, so that we’re all on the same page.

When I started this latest little adventure I honestly didn’t think I would be gaining or losing anything. You guys have to realize that I’ve been to rock bottom and I do mean ROCK bottom not too long ago. It’s not a part of me that’s something I’m going to share but I will tell you that if it wasn’t for Travis and Jen, I would’ve done something pretty silly.

I have spent the last several months feeling like I’m worthless, feeling like nothing I would do in my life would amount to much of anything.

I’m a caregiver. It’s what I do, I love knowing that there’s someone that I can help. It’s when I feel like I’m accomplishing the most in my life. That’s why I counsel people through tough situations, that’s why I share my life with the World Wide Web, so that if someone is going through something similar then they’ll have the decisions of someone else to look at and gauge what they want to do.

I’m transparent on purpose. If you leave nothing to the imagination then the world will k now who you are at first sight.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not scared in this situation okay? To have you sit there and make you believe that this is all just status quo for me would be unfair. I spend each and every single moment I’m getting with Ariel like it’s my last. Why? Because shit like this just doesn’t happen often and usually it’s ends in some sad way. I don’t know what my ending is going to be, I know I love what’s going on.

You know why? I’ll explain it to you because I know that I’m going over stuff a bit slower than normal, for me it’s trying to get it all down and remember it as best as I can, the details guys, the details.

I was married for close to six years and I can count on both hands the times that my wife got up with me when I went to work. I can count on one hand the times that she made me breakfast or dinner. And I can count how many times she told me she was going to cook without cracking the number fifty.

I know what some of you are thinking, “People put their best foot forward.”

This is a possibility but then I look in her eyes, and I know what I see. If you guys are unsure of my ability to tell the truth, and I totally understand that thought process, I turn to Jen and Travis.

I turned to Jen and Travis immediately when things got a little more, interesting. I’ve turned to them to see what they think, what they feel and how they perceive the situation. I’m not reading this wrong, we’re all getting the same vibe. If it was only two of us, there would be skeptics and if it was only me, then I’d be screwed.

If you’ve ever felt a connection with someone. A connection so strong that just walking into the room with them you know how they feel or that they’ve been thinking about you. A connection that just takes ahold of your wrist, whips you around the room and then kisses you like a passionate lover, you know what I mean.

I HAVE to follow this through. I’ve read the comments and I knew that what I’m doing was going to cause some head shaking and some people deciding not to read anymore. I’m sorry for that because I do care about what you guys think, you’re my audience. By that same token, you’re my audience and I have to be open and honest with you about this shit.

I am in love with her, hard. I wish I could play the guarded role and be all cool and shit, act like I don’t care. But I do and I know it and it shows. Co-workers have commented on a change in me, my friends have pulled me aside and told me that they’ve never seen me this happy. Never.

I hope that those who are thinking about leaving, don’t go away thinking that I’m some monster. I’m just a guy. I found someone who completes me. (Fucking Jerry Maguire) I’m going to be in this until the end, I’ve already made myself that promise. I don’t know if the end is a month from now, a year from now or until my dying breath. I don’t know but I want to find out. I want to live this life to the fullest and when I’m with Ariel I have that feeling.

Stay tuned guys if you want to. I promise to keep talking if you keep listening.
The Shaman.

Screwball part 5

2008-08-13T16:37:00.001-07:00

Screwball part 5

The long road home…

The road is a tricky thing, in several ways it feels alive. Headed down to Eugene it felt like the road stretched out before me with no end in sight, on the way home it literally was shoving us back to home base. The drive was great. We spent two hours talking nonsense, trivia and excitement. I wouldn’t have guessed that I would be bringing her back with me but there it was.

I had left a MySpace comment that I was bringing home a surprise. Jen and Travis, God love them, enjoy busting my balls and since I didn’t give them as much as about the situation as I should have their comment back to my mood was, “what you bringing back an STD?” It was a joke…

Still Ariel saw the comment as she looked over my shoulder and gave me a look with those grey eyes that told me she was even more nervous now. I explained the logic my two best friends shared and it settled her a bit. What we wanted was a way to get them back. So we both decided that as we got closer to Portland we’d call them, see what they were up to and where and then just drop right in and see what happened.

A little after 5pm we got to our destination. Neither Jen nor Travis answered their phones when we called, decided to go to my place then. We had just started to get settle when I hear Jen and Travis outside and settling into the lawn chairs. I ask Ariel to go hide in my room for a second.

Jen and Travis had been at the zoo all day with Anni, Jen’s daughter, and Travis’ nieces. They both looked dog tired but still managed to smile when they saw I was back. Course the first thing that Travis says is, “Hey beaner, so you get a form of STD over there?”

It gets a chuckle out of all of us, “Seriously, what’d you bring back from Eugene?” Jen asks. I smile and tell them to give me a moment and go to get Ariel.

I come back with her on my arm and they almost choke on their tongues. The look on their faces is going to be one that I cherish my whole life. They knew when I left that this was a married woman and they both had reservations and now she’s with me away from her husband. You have to remember ‘guy world/girl world’ in guy world my accomplishment deserves at LEAST a high five. In girl world there’s disgust, shame, anger and regret. Those aren’t any of the vibes I got from Jen, they actually looked like they got hit in the gut when they saw her walk through the door and join them outside.

Jen and Travis are my compass. They are all I have left in the sense of friends or family. I’ve burned a thousand bridges by either choice or by fate. The people that I had known for years in my inner circle? All my Ex-wife’s people. Not only would I never go to them, they wouldn’t want me around. So how they feel about the person that I’m with, pivotal because if I can’t hang out with my friends well then, maybe it’s not the best fit in the world.

First order of business is we need MORE BEER, so I go on a beer run alone. Thought process is that if she can survive a barrage from those two then she’s strong and if she can win them over it’s a plus. Honestly, I was sick of being in the car, I wanted to get in and get out of the store as quickly as humanly possible. I could only do that alone.

The evening went well. Jen and Travis didn’t disappointment me with the embarrassing conversation about the stuff I’ve done in the past to make myself look like a fool. We all laughed. Then they asked her pointed questions about her intentions, her thoughts, aspirations, stuff like that.

They finally call it a night at about eight since they have Anni with them and they want to make sure she gets to bed on time. Everyone says good night and we go our separate ways.

Then Jen and Travis blew up my phone. Not only did they like her, they LOVED her. They wanted her to stay, they wanted me to do the very best that I could to keep her, period. They weren’t going to let me let her get away. It’s not how it would go down, at least not in their minds. It was probably a good forty minutes of back and forth with them about how they thought I should handle it and what they saw when I was with her.

Friends are wonderful in that they’re honest with you no matter what. Jen and Travis have really seen me at my worst. They’ve seen glimpses of who I can be when I’m happy, it happens occasionally but not consistently. They kept saying that with her I looked totally and completely happy and at peace. They kept saying that the looks she gave me were more than just passing fancy.

It boosted my spirits to hear them say that. To know that my friends saw what I saw and felt how I felt. They weren’t just telling me she was okay, they were telling me she was phenomenal. Why wouldn’t they when I think she definitely is?

Playing house has its ups and downs. When we got into town I reminded her to call Kevin so that he wouldn’t worry. It was a short call. At the end of the night I told her to call him again, make sure to wish him goodnight, still a short call.

I take all of this in and say nothing. Like I said, I can’t push or pull, I can’t put out ultimatums. The fastest way to make a miracle disappear from your life is asking why it’s in your life in the first place. I’m not that dumb, I’m not going to ask the whys, I’m just going to enjoy the ride. I’m going to show her how much I care. It’s all I can do.

The following day we go over to Jen and Travis’ for drinks and conversation and things get very interesting.

Now you guys know Jen and Travis. These two speak their mind in a fashion that many people wouldn’t be able to get away from. They’ll sit you down, tell you the worst thing in the world about yourself but in a way that once you think about it you’ll be thanking them later. When I had my moment of clarity that led to me leaving the situation I was in, they had spent some time getting me to that point. They had shown me the mile markers that I had passed during my time with her that told me repeatedly, Get off the road moron!

So Travis and Jen have been given the entire story at this time. By the time I left on Friday Jen was worried about me and of course Travis was tickled pink, here’s his large Latino shy friend, going out to score with a recently married woman. They were taken aback that I brought her with me, although proud, and embarrassed by their little STD comment. By the time the next day rolled around they had a course of action, they wanted her and me to stay together.

Jen, “Gabe, we can see who you really are when you’re around her. You’re our Gabe! Silly, funny, no need to put on a show, you’re just you!”

Travis, “Brother, I’ll tell you the same thing that my granddaddy told me when I told him about Jen: Knock her up and knock him out. He says that’s how he got his woman.”

So I’m sitting there with three people I admire and suddenly Travis looks at me and says, “Let’s take a walk.”

Ariel looks at me with her grey eyes and they ask me what’s going on.

“He can’t help you honey. He and Travis are going to have guy talk while you and I talk girl talk.”

Life is a comedy, I swear it is. I’ve found someone who so completely enjoys the same bloody things that I enjoy and she’s married. Recently married no less, figures. Travis and Jen don’t see that as a problem, only an obstacle that must be over come.

Travis’ conversation with me is how it usually is, part bullshitting, part truth, part teasing and part love, mix it all together and you have two guys that look at each other almost as family trying their best to make sure the other is getting what they need in life.

“Brother, I’m not going to lie to you, when Jen told me what you were doing in Eugene I had my doubts and when she showed up here but seeing you with her we can tell you two are happy. I don’t know what’s going on or whatever, but I know a good match when I see one and you two need to be together. We don’t want you to say anything to her. We want you to be who you are with whomever you end up with and this girl makes you the happiest I’ve ever seen you. You can’t let her go man, you guys have a real connection.”

While I’m getting the brother speech from Travis, Ariel’s getting the twenty questions from Jen.

I have to admit that I was curious as to how twenty questions could be played with a woman that’s already spoken for. I mean technically we can’t hold any expectations.

For the record this is fictionalized.

Jen: “So how ya doing?”

Ariel: Giggle, “Okay I guess.”

“What are your intentions toward our Gabe?”

“Well I’ve always had a thing for him and I called to see if he did too and now here we are and I love him.”

“You love him? But you’re married.”

“I know, it’s his fault. I called a bunch of times during the last year and if he had only picked up the phone this would be a different situation.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I love him and I would have left whoever I was with if he had only asked.”

You get the gist. I’ll see if Ariel wants to do an entry.

For the moment, this is all you get.

To be continued.

Screwball Part 4

2008-08-12T18:51:00.001-07:00

Sharing emotions is hard, anyone who’s ever wanted to share the love they feel for someone else can testify to it. You look at some of the great loves in history and it’s a funny thing because it takes time for it to be revealed but once two people know the truth it burns hot and brightly like a supernova.

Sitting across from Ariel I felt that hot supernova effect for the first time myself. It wasn’t something that was worked on, it wasn’t something that felt contrived, it just was. It seared my nerve endings in a way that’s inexpressible but I knew at that moment that this wasn’t just some momentary thing but a feeling that was lasting and that would follow me to the end of my days.

How do you woo someone you’ve lost the right to though? Seriously, looking at the situation, how exactly do you say, “Yes, I know it, you’re the one for me and only you!” when they can’t say the same in the situation? We’d look at each other and smile this smile that said everything, “I can’t believe that you’re here, with me and that you think I have enough value to love.”

You guys remember that one scene in the Lion King where Simba meets Nala after they’re all grown up and they both realize that they love each other? They’re playful but bashful, both unsure of what to do next, yea that was us. Circling around each other unsure of what to say, how to hold each other, if we had the right to.

The first kiss was like fireworks. It was electric and bombastic. We’d both been waiting for who knows how long to kiss and there it was and it was as sweet as I always thought it would be. It tasted like a lazy Sunday afternoon with the one you love as you read the funnies to each other.

The weekend was a whirlwind guys. I remember each moment and by the same token could never do those moments any justice on paper. I know that I felt love, true genuine love, for the first time in a long time. I know that it felt more kinetic, electric and fated. I didn’t feel this way when my wife and I were courting. It’s a real love but one that burns you enough to let you know that it’s real.

We watched some movies, Across the Universe was WAY better than I expected it to be and we ended up singing songs from it to each other. I know that sounds REAL cheesy but we both love music, can’t live without it, so it just felt right. Neither of us was embarrassed in any way while we did it, cause it felt like a good way to exchange the feelings we had going.

We talked about our lives after our last encounter with each other. How she had gone to another job that hadn’t appreciated her, how I had moved on to a county job and started figuring out that I wasn’t ever going to be happy again.

Here’s a tidbit you, faithful reader, didn’t know, Ariel figured out I was unhappy in my marriage long before I did. She’d listen to my stories and the things that I did and she knew that I wasn’t happy, probably not appreciated and taken for granted. She could read the dedication that I gave the relationship I was in but understood that it was a dedication that I thought was important, just that it wasn’t right.

She told me little things like when I would give her a ride home every night, she wanted to reach out and hold my hand, tell me everything was alright and show me that someone cared and knew my worth. How she knew that I had this one song play every time she got into the car specifically because she had mentioned once in passing how she loved it and didn’t hear it often anymore. (My Own Worst Enemy by Lit) The way that when she brought food to the office she always made sure she saved me some so I could enjoy it.

Little things, it seems to be the best way to describe us. We remember the things that most would take for granted. Like I remembered her favorite drink was Dr. Pepper and that Cheetos were her munchie of choice. She remembered how I used to give her extra breaks just so I could talk to her for a little bit (yes folks, abuse of power).

It’s remembering those little things that got us comfortable with each other again. That night is something that I’m always going to remember because to me, it’s the start of a new chapter for me, the start of something fresh and hopefully real and long term.

So the following day we went to Empire. It’s a Chinese buffet that had pretty good food. Now I’m one of those old school fools who really only enjoys the stuff that he knows well and has a hard time trying something completely new. Ariel enjoys Sushi. I know that’s it’s supposed to be this great thing but honestly, I have issues with putting raw fish in my mouth. If we were supposed to eat crap raw, we wouldn’t have been given fire.

In any event we go and this place has decent food. It’s not to die for but it’s not really that bad either. We get there and she tells me to get my food.

“Why don’t we go up together?”

“Cause I always wait to go after Kevin gets his food.”

Yea, not going to fly with me. So we’re both looking at the buffet seeing what’s what. They have some pork ribs, pot stickers and the like. So I grab what I would usually eat and she comes back with Sushi on her plate.

So we’re sitting across from each other and doing the stupid smiles thing and she nudges a piece of Sushi my way. “Try it.”

You know how many times I’ve been asked to try Sushi? So many times I’ve gone out with friends and I’ve never tried it, I’ve just flat refused to even consider it. All she has to do is look at me once and ask and I try it without a second thought. I have to admit that it’s not bad. She had me try five different types and explained each one too me. (I can’t remember it all.. LOL)

We eat and talk some more and I excuse myself to use the bathroom. I’m not gone five minutes but I come back to the table and the bill’s already paid and she’s no where to be seen.

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

She paid and left. I know she did. I was sitting there being all retarded and she was just thinking how she could get away from the weirdo. I ask the server if he’s seen her and he shakes his head.

Yes folks I had a very mild panic attack. I found her and now I lost her. Figures, good job Shaman, way to…

Then she walks out of the ladies bathroom takes one look at my face and giggles, “Silly, you thought I left didn’t you?”

Reads me like a flipping book.

The rest of the day goes the same. There’s all kinds of chemistry between us, all of it is good and just seems to get better. We talk about likes and dislikes and the similarities keep piling up.

Later that night we start talking about health. I’ve been prone to cysts on my back. I’m a diabetic and it seems that it’s just what happens. One of the spots that I had healed weird and now there’s a lump on the top of it. She’s asking about all of the scars and looks at that one and get concerned. She wants me to go get it checked out.

I’m an instigator, “Why?”

She gets quiet, chews on her bottom lip before she says, “Because I want you around for a while.”

Then we talk about her health and I get the chance to be worried.

Hasn’t had a women’s health exam in over two years, has a couple of swollen lymph nodes behind one ear, retaining lots of water and some depression. I’m no where near thrilled that she hasn’t taken care of herself. It comes down to money, or lack of it. So I get a brainstorm.

“Listen. I work for a county clinic. Talk with Kevin, I’m willing to take you down with me for a couple of weeks when you both agree to it, no strings. I can schedule you appointments for a WHE, a regular doc visit and a follow up just to make sure there’s nothing that pops out at them.”

Now when I offer this to her I don’t mean now. I’m thinking in another month or so when they’ve mulled it over I’ll get the okay, which is fine. No she picks up the phone then and there, “Hey, it’s me. Listen the Shaman is giving me the opportunity to get some doctor’s visits done. You know that I need to be seen and such for my medical stuff. I’d be gone two weeks.”

“See you later.” Is what I hear from him.

Wow.

Can I just interject for a moment and tell you that if my woman, whom I just married, told me she wanted to leave for two weeks with a guy that she’s already told me she loves, I’d throw a fit? Yea, a huge two year old fit complete with screaming, crying and kicking but this guy just takes it in stride and after a two minute conversation he’s ready to hang up with her. Lolwut?

So my plans, as they were, change drastically. I’m coming home with a guest. She’s staying for two weeks and we leave the next day.

In my mind, this is what I expected Sunday to look like. I check out of my room and drive to her house, drop her off and give them time together. Let them say what they need to say to each other, talk like lovers do or whatever. I mean, I’m the third wheel in this situation, to ask for more would be stupid.

It went nothing like that. We did leave my room and head over there but I think that how I picture things is a little too romantic. He leaves because he has to get the marriage certificate for her to get a new ID, which takes him about an hour or so due to distance. He gets back and I think, okay now he’ll want to spend time with her, it’s only right and I’ll totally understand, go for a walk or something.

Not even a moment. Literally what happens is that the other roommates put in a Jet Li import and start watching, he sits right in the midst of them. He doesn’t ever look up, he doesn’t ever touch her, give her a kiss, nothing, he’s in his own world. I give him another hour or so, thinking it’ll get better but it doesn’t at all. WTF? Finally at three I ask her if she’s ready and she is, she’s packed for two weeks, bringing some movies to watch and all the other stuff she feels she’ll need. We get ready to leave and she has to call his name a couple of times to get his attention to let him know she’s leaving. He doesn’t even get up.

This was when I was writing Part 3, so in a round about way we’ve caught up to my earlier to be continued.

The good byes having been said, we head out and start a new adventure.

To be continued, come on, you know it was bound to happen.

Screwball Part 3

2008-08-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

Curveball City

It’s Sunday morning for those of you who would like to know when this is being written. I’ve spent the weekend with Ariel and things aren’t clearer, in a way. In another way they’re the clearest they’ve been in a long time.

The drive up was something interesting. I live in Oregon but haven’t explored much of it. I know that farmland takes up a big chunk of the state itself. Since I’m a city boy, I never felt the desire to learn anything about the state. Salem is the state capital and it’s about an hour away from Portland, Eugene is an hour away from Salem, putting me on the road for about 2 plus hours for this little trip. Funny how the mind works though because during the time on the road I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, it never did.

Instead Ariel kept me company during the trip. I got out of work an hour earlier than usual, ran some errands and then put myself on the road to see her as soon as possible. Sadly it was a Friday night right during rush hour, so while it felt like at one point I was ahead of the pack, I was swallowed by it shortly afterward.

Things I noticed on the road about Oregon, there’s a lot of mountains, there’s a lot of farmland, trucks are forced to go 55mph, so getting behind one will do absolutely nothing but slow you down and that no matter how fast you think you’re going, there’s always someone going a bit faster.

The butterflies took the entire trip with me which was unexpected and if anything they got more active the closer I got to seeing her. It was sweet and it was a bit disturbing, I kept hoping that I would see it as no big deal at some point but it never happened.

The trip itself was uneventful. We talked about random things, music, movies, games and the like to pass the time. Once I got to Eugene some of the excitement happened. Kevin, the husband, wanted me to come in one way and Ariel had a different idea of how to get me to their house. I got lost… never a fun experience. Less so when you’re already nervous and that only makes it worse. Kevin was able to lead me into the area that I needed to be in to get to their house and the first thing that I’m greeted with is a man in a kilt, standing outside his house and guiding me. Meet Kevin.

About 5’3, long hair, though not as long as mine, bright smile and a mischievous personality; I like him instantly, can I just say, fuck? Yea I will, fuck.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad that I like him instantly but in another place and time this guy could’ve been a good friend and right now I’m not feeling it. Not because he’s rude, or crass, just the situation itself doesn’t really lend to being buddy buddy. I live two hours away, it’s not like I can come down for a night of boozing with the guy, if I’m in town, it’s going to be for a very good reason and he’s going to be the last person that I’m going to invite to hang with me. Sadly this tears at me a bit, not much but enough to throw me off a bit.

So Cast of Characters:

Kevin – cause I’m lazy and just introduced him.

Albert- Wow. Yea… um he also tried to get me to the house and was doing really well, if he was using directions to get me to the house from the RIGHT area. He was quoting directions from a different highway to me…. It was funny. He’s a cool guy just a bit, eccentric to say the least. He’s probably about 5’5 and 102 soaking wet. Think of a sturdy twig and you’ll have an idea of what he looks like. Nickname seems to be Spider-Monkey on Crack… cause he can climb any surface, any surface…no I didn’t ask so I can’t tell you anything more.

Pip (not actual name) is Albert’s friend. Seems that everyone else had met her that day as well. She was kinda reserved until we got her going. Lanky, blond hair, about 5’7. Think Barbie kinda but maybe like one step down. I don’t know if that makes sense. She seemed to have SOME brains but she’s the American standard right now as far as looks go, there’s a dozen of her at any mall in the nation as I type this. I’m not taking away from who she is, just laying the groundwork. Oh, I’ll explain Pip in a bit.

So, Kevin’s standing outside the house. I’m neck deep in Oregon Ducks territory, you see those little wannabe Donald’s on everyone ‘s windows, cars and houses. Even the stores have little Oregon Duck logos on them. I’m not much into college anything so it’s like walking into a bad episode of the Twilight Zone. You know like that one where the girl has the plastic surgery and she comes out looking like a fox but then they show the doctors and their disappointment and to them she’s this horrible fucking CHUD. (Clerks 2 reference)

In any event, I walk into the house and it’s a nerd’s paradise. On the walls they have posters of comic books, anime, old school movies and tons of action figures on the mantle. (Dragons included.)

For the record I’ve got a little pixie sitting next to me as I write this so if some of it doesn’t sound like my normal rambling, wave to her, she’s editing as I type.

They have several game consoles, an area where TPBs for comic series are stored and at the dining room table, there’s a game of D and D going on and I get to hear a conversation about the exploits of the man of steel versus Batman OUTSIDE of a comic store or convention. Like I said Twilight Zone, this is the norm here… how odd is that? Most of us have to hide in our rooms and chat online and here’s a house where D&D, comics and women playing WOW is common and accepted. Maybe I died and didn’t know it, it’s the equivalent of my 72 virgins! (Points if you get the reference)

Okay so I walk through the door and I take this all in. Kevin’s leading me around and for the record I did shake his hand.

So I go into the back of the house, where the kitchen is and it’s a nice kitchen, definitely built for someone with skills in cooking, which means it would go to waste with me. Albert is there, so’s Pip and I’m looking around and I haven’t seen Ariel yet. My heart’s going like a trip hammer, my brains on overdrive and I suddenly have an extremely high urge to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes at once. Maybe that will help how I’m feeling but I know it won’t and then I hear her voice and my knees just give just a little.

There she stands my Aphrodite, and everything becomes a little crisper in my eyes. I can tell that Albert and Kevin are goofing off over something I have no clue about as Pip is trying to find something to occupy herself with because she feels out her of element. That there’s dinner that’s sitting on stove that Ariel had been preparing as I drove down. That the guys at the table are really getting into the game and the other girls in the house are trying to figure out who wrote Reign of the Supermen, that there’s a cat sitting by a pond in the backyard watching fish that aren’t there. This is all going through my mind and I’m staring at her.

She’s sitting right here, so I’m trying to focus I swear.

Can I say that she’s more beautiful than I remember her? Yes, without a doubt. I think I stopped breathing for a second. I put down the soda that I’m holding (Cause every road trip needs caffeine) and we start bridging that distance between us. Okay, more me than her but still, you know there’s that silly moment like the old movies where two people have been separated for a long time and they’re running to each other in some empty field with “Sweet Mystery of Life at last I’ve Found You” Playing in the background, yea I know.

That first moment where we’re in front of each other with less than three feet separating us is awkward, mainly because we both have an idea of how we want the hello to go but are also just aware of everything else. I do end up giving her the best hug I’ve given in some time and get it returned in kind which is all kinds of awesome.

She’s still as amazing as I remember her. Grey eyes that speak volumes without her having to say a word, blue black hair that’s short at the back with long bangs in the front. A smile that would definitely send a man into lunacy if he wasn’t able to ever see it again. I’m looking at her and I’m positive that she’s glowing and while many might attribute it to a thousand different things I would like to think that it’s a glow that’s just for me.

She made us dinner, Crab Louie, which is a cold dish, kind of like a Crab salad basically with dressing over it, it’s was very tasty. She also made a pasta dish with a homemade sauce and chicken. It was fabulous, seriously even though I was full I still went ahead and finished everything on my plate. I knew that she could cook but I was floored by two things, the first just how GOOD she can cook. I mean I’d tried her cooking before on some other things but this was outstanding! The second, that she had bothered to make anything for my coming in to see her.

Look I don’t have to tell you guys my recent track record and the things that I’m used to getting, you’ve been reading this blog and you know me. So far I’m getting blown out of the water by the effort she’s put forth just for the evening. Many might consider dinner a not big thing but I’m not one of those. People who cook for other people, there’s emotion behind that meal and you can usually tell what emotion when you get that first bite. It’ll either taste like heaven or scorched Earth and not in a good way.

She serves me up and sits across from me, though I didn’t want to sit just yet because of the long drive and my back tightening up, I did anyway, she asked and who am I to say no?

As we’re sitting eating Albert comes up behind me and playfully puts his hands around my neck. I’m not going to shy away from rough housing. Now remember the description that I gave of him, I stand up, put him in a head lock, double him over, ready to go ahead and sweep one of the legs out from under him so I can put him on the floor, pin him and prove my point. I’m halfway to doing this when he says, “Wait, wait, don’t put my back out.”

Crap.

I let go and sure enough his back is out, he’s got to go sit down and I suddenly feel like the big lummox from Of Mice and Men because I don’t know my own strength and I’m also waiting for Ariel to say something to me. She doesn’t, she understands, which is nice but I still worry about the guy.

Now everyone of the cast is out in the back deck while Ariel and I begin to eat. Albert comes back in and starts retelling how he was bent over outside and Kevin was across from him, something happens between Pip and Albert, playfully, where Kevin’s white hairy ass gets exposed because the man wears his kilt traditionally, commando.

Albert’s retelling this story and says, “Man that was some hairy man ass.”

The story’s over, so I say, “How’s your back?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean how’ s it doing?”

Suddenly Albert gets this weird look in his eye.

“When I checked this morning it was fine.”

He walks away from me, lifts up his shirt and starts checking his back in the reflection. Somehow he got his wires crossed and thought that I meant he had a hairy back, which he doesn’t. So he’s standing by the reflection, bugging out and PIP started laughing which is where the name came from. It appears that she has a Pig in her Pocket. She’d sit and snort as she laugh, which got Ariel going and she’s a squeaker so we had a nice snort and squeak going for about a solid ten minutes. It was short of hysterical.

They get going and Kevin and Albert are behind the glass doors leading the orchestra.

So since I’ve come to town Kevin’s going to a strip club with Albert and Pip to spend the time. Which is fine as he’s getting ready to leave he says, “Do I have the sixth liberty?”

Uh…

Seems there’s liberties and hell if I know they all are.

Ariel says, “Yes there’s some condoms in the car, take a three pack with you. How you use it is up to you. When you run out, though, you’re done. Kay?”

Open relationship remember? So what’s good for the goose is good for the gander in this situation. Still how many of us can say we’d be cool with sharing someone we love? Yea not many, me included but like I said this is a very different situation for me and everything that’s been about me has straight up gone out the window with this woman.

We finish dinner and head out to my motel room for the weekend. See she’s promised to be mine for the weekend. If this seems odd to you, think about how this is on me for crying out loud. This woman, who has plagued my dreams with apocalyptic consistency for two years, is putting everything else in her life on hold to spend the entire weekend with me. I’m all kinds of crazy over her and I’m not going to give up my time with her.

We get there, the door closes behind us and we clam up. We finally feel all that fear that we’d been holding back. In my mind’s eye I’m staring at the woman that I’ve longed for for years now. I know there’s stuff I want to say, emotions that I was to share with her, devotion that I want to offer, it’s all at the tip of my tongue but I also don’t know how she’ll take it. Will I be laughed at? Mocked? Tossed aside? Will this be the first and last time that I see her like this in my life?

Yea it’s a lot to swallow at once and I’m looking at her and she won’t even make eye contact, she’s that nervous about being in close quarters with me. I can read that she wants to be there but is also all kinds of freaked out about it. It’s not a bad thing, she’s going through the same thing that I’m going through in my own way.

We make small talk, talk about the silly things in life, talking nothing about how we feel, saying nothing about our hearts and we both know that it’s waiting to bubble up.

Slowly it starts coming out between us. Her fear was rejection, same as mine. The question that I’ve had since this all started up like it is, “Why’d you wait until after your married to call me?”

“Honestly? Because I needed to know. I’ve wanted to know for a long time but I didn’t know if I could handle you saying no without someone there to pick me up.”

This is about when we start realizing that we’re looking at a mirror and the longer the night goes the deeper that realization comes to us. It’s stopped being this small time thing that could be a tryst or could be a lost weekend, this is closer than the two of us understood.

I’m staring at those grey eyes and I’m just seeing all kinds of things that I never expected. I can feel her love for me palpably and I see in her that same light that I saw earlier. It’s brighter and pulsing and I know that she’s not pulling my leg on this one.

I know this is going to sound sad but come on now. A beautiful woman calls you out of the blue and tells you that she wants to be with you, while you’re going to love that fact, there’s still going to be something in the back of your mind that tells you “You’re going to be disappointed”.

Okay I’m distracted right now… (No I’m not telling you)

Can you say:

To be continued?

I knew you could

Screwball Part 2

2008-08-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

So you met Ariel yesterday. Interesting right? You have no idea…

Now for those of you in the crowd with sensitivities I will say this now, stop reading! What I’m about to share is going to rub certain people in a very raw fashion and I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up losing some readers to it but there’s things in life you can’t avoid doing, there’s things in life that you have to finish once you start. If you catch my drift and are already getting upset, stop reading.

You have been warned.

The conversation drifted from just catching up to me being told she could play with other people while she was married; her husband was okay with this. They have what’s considered an open relationship. Now I was raised old school and personally I don’t usually share. Still, I put my cards on the table with you guys about what I felt about her when I first met her, would you say no if someone you had felt something for called you up? Think about that hard before you answer.

So I answer her question honestly. “Yes, I definitely felt something for you. I felt a lot for you actually.”

For the first time in a long time that was greeted with a good answer. It was a greeted with her laughter. Her laugh is intoxicating. It’s what you expect a pixie to sound like when they tease you about something. It’s like hearing the best song you remember from your life and having it played just for you. I haven’t met anyone that has a laugh like that except her.

The conversation turns to the rules. The rule is that she can have playmates but she’s married to him. So I can be her boyfriend but he’s still her husband. Does that make sense? I know it sounds weird, it sounds weird SAYING it, but it makes sense.

To understand it, you’d have to know us. You’d have to know what it feels like to talk to her and there’s no way for me to convey that with my words, it’s a feeling in your heart, your soul and you mind. It makes you feel weak and strong at the same time.

The rest of it is a blur. I know that my admittance of what I felt led to hers. It led to us figuring out how long we’d felt that way about each other and the missed signals that we had both not taken up. We talk about instances in our past that we could remember with clear and precise clarity. Things that most other people would take for granted we etched into our memories to go back over again and again.

By the time we’re done it’s been two hours. We’ve talked to each other about things that we never thought we’d get a chance to and I need to go to bed.

Yesterday yesterday was more of an eye opener. It was a wake up call to your dear Shaman in a way that I won’t soon forget.

I slept like shit the night before. What ifs ran through my mind like little kids in a playground.

The first thing I get a chance to do is drop her a message on myspace and thank her for calling. How happy I was to hear from her and how we fell right back into step with each other, like no time has passed.

Then we talked some more and things got more, serious. See the thing with us is that we’re silly, together or apart, it’s part of who we are. Moreover we enjoy the time with each other so much we don’t want it to end.

“Were you in love with me?”

Deep breath.

“Yes, I was and still am. It’s been a constant.”

Ok wait, don’t go getting all messed up about this. Look you guys can judge all you want but how am I going to say no? She would be able to tell, she’d read it on me. It’s the God’s honest truth that she would sniff out the truth in no time flat. We might suck at signals but can read each other well otherwise and I’m telling you now that if I said no at that moment and she asked me again when we saw each other, she’d know I’d had lied.

This door is smaller.

The conversation that we had yesterday lasted all day except for a few breaks, we bared our souls to each other in a candid way. I know that some of you are upset, she’s married and here I am doing this with her but sometimes, sometimes the heart speaks louder than ethics, morals or anything else. I’m sorry.

At one point she tells me:
You know that if I wasn't married, I would be yours, right?I think I could honestly say that I love you. Even in love with you a little bit.

Fuck.

After that, we pretty much let loose with each other. How can I not say something to that? Honestly, would you stop yourself? Would you keep your head? If you answered yes, then you need to check your heart.

I pour my soul out to her in a way that I haven’t done in years. I hadn’t even done it with my wife for years, this woman, Ariel, is reaching me in a way that I can’t say I’ve been reached in a while and she does it with her soft voice, her quiet giggle and her heart. She wraps herself around me completely and even with this description I’m not doing it justice. She makes me remember what it’s like to feel alive.

She’s my maiden fair, I’m her knight. That’s what I see in my mind. You want to get really obnoxious about it call me Lancelot cause she’s my Guinevere.

After knowing that it stops being a thing about ‘when we see each other again, whenever that may be’ it’s “I need to see you this weekend”.

Then we have the last bombshell of the conversation. She’s gifted. For those of you who believe, she’s got sight. She’s able to see things sometimes, given the right circumstance and being allowed to.

What starts it off is my retelling of the first time that I saw her, for the purposes of the rest of the story I’m going to recite it to you guys.

“I remember the first time that I saw you. I had come in late for some such reason, mainly because I was IT and the Assistant Supervisor, Caroline, bee-lined it straight for me. She explained to me that there was a girl in this first group that has told her that if she would just be allowed to bring her keyboard from home she could be more efficient with taking the calls. She said she had told the girl that IT would be in later and discuss it with her.

“So here I go out in the work area, it’s the first batch of operators that we’re training. You’re all huddled right in the middle of the room, row of cubicles on either side of you. I’m looking at the faces in the crowd, looking at the motley crew of workers that the temp agency sent us and then I see you.

“You were sitting near one of the computers to the right of you. You had short black hair that ended in a shade of red. You had on a pair of cute glasses and you were beautiful. I remember that my heart started beating a little bit faster when I saw you. I got this feeling in my gut, like butterflies and then Caroline came up behind me. She knew me best out of all of the people that I worked with. We’d worked together for a long time at this point and I’d watched girls through the glass that passed by and knew my looks and what they meant. She came up behind me, touched my arm and told me to not even think about it. Then you looked at me and smile and I just lost it. Right then and there I knew there was more to you and that I needed to find it out. I knew that whatever I was feeling was only going to get more intense. Then Caroline cut through again and told me to be cool. So I was cool.”

And that moment is always going to be in my head, that first moment will be something I’ll never forget. It was a breath of fresh air and in the same moment, the remembrance of something better and bigger and stronger that I had forgotten about. It was kismet, it was fate, it was love, it was light, it was everything that you could hope to find in life and it was sitting right there in front of me, giving me a smile that could have easily cause Troy to go to war as much as Helen. It was a moment captured in time that is always going to be mine.

That confession led to some more from her. Like I said some people won’t really understand the rest of this, the rest will nod in understanding and realize that there is something more to all of this.

“I have to tell you something. I thought that maybe it was just wishful thinking, at least that’s what I chalked it up to when it happened but now that you’ve said I know better and I wish one of us would have spoken up sooner. That moment that I saw you for the first time, I saw something. I have some sight, clairvoyance, but I didn’t think that’s what it was. I just thought it was the crush of a girl on a handsome man.

“I had a vision the moment I saw you. In it we were happy, we were together and we were expecting.”

Even typing this it jolts me. She tells me this and I break a little and cry a little more. Here’s the woman that I’ve felt something for for I don’t know how long and she’s telling me that she saw exactly what I’ve searched for my whole life and it was with her.

“How long into the future was this?”

“It was ten years. We had three other kids, Gabriel Jr., Jesse and Matthew. We looked happy.”

There was some more detail but that’s detail that I’m going to keep for me. If there was ever any doubt in my heart, soul or mind that I was in love with her, it was gone at that moment. There was all of it; we had bared something to one another that no one else could truly be a part of. Did I cry? Yes. I’ve been lost in a sea of loneliness for so long and here was a woman that could literally see a future with me. She had been made happy by being with me of all people and she was sad because it was a road not taken and she wished she had just like I did.

So my travel bag is packed and I’m ready to roll. I’m driving out to see her as soon as my shift is done. I don’t have expectations, I lost the right to those and I know it but even a stolen moment with her will last me a lifetime. Knowing that there was a moment in time where the rest of the world melted away and that my love for her was enough to sustain her will let me die in peace because I will feel like my love matters.

You’ll hear from me, you always do. Just if you get a chance, wish me luck, wish me strength and wish me love because when she’s in the picture, it’s all my heart can see.

Screwball part 1

2008-08-07T13:14:00.001-07:00

Funny thing about life, sometimes it throws you a screwball

/flashback

From August of 2002 to March of 2007 I work for an interpretation company. When I started I was just an interpreter, as time went on I because Lead Interpreter, Assistant Supervisor and ended with IT tech when they closed down the branch and laid us all off. During my time as IT guy I helped set up all of the computers that we would eventually end up using. Part of the reason we set up computers is when I started at the office we only staffed interpreters. That meant that we had cubicles filled with people that spoke two languages, they would wait for their phone to ring, translate a call over the phone and then do it all over again.

For the last year that the branch was open we stepped it up and had operators. So a client would be given a special number to call when they needed an interpreter and when they called they would get an operator. The operator’s job was to connect the client with one of the interpreters that were able to handle the type of call they were going to be given.

It was a great time for me work wise since I was being trusted with more responsibilities which would eventually lead to me going overseas for the better part of two months to set up call centers in Peru and Dominican Republic…story for a different time.

In any event, we got the operators through a temp agency. We didn’t have many requirements except they be outgoing, pass a drug screen and be able to type. That was it. We got some bad eggs, some good eggs and some great people.

Two of those people were Anthony and Ariel. Anthony, at the time, was a recent transplant from Rhode Island, how he got to be in Oregon is an interesting story. He’s a gamer, they both are, and his guild leader at the time lived in Oregon. He wanted a change of pace, she had an extra room and bam, Anthony was in Oregon. While their relationship was interesting…to say the least, the point was that he and I hit it off right away because we both played WOW. This was before the expansion had come out, we were racing to get our characters to 60 to chomp at the bit for Outlands and level 70. It was great.

Ariel was a different story. She was native to Oregon and had known the area forever obviously. She was also a gamer, WOW natch, and had many of the same likes and dislikes that Anthony and I had. She was kinda one of the guys. We would all sit outside during break, smoke, talk shit about work, laugh and then go back into the little cubicle hell that we called work.

So the first day of basic training I come in a little later than everyone else, because I’m IT, and I start looking over the group that we have assembled. Now you have to understand that I put together the curriculum to train these new operators on how to use the computers. It wasn’t rocket science but I broke it down into digestible little fractions that would be better suited for them. I’m standing there taking in the faces of these new people when Ariel’s face just pops out at me. She’s sitting down; I remember this clearly, in front of one of the work stations in the middle of the office. She’s got black roots that lighten into a bright red in a pixie cut, cut little cat’s eye glasses and she’s wearing normal gamer attire for the NW. She feels me watching her, turns to look at me and smiles. I’m fucked.

I find out that she is, Ariel, she’s 19, and she’s living less than a mile from my house. I’m seriously fucked. At the time I’m married. I’m not going to say happily because things had been going downhill at that point, still having an affair is nothing I would ever contemplate and at that time even leaving my wife was nothing but smoke and mirrors in my head. So why am I standing there with dry mouth? She smiled at me and my heart just went a little faster…what the fuck?

Yea, so that was the little group…

The three amigos….

One day Anthony comes to me. Now Anthony’s about twenty two at this point. He’s got this Pointdexter thing going on with the striped shirts, real short hair cut, messenger bag on at all times and just innocent little baby face. He’s a cool guy don’t get me wrong, but he’s still a kid. Know what I mean? So looking at him I know that there’s still a lot for him to learn and while I’m not the ‘wise man’ I still feel like if there’s something I can do to help him I’m going to try.

So I’m sitting in the break room, my office was in the back with all the hardware and for the moment things were running smoothly, drinking a Mountain Dew and reading the paper when he walks in.

“Hey Gabe!”

“Sup Tony.”

“Listen can I ask you something?”

From there it spiraled into the usual boy meets girl, boy wants to date girl routine. The problem for Anthony was that he felt that Ariel was unapproachable; he felt that she was way above what he should be shooting for. And at that moment I made the decision to help him win her over. My thinking, my logic as it were, was this, if I can’t be with her because of my circumstance, I should be sure to hook her up with someone that I felt could not only take care of her but make her happy. When the three of us were together we all laughed at our stupid jokes. Cause they were our stupid jokes, you know? Did she laugh at mine a little more? I don’t know. I know that we all had a good time.

So for Tony’s sake and for Ariel’s sake I become Cyrano and give this kid all of the things that I would have done to win her over.

Learn what she likes to drink and then just bring it for her, show her you care. Listen to her stories; say the right things at the right time. Like what? Well if she’s pouring out her soul, put an arm around her, tell her how bad you feel. Be honest, be true and be the man that she needs. It’s not that hard if you put your mind to it. You guys know what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately this kid was like a deer in headlights when it came to women. We’d all be sitting there talking and a PERFECT opening for him to say something would come up and he’d miss it. I’d nudge him to do something and he’d do the opposite. From what I understand at one point SHE was the one that showed interest in him but he backed off.

It was like watching that bad joke about Adam and Eve where God is trying to get Adam to sleep with Eve but Adam can’t figure out where his thing goes. Truly a sad sight.

During this time of course my branch is getting word that we may be closing and every week all of the operators that we hired on are under the guillotine at the possibility of being cut, since they’re temps. So the Supervisor, Assistant Supervisor and myself are having these meetings every morning, cutting people. We all have says and we all make the decision. Each and every single week Ariel’s name gets brought up by the assistant and every week I fight to keep her and every week the supervisor cuts it down the middle and keeps her. Tony’s always safe because of all of them; he’s the quickest and can learn more.

This goes on for about three months and for three months I’m giving this girl rides home cause she’s less than a mile from me and doesn’t own a car.

And I still get that feeling around her.

I still get all light headed when she’s near me.

I’m still married.

I don’t even consider breaking my vow but she’s still a good friend.

When the job ended for all of us we went our separate ways. Ariel and I found each other on myspace not long after and added each other as friends. We didn’t talk much, mainly due to schedules and what not, plus I wanted to keep some distance. It was just the way that it was.

She moved two hours away to a place called Eugene and recently got married, about a week ago.

Then she called me last night.

I’m going to be honest in the last year she’s called me a few times and each time I’ve found a reason NOT to answer the phone. She’s away with some dude, she’s happy and she’s not near me.

So when the phone rings last night I’m thinking to myself, Self, it’s okay to answer the phone, she’s going to tell you the good news that she’s now happily married. You can do the whole, I’m happy for you thing, hang up and feel good knowing you did the right thing. Chat for a bit, go to bed and move on.

The conversation went nothing like I expected it to…at all.

When someone gets married you want to hear about the ceremony or at least pretend to and the after party. She didn’t go into any of that. She did tell me she was happy, she did say that he was a wonderful man. (Two points, I’m good) Then she told me something that I didn’t really want to know, she’d always had feelings for me and wanted to know if I ever felt the same.

Landmine.

I don’t know about you guys but to me it’s too late. What are you going to do, tell them the truth after they got married? How fair is that?

“I’m asking because I love my husband but he is okay with my having a boyfriend.”

LOLwut?

To be continued.

Lady in Shadows

2008-08-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

The hardest part about dating is that you’re putting yourself out there. Never mind the whole monetary this because I find that you can’t take it with you so might as well spend it while you’re here. The most difficult aspect of this is trying to figure out when you’re giving up too much of yourself and when you’re only being moderate enough to cover your bases.

In some circles people dating are divided into two different categories. The first is a ‘player’, this is someone who just barely covers the bases. They don’t really want to get invested into any one person for an extended period of time, they want to have several who they can enjoy moments of happiness with and then forgo the rest of it without any remorse. This is something I’ve never been able to master personally. I’ve always been the time to devote myself to one person until it’s played all the way out. Which leads me to the second category, to use a 90s term, a “Shy Guy”.

That being said we come to Amy.

I told you we had been seeing each other for a period of time. You’ve also read my whole camping experience. (if you haven’t and want to cringe, laugh and feel sorry for me, this is the time to do it.)

The first thing that I have heard recently is, “Is it too soon?”

The thing is, that each person has a different time frame that they feel they’ll need to be able to move on from what’s gone on in their past. I’ve known guys who have their heart broken one day and literally the next have a new girl on their arm, while I’ve know guys who take years to overcome the grief that they felt over the loss.

Personally? It was a weight lifted. Consider this; I only started talking about my situation in March. This had been going on for over two years. In that time I felt like I was already alone. I learned about myself, I learned about my limits, thresholds and desires, things that I couldn’t share with the one person I wanted to do that with.

Is it too soon? No, if anything it’s too late.

I’ve told you enough about Amy for you to get an idea of the personality she has. We play many word games with each other; do a lot of talking and asking questions about life and the like. We’re both counselors are heart so we like to listen to others and try to resolve the problems. Honestly, a pretty good team overall.

Then you start looking at the little things: In the time we’ve spent together, about a month give or take, most of our outings include someone else or going to someone’s house. We’ve had perhaps 5 dates total in this time where it’s just her and I and one of them we cut short for Yeti. (Remember that?) In public I’m more like a buddy but in private she acts like a lover. Then the camping trip she tried to do a little of both, for her sake and mine and it was nice. I enjoyed it and she did too.

I spent the night at her place on Sunday since I didn’t go into work on Monday (Nothing happened, get your mind out of the gutter) and then Tuesday we’d both be busy. So we figured we’d see each other on Wednesday. This has been the routine. While we both have lives, we’ve tried to see each other at night, if only to watch a movie.

She lives 45 minutes away.

She doesn’t drive.

That’s fine. I’m okay with doing that, its part of the woo-ing process.

Then this is the conversation we had that Wednesday:

“So what time do you want me to come up today?” Me

Amy, “you know I was thinking, you don’t spend a lot of time with Jen and Travis anymore. It feels like you’re always here.”

To note, I haven’t been spending time with J and T, this is true but it’s because they’re trying to set up their lives together. Having a third wheel while doing that, not the best in my opinion.

“Is that a complaint?”

“No no, just an observation. Don’t you miss them?”

“Sure I do but I feel like I’ve got better things to do now and they’re happy and I’m happy with what we’re building. I figure there will be time enough for them eventually.”

“Yea but they’re your friends.”

Notice a pattern?

Me, “Hold on. This is starting to sound less like you’re worried about my friendship and more like you’re afraid I’m taking over your life or something. Is that what’s going on?”

“Kinda, yea. I mean you’ve been up here six days out of the week for two weeks straight.”

“Yea, because I was under the impression that I was wanted up there.”

Amy, “You are. I just want to make sure you’re still your own person, you know?”

Alright, enough is enough.

Me, “Look, I wanted to talk to you tonight because I wanted to figure out what we’re doing here. I like you, I think you’re cool and enjoy my time with you but what is this that we’re doing exactly? We don’t use labels cause you don’t like them, fine. Still, one minute you treat me like a buddy and the next like your lover. I enjoyed camping but when started planning that it was going to be something small and intimate, it ended up being a clusterfuck. What you’re doing feels like you’re pushing, is that what it is? It’s like we’re building this house, and all we have is the framework and we’re throwing shit in, see if it looks good and then throwing it back out cause it clashes. What kind of house are we building Aim?”

Silence.

More Silence.

Finally, “You’re right. Those are good points. I need time to think. Let’s talk about this tomorrow night instead okay?”

“Sounds good.”

CLICK.

Wednesday bleeds into Thursday. The one thing neither of us thought about was that she gets the boys on Thursdays. Talking in front of them, not going to happen, we’ll handle it on Friday.

Friday and she’s not feeling good. We postpone til Saturday.

Saturday comes and goes, still not well. We’ll do this Sunday.

Sunday.

Mind you during this time period we’re hardly talking to each other, we don’t pick up the phone we only use texts and the texts are short, sporadic and to the point.

I have a key to her place. I go to her house and I knock instead. She looks surprised but I don’t know where I stand and I’m not overstepping my bounds with anyone.

She is getting out of a marriage too, similar to mine in many ways. It’s been over 8 months for her since she left him. She’s built a life for herself in the meantime. We sit across from each other and talk about the inane things that people talk about when skirting the true meat of a meeting. Then we go quiet.

“So?” I nudge.

She looks up at me unsure of what I mean, “So?”

“So, we were going to talk?”

“Ah, yes that’s right. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I just don’t think I’m ready but I want you in my life, you’re an awesome man and don’t want you to go away. That’s why I kept putting it off.”

There you have it folks. I’m not heartless, of course I’ll still be her friend. She is a great person but it just shows that sometimes even people out of relationships for a long time, just aren’t ready.

Life moves on.

I'm not dead...yet (part 4)

2008-08-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

Last time the Park Ranger had become involved in what was basically a domestic situation with K locked in the bathroom and Nicky talking to him through the door.

Larry, “Okay son, I’m going to unlock the door now.”

Key goes into the lock, lock won’t turn.

Larry, “This is government property, you can’t be holding onto the lock like that. If it breaks your parents have to pay for it.”

Once again, key goes into lock, this time door opens.

I expected the kid to come out kicking and screaming, cursing profanities and hoping everyone would die. What I got instead was a kid in tears with hurt, hate and anger in his eyes. He wouldn’t look at any of us. I hung back while Nicky and Larry got in front of him and started talking about the situation. The kid was non-responsive for the most part until Child Protective Services was mentioned, then he got REALLY animated and asked to talk to Larry alone.

Please keep in mind, this is my vacation! This is the stuff that I’m dealing with for four days!

I’m fuming. How could I not be? I went and did something I never do, Camping, I went out and spent money I didn’t have and what have I gotten for it? A campsite with two adults who should know better, four kids, and Amy who sends out more mixed signals that the President while talking about weapons of mass destruction.

::Deep Breath::

Once Larry is done talking to K, he feels that K and his mom should have some alone time to talk. Yes, this is a good idea…

I go back to my tent and just lay on my air mattress, I’ve got nothing left.

Amy comes in and asks to go for a walk with me, totally cool. So we start walking.

“You okay? You seem upset.” Amy

Folks, how do you answer that?

“A bit. This weekend has gone nothing like I expected, in the slightest. Nevermind following Mel to some place that was prohibited, or the fact that this went from a small camp out to a huge group thing, I’m trying to figure out why we got stuck with Mel and Tanner in our camp cause with them there, there’s never any privacy.”

I think I handled that well.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just felt that because we both have counseling backgrounds that we would be able to handle them better and we have. I know I’ve asked a lot of you but I think you’re handling it great. We’re almost done with the weekend, tomorrow we head back.”

Sunday:

Having gone to bed early the night before and just sitting up and talking to Amy the whole time, it was nice to sleep in.

“Amy?” Tanner, outside my tent.

I hear him in the back of my mind and pay no heed to it.

“Amy? Gabriel?” Tanner.

He called me…shit.

“Yea?”

“We’re going to the store, do you need anything?”

We are in the boonies. We are someplace beyond the boonies. It takes about 45 minutes to get to the nearest store, which will charge you $4 for a Snickers bar because they’re the ONLY show in town.

I think about it for a second, “Pack of Camel lights.” Yea I smoke… what?

The kids heard me talk, now they’re up and about.

It’s Mel’s turn to make breakfast. The night before he had mentioned French Toast. I start looking around, we have all of the needed ingredients for that, and eggs to make as a side order…what are they going to the store for?

I head 30 feet away toward the second camp site and I’m greeted with the image of their site, almost totally broken down. They’ve been up for a couple of hours, made their own breakfast and have had enough of Mel and his antics.

These are the people that I enjoyed camping with and they’re ready to leave, Great.

I start saying my goodbyes. Our goodbyes are long and we end up talking for another hour and a half, which is just enough time for Mel to come back.

Remember, running total of this trip: approx $300…

They pull into the campsite and Tanner tosses me a pack of Camel lights.

“Thanks.” Me

“Sure no problem, you owe us five bucks.” Tanner.

Wait, what?

“Dee and Doo, start breaking down the tents we need to pack up and leave.” Me

Amy looks at me at pulls me aside, “Don’t you want to have breakfast first?”

“No.”

“You want to leave now?”

“Now.”

“Okay then, boys you heard him, let’s break this down.”

As you can obviously see I’m an INCREDIBLY patient person but that last little thing really just nailed it for me. There’s a difference between generous and stupid, I’m falling into that second category incredibly quick.

When we got to camp some of our things were in Mel’s car. Before Joseph and his crew leave I ask them to let me store some stuff in their car instead. I would rather not deal with Mel, period. We break camp in about an hour and head out.

I get lost, spend an hour driving toward the coast instead of toward the city.

Double back.

At the end of it all I learned a valuable lesson, if you’re going to go camping, go dutch.

Since then some other stuff has happened with Amy, but that’s a story for another time.

I'm not dead...yet (Part 3)

2008-08-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

During our last installment the merry band of campers moved to a new area and I found out that the guy leading the whole trip was high on a regular basis…literally.

Saturday:
With a night under our belts, we woke on Saturday with the hopes of a better day. Amy made great breakfast burritos for the whole camp and the kids frolicked around, checking out the trails and various other camp like activities. They found sticks, logs, and moss to use for the campfire during the day and late into the night.

The way that the camps ended up playing out is like this:

Because of the animosity that was being felt toward Mel, Nicholas, Felicia, Joseph and Kristy got their own campsite. It was the best way to keep the fights down to a minimum.

If you’re actually reading this little story then you know that means we had: Dee, Doo, K, S, Tanner AND Mel.

Again, not pleased. (Are you noticing a trend? Cause I sure as hell am)

This meant that we literally were babysitting the entire time we were there. I don’t mind kids, you guys know this, I LOVE kids. Dee and Doo are freaking EXCELLENT boys and I love having them around. Yet we also have two other kids about the same age, a gentleman that’s touched and one that’s out of his gourd, this does not translate into fun for me. I spent most of my time in Nick’s campsite just to keep my sanity. Which I’m sure raised some hackles on Amy’s end but honestly, I could give a care at the point I was at.

Remember Larry? Yea, he showed up again. He comes biking down the trail, he remembers my name (never a good sign) and asks me if anyone had lost some hunting knives. As a matter of fact, as had. Dee and K had gone exploring down the creek and somewhere along the lines the boys had put down the knives, walked away and forgotten where they put them. There was finger pointing on both sides as to which thought had left it. They hadn’t found them and we considered them lost, now here was Larry with them in hand because a hiker had spotted them and brought them back. Talk about cool.

We had divided up meal chores for everyone and Saturday night was our night for dinner. Amy made potato soup, which I’m sure was good but I didn’t eat because I was at Nick’s camp site enjoying dinner with them, Felicia had cooked and DAMN that was great food.

While walking from one campsite to another (which was maybe 30 feet) I saw the boys playing with ‘walking sticks’, just random sticks they had found on the trail and felt they could work with. Boys are smart but when it comes to knives, they lose their minds. Now these are thick sticks, and I find Dee and K using them like light sabers on each other and the father instinct in me starts screaming that if they swing too hard and aim wrong, fingers will get broken, hospital trips will have to be made and the camping trip in general will be a total wash.

“Guys, Please stop swinging those sticks cause if I hear one ‘ow’ I’m just going to tell you to put them up and you won’t get them the rest of the day.”

What do you think the first thing I hear is?

Right, OW!

So the sticks get put away and there’s some mumbling but it happens. I’m sitting with Nicky and Felicia and we’re laughing about whatever’s being said between us when we start hearing this screaming.

“HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Nicky and I exchange a look; the sound was coming from the communal bathroom in the campgrounds. Nicky gets up to see what’s going on while I stay behind to just keep things in order with the kids. Amy’s headed up there too.

What do they find? K is leaning up against one of the bathroom doors, Kristy, his mother, is the one that’s screaming bloody murder and the kid’s got a smile on his face the whole time.

Nicky gets K to move and let’s Kristy out while Amy talks to the kid and tells him to just go blow off some steam and when he’s ready to talk he can come back.

While he’s gone we talk to Kristy, explain to her that she can’t let him get away with this behavior and that’s when she shows us the bruises on her upper arms that K has left in the recent past. It’s not a one time occurrence.

Then an hour passes. Kristy begins to get a little frantic. Nicky and I decide we’re going to go on a little adventure to try and find him and then he finds us, in a manner of speaking. We find him where the whole thing started, locked in one of the communal bathrooms.

I’m not usually one to try and get authorities involved in anything, if you can handle it yourself, do so. However I was in a bit of a dilemma. The kid was holding himself up in one of the communal bathrooms which meant that any of the other campers could come right along and complain that there was something wrong. Plus Nicky wanted to hold vigil over the bathroom and I don’t know about you but I think that a grown man just watching bathrooms would raise some kind of alarm.

So where do you think I turned to?

Larry. Again, this poor man was put in our path cause he had so much flippin patience. I go up to his cabin and tell him that one of the boys is having problems with the door. I try to gloss over everything that’s happening for a very specific reason, Larry could get this kid taken away with one phone call and I don’t know how Kristy would react to that.

As we’re going up the hill to the bathroom Nicky sees me and before I can tell him to can it, he starts in.

“Alright bud, the Ranger’s here and he’s going to open the door. You have to learn that you can’t go locking people up and hurting your mom like that, it’s not a man thing to do.”

All eyes on the Shaman. The other shoe dropped and Larry understood there was more going on than I had informed him of.

The hits keep coming.

To be continued.

I'm not dead...yet (part 2)

2008-08-01T11:48:00.001-07:00

When we last left our group of intrepid campers they had just been informed that they would have to move their camp site.

Because Mel was so busy arguing his point about how we should still be able to camp there, I took lead position again. I took Nicholas, Felicia and Amy with me, got into my car and drive up to the designated campground. We had two things going for us. First, that it was first come first serve, so that meant we might still have a chance at getting a camping spot even though we had no reservations. The second was that it was early enough Friday that the weekend campers might not have arrived yet. Luck smiled upon us and we were able to find to suitable camp sites right next to each other. This also meant that we would have to take up a collection to pay for the camp rental.

So we pack into the car and start driving back to our original ‘camp site’ when I notice that Mel’s car is creeping up the hill, before I had left I had told the campers to go ahead and start packing up all the little stuff, the foods, clothes and like and then also take down the kitchen that we had made in the creek with all the perishables. With as many people in the camp as there were, this shouldn’t be an issue…

Mel had taken a different approach. Instead of pitching in and helping all the campers break down their stuff, he had just grabbed his own loot, tossed it in his car, grabbed his daughter S and Tanner and split. I angled my car to make him stop and pulled up next to him.

“What’s up?” Me

“Well, seems like the other kids were hungry and instead of breaking stuff down the campers decided to feed them. So nothing was getting done, I grabbed my stuff and left. I’ll meet you at the other camp.” Mel

And off he went.

So basically, for Mel, it had gone from a group campout to a free for all in the matter of twenty minutes. That also meant that his taking his vehicle before everyone was packed meant that we would have less space to work with when breaking down the rest of the camp and trying to move it. I’m frustrated.

I get back to camp and the kids are goofing off instead of helping pack. I’m already at my limit and it’s not going any better. I wrangle the kids and have them start putting stuff together and loading it onto my car and Joseph’s so that we can start taking it to the new site. We’re going to try and keep the tents up and just tie them to the tops of the cars, pray to God that they don’t get ruined.

Then the Ranger comes back. His name is Larry. I say this because he shows up in my life a few times during this little expedition.

Larry comes back to check up on us because Mel left, I’m the leader of the tribe now, it’s just the way that it is. I take responsibility for the misunderstanding about the camping spot and let him know that we’ve already found two sites up top and are just getting stuff ready for the move, with the loss of one of the vehicles it’ll just take us a little longer.

“Well, I’m here to help. How about we strap those tents to the bed of my truck one by one and get you guys where you should be?”

Can you say, Woot!? I knew that you could!

Larry makes three trips for us with our tents, making sure to drive them to the designated camp site that we had already talked about before he leaves with them. In the meantime that leaves Joseph, Nicholas and myself at the original camp site, finishing up and just watching the tents until they get moved. We loaded up Joseph’s car and sent the girls up with the kids to figure out what’s what.

This is when I get a new nugget of information that I wish I had known a lot sooner.

Mel suffers from several different aliments. I didn’t get a list and I didn’t ask honestly. I DID learn that the gentleman had on a patch. The patch carried a morphine dosage of 250mg. It seems that he has it on all the time and it impairs his vision and alertness, this would explain the weaving in the road. This would also explain why he had no clue as to what he was doing and somehow he had managed to lead this little group of wayward travelers. Again, not amused.

So as you can see, this is coming to a boil and it’s only the first day.

Now, you all know this is my SECOND camping trip. The reason I’m even GOING is because of Amy. So let me give some background.

I’ve been hanging out with Amy for the better part of a month. She’s a pretty cool chick. She’s in AA, has been for 10 years. Active in the social work part of the whole bit, a bunch of sponsees, club activities, blah blah blah. She’s very smart and a great cook. Like I said, a pretty cool chick. Thing about meeting someone new is that you try that person on like a glove. You want to know if you’d mesh in the long run. You want to learn about what they believe of life and love, religion and politics. You want to know if they’ll have a sense of humor early in the morning or if they’ll understand if you just want to sulk after a long day at work.

This camping trip, in a lot of ways, this is the final test. We’re both inquisitive so we’ve spent hours talking about nothing and everything; we’ve spent time learning the little glitches of each other, the happy points of life and the tough points that make us who we are. However, this camping trip, this is no holds barred.

So you can imagine, the fact that there’s so many other people there, really, it’s not something that I was expecting. In fact I wasn’t keen on the idea of taking anyone else but her service work took precedent, so I caved.

I don’t mind telling you that I’ve, at this point in the story, already dropped two hundred dollars on the trip. Between food, propane and gas for the car. The collection that we took up for the food and stuff for the camping trip somehow netted us a whole 20 dollars…I had to flip the rest… for the whole group. When the whole, we need to pay and additional cost for the camp sites issue came up, everyone cried they were broke…. Okay, so I take on the cost. Now we’re at 250.

This is only F R I D A Y.

The rest of the night went without issue. Already I’ve got a storm cloud over my head. I’m not a stingy man by any means of the word but I’m starting to feel a bit taken advantage of. Still, I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt. After all, tomorrow’s Saturday, it’s a new day and absolutely anything is possible!

Man, I know how to put my foot in my mouth….

To be continued.

I'm not dead...yet (Part 1)

2008-07-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well, last week I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger by telling you I was going camping and that I would fill you in this week on what happened. According to my calendar it’s Thursday, which means I’ve kept you waiting four days longer than expected.

As with any story, there’s a cast of characters:

Amy – she made her first appearance on this blog not long ago and it was at her
behest that we went camping. We’ve been seeing each other, there are no labels to anything, just seeing what’s what.

Dee and Doo – (not real names, natch) Amy’s step kids. Really her ex-husband’s kids but somehow she managed to be able to get joint custody…don’t ask. One’s 12 (Dee) and one’s 9 (Doo). Full of life and questions, they are awesome kids.

Joseph – Think old school Chicago gangster. Only speaks when he has something important to say, other than that he just observes. Great guy, probably mid-50s. I enjoy this man’s conversations greatly.

Nicholas and Felicia – Nicky is Joseph’s best friend, he’s about my age. He’s a great guy with an AWESOME sense of humor, like me. His girlfriend’s name is Felicia, she’s 11 years his senior but also has a great attitude. When we first met it was like finding a lost sister. We rib and harass each other constantly in a very good natured way.

Tanner – about 27, seems like a nice guy. He’s touched so it takes some patience and time to deal with him.

Mel – ‘leader’ of the camp out (I use that term loosely). Had the ‘inside scoop’ on a camp ground where we wouldn’t have to pay.

S – Mel’s daughter, about 10.

Kristy – Lady friend that Joseph brought with him. She acts VERY young for her age. I put her at her mid 20s when I met her, later on during the trip I found out she was in her mid 30s.

K – Kristy’s son…he’s 12…

As you can see from the cast this went from a simple camping trip to a complex one in no time flat. When this camping trip was originally planned, it was going to be four of us. The kids, Amy and I. Then it grew and grew and we got stuck with what we had.

Friday:
We had asked for Mel to meet us at her place early in the morning. We still had some stuff that wouldn’t fit in my car and wanted to use his extra van space to handle it all properly. He showed up an hour late. We managed to get all of the gear into his van that we needed to and we were off. This is where things, things really went wrong really fast.

The campsite that we were going to was one that only Mel knew about. So we were forced to follow him over there. The downfall of that was that the gentleman was driving for himself and not thinking about the other two cars following him. So if he was in a turn lane where the three cars were waiting in line and he got a yellow, he wouldn’t stop and wait, he’d take the yellow and leave us behind waiting for the light change again. Most people at this point would pull over and wait for the rest of their party, he would just keep going.

Majority of the drive before we hit the rural area was playing chase and tag. He got on the express way and we’d have to wait for the light. We’d call to see how far ahead they were and they would be six exits up, ask them to slow down. Call again, not seeing them, and instead of being a steady six exits up, they were 8 exits up. My little Saturn was cruising at 80 MPH and still couldn’t catch up to the guy. We were upset.

Finally managed to get him to stop, talked to him about keeping us in sight, remembering we were following him. It happened again.

We hit the rural area, about 45 minutes into the trip. This is when I notice something new. Since I’m the lead car behind Mel I’m seeing first hand just how BAD his driving is. Now I don’t mean tail gating, I can understand it if not condone it. No, I mean this guy was all over the road LITERALLY. We’re in the right hand lane and he’s pitching to and fro from the medium to the left lane. I don’t mean a little bit either, I mean he almost ate the guard rail a couple of times.

We had split up the kids, the older boys Dee and K, were with us in my car. S and Doo were in Mel’s car. Watching him weaving in and out of traffic was a big issue. Here comes Joseph. He’s been driving behind me this whole time, no worries in the world, just watching out ass when he goes from 80 to about 95 to pass me. (2 lane blacktop) Mel’s driving has freaked out Joseph enough that he makes him pull over and takes Doo out of the van and puts him in his car. Yea, it was that bad.

After about 2 ½ hours of driving we finally find the spot that he’s looking for and I will admit that it’s indeed a nice spot, to be sure. Do a little hill, next to a creek, huge trees giving a canopy, it’s great. This is when I kinda start taking charge. I instruct everyone to get their tents out only at first. We need to set up the tents so we can put things where they belong once we’re ready.

It takes us about two hours to set up camp. In that two hours we put up tents, bring down supplies, put together a little ‘cooler’ in the river, and make fires. I feel like we accomplished a lot and I’m burnt out. So I decide to take a nap.
Forty five minutes later Doo is at my tent door telling me that there’s a Ranger wanting to talk to me.

Seems that this sight that Mel had been so used to using for years and years had been sold as private property five years ago…he’s been to that camp site, six years ago. So we had two hours to pack our crap and go up the trail about 2 miles to designated camp sites and pay the 10 dollars a night it would take for us to stay there.

The fun’s just starting…

To be continued…

Camping

2008-07-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

A quick note. I'm going camping starting tonight. I hope to have pictures to share with you all. I'll even tell you the story of the first time I went...

I hope you guys have love and light in your life. Enjoy the weekend.

The Fate of J

2008-07-22T13:35:00.001-07:00

One of the worst things of having decided to move on is that I knew J would be left behind. It’s not because of all of those macho things you might think:

“I’m a young guy, he cramps my style.”
“Chicks don’t want to with a kid in the room.”
“I’m not dressing him.”

The basic fact is that J is in Foster Care. In any state to be certified to be a foster parent, not only do you have to have extensive training and pass a background check, your home must also meet approval. If it sounds like cake then you’re wrong. Having the house pass inspection is the toughest thing in the world simply because we overlook the things that they feel are incredibly pivotal to the well being of a child.

Since I’m the one that moved, the housing that I would be using would have to pass inspection and while I like my new pad, I don’t think its kid friendly in the slightest. Travis has been a bachelor for far too long. His walls are covered with bottle tops from his beers, there’s rodeo memorabilia in every nook and out favorite whiskey, Pendleton, has made a home there as there’s a good dozen empty bottles (Fifths and Half Gallons) on top of the fridge. One dog, but sometimes two or three, depending on who’s there.

Knowing all of this I knew that keeping him with me would not happen. I have no furniture in my room except for an air mattress and some storage bins. It’s not a place to keep a boy.

I have been debating on what to do with him.

The debate is out of my hands.

M told the state that I was no longer living there and they automatically told her that she wasn’t going to be able to adopt him.

I’m torn between breathing a sigh of relief and complete anguish. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him now and I feel like I’m responsible for it.

I’ll keep moving, I always do but still, it feels like another one I’ve let down.

Coming to Terms..

2008-07-15T14:38:00.001-07:00

As the time goes by from where I was and where I’m heading I feel clearer headed. It appears that I’m not the only one. More on that in a second.

I spent some more time with Amy this weekend. She’s a very interesting woman and keeps me on my toes. We talk about anything of interest and don’t feel the need to fill the empty spaces of silence with noise. Take note, that’s an important aspect of being with someone else, you will not always have something intelligent or worth while to say, sometimes saying nothing means more.

Friday night I did try to impress. I picked her up at her place, she was looking very pretty and I took her to a little Italian place near me called Giuseppe’s which has great food and they tend to feed you like they love you, if you catch my drift. Then one of her friends started texting us.

Meet Yeti. Yeti is a twenty year old guy who doesn’t have many friends his age. Amy has basically adopted him as one of her kids. He’s bright, funny and twenty. Don’t get me wrong I’m not age discriminating but there’s things I’ve picked up from him that raise a bit of a flag and then there’s things from him that I’ve found that just make me scratch my head. He’s recently been dumped by his current sweetheart and is going through the ‘no one will love me’ blues. I don’t need to tell you guys what it was like to be 20. A month was an eternity.

I had spent some time with her during the week but in the company of friends. We hadn’t really gone out on a DATE since the week prior and while I love socializing, I want to get to know someone better and that’s something that you do alone. Over dinner, drinks, a walk or what have you. He was lonely and wanted us to go see Hellboy 2 with him. Any other time I might have taken him up on it, it’s a movie that I’m interested in but really, I’m seriously more interested in getting to know Amy better…

Text Reply from Yeti: What’s up with you guys? Why are you being anti-social?

Okay, anyone who’s started seeing someone can attest that being told you’re anti-social is NOT okay. You both try to find that balance between the friends and lifestyle you were leading and the person you’re interested in and they’re schedule. I did invite both Yeti and Amy over to my place the Wednesday before. We played Scrabble, talked shit, laughed a lot and they both left at the end of the night. The day after that I met her step kids and we spent time playing with them and such… then I went home, alone. So far as we are both concerned, we’ve been good.

We tell him so and move onto the dinner. Which was divine and as we’re sitting there enjoying this meal, we both keep thinking about Yeti. Because we can both hear him calling out for help in his own way. He’s hurting and has no one to turn to. We’re the only friends he has close to his age. So we’ve been at dinner for maybe forty minutes when we both decide, let’s make an exception. Just this once, we’ll go ahead and answer his call for help on our night together and help him through his rough patch.

We went to see Hellboy 2 (when we decided to help him we had to grab our food and run, it was a half hour drive to a movie that started in 45 minutes) and it sucked. Yes I said it, don’t go see it, rent it. I wanted to walk out of the movie, which never happens.

After the movie we went to Shari’s (Think Denny’s if you don’t know what I’m talking about) ordered some desert and talked him out of his blues. It was after 1am when we were said and done with him. Do you have any idea how sad that is? Talk about a date killer.

There in lies the rub with Yeti. While I think he’s a cool kid, he can very easily be a 3rd wheel. I’m affectionate but doing it around him feels odd so we’re more like little friends. He watches us. Which brings me to my next little bother.

He’s into Amy. Amy, sweetheart that she is, doesn’t see it. She doesn’t have a very high self esteem; much like me I suppose and doesn’t see where he would. I pointed it out to her over dinner not long ago, before I met him based off of the things that she told me. I told her for two reasons.

One – I need to know the playing field. If I don’t know what I’m getting into, then I’m going to have issues. It’s bad enough that you’re trying something new but if you’re doing something new and you’re already behind the eight ball of some unrequited love, well then you’re hosed.

Two – If I was already picking up on it and I hadn’t met him, it was a strong thing. If I waited to tell her until AFTER I met him, it would seem like some petty boyfriend thing instead of what it was, truth. The truth was and to some extent is, that he’s taken with her. The question of why doesn’t factor in because, she’s easy to be taken by.

So part of my reason for helping him is because honestly I like the guy. In any different situation I might have been good buds with him off the start but because of how we met, I think we’re both playing with kid gloves. The other part is, regardless of whether he’s taken with Amy or not, she cares about him like a son, that’s enough for me to care about him as a person.

Saturday was a little different. I helped clean her cottage for a bit and then she had some things to do and Travis and Jen wanted to hang out with me so we went out separate ways and then my ex called.

The funny thing about an ex sometimes is that no matter how happy you are at the moment they call you, they’re able to bring you down from that cloud in about 2 seconds and remind you just how shitty they made you feel. Moreover it’s like being in a meery-go-round without the merry involved since all they want to talk about is why you can’t give them another chance. Why you feel it’s never going to work. How they forgave some little thing in your past and this is the same thing, which it’s not.

So she asked me again, “Why can’t you?”

“Aside from the abuse and all the other crap? Okay, let me put it in perspective. Let’s say you catch me cheating, you’re going to be pissed BUT you know that if you give me another chance, well there’s a better chance of things working out. You’ll keep tabs on me and I’ll be remorseful and unwilling to do that again. If it was an affair, I could forgive it and move on. This isn’t an affair, it’s something worse. I can’t keep constant tabs on what you’re taking or how often. I can’t be with your 24/7 to ensure that you don’t relapse and I sure as shit can’t be the person you turn to all the time to tell you what to do and how to do it. I don’t trust you.”

Since then she’s chilled out some. I don’t get as many texts and she doesn’t call. I felt like I should help her with money but I don’t want her to keep thinking that it means we might get back together. She may just go the way of the Dodo. Time will tell.

Silver lining – Grey Cloud.

The Silver Lining...

2008-07-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

.

So yesterday I bitched and moaned. No one really liked that, at least I didn’t so today I’m going to something a lot more creative and happy. I did something like last week that I haven’t done in a LONG time. I went out on a date.

It’s been over eight years since I’ve gone a date with a complete stranger. Someone who I didn’t know personally already and was introduced to by a friend who thought we would hit it off. It’s not that I don’t like that type of thing, just well, you know how it is. Personally I don’t date around, I pick a lady and see where it leads, always been my M.O.

Her name’s Amy. She’s a bit of an oddity but in a good way. Our first date we went to Denny’s (Which I hadn’t eaten at in a very long time) where we sat and talked for about six hours before I figured out I should go home because I had work the next day. She’s a free spirit, does a lot of community work and doesn’t rely on alcohol or meds to keep her world going. (Can you say relief?)

We’ve spent some time together. She’s met my friends, as few as they are, and I’ve met her friends…which seems like the whole state. You ever watch a western? Where there’s the bar maid that’s beautiful in an untraditional way? Yea that’s Amy. I remember the first time she was messing with her hair (she’s got red hair) and she picked it up, and looked at me a certain way and it was like sitting in the old west, very cool.

Rambling. Anyway the purpose of THIS post was to show that there is a silver lining in every situation. This is obviously a fun person I’m hanging with as I’m not looking for anything either serious or long term but what she has helped me learn is that I still am someone that others want to meet.

Don’t forget that in your own situations. While you might be up against a wall now…there’s always tomorrow and it may be brighter indeed.

I pray for love, light and laughter for you all this weekend. Have fun guys, enjoy your lives. I’ll be back next week.

The dinner, the aftermath

2008-07-10T15:46:00.001-07:00

There are times when I think that we do things even knowing that no matter how much you wish it, the outcome will not change. You look at our childhood, when we first start learning about gravity. In that instance of life we continue to drop toys off the side of the crib in hopes to see if there will be a different outcome than the usual dropping of the toy onto the floor and away from our grasp.

Later on we push boundaries constantly with our parents to see what we will and won’t get away with. Sometimes trying the same thing over and over again thinking that it’ll change something and it doesn’t. We’re still grounded for misbehaving or touching something that we aren’t supposed to.

High school, same thing really, we cut class and expect not to get caught. We cheat off our friend’s exams and get caught. We drink, we smoke, we have sex, get caught, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars and go directly to “you’re Grounded!”

Some things don’t stick it seems. Even though I know that there’s things that doing over and over again will never change the outcome I continue to do it.

Case in point, just this past Monday.

NOTE: I actually had an incredible weekend, met some awesome people and a very interesting young lady but all of that got tossed aside because of the story I’m about to tell. It’s amazing how ONE event can really change your outlook so incredibly fast. I know some will completely relate and others will think it’s silly. I need to get it out either way, it’s eating me up.

The long weekend behind me and I managed to put off the one thing I was dreading and kept rescheduling… dinner with M. Against my better judgment and the advice of ALL my friends, I went to eat with her last week. It was something quick, less than an hour. However, whatever I thought was no big deal wasn’t seen that way by M. This is my mistake and I’ll take it.

I don’t burn bridges. I hate doing it. You never know what life might bring and losing friends is worse than losing family. You know? So I’ve tried to keep it civil. I’ve called for J every night to wish him good night. I’ve given her some money when she’s short, little things. In the past week however the whole trust thing sparked in the back of my mind. How much trust can one person have? How much do they lose after something like this? Could I ever trust them enough again to want to share my life with them and not have that one thing looming over me incredibly high, like a guillotine about to come down on my neck?

Relationships and trust are hard enough. When there’s a history though? A history of hurt? How much is enough?

So I agreed to dinner and said, we’d do it right after I got out of work. I did this because I know that if I went back to my place, something would distract me and I wouldn’t make it. I’d find an excuse. I’m driving to the restaurant. (I wasn’t going to meet at her place) and my phone starts blowing up with texts:

“Where are you?”
“Are you almost here?”
“How much longer?”
“How much further?”
“What’s taking so long?”
“Are you still coming?”

This would not have bothered me if I was ignoring her but I had already let me know that I was on my way and yet here she is just being aggressive. Now I’m starting to get into a mood.

I get to the restaurant and I see she’s already sitting down and has ordered soft drinks for both of us. She’s got her make up done and her hair and she’s wearing an old shirt of mine. She’s got a twinkle in the eye and she’s all cheery. This is not good.

I am broken. She shattered me. I know this now. I’ve thought about it, digested it and even thinking about it now makes me want to curl up and cry. I gave this woman EVERYTHING that I had, was and earned. Nothing was too much. If I didn’t have it, I’d go out and find a way to have the means to get it. I live for who I’m with, I always have. It’s my nature and I don’t apologize for it. By the same token, I want to feel like it’s appreciated. It wasn’t there at the end. The last two years I held on in the hopes that it would get better. It didn’t it got worse and by the time I left, I felt drained in a thousand ways. If I had been smart I would have taken some time off of work and handled it. I wasn’t and instead it hits me every so often. Even in my highest moments now, I can be brought down low by the failure of my life.

So as I sit across the way from her and I visualize every single thing that she did or didn’t do. I remember every night that I cried. I remember every time that I felt alone and helpless. I remember it all. And my heart breaks again. (Writing this it’s breaking again but I have to get it out.)

Then she starts telling me how she wants another chance. How she wants to move out of her mother’s house, maybe get a job and make another go of it. She won’t let me down. She’s learned her lesson and it’s time to try and move forward together again.

I can’t.

I’m sorry. I really am. I know that some may read this and consider me to be making the wrong choice but I can’t. To think everyday that perhaps she’s slipping a little more. That perhaps the day was too hard on her and instead of coming to me and telling me, she goes and just takes more meds. It’s a mustard seed that’s been firmly planted in my mind and how exactly do you get it out? You can’t.

I’ve spent the better part of a week trying to get this all down. Trying to digest it and be able to make it understandable for everyone who’s reading it. I don’t have anything to hide from you guys. Every time I’ve sat down to write this, I’ve felt poisoned and had to stop. I want to finish this now.

Somehow she had held hope that I was going to change my mind. That I was going to decide that being without her was too hard but really the longer I go without her in my life the better off I am. I know that now.

With all my heart I tried to be nice about it. But she pleaded and wanted to know why, that’s when I started crying. That’s when I lost it. The tears were tears of sadness and of anger. Here was the woman that I had given everything to and she was acting like I could forgive something so massive. How can I? She even asked me who had changed my mind about getting back together. No one changed my mind, it had always been set and I thought I had made it clear but I guess I was wrong.

The meal didn’t last 20 minutes. She barely touched her food and said she didn’t want to sit there anymore and hear all these bad things about herself.

I have a soft heart and I told her we could remain friends and she asked why I could remain friends but not more. Honestly? There’s less risk with a friend. You don’t want them to ruin their lives but you can only help so much. With a lover, partner or wife, it’s so much different. You feel responsible for that person. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Having that dinner has really torn me up. I haven’t been the same since. Knowing that much now, realizing just how MESSED UP that all was, it tears me up inside and I do my best not to freak out.

I’ll do another entry tomorrow and introduce you to someone new. Come back soon?

Weekend Warrior..

2008-06-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Weekends are where we do most of our living. We go out with friends, take care of errands and sometimes find ourselves helping others that asked for a hand. This weekend was the fourth since I decided to try liberty. It was a mixed bag weekend as things were good, bad and just straight up odd. I’m going to try and get you guys up to date about what’s going on in my life and how I feel about it. It seems like while I originally started this blog to talk about WoW it’s mutated into something completely different. I do hope that those of you that stumbled in at the beginning continue to read these misadventures that I call life.

Friday: Out of all three days that I’m going to talk about this one was the one that reached complete mixed bag feel. The first thing obviously is that I went into work. It was an extremely slow day that made me want to pluck my eyes out with a spoon. What made it worse was that I had a date after work… but it wasn’t my date at all. One of my co-workers met a chap on Match.com a couple weeks earlier and they had spent time emailing back and forth until they decided it was time to meet. But she didn’t want to go out alone, she wanted a shadow. Someone she could call in case she got into some trouble. So I was asked to take on this duty.

There were a couple things that bothered me about this outing. The first and foremost was that my co-worker hadn’t even spoken to this guy on the phone once. So there was no clear way of knowing whether they could hold a complete conversation without email in the way. They were both going in pretty much blind as far as personality. The first thing they were going to do on their first date is go to a movie. So they’d be sitting next to each other for an hour and a half without having had a true first conversation.

My idea for them was to maybe start by meeting for coffee and talking, if that worked then dinner, and then a movie. Give them a chance to get to know each other before being stuck in a dark room side by side with each other.

Obviously that didn’t happen. So I was stuck watching The Love Guru (Horrible movie) with two people that hadn’t ever been near each other. I did touch base with her again today since she felt that the date was going well enough that she didn’t have to have me around as security anymore and she said that words that all men dread, “He was nice, almost too nice.” Words that will put you into the friendship category for life.

So after that was done I jaunted back to my local stomping grounds. The ex wanted to have dinner with me. Yes I realize that I am setting myself up with this one. I understand that I’m putting myself in unnecessary harm by even being near her, let alone listening to what she might have to say. She broke down a couple times. Of course I was there for her, I’m not heartless and I think that’s my problem. She’s asked for my help in some odds and ends type things and I’ll oblige her as much as I can without putting myself at risk.

A couple of things that she told me that I found interesting. You all know I’m a pastor. I’ve never made it a secret, I believe and that’s all there is to it. My style of belief takes the laws of the Bible and shows them to people in a modern setting so that they’re better understood. My friend Travis has even told me he enjoys talking Spirituality with me because I don’t make it sound like anyone’s going to hell if they have the right foundation, and he’s right because it’s what I believe. (I’m not going to go deep into this; I’m just setting up groundwork.) Her family has always been a strong point in her life. She’s always felt that having those ties was incredibly important. Well from what she told me during this dinner, her family has all but turned their back on her. They’ve told her that if she’s not able to keep the marriage together, then she’s going to HELL…

Now look, she’s not perfect, none of us are. Her choices have sucked and yes she has made it to the point where I had to RUN away and hide from her because each and every minute with her made me cry. Do I hate her? Not a bit. I hate the choices that she made. I hate the fact that I came in second in her life to the medications that are slowly killing her. I hate the fact that I wake up some days and I feel like I’m never going to be enough for anyone because of it. You know? With all of that though, even though I’m never going back to the marriage that I left, I want nothing but the best for her. I want her to be healthy. I want her to strive to be better, to heal herself and eventually become someone I can trust in my life again. You know? How can a person’s own family tell them they’re going to hell? I mean, really? How is that helpful in the state of mind that they’re in? So because of all of that, it appears that she’s realized that her family is full of zealots. Personally, it’s not a dynamic I ever want to be involved in.

The other thing that came out is that she understands why it happened. She knows that really, in the scheme of things I did the best I could for as long as I could. Talking it out she was honest and told me that she didn’t think she could have done it for as long as I did. She tried to say that it was sudden but then when I broke it down for her again, showed her how things went and that I gave her a full month to get her life in order before I made the split and nothing changed, that was when I finally gave up and moved on.

It seems that her mother wants to speak with me but honestly, I have nothing left to say to her. I feel like I’ve spent almost ten years listening to someone give me advice that they had no real clue about. It’s still a stigma that is going to take me a long time to get over, if ever.

I ended the day on a high note. After I left the dinner with the ex, I went to a new tattoo parlor. One of the artists and I had been communicating back and forth for the better part of a week to get our schedules together and get a tattoo done. A couple of years ago I got one. It’s a cross, with a halo and wings behind it. It sits on my right upper arm. That one was about faith, belief and love. This second one I received was about something a little different. The first reason I got it was freedom. I wanted something to show the date that I moved on and worked on finding myself again. Its three Kanji symbols and they represent Bushido. Bushido is the word that signifies the Code of the Samurai. It’s something that I’ve always felt that I try to abide by. I put others before me and the like. So that just went on my right upper arm to remind me of the code of my life and of when it was that I decided, I needed to be myself again.

Saturday: Really if I could go back and not do something, I would just skip this whole day. Jen finally got a new place and we picked this as the move date. It worked out schedule wise because we would have the main three people available to do the work at the same time. What we didn’t realize when we made this decision is that it would be the hottest day of the year to date. To put it in perspective, when I checked the thermostat at 9pm, when we were still moving, it clocked in at 107 degrees…

We got off to a late start because Travis needed to go see his grampa so we didn’t start putting together the first batch of things until well after 2 pm. When we go to her old place we realized something immediately, she hadn’t packed. This made it even more difficult. Now if we were just moving her, we could’ve survived but unfortunately that was the case either. We also had to help move her daughter and Jen’s dad. Her dad lived through the great depression which means that he hoarded and became a pack rat afterwards. He had two big dressers, one full of clothes and one full of unknown things like paperwork, gadgets that had died long ago and empty containers of things that had no name. One of his dressers alone weighed a good four hundred pounds.

We moved from 2pm to about 11pm. Several trips, trucks and beers later Jen’s stuff had been moved to her new place of living. I didn’t stay long enough to help her set up anything because honestly, I was exhausted.

The heat never subsided. No matter how late it got during the night, that heat was always there. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. So I went about 30 hours before I was finally able to get a nap…

Sunday: Do I even need to tell you that I spent most of the day vegging? I am actually STILL sore lol. I took a lot of Advil, rubbed my tattoo a lot and slept as much as I could. The weekend was a rollercoaster. It really was. By the time it was all said and done, really all I wanted was to stay in my room and forget about life.

M wanted us to try dating. I’ve told you guys before that I’m not keen on it. After our dinner she felt like it was permission to text me day and night about nothing. Yea, I don’t see that happening. She wants to remain friends but how do you do that exactly in this type of situation?

Man, life’s just odd. I’m moving this week. I’ll see if I can’t post a picture of my tattoo at some point. Be well guys.

Motw

2008-06-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing better than a popcorn movie, this one delievers in that regard. Full of special effects, mindless violence and an almost not there plot, this is a perfect back ground fill.

Enjoy!

Rebuilding.

2008-06-23T16:10:00.001-07:00

The weekend for the most part was a blast. I had a fun time and really overall enjoyed my time with my friends. Friday was mellow. I went to Travis’ house. We drank some beer, ate some hot wings and just watched the day drain away into night and talked about everything and nothing at once. It was short of awesome. Really the only thing that would have made it better is if Travis was a girl.. lol… yea I’m sorry I just like women.

Saturday things got a bit rocky. I had been avoiding talking to my ex. The reason for it is quiet simple. It’s harder to feel free when you’re talking or seeing the person you want to be free of on a regular basis. However I do have a duty to J, who’s been asking for me. So I went to see them. J was happy to see me; the rest of her family was there but didn’t say a word to. Amazing how they ‘accept’ you once you’re with them but the moment that you think things are going south and you want to leave they all turn their backs on you. I expected it.

M wanted to walk around the pond that’s behind the house for a little bit and talk to me. So we did. I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I left my house. I feel like that part of my life had been broken and to wear something from an institution that I currently feel is complete crap would be a straight lie. That was the first thing she noticed.

I want you guys to know that when I left the house I was sure it was permanent. This wasn’t something temporary or something that I was going to rethink, it was what it was. As I was driving into work today I was listening to the local radio station and they were talking about something I could relate to. Rebuilding. People rebuilding their lives at some point in life because of things that have gone on. I’m rebuilding right now, remembering who I am, what I enjoy, what it’s like to not have to worry about the decisions of others that might be life threatening to them or to others.

So I walked and we talked and her speech went something like this to me:

“I know I messed up. I know that I took advantage of you, that I was lazy, that I took you for granted and that you gave me so many chances before you made this choice but now I’m ready. I want you to give me another chance to prove to you that I can be a good spouse and that I can be the woman you need me to be.”

First: let me point out that telling me you KNOW what you did wrong, really doesn’t make me feel like I can trust again. If anything else it brings to the forefront every single thing that I thought during the marriage and proves me right because you’re saying you did it. It put my walls up in a manner so fast that I didn’t know I was doing it. It just happened impulsively

Second: while a part of me would LOVE to believe her and not feel like I’ve had to leave a marriage… I can’t trust her. Why? Because this song has been played for me before and eventually, it goes back to the way it was. It’s something I’m not willing to do, not for anyone, not having learned that lesson the hard way. Would I be daft enough to fall for it again?

I did the only thing I could do, I called Ryan. I broke it down for him and everything that I thought. His thoughts were the same as mine; there was no way to know for sure that the leopard had changed its spots. Honestly it’s been less than a month and she thinks that she can handle it? No, that’s just not right; it doesn’t make sense to me. If anything I would be asking for more time to get my shit together, not begging for the other person to come back.

I’m trying guys. I feel like I’m making the right choices. At the end of the month I’m moving closer to work, which will help with the use of gas and the saving of money. I know that chapter is done… it’s the unknown that I have to face now.

MotW

2008-06-20T10:21:00.001-07:00

"My name is Michael Weston and I've got a Burn Notice."

USA Network has done a good job at finding series that work well during the summer but honestly, this is a show that could make it on Prime Time without an issue. Burn Notice is a witty show that is great to have on as background noise, from the narration to the inclusion of great b movie actors (Bruce Campbell!) there isn't anything in here that a gamer could love

Difficult

2008-06-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

I think there may be some that read this blog that can attest that walking out of a relationship that was in the state mine was in is still incredibly hard. You feel, even if you shouldn’t, that you could have done more. That you are to blame for all the short comings in your partner and in your relationship in general because its human nature to feel flawed. We are built that way, to take the blunt of the errors that are made by us and around us. You look at children of divorce, those that are old enough to know what’s going on, and they blame themselves for the misfortune of their parents. Kids always find a way to blame themselves; they MAKE it their fault if we allow them to.

There’s a reason why I’m writing this but as you all know I always take the long way around when I’m in a mood. I’m at work this morning. Exhausted because yesterday was my late day and then I had to get up early today and come right back in. I’m walking around in a semi conscious state getting the patients checked in, taking money and occasionally throwing out a good funny comment. I end up going to the bathroom and as I’m standing there something dawned on me. I’m pretty sure that my anniversary was this last weekend.

I’m going to let that sink in for a moment.

I’ve been in such a relaxed state the last few weeks after my decision; I’ve come home and been able to spend fun times with my friends. I’ve been able to not worry about what’s going on at home. I’ve been able to go to sleep when I wish. Food is not an issue, I can cook for myself or I can eat out. I don’t have to have four different voices telling me they want something different.

So I’m standing there and this is dawning on me and I kept waiting for that pang, or the tears or the hurt and I got nothing. I have the thought that there was a day in the weekend that meant something to me in the past but now is a distant memory.

You must understand that I’m a romantic. I’ve never forgotten an anniversary. I’ve never forgotten a birthday. I’ve always had things planned that I thought would show my interest, affection, care and love but this year it wasn’t even a memory that crossed my mind. How does that speak to my mind set? How does it speak to my state of mind for that matter? Some might consider that I’m going through a mid life crisis and that I’m trying to recapture my youth but if anything else I’m trying to recapture my adulthood. I’m not afraid of responsibility… as long as the responsibilities are mine and not thrust on me because of situation.

I know I need to go talk to her and I said I was going to the other day but you know what? I decided I didn’t want to. There were other things that I could be doing and did do instead of going in for a guilt trip with tears, screams and recriminations. I chose to live my life instead.

There are some things that you’ll never be able to get around during a break up. Some things that are completely out of your control, the biggest of which is how you’re painted at the end of anything that was long term and is ending in a manner that doesn’t end in one of you dying… that was a joke J.

I’m reminded of Jerry Maguire when it comes to break ups. You know after he’s taken to lunch and fired after people read his manifesto? He’s running back to his office, his ‘buddy’ Sugar strolling casually. Both are calling their assistants and contacting Jerry’s clients, see which side of the split they end up on. Jerry ends up with two clients out of what seems like fifty. He’s crushed and defeated but as he walks out of his office to a silent bullpen full of staffers he says, “I’m not going to do what everyone expects me to do, which is FLIP OUT! I’m just going to ask one thing. One thing. Who’s coming with me?”

That’s what friends go through with a break up. They’re asked in subtle ways which way they’re going to go when things break. I haven’t had to do that. My friends have, gracefully, remained loyal to me the entire time that I’ve been married.

So let’s look at the list:

Jen and Travis – This is a given that they will remain my friends. Out of all of the ones that I have, they’ve been the ones that I have turned to constantly in this last six months and have given a helping hand or ear.

Ryan and Kristin – Ryan is my oldest friend. I’ve watched him grow up and would have been willing to adopt him if push came to shove, that’s how much I love the kid. His wife understands that our friendship goes deep enough that when I needed a place to crash neither hesitated… plus they uninvited her to the wedding…so, natch

Peter and Tanya – Peter is a nurse like M, they met in nursing school so he’s one of her oldest friends. When we first got married he didn’t like me, as time’s gone on though we’ve begun to respect each other. When things were going down hill a couple years ago he asked the tough question for the first time, “Is she a drug addict.” Then he recommended help. I don’t know which way he’ll land. He might land in both camps.

Her Family – Do I really even have to get into it? LOL

My Family – Could thankfully care less what happens to me and never liked M cause she’s white (We’ll talk about it another time.)

You know what’s sad? That’s the extent of the friends that know my wife. Not because I wasn’t willing to take her out but because, well, she just didn’t go out. She’d rather be home. There’s other people that I would consider acquaintances really, they probably don’t care.

Thing is that I’m going to go to each of these people and ask for their allegiance. They’re going to believe what they will. They will know the score when push comes to shove but for the moment? I want to see what they’ll do. People show their true colors when things happen. I’ve become a lot more relaxed, like I used to be. M has become extremely high strung and dependent, MIL has become a raging dragon from which there is no escape, willing to say anything to hurt.

There’s one other thing that I want to broach with you guys.

I have an enormous heart. I’m sure that it’s something you’ll have to take my word for. M doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like she ever will. I don’t want to leave her high and dry with a bunch of bills…. But how much help is okay before its enabling or worse. . Does that make sense? I have to admit that I feel responsibility for her but how much is just responsibility and how much is just being silly and doing too much?

Has anyone gone through this that can maybe shed some light?

Realization

2008-06-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

Me, Travis and Jen

The Dirty Half Dozen (go with me on this) Brandon, Mandy, Tracey, Josh and Tommy

How was your weekend Loyal Reader? Hopefully wherever in the world that you are, you’ve had a good time, enjoyed your life and haven’t put yourself in hock doing it.

So this begins week 3 of this little thing called my life. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you have to go back and read some of my other posts. A recap would take just as long to type up as this post will and I just don’t want to fully relive it, so I hope you understand.

In any event, let me fill you in on what’s going on so that you know how I’m doing. I’m still living at my friend Ryan’s house. I’m waiting for my room to become available at the one place but it seems that Ryan and his wife, Kristin, miscalculated finances and me being there has given them a little more money that they weren’t sure they were going to have. In a sense I’m helping them as they help me, that is a blessing. I usually only show up to sleep and shower, I do eat with them when I get the chance but because Ryan works security and has odd hours, it doesn’t happen often. It’s an interesting dynamic but thankfully we don’t get on each other’s nerves. I may be there another week, to help them but also because that room is still up in the air. (just waiting on the one guy to move out but he’s firmly ENTRENCHED…)

This weekend was a BLAST! You can not even being to know the fun that I had, well wait, you will know cause I’ll tell you! Friday was a mellow night, I went over to a friend’s house because she had just gotten bad news that some of her relatives had gotten into a fatal car wreck and needed some laughs, of course I’m the person to call. We went out had some food and started watching a mini series called, the 10th Kingdom. If you’ve never watched it, it’s out on DVD and very entertaining.

Saturday night I was asked to go Glow Bowling. I don’t know if this happens everywhere but here in Oregon, many of the bowling alleys shut down the lights, turn on some black lights and let you bowl for two hours, non stop for 12 dollars a head. It’s a lot of fun, good music and silly times. We had a pretty big group that night.

Cast of characters:
Brandon – 25 year old guy. Gamer, mainly XBOX 360, seems okay, this is the first time that I’ve met him. I have to admit that he seems a little arrogant but had his good moments.
Josh – 27 year old guy, brother to Brandon, also a gamer. A LOT more mellow, the personality he carries is very much my own, tongue in cheek, catch a joke at the spur of the moment and Pendleton drinker. Excellent guy and someone that I wouldn’t mind hanging with regularly.
Mandy – 20 year old girl, sister to Josh and Brandon. Tiny little thing full of piss and vinegar. I would not want to cross her on a bad day. Seems to have a nice heart and a good idea of where she wants her life to go. Second most outgoing of the three siblings.
Tommy – 22, dude. Mandy’s boyfriend. This Mo-hawked guy has some ties to some not so nice people in Oregon but he struck me as genuine and I liked that about him. He drives a beat up Supra that will blow its seals if it goes past 110. (heh)
Tracey – 35, lady. I met her a week or so prior and we decided to hang out. Very nice person, funny and feisty. She’s a person you want on your side, and one you’d regret to have against you.
Travis – I’m sure you’ve heard about him.
Jen – You’ve heard about her.
Me – Duh.

So we met at Brandon and Josh’s house and headed over to the bowling alley from there. Now you have to know by now that I enjoy having fun. To me having fun is just as much watching a movie as it is going out to have drinks. Tracey hadn’t been out in a while so we got some pints of alcohol, Skyy Vodka and Pendleton. I figured, shots for everyone who wanted it and we wouldn’t spend much at the bowling alley.
Jen and Travis are always fun, especially when they’ve got some drinks in them. What I didn’t know was that Tracey was also that way LOL.
We were there until 1am. Had a blast, we took several pictures of the event, simply because it was that fun lol.

On Sunday I went to a Softball double header. Travis is part of a beer league and we decided to give him his own little cheering section. Oregon’s finally getting sun in for the summer so we had the ability to enjoy the nice weather and watch the game. I got a little darker since I don’t burn and it looks good.

The fun that was had wasn’t because we were blitzed, at least I wasn’t. It was because we were with friends and honestly, family, that’s what friends up becoming if you give them the chance. I didn’t stare at my computer screen for hours on end, I enjoyed the time given to me and my friends to the hilt.

I’ve taken a step back from playing so much, the majority of why is because I have a social life now. Something that I haven’t had in a long time. It’s rejuvenating and refreshing.

I will say this though. I didn’t go over to M’s house once this weekend, I didn’t even think about it. I won’t say that it’s not still a fresh wound but it is one that’s scabbing over if I don’t sit there and pick at it. I’m not heartless, not in the slightest. Seriously though, not having to worry about stupid non sense and what’s going to happen tomorrow is enlightening. I did get a call from M this morning. She was in tears and asked why I hadn’t come over during the weekend. I explained to her that I had other things to do and really hadn’t dwelled on it.

At the moment she’s trying to convince me to give her another chance. Now she believes that if we move out of her mom’s house and have our own place that it will solve the problems that are currently plaguing us. She feels that she’s seen the error of her ways and that I should give it another go.

I don’t see myself doing that. You have to understand, for those of you thinking I’m evil, that making the move that I did, it really, it really took a long time for me to do. It’s not something that I decided overnight or something that I came to lightly. It’s about my sanity. I don’t care who you are there’s only SO much you can take at any given time and I went well beyond it. The fact that I had to leave for her to get the message to me, it’s heartbreaking. I have to be away from her to understand just how messed up the situation is. Add to that the fact that I’d be going back without knowing for SURE what was going to happen with her. There would always be that gnawing in the back of my head that I didn’t know everything, that everything could crumble again at the drop of a hat… then what would I do? I don’t know that I’d have the courage to pull this off again and I know that while my friends love me and respect all my decisions, I would be doing the same thing I complain about. I would be someone who’s enabling, someone who sees all the angles but doesn’t have the nuts to play one.
I don’t see her in the big picture at the moment. I’m sure that time has passed. I will mourn the relationship, who doesn’t. I can’t go back though. That’s just me. As always you’re willing to give me your opinion. You guys, the readers, you guys inspire me as you continue to read this blog even though it’s gone well past what it used to and I appreciate all the input I get, because I know that there’s different ways to handle things, people view life differently. You need that to make an educated decision. Thank you all.

MOTW

2008-06-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I did one of these for you guys.

If you've never seen this movie and love the gangster feel of Chicago in the 20s, then you're missing out. Hanks gives a great role and there's some great character moments in the movie. The violence is intense but justified.

A great movie to have in the background for ANY game but highly recommended if you're playing a game like GTA or a RPG.

Week 2

2008-06-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

There’s little that I dislike more than lies. I’ve had a run in with a few in my life that have been complete whoppers. I’ve told some in the past that could reflect badly on me now if they came back to haunt me honestly. But I try to walk in a way that allows me to not have to sit and lie constantly. Yes I admit that I’ve lied for my wife when the time came but it’s something I just don’t like.

All that being said I went to get some more things from my wife’s place this last weekend. At the moment I’m staying with my friend Ryan and while I’m not staying there permanently, I still needed more clothes and the like. I’ll tell you that going in to see her was like pulling teeth. I didn’t like being there for one. It felt alien to me, like I was crossing some threshold that I shouldn’t have dared step over. I also felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Her family hasn’t had very many nice things to say about me since I left while I’ve tried to keep my nose clean of the mud slinging. The word ‘Mooch’ came up but I don’t know if they realize what that word means. To me, a mooch is someone who takes without offering anything in return. Living off your good graces until you have none of those graces left and then you’re forced to exile them to some remote island where they eat mooch brains. I’ve been nothing but a provider to these people but still I’m defaced and defiled. It doesn’t leave me for wanting to be in their presence anymore.

I went to her house at a moment when I knew that she would be the only one there with the J, the three year old. When I walked in I gave her a hug and gave him a ride on my shoulders, it was nice to be able to interact with him again. Then two things happened with her alone that truly irked me.

1) Ryan’s wedding was two weeks ago. I was invited and so was M but because of the condition she was in and the choice that I was soon going to be making the decision was made by Ryan and his wife Kristin to un-invite M. Now this is something that they told me exclusively, they wanted me there for their big day but they wanted me to be happy, something that they knew wouldn’t happen if I let her tag along with me. I never told anyone this. I never breathed a word of it and just told them all that I decided to go on my own. The about a week ago M told me that her sister T got a call from Ryan telling her that M wasn’t invited to the wedding and that he was calling to let her know. Thing is, Ryan doesn’t have T’s cell phone number. More over, he wouldn’t want to stir that pot knowing that things weren’t going well. So I called her on that and it silenced her. Sunday though she tried to spin a yarn about how Kristin, Ryan’s wife had emailed her and told her she was invited to the wedding. Guys, I’m very open. I don’t deal with lies and secrets. I will confront the people I know with information I learn that I’m not okay with because I refuse to be complacent anymore when it comes to things that I don’t like. After a couple of minutes of pointed questions she conceded that it was a straight lie.

2) The other thing that happened was this. When we first got married I still had friends in Florida. One of them was someone I had known for a long time named Gaby. Gaby was like my sister. She was about eight years older than me and had my quirky sense of humor. We knew when we met that we’d never be anything more than friends but relished our time together. It was fun. I would write her once a month about my exploits and then she would respond. When M and I decided to become and item I wrote Gaby a four page letter about it, talking about our history, how I felt about her and everything else. I never mailed it. Not because I didn’t want to but because the letter I had sent the month before had never gotten a response, so I was waiting for a response before I sent another letter on to her. Now from the way that M tells the story, she was packing some of my books (Even though none are currently packed) and the letter slipped out of one of them. She read it, misinterpreted the thing and then said that I never loved her. When I read it to her OUT LOUD and in the manner it was written, she realized her error.

That’s two things that just really set me off. If you’re trying to fix anything, why would you confront me with a misinterpretation on your part AND a lie? Really that doesn’t say much for her or how she thinks of me in my opinion.

Not long after that her sister and mother showed up. Now I’m going to admit a moment of complete weakness on my part earlier in the week, you can berate me if you wish but I’ve learned my lesson. She called me on Saturday night. She was more coherent and upset. We talked for a bit and she told me about their money woes. They hadn’t been able to make the mortgage payment for the month and were trying to make ends meet. I’m a sap and I have a big heart. I offered to help. I offered to move in for the rest of the month and use the money that was supposed to go for my rent to help them. In that way they wouldn’t feel so much of the pinch. She was happy, I was reserved and then I heard how they (her family) didn’t want me to move back in because I was a mooch… yea that went over like a ton of bricks.

As you can tell this is all incredibly new to me. I feel naïve and stupid at times. My friends have backed me up and are willing to continue to help me, for that I’m eternally grateful.

I know this. I know that I’m soured to marriage at this point. I feel like all I’ve done for the recent past is give and get back less than cipher and I don’t like that, not one bit. I know that it will take me a long time of licking my wounds to trust again, if ever. Don’t mention the word love around me, not if you value me as a person or a friend. I don’t buy it, not now.

I think this is one of the steps of grief, man do I hate it.

A Few Days In

2008-06-04T14:47:00.000-07:00

If you had told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I’d call you a liar. It’s hard for to make changes in my life. I’m a very laid back person and I feel like, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It’s the mentality I’ve always had and sometimes it serves me well, other times… not so much. The complete direness of the situation that I was in recently was the only reason I squeezed myself out of it. Had it not been taking such a drastic turn in the short life of the relationship (Let’s be honest 6 years is not long at all) I would still be there trying to fight the good fight.

As it stands, I felt like General Custard or the guys in the Alamo. Not a good sign.

So now, we’re looking back at the first few days after the decision that will basically alter my life. There’s no way around it, straight up this is a life change.

I know two things for certain about me and as always I’m going to share it with you. I don’t handle stress well. In that sense I have to thank my mother and the women in my life for that. Seems it runs in the family. Now this doesn’t mean that I have little panic attacks or anything.

The first thing is my sleep cycle. I either tend to sleep more or not at all, which leads to very huge amounts of issues. I’m not comfortable no matter how I sleep or where I sleep, it just won’t come because I’m just so stressed.

The second thing is that I begin to pay many visits to the Porcelain God, not to throw up but to sit… you get it. Non-stop, all day, several days, NOTHING will fix it, cause it’s nerves. It’s the worst feeling in the world and it handicaps my ability to do anything. I can’t begin to tell you how helpless I feel when it happens.

With the size of the change that I just accomplished I expected to not sleep for days and just sit on the throne while I pray for slumber. I thought it would be so bad that I would have no choice but to go back, tail between legs and just take it.

Guys, neither of these things has happened to me. The first night I slept bad but it was because I had forgotten to bring my alarm clock with me and I kept waking up thinking I overslept. Since then, I sleep well, my stomach isn’t in knots and I’m not berating myself because I’ve done something unforgivable. I actually feel like I can accomplish anything right now.

That being said the only fear I still harbor, the thought of being alone. For now, I WANT to be alone. The last thing I need is another set of problems, but somewhere down the line I’m going to get that itch again and I wonder, I wonder if I’m damaged goods now and won’t be given the time of day.

Still, a thought for another day. Right now even though I’ve got cloudy skies outside my window at work, the future looks bright indeed.

Free Falling

2008-06-02T12:20:00.001-07:00

Been a while hasn’t it? I know I promised to slow down on the personal stuff but I think you guys still deserve to know what’s going on with me especially since you’ve devoted time and attention to one guy’s life.

Yesterday I went ahead and moved out. I have to tell you that it wasn’t pretty, at all. The strange thing is that when I say it wasn’t pretty, it mainly had to deal with the MIL more than my wife. Can you imagine that? I’d spent the better part of two weeks explaining everything to my wife, breaking it down for her in a manner that I thought she would understand and in a mere ten minutes, the MIL went ahead and blew all that work out of the water by doing exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I don’t feel that I handled the last month the best way possible but it was the only way that I knew how to deal. I would go to work and then some friend’s house until about 9 to 10 and then head home. My logic was that I wouldn’t have to see my wife in that state and that I would not interfere as much in their life, knowing that I was leaving. Seems like I played it wrong because when the MIL started up on me the first thing she told me was that I was using them. That my behavior in the last month had been rude and disrespectful. (Side note: I had talked to her about a week earlier and apologized for the vanishing act. I had explained what was going through my head, I had told her how I felt and still, she didn’t get it.)

Even as I left the house and my wife KNEW, I mean she KNEW what my issue was; the MIL didn’t get it and still looked at me like a failure and a fraud.

I paid the month’s bills and left my wife some money for the month. It seems that that’s still a responsibility though I have to admit, I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to do that for. I mean honestly, she doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon and her mother’s looking at me like I’m a loser because of it.

Part of me wants to say that I would come back if she got all cleaned up but I don’t know that I would be able to share a roof with the MIL any longer after the words that we had yesterday.

So, your Shaman is currently spending some time with his best friend, who’s back from his honeymoon, until the room that I was promised is free and clear. I think the only concern that I currently have is that the MIL has threatened to toss all my stuff into the street on Thursday if I don’t pick it up by Wed…. where I’ll store that stuff until Sunday, I have no clue.

Miscellany

2008-05-21T13:43:00.001-07:00

The lag in game right now is palpable. Many of the people that I see on a regular basis in game have switched from playing their mains all the time to goofing off with alts, twinks and random acts of silliness as they kill time for the expansion to come out (My guess is going to be in Christmas). I believe the affliction is called ‘alt-itis’ to an extent but it’s more than that. It’s fear of terminal boredom.

Fear that you’re going to get bored with one of the games you have a huge affinity with. This has been the only MMORPG that I’ve ever played. Sure there’s been the lure of other shiny games out there but this is the one that I could relate to. I think mainly it was because it was set in a fantasy world that took much of its history from days of yore. I’ve always been a sucker for knights, dragons and wizards. I also know myself, I wouldn’t be able to split time between games fairly well and I’m not inclined to spend thirty bucks a month on games that I don’t play regularly.

So instead I’ve gone ahead and built another alt. While Lubrona has successfully hit 42, he’s going to sit there a while. Yes I mean to level him but the way things are going it appears that I’m going to have much time to get him to seventy and the leveling has increased exponentially. If you remember when I started Lubrona I told you that the two classes that I loathe the most in PVP are Warlock and Rogues.

Meet Lusneak (Yes, original I know.) Female Night Elf Rogue. Level 17 currently and running between Darkshore and Westfall. I know some players that love their rogues and I can say that when I’m only level 17 and get 150 point crits, I think the toon is OP.. of course this was before I was told that their damage output was decreased recently. Well if that’s the case I think I’ve picked the wrong classes to play.

Lubacca and Luciel

I’m still with Divine Forsaken; we’re running Kara, though due to my schedule on Tuesday I don’t usually run with them. I did run it this last week on Lubacca and my T4 gloves dropped, my first non ‘welfare’ epic. I still need to get a Meta gem for my helm but it’s on the back burner as I’m not playing him as often currently.

I think I told you that Luciel, my shaman, finally has two epics of his own. I went ahead and got him the Gladiator maces from PVP. So he’s doing some decent damage and now I just need to upgrade his armor. One of my guildies officially called me a PVP whore the other day because it seems that it’s where I spend most of my time when I’m on my 70s. Trust me it’s not from desire. I only hit AV. While I would love the Challenger name sake I know that it’s easier said that done.

The Isle hasn’t really called my attention since it was released but it seems that the honor grind there is exceptionally fast and I might have to break down and work on that with Lubacca. I want the Alchemist recipe so my time might be broken between Lusneak and Lubacca for a while. It helps that plenty of guildies have been using Herb Gatherer, now I know where most of the good stuff is.

Asshats

The downfall of a lag period, at least to me, is that there’s more asshats that seem to come out of the woodwork. There’s a couple on my realm that I wish I could banish to an asshat server never to be seen or heard from again. They bring up utterly retarded things in Trade and manage to pick a fight with any living person around simply because they want to.

One of the asshats that always seems to be on, night or day, is a mage that goes by the name Happypants (I shit you not.) This guys is the self proclaimed best mage on our server. His attitude is juvenile to say the least and his arrogance knows no bounds. He’s been kicked from several guilds and finally made his own, Minions of Happypants. Yes I’m serious.

I had the misfortune of running some EotS games with him during the EotS weekend and he proclaimed that the only reason why we were winning was due to his expertise. Even went as far as saying that I was the worst Shaman in our server. The guy just has a ego that won’t quit. I wish guys like this and the lackeys that they somehow acquire would just go and find a hole to live in.

What about you guys? The lag has to be hitting you to, what are you doing about it in game?

MotW

2008-05-16T14:15:00.001-07:00

"Throw me the Idol and I'll throw you the whip"

One of the classics of all time has finally been re-released on DVD. Raiders really made an impact on the American mind-set and left Harrison Ford to become a franchise star AND action movie man.

Fact: In the Market scene where a huge man begins to display his prowess with a sword and Indy just shoots him, it was not originally scripted to happen that way. However, Harrison was sick with the flu and didn't want to go through the trouble of the fight, so he just shot him and they kept it in the movie.

And there shall come a reckoning (100th post)

2008-05-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better in the world than knowing what you’re going to do tomorrow.

So at the end of the month I’m moving out. It’s official. During this weekend I’ve had several heart to heart’s with members of the family. The problem with a situation like the one that I’m in is that everyone hears what they want to hear. It’s the bane of existence as far as I’m concerned. If we actually listened and heard what was intended I don’t think so many communication problems would arise.

My Wife, M, has been more lucid recently. The reason for it is that is because last Friday morning I found out that she had already taken her month’s worth of meds in the short order of two weeks. After that she called me at work and asked me to steal a script for her from my office so she could have more meds…do I even have to tell you that it would never happen? I know I didn’t.

So during the weekend, because she hasn’t taken as many meds, she’s been better. She’s asked questions about the future and what I’m thinking. She knew that there was an issue between us; I’m not cold hearted guys. I am still trying to help her, I still console her when she’s crying and take care of her, but honestly I’ve really already decided my course of action. It’s the certainty that next month will bring more of the same that brings me to the conclusion.

I finally managed to sit and talk to the MIL. I told her how I felt. Moreover I laid out the entire family dynamic for her in a fashion that would show that I wasn’t being selfish or looking for the perfect woman. I am doing it because I am honestly tired of being an enabler. Make no mistake friends, looking at the last several years I know in my heart that it is EXACTLY what I am. I have watched her continually do this to herself and have allowed it to happen. Yes I have argued and spoken to her about it but ultimately I have left the decision to her.

Think about the family dynamic. There’s me, I work extremely hard and until recently I was what many could consider a complete shut in. Yes I play WOW and collect comics but that was as far as my vices went. The MIL is at work full time, comes home to eat and then goes upstairs to do homework, so really she’s never there. T, the fifteen year old, is home schooled. So that means that she’s home during the day to take care of M when she goes into a ‘relapse’ and then when I come home she looks to me for guidance. M is usually comatose and J the three year old is being raised by myself and T for the most part.

You look at that dynamic and tell me that it’s healthy and I’ll call you a liar. There’s no growth involved as a person in any of those situations. How are we growing if we’re in damage control mode all the time? How is there growth where there isn’t any intra personal communication going on? There isn’t.

That’s the rub of it folks and when I laid it out there for the MIL like that, well she finally got with the program! Imagine that! We’ve had three interventions for M in the past year and a half. Each time she was given an ultimatum and each time she agreed ONLY to go back on her word within a matter of time.

Yea, it’s time for a change. I’ve explained it, just like I’ve explained it to you to all parties involved and they finally get it. I’ve already spoken with a friend and he’s willing to let me be his roommate, which will help with expenses for me. Plus I’ll have a bud with me most times than not and I won’t feel like an outcast.

I’ve started playing WOW again now that I feel like I know where I’m going and why. I find it fun again, so happy about that. I’m working on getting my Shaman up to something close to looking like he’s loved. My druid continues to be my main and I’m going to make him make me some money here soon!

So, there’s the crisis at the moment. M wants me to keep the door open to the future but I don’t know that she can kick the habit and I’m unwilling to be put in this situation again. I need to feel like I’m accomplishing something and right now, with where I am, that’s not happening.

Guys, I thank you for the time and patience you’ve shown me. You’ve sent some great emails that have given me the ability to struggle forward and advice that I’ve taken to heart. (I’m looking at you Dax, I spoke with the church, they understand and agree). From here on out, while I may still give updates, I’ll begin to focus on WOW some more. Be ready. The Shaman is in office.

Welcome back to the Carnival

2008-05-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

To show you that no good deed goes unpunished…

I already told you that my MIL went and told my wife. It was an unresolved issue that I was struggling with. How do you go to someone and tell them that they’ve betrayed your trust, not once but twice.

I went home yesterday, its hockey season…and I love hockey. The Conference Finals started yesterday, Wings v. Stars. I turned it on to watch the last 20 minutes of the game. My wife was fast asleep on the couch, an image I’m all too familiar with. Her mom was home and this is the conversation we had:

“What do you think we should do? Do you think we should take her in?” Her

“Honestly, I have no clue.” Me

She went upstairs and got dressed and came back down and started to put her shoes on.

“You’re taking her in?” Me

“Well, you obviously don’t care!” Her

“What do you want me to say?”

“What do I want you to say? I want you to say, this is my wife, I’ll take care of her. This is my wife, let me take her in. This is my wife and she’s my responsibility. If you don’t want to be part of this family, grab your stuff and get out!”

“You have no idea what I do for her. You don’t know that at night I’m the only one that covers her up so she’s not cold. You don’t know that I’m the one that puts her legs on the bed so that she doesn’t wake up sore. Take her to the bathroom, get her water, you don’t know any of that so don’t tell me that I do nothing for her or that I don’t care about her.

“You want me to tell you to take her to the hospital or do it myself but I don’t know what the hospital is going to do. Give her more meds?” Me

“They’ll do a spinal tap and help her.” Her

“They won’t. She’s got medication on board to help with that and if they don’t feel that it’s an issue they won’t do it. So they’ll just give her meds, send her home and send me the bill.”

This whole time my wife in on the couch in and out of lucidity like a character from that movie Blow.

We decided to give it another day. Hope that she got better.

When I woke up today they were mad at each other. Her mother has been holding her narcotics for the month but it appears that even that hasn’t helped. She got her narcs filled on the 24th of last month, she only has five days left. So if you do the math, today is the NINTH. So she has until the 14th and then she’s out… she’s overtaken 10 days worth of meds.

But they are still telling me it’s not an issue and that she’s genuinely sick…

In the Cold

2008-05-08T11:08:00.001-07:00

Things don’t always work out the way that you want them to. I’ll tell you from personal experience. I left my house when I was 14 because I couldn’t handle the type of life that my mom was living and I couldn’t handle the stress of the family I have. I’m not a loner, I can’t say that I’ve ever been one really, I enjoy the company of others and I’m always willing to help friends at the drop of a hat.

Still, it seems that even the best laid plans go to pot eventually. In my current situation I can’t say that I’m laying the best plans or any plans at all really but anything that I had been thinking about really has been put into question.

After my conversation with the MIL (Mother in Law), I didn’t do anything else. Why, you ask? Well simply put, while I’m not thrilled with the situation and it’s currently giving me gray hair, I wanted to wait to see if the Missuss would wake long enough for me to have a serious conversation with her to see if she would understand where I was coming from and why I was making the decisions that I was making. We’ve shared a lot together and she’s my best friend. I can’t imagine leaving her a “Dear John” letter for her to find and try to pick up the pieces with.

Yesterday she woke up for a little bit while I was getting ready for work. She retold me some stories that she had already told me earlier in the week and rehashed the same sentiments she had at that time. I listened and answered in the right places and everything else.

Her; “It feels like we’re not connected anymore.”

Me: “Well babe, we’re really not and we haven’t been in some time.”

She got quiet for a second and just watched me.

“I’m thinking about leaving.”

“I know, my mom told me last night when we were at the doctor’s office.”

Nothing hurts like a sack of bricks than hearing that one of the most intimate and important decisions in a relationship has already been discussed by someone else. Wouldn’t really bother me that they did talk about it but really, I hadn’t even talked to my wife yet and she had to hear it third party first. That’s not right or is it fair to her.

Tension at home I expected but what I find amusing is that the tension isn’t with my wife, it’s with her mother. I feel more and more like I made a mistake by being involved in a relationship where the mother is such an integral part of the relationship. I feel like I’ve failed at life currently. I’ve been led around the nose like a dog and I’ve got nothing to show for it expect emotional baggage.

How in the hell am I supposed to come home everyday knowing that there’s that one person that has betrayed my trust twice in as many days? I don’t even feel like I can be around the three year old for fear that I’ll do something wrong.
Some days… some days it’s harder to wake up than others

That could have gone better

2008-05-06T12:50:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I told you about the decision that I came to, that I felt that I needed some space and I got the two reactions that I expected to get. Left field and right field, kind of like what I’m feeling right now.

I love Dax, he’s very honest and open and went right to the root of it, God and my son. Oddly enough those are the two things that I worry about myself. Can I even tell you that this whole situation to me is something that I prayed and hoped I would never have to deal with? Can I tell you that for as long as I can remember I always thought that divorce or separation was never the answer? Sometimes we can be naïve though can’t we?

The way our home life is built has three adults, a teenager and J, the three year old. There is always someone home for him, period. Mostly it’s two people with M being one and being passed out. So it’ll be me and M, or M and her mom, or M and her sister, with J always in tow. He is the jewel of everyone’s eye. He’s a awesome human being and a spunky little kid.

After I wrote up my little thing on here I got a call from my MIL that she felt that my wife needed to go back into the ER again. She was still mostly asleep, she was having difficulty with her balance and her mother was finally worried. She’s been this way for three weeks at this point.

So I’m on the phone with her mother. I’m listening and I’m talking and I realize that I really just need to say my piece and that I need to tell her what’s on my mind:
“Listen. I just, I need to tell you. I woke up this morning and I felt like I needed to make a choice and I feel like I need to get away.”

“You mean like leave?”

“Yea. You know just-“

“Then go. Leave.”

“Well that’s just it. I’m just wondering. I mean, I’m at peace with the decision and I’ve always felt that if a decision was wrong God would point that out, it wouldn’t sit right. If I’m at peace with it, what does that say, have we made the wrong choices with M?”
“You know, I don’t know. I know that the devil can make you feel peaceful and make it feel like its right even when it’s not.”

“I know but, it doesn’t feel like a spiritual conflict. It doesn’t feel like two sides, it just feels peaceful.”

“Well if you feel like you need to leave, then go. No one can stop you. God wouldn’t have loved Jesus any less if He hadn’t gone to the cross. But I’ll tell you this right now, I will fight you tooth and nail for J.”

(Keep in mind that I’m talking to my Mother in Law)

“Excuse me?”

“You made that boy sit and watch a hockey game with you for two hours on Saturday. That’s abuse.”

“What?”

“That’s abuse. Having a child sit still for two hours is abuse.”

“Hold it, back up. You realize that this has spun out like this and it didn’t come from me right? I was just talking, I needed a sounding board. You tell me you’re the Sheppard and that we should come to you. I’m coming to you and this is all that you have for me? Allegations? Really?”

“If you need to go, go. Not everyone is strong. You won’t be part of our ministry.”

“So what will I be?”

“That’s up to you. You wouldn’t be part of our ministry anymore.”

“You know. I always thought that I could come to you and talk to you like a friend and like a mom and a Sheppard but after this conversation I don’t know that I’ll ever really be able to trust you that way again.”

“Fine.”
Click!

That my friends, is a conversation that I’m going to have etched into my mind for the rest of my life and I wish it wasn’t. Why do you ask? Because really, for all intents and purposes for the last ten years, this has been my family. I don’t speak to my own family because of the mind games that they play. Now I’m staring down the barrel of something eerily similar happening here. So now I question myself and my ability to communicate with others.

Really should this be happening?

It appear that the well being of my child is in question when I come near him since I abuse him so badly.

I realize that my life is my own but that I have to answer for my actions in the long run. That there’s Someone up above that’s watching my decisions and seeing if I lead people astray and if I bring them closer to Him. This, however, this is something that I’m just looking at in complete disbelief.

People are flawed. God’s people even more so. He calls the flawed to Him. I know this for I am flawed like no one else but I can’t really sit here and rethink what I felt yesterday morning after a conversation like that. I really can’t.

When is it enough?

2008-05-05T13:25:00.001-07:00

When is it enough?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself about the situation that I currently sit in. I’m sure that many of you can’t understand what I’m going through; I hope that for your sanity you never have to find out what it feels like to be me (Tom Petty). The crisis at hand isn’t one of faith, though that plays a hand, it’s one of self. Am I being true to myself? Am I being the type of person that in the long run will look back at my life and say, “I was happy.”

How am I? How are things?

Since I last went ahead and posted I will tell you that not much has changed. My day is the same, every day. I go to work, I put up a good front, I don’t want people to know how much I suffer. It’s one thing to put this on the internet where strangers and friends from afar can see my situation and comment on it. I can take that, I can’t take the look. You know the one, the one that you give friends going through a divorce, a death or a job loss. The look of pity and sadness that makes me want to cringe into a corner and pray to God that I’m never seen again.

After that I head home. Usually I buy dinner on the way home. I get home to my wife, my mother in law, my sister in law and my three year old. I buy them all food. I set up a dinner tray for my wife and watch as she takes two or three bites of whatever I bring home and dozes off doing it. Then after she realizes that she can’t eat, she asks for a bowl of cereal with milk which 9 times out of 10 ends up on her or the floor. My carpet will soon be rancid with the smell of spilled milk. I help put our three year old to bed and then take my wife upstairs, where she gets her last dose of meds for the night and put her to bed. This is at roughly 7:30pm in the evening. I am then confined to my bedroom because she might choke or cause a mess and I must make sure that I’m available to help. She doesn’t wake up again until about 4am when she wants to talk, or have me walk her to the bathroom, gets another does of medication and falls asleep again. I wake up at 6am, go through my morning routine and go back to work to do it all over again.

Yesterday I went to Blockbuster to return some movies and went to Best Buy to ogle all the new toys. I called after an hour to see if anyone wanted me to bring home dinner and the first thing I get from my MIL is that Mary has been calling me for an hour and that I haven’t responded. I tell her that’s not the case and even though I’m not lying I’m treated as if I am. Until Mary reads back the number she’s been dialing….her mother’s cell phone number.

She spilled bowls of cereal on herself twice this weekend.

So last night, after another midnight bathroom break I came to the conclusion that I can’t live like this. I’ve tried, how I’ve tried. But seriously I’m constantly sick. I’m in the bathroom all the time right now because my nerves are just shot. I don’t have an appetite, I don’t enjoy any of the things that I used to have fun doing. It’s not helping me, it’s making it worse.

I woke up today with a game plan. I have a friend, R, who I’ve known for years. Almost ten in fact. During that time he’s seen a lot of highs and lows for me just like I’ve seen for him. He’s getting married at the end of this month but he’s been through this marriage with me and has seen some of the worst that it has to offer. In the past he’s offered to let me stay at his place when things had been at their worst. I wish I would have listened to him then. I wish I would have taken his advice.

Instead I’m coming to him this time and asking for help with a place to stay for a couple of weeks. I feel like a separation is what’s needed right now. I feel at PEACE with this idea actually.

I am a firm believer in the fact that if you are making the wrong move, you’ll know it. You’ll feel it in your soul, heart and mind. When I finally made this decision it was the first peace I had felt in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what this means for my marriage, I don’t know what it means for my future but it means that I’m finally taking the proper steps. Maybe this will get her out of her funk. Maybe it will help me make an overall decision.

I’m not a happy person right now. I look in the mirror and don’t know who I am. I go to bed at night and all I wish is that I wouldn’t have to wake up again.

It’s not how I want to live my life….

When the thrill of writing is gone.

2008-04-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve sat at my desk the past few days wanting to write. I mean seriously sit down and just write something. Be it a story or maybe even a blog entry to just ease my mind, take me away from whatever it is that is going on currently.

I can’t.

Moreover, writing this is like pulling teeth, where earlier in the year I was POSITIVE I was going to have a productive writing year I am currently sitting here wondering if I’ll ever want to write again or have anything proactive to say. I don’t know. I know that there are people who still read this blog and I will up date it as much as possible with my life as I can. I know there’s people out there that are concerned over this stranger they’ve never met and I intend to be good enough to let them know how I’m doing.

However, I don’t know that the days of my rambling entries will ever come back. At one point I thought it was the dreaded Expansion Malaise that seems to strike us before a new update is supposed to come but the longer it goes the less it feels so. Instead it’s gone ahead and seeped into my bones and makes it so that when I sit in front of a keyboard is feel my stomach turn in knots.

I can’t say when this feeling will go away, or if ever. I will update you on my life, I will put up my MotW because it tickles me but for now, the shaman is going into hibernation for a bit. WoW is always going to be there and I’ll be around on the realms from time to time but right now, I have no light to give. I have no hope to consider. I can only wish you all best and pray that your lives go as intended and that you’re strong enough to ask for help if and when the time comes.

Be seeing you

Update

2008-04-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

I know I'm verbose. I sat down this morning and started writing an update but honestly it felt contrived and fake and I owe you guys more than that. I owe MYSELF more than that. So I'm going to wing it.

She was in the hospital for about a week and a half. They gave her three different diagnoses and none of them stuck.

Meningitis
Hemophalegic Migraines
Excessive Brain Fluid

She got lots of meds during her time there.

She came home on Wed of last week, slept all of Thursday, literally.

She's had termors the entire time she's been home and her mental capacity is no where near where it's been in the past. She knows it, I see it, it's driving both of us insane. It's like she's been regressed to a 13 year old mentally and she knows it.

I had to take her back in yesterday because of the tremors. They pumped her full of meds again and sent her home.

Right now all I can say is that I'm trying and I feel like not only am I failing but I"m losing my grasp on whether I give a shit or not.

I went out on Friday to de-stress and her mother pulled me aside and asked me if I was 'doing it for God'. If my decision to go out was because I was doing something for God or because I was running away.

Do I need to tell you just how ANGRY that made me?

I'm trying

MoTW

2008-04-25T08:57:00.001-07:00

"Let's get to work."

Probably not the update you were hoping for....

This is one of the other series that keeps me going. Angel was the only spin off from the Buffy series but it was equally good in its own right. While Buffy was funny and usually light, Angel took a much darker turn and the ending of the series was incredibly dark.

An awesome series

Hits keep coming

2008-04-10T09:05:00.001-07:00

I know I was trying to get back on track a couple of days ago with my post on life after 2.4, the problem is that life finds a way to get IN the way of what you want to do.

I haven’t slept; it’s not for lack of trying.

It started last night when I was on my way home from work. I called my wife to find out what she wanted to do for dinner. It’s my usual MO because while we’ve been married for years and she can cook, she usually doesn’t and I end up bringing something home. Her speech was slurred and she was having a hard time putting things together. That’s never a good sign. Still I gave the benefit of the doubt; I was hoping that it was just the audio that was an issue.

Got dinner, headed home and opened the door. The look I got from my wife was one of rage and hatred.

“I’m home.”
“Hi.” Her.
“How is everyone?” (I refer to her sister and the three year old in our care)
“Fine.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because you left without saying goodbye and were gone so long.”
“You mean this morning? Cause I gave you a hug-“
“I’m not talking about this morning.”

Note: This is the first time I’ve been home all day, I just got off of work.

“Then what are you talking about?”
“When you went to get dinner you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I just got home.”
“Yes but before that you came home and didn’t say goodbye before you left.”

The conversation circled after that. Other highlights of the night:

“If you see the turtle in the bathroom tell him it’s okay to come with you.”
“No the outside goes in.”
“When are we going to eat dinner?” (After she ate dinner and had a bowl of cereal.)

I finally managed to get her upstairs to go to bed, she sneaks away to the bathroom, comes back with her dreaded bowl of cereal, loses her footing and ends up dumping half her milk on my side of the bed, then blames me for it.

Her breathing is fast, she’s non coherent again. I talk to her mom, she doesn’t think it’s the meds this time. How do we know that for sure? Well we don’t, we’re going off of hunches at this point right? I finally just ask the wife if she wants to go in, she says yes.

Now the part of me that’s fed up with this just says, dial 911, get them to come get her themselves and she can handle it once she gets there. Her mom thinks differently. Feels that the coming and going of paramedics and stuff will freak out her kid sister and the 3 year old, so instead she instructs me to take her in.

It is currently 9:30. I usually go to bed by 11 simply because, well I get up at about 6 and that would give me enough sleep to be able to make it through the day without being a total ass. It’s a half hour drive to the hospital. Roundtrip would be an hour. Plus her mom instructs me to wait until she sees the nurse before leaving the hospital because they need to know she’s in an altered state. Fine.

I haul ass out to the hospital, I’m pretty upset at this point, all kinds of thoughts are running through my head, most of which is…why do I keep doing this? She falls asleep in the car, which she had complained she couldn’t do at home, that’s fine. I crank up the rock and keep driving. I get to the hospital and she perks up:

“Why are we at the hospital?”
“You said you wanted to go in.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, yes you did. You said it in front of your mom.”
“I’m sorry if I gave that impression, I don’t want to go in. Please don’t make me.”
“Are you telling me now that you DON’T want to go in?”
“Yes”
“Are you SURE?”
“Yes.”
“Fine.”

Guess who guns BACK home? Yep, that would be yours truly. I hightail it home. It’s now after ten by the time I walk through my door. Her mom asks me if I dropper her off and I say, “Nope, she decided that she didn’t want to go in at all, she’s downstairs.”

Her mom gives me this unbelieving look and I just walk away. What else do I have to say? What else CAN I say? I mean seriously, short of telling her mom this is all a crock, I’m sick of this shit and to ram it, I got nothing to say. I go to bed.

Mary follows shortly. She’s upset again. I ask her to please put the dog up on the bed so he doesn’t eat cat crap, “Yes your highness.”

I tell her she should come to bed, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

I finally just shut everything down and tell her I’m going to sleep. Now she wants to get another bowl of cereal.

Drops the lamp.

Doesn’t turn on the light and walks RIGHT INTO her fan which she props on a chair. Huge crash. I get up out of bed to help her and she acts indignant because I’m trying to help her at all.

It happened four more times during the night at least. Each time it was because she was looking for the door which she thought could move on it’s own whenever it wanted to.

I truly am at wits end.

Life Post 2.4

2008-04-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

2.4 has not been good to me. Not in the sense that it’s not fun because it is, but because honestly I don’t have the time to grind dailies. Well not exactly true, I don’t find dailies FUN. Add to that the fact that it’s a little island that all 70s that are sick of the other content are there and the fun kind of seeps away in seconds. I’ve done the bombing quest a couple of times but the rest of the dailies? They don’t spawn fast enough to really make it worth my while to sit around and wait. Someone made note that if you did all the dailies, including the ones originally gives at the onset of BC you could make roughly 300g a day.

That’s an impressive number but you have to the desire to do them regularly. I don’t.

So instead I went and did a couple of other things.

First let me say this to all Alliance players that were gripping about AV before the patch hit, you shouldn’t have said anything. Since 2.4 I have not won ONE contest in AV, which is shocking to me since I got my entire honor that way for the pvp gear that Lubacca is currently wearing. The reason I know this is because I decided to respec Luciel back to enhancement and I thought, I’ll grind some honor, get some tokens and get him some decent gear….well that’s going to be made probably twice as hard now due to the fact that the honor and badges will take longer to get. Sure you get more honor from kills now but if you lose AV you get nil, which still means minimal return.

My days look like this now:

Log in #1: Lubacca
I log into Lubacca for several reasons. First, he’s my main and if someone wants to get a MrT run going, that’s who I’m going to use. Secondly, he’s got all my money and is my cash cow with Alchemy. At some point I’ll get the reagents for the alchemy stone, as well as the rep eventually, I’m not worried about it. I go out and do some herb gathering (that whole, Fel Blossom will drop more stuff? Yea, that’s not true.) make some pots, put them on AH and log out.

Log in #2: Luciel
Now that he’s Enhancement again I find it fun. I’m not nearly as much of a DPS guy with Luciel for some reason, I don’t think I have enough spell hit or something but I still have fun in the BGs. I run about four a day, enough for about 1k honor and some badges. Not much else with this one really. If someone is running a regular instance…which is rare, I might jump in with Luciel and hope for some nice loot.

Log in #3: Lubrona
Currently sitting at level 31, this is where I start to feel the drag of a toon until about 40. It’s the hardest time for me and I don’t know why. I’ll try to bash out as many quests as I can but honestly, I am currently finding it exhausting to deal with this one. Once I get the mount that will get better, plus I’ll start hitting some areas that I actually enjoy, like Tanaris. I’ve started to use the Drain Tank Method and it works, I just end up not having enough space for the stupid stones from draining….if I don’t use Draining Life. Suggestions?

Log in #4: McGregor
Strictly to just sit around and grind some leather in hopes of getting enough to maybe make some Drums of War for Luciel or just to put up on AH. This one has really just been mistreated.

Note: I’ve spent roughly 7k gold on getting flight for my characters.

For the Enhancement Shamans out there that enjoy PVP, what do you find will help you most with getting out the most damage against your opponents?

Honestly I knew this was going to happen, it’s the lull before the next big thing. I know that WotLK is coming around the corner, but between now and then, what? I don’t want to switch guilds but I just might with one of my toons long enough to see something fun.

How about you guys? What are you up to now that 2.4 has dropped?

Nehemiah

2008-04-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

/pastor hat on

Nehemiah is a book in the Old Testament it deals with the rebuilding of the walls in Israel. At this time there had been two remnants from Israel that had come back from Exile. They had rebuilt the Temple, at the time it was the only way to really talk to God. You would go in, do your prayers and then leave so that the next person could come in.

So when the book begins we learn that and we also learn that Nehemiah is the cup bearer for the king Xerxes at this time. The cup bearer was a very high position to be in, you would get to taste anything that was to go to the king to make sure it wasn’t poisoned. One of the people that had been in Israel comes back to Iran, which is what it is right now, and explains to Nehemiah what’s going on.

The thing is that even though the Temple was built there were all kinds of rubble around it because the walls had been destroyed. In a way that was an entire metaphor for the Israelites as much as it is for us today. While people might accept Jesus in their heart, they still have all of this rubble about their life, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. You might ask what this is and you only have to look as far back as yesterday, last week, last month or your childhood. Everyone has made choices that have led to us having rubble. In my life I am currently dealing with the rubble that I have thanks in part to the decisions made by my wife and my own inability to see the issue itself.

Nehemiah basically asks the king to be given time off to go and help his countrymen. The king not only gives him the chance but also sends out troops to help with the rebuilding of the walls.

So today’s lesson is that God wants to help us sift through the rubble and try to make us better people. Many times the situations He puts in front of us is to try and deal with the issues. Still we may not know that it’s what He’s doing, it might be put in front of us as a friend with a similar situation, a stranger in need of help or a co-worker who has no one else to turn to. All things in life will garner some kind of life lesion, it’s up to us to pay attention to what’s going on.

How’s that rubble in your life?

/pastor hat off

MotW

2008-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

"My name is Robert Neville and I'm a surviver living in New York..."

Matheson is the teacher of vampires, his book I Am Legend spawned so many copy cats there isn't a definitive number. Will Smith really brought it out in this movie, while some liberties were taken with the movie and how things happen, overall it was a great movie.

Anyone who likes the good survivialist movie will truly enjoy this one.

My pick of the week.

Now Comes the Hard Part

2008-04-03T14:01:00.001-07:00

Many people would believe that the hardest part of dealing with someone with an addiction would be to confront them. That’s not always the case.

As those of you who read this blog regularly know I’ve run into a bit of a rough spot in my life at this time with the Hooved Missus, turns out that she has a serious issue with addiction to medicated narcotics. I don’t think it’s her fault, at least not totally, as I do feel that doctors push a lot of meds to us and the tolerance just builds up in the body of a person, it’s life. Her fault lies in knowing this was happening, not telling anyone and not going to get help. So if you’re reading this and are thinking that I’m going to enable her, you’re wrong. I’m not. However, we’re all human, we all make mistakes, and I have to help her through this time at least, afterward time will tell.

The hardest part of a situation like this happening is the aftermath. The part where you have to look each other in the eye the next day and know you’ve said some stuff that hurt each other on purpose or otherwise and you still have to find a way to say I love you.

I think that’s something that no one should really have to deal with. Yes we all have fights, it’s common nature but how do you look at someone after they’ve had a week long bender and insulted you each and every single day and still say ‘I love you’? Many people would believe that’s it’s not possible, that a line has been drawn by the party who did the hurting and that it’s time to move on.

It’s not that simple. Why not?

Because if you could just leave the person without any remorse then honestly, you shouldn’t even be with them, if your sensibilities are to the point where you can’t look past something like that, then you need to check yourself. (I say this to myself as well as to those reading this) Love is supposed to be this unconquerable thing; it’s what made Kate hang onto Jack’s lifeless hand at the end of Titanic. It’s what made Troy go to war for Helena. It’s what Arthur and Lancealot ended up hating each other for.

If love is such a huge commodity, then why give up on it?

Shouldn’t you fight to make sure that there isn’t something left there? Personally I fought with this statement. I still hear her words in my head and when I look at my wife I still see that raging person that I had to deal with for a time but I also see the woman that I enjoy spending time with. I don’t want to give that person up and I don’t want to just walk away because she’s had a situation that she was out of control in.

/pastor hat

In the Good Book it says to turn the other cheek. There’s also an allegory that talks about getting workers to pick the crop for the season. The farmer makes the first call and says, “I need to get the crop picked, I’ll pay you (insert amount) for the day to get it done.” The workers get to it.

A few hours later he goes back out and gets more people, “I need the crop picked, I’ll pay you (Same amount) for the day to get it done.” The worker get busy. .

An hour before the end of the day the farmer goes out AGAIN, bring back more people, “I need this crop picked, I’ll pay you (same amount) for the day to get it done.”

One of the workers from the beginning of the day gets heated and goes up to the farmer, “I’ve been busting my hump all day and you’re telling me that these Johnny come latelies are going to get the same deal? Where’s the fairness in that?”

The Farmer smiles down at the worker and says, “They might not have started at the same time that you did but they’re doing just as much work at picking the crop now. Should I offer them less for the same work that you’re doing? Would you be happy if you were one of the last ones that decided to work for a deal that promised less than the best?”

What’s that mean? It means that even though we all screw up, we should all be given the same chance. We should all try to give each other the same amount of trust, respect, and chances that we would expect to be given if the roles were reversed.

/pastor hat off

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be that way? We’re not, we’re human and in that statement that means that we’re pretty much flawed and we’re not going to turn the cheek. Most of time we’ll rub that cheek and stare at the culprit and make them feel the pain we feel but only emotionally instead.

I’m trying hard not to make her feel that emotional pain that she caused me. I’m trying to pick up the pieces and put my life back together. Time will tell how well a job I did but I’m not ready to give up yet. If not for her then for myself.

One Week in Hell

2008-03-27T14:04:00.001-07:00

The most difficult aspect about working with a loved one that is an addict is that they’re still your loved one. You still don’t want them to be in pain, you still want to meet their needs and you still want to feel like they love you, even though you’re doing things that you know are good for them but they don’t want done anyway.

I know that I told you what’s been going on, at least the board brush strokes of my life. One of the comments made by a well wisher is that I should seek help from her family. The joke of it is they have been helping, quiet a lot actually. The dynamic of the house has her mother and her sister living with us. Between the three of us we were able to sit down and speak with her about what we thought needed to be done and what we could do to help. It’s been full of fright, tears, misery and concern.

On Friday is when the fit hit the shan more than anything else and since then it’s been a recovery effort on our part trying to alleviate her fears and concerns, trying to work around a lot of her issues.

She spent most of that day sleeping it off. That meant that when it was time for me to go to sleep after a long day she went ahead and starting talking my head off non stop.

Of course when she got up from her day’s sleep she was upset that we weren’t up there more often, that she felt she could have died and no one came to check on her.

I like to think I’m patient but I have to admit that I dealt with it in a very sophomoric fashion. Instead of her really talking about what was going on she would focus on her sister and how she felt it was unfair that her sister got everything she wanted and how it was unfair that she was painted in a bad light. When I would try to redirect her she would throw barbs out that she knew would hurt, “You’re worthless” “I hate you” “Why am I even married to you” “you failed your marriage”

I listened to her go around in circles in her own head for three hours before I cut it off and had enough. I broke one of our cardinal rules because I was just so sick of hearing it. When we first got married we agreed that we would never leave the house when we were fighting. It’s a respect thing and I had held firmly to that until Friday night, exhaustion, frustration and rage got the better of me and I finally bolted from the house. I didn’t go far, I went about half a block in my car, lowered my seat, turned on my iPod and tried to drown out the sorrow I was feeling. About twenty minutes later I went back home to find that in that time she had pretty much wrecked half of my stuff in anger at me leaving.

She was inconsolable, she was angry, she was sad, she wanted to be held, she didn’t want me to touch her. She finally rested.

When I woke the next morning I tried to make things better. I talked with her now that she was more lucid, now that she was willing to listen as well as talk. I thought that the conversation went well. I tried to reassure her, that I was there for her and that we could get through this. Everything seemed alright until it was time to get out of bed and face the rest of the family. The insecurities found their way into her again and she refused to get up. I left her in bed and went to take care of the kids and give an update on her condition. I kept coming up to check on her and tried to encourage her to come down and eat something, be part of the family. She went back to blaming me for everything and saying that I wasn’t giving her the time she needed.

Sunday was the worst. Sunday she was completely lucid and livid. She was angry that we had gone through her stuff and taken her meds (We didn’t, there was NOTHING left to take) she thought we all hated her and she wanted us all to die. She felt like we thought she was worthless and wanted to die. She tried. Small cuts across her wrist testify to that desire in her heart and in her mind. She didn’t succeed however. We managed to get her in to the ER. She was dehydrated, her heart rate was elevated and she was in severe pain.

19mg of pain medicine through IV later, she felt better. She was more relaxed and released to come home.

Monday was another trying day. I went to work but my mother in law stayed home with her. For some unknown reason to me she went to her doctor’s office and told him that her medicine had been stolen. What’s more is that she tried to pin it on one of my close friends. What she didn’t know and I did is that if you are going to go to a doctor’s office and tell them that your medicine was STOLEN you must have a police report. She didn’t have it, she earned herself a black mark on her folder, a trip to a pain specialist and a threat from her doctor that if she ever pulled that stunt again, she would have a termination letter from him, which would also go to our insurance and also be considered another black mark.

When I called during lunch she was hysterical, she felt like she had let everyone down, that her doctor hated her and that she wanted to die.

Between then and now she went on a seventy-two hour manic episode. After being depressed all weekend, she perked right up and decided that there were several things that needed to be done around the house…non-stop…for 72 hours.

Today she’s on even keel. She’s going to a pain management clinic at some point in the near future, she seems more like herself. I still wait for the other shoe to drop.

Time will tell for now. I thank all of you that left a comment in support and ideas with how to handle the situation, also those who left their prayers. It means a lot. I will keep you posted as things to continue to move forward. I hope to be back to your regularly scheduled blog tomorrow.

The Loss of Laughter: True Story, Swear to God

2008-03-24T14:49:00.001-07:00

I’ve hemmed hawed about doing this post for about a week now. I actually have something similar already written on my computer somewhere but the events of this weekend have made that one seem like a lie.

When I started this project I did it in the hopes that I could keep talking about a game I enjoy and well, to be open and honest with the readers. The Bible basically calls for us to be like windows, transparent and clear. To have no hidden shame and to be truthful with one another, even if it sometimes hurts to the core.

I’m married. I have been for close to six years. We’ve had ups and downs like every relationship has. You can’t enjoy the good times in a relationship if you don’t endure the bad times. I can’t say that I’ve always been a good guy. During the first year of our marriage I almost had an affair but I think part of me wanted my wife to find out and I left enough of a trail to figure it out. Since then I’ve tried my best not only to make up for that but also to let her know that she’s loved.

My wife is not of the best health, frankly it seems that neither of us seems to be anymore, however she’s had several hospitalizations in our time together. Not long after I proposed and a week before I was to finish my course work in Seminary she fell very ill and was hospitalized. I was frantic and I stayed with her each and every day of that hospitalization, it cost me my final term in school, I still haven’t finished it.

I worked at a company for four years after we got married with a group of people that were almost like family. They understood when I had to take time off for her. I ended up working half days for almost six months after she had a terrible time of it. We can’t have kids because she had to have a hysterectomy not long into our first year of marriage. Our dreams of having children were snuffed out.

Our lives have been filled with trials and tribulations. Still somehow we’ve found the laughter. I’ve found the laughter, it’s something my mother said would be the end of me, I always found everything amusing. I always made light of a situation and tried to laugh it off. It’s part of my personality. It’s part of who I am and I love it.

I can’t find the laughter today.

For the last week my wife has been in a self induced semi-coma. She had been complaining of anxiety. To that end her doctor gave her a medicine called Ativan. Ativan is from the root family that also has a med called Valium, much more common and well known. The downfall is that it has the ability to make someone incredibly groggy and violent.

This was not the first encounter we’ve had with this medicine. A couple of years ago a different doctor prescribed it with much the same result. I managed to talk her out of taking the medicine and switching to something else. This time, they gave it to her following an ER visit. She thought that it wouldn’t result in the same situation as last time.

When we went to see her doctor this time I pleaded with her to ask for a different medication to try and help her with the anxiety. She didn’t listen and asked for the Ativan anyway. During this tough time we’re in she’s thrown the accusation that this is all my fault for not having spoken up to the doctor and tell him not to give it to her. I do hold myself to blame for some of this but I don’t know that it would have been my place to undermine her in front of her doctor, I don’t know.

Because of the pain she’s in, she has a high dose of pain medicine, 120mg of Oxycontin. If you don’t know what that is, it’s what Jack Osbourne went into rehab for. It’s a very strong med and it’s HIGHLY addictive. She was taking 120mg, three times a day… I found out that she went through a month’s worth in one week. After having taken them all she then said that we had stolen them from her.

My weekend has been filled with grief, torment and misery. My wife whom I hold dear has told me that I’ve failed her and worse our marriage. I don’t find any joy right now and I’m trying guys, I’m REALLY trying. I can’t even begin to express just how heartbroken I am right now, I’m crying at the drop of a hat like some hormonally imbalance 30 something year old guy.

Drug addiction is a scary thing. We watch it on television and we hear about how some actor/actress/singer/model is going through it and will be all the better for it and it feels like it’s something far away and foreign, something that could never touch your life.

We are wrong.

More and more Americans are falling into this cache of addiction and mostly it’s not illegal, it’s just that we grow to tolerate the medicines we do have and need higher doses or more of them.

I am afraid. I am mortified. I am sad. I am lost. I am wounded. I know that I can help my wife the best that I can but I also know that it may not be enough. I know that I may lose the war. That I may help her back to health but eventually she will see me as the man that put her through hell because I tried to help her with her addiction.

I have no laughter at this time. I know this will pass but there is still more storm to weather. I will try to do the Pox thing, though it seems that my free time is going to be tied up for the foreseeable future. WoW is not as fun at the moment as it once was. And writing seems the only way that I can communicate how broken I feel about this without having to show just how broken I am about this.

I have no more words right now.

MotW

2008-03-21T15:27:00.001-07:00

"The world is doomed..."

A throw away line that just showed how much Buffy could NOT do.

I know that I've stuck to movies up to this point but if you remember WAY back, I did tell you there would be exceptions to the Movie of the Week, this is one of them.

Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy (as well as Angel and Firefly), has put together some character that are unforgettable. The discs have four episodes per, giving you about 3 1/2 hours of time to have background noise without having to worry about changing disks.

I have all seven seasons. I play them regularly when a movie doesn't strike my fancy. You would be remiss not to do the same.

What's in a name?

2008-03-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

So I love my character names.

I’ve already given the reasons for two of my 70s but I’ll give them again for the sake of the post….

Luciel – This was my second ‘serious’ character. When the Burning Crusade launched my brother, Forester, and I decided we wanted to reroll. He had a hunter at 60 and was sick of easy mode (His name was Forester), so he went the OTHER extreme and level a Priest…he named him Forester. (Very Original, I know very original.)

My Paladin’s original name was Wayne. Why Wayne? Cause Bruce was taken and I couldn’t see myself naming a character Batman and being taken seriously…so I got stuck with Wayne. (He would get renamed twice, when he was moved to Zangermarsh he went under Odd and then when he landed on Nordrassil he was redubbed McGregor.)

Luciel was my attempt at something a little off kilter. I’ve already told you I’m a man of faith. Some people believe that before Lucifer (the devil) was cast down from Heaven for his revolt against God, his name was the Morning Star, Luciel (Loo SI EL). I saw, and still see, a Shaman as a healer. I figured it was a nice way to say that I would be a force for good the way that some were before the fall. I didn’t realize that many would see it as the female version of the name….Luciel Ball….go figure.

Lubacca originally started as Bosque. It was a play for my brother since he was Forester I named my Druid, Bosque, which means Woods in Spanish. I recently told you that he was rechristened after a chat on TS with my guild where I made the snide comment that if I had known I was going to be a Moonkin I would have named myself Chewbacca instead. Because everyone in guild calls me Lu, they altered it to Lubacca. I was honored, flattered and tickled by the name so I made it official.

Dotinursix…what a name huh? Yea…I know I was high. Sorry. My bad.

Dotting your six is supposed to be a play on military terminology. (Watch your six! “Watch your ass!”) I thought I was being clever. Unfortunately there is another player, Py, who is an old timer and also has a Warlock, level 70 and he named him Dotyaup. This tends to cause some confusion when I’m on my alt.

So I did some research and changed the named of my character today to Lubrona. Having Lu in the name is almost mandatory now with my friends since even if I’m playing Eriq, my priest or Dotinursix, they still call me Lu. Brona, was a choice. Reading up on different Warlocks this name really stuck with me.

Terry Brooks has done a series of books, The Sword of Shannara series, one of the characters is named Brona. His backstory (which I feel fits perfectly for me) is that he was a Druid who began to delve into the dark magic. They eventually consume him and he ends up becoming a Warlock. Pretty clever eh?

In any event Lubrona has been born and I’ve already committed time, money, resources and talents into him. He’s not going anywhere. Welcome him to the fold.

Horn's Advice

2008-03-20T13:56:00.001-07:00

If you read regularly you know that I talked some about locks, Horn (from Yet Another Warlock Nerf!) Graced me with a response, then I retorted and he's given a lengthy response this time. I'm going to cut and paste it here so you can read up. I will be switching my build to this one just to see how it works out.

I am going to admit that I'm going to miss my Treants since they were my 'oh shit' button but willing to try this for a bit.

Horn:
I usually spec like this..

If you want, you can put the point from Omen of Clarity into Subtlety (in restoration), but I personally find it useful in certain situations.

As for balance talents, Force of Nature is useful (as well as Wrath of Cenarius), but having instant cast Healing Touch will save your ass on many occasions; usually those when you fight 3v1 and beat em all. Don't even use Nature's Swiftness for Cyclone or Roots or whatever, save it for Healing Touch.

Here's a macro if you want:
/stopcasting
/cancelform
/cast Nature's Swiftness
/cast Healing Touch

I wrote about druid macros awhile back here.Now, the practical part.

Vs. rogues
If they don't Cheap Shot (CS) you from stealth, you win. If however they do manage to sneak up on you (which will happen in most cases), here's how to get out of it. First, never use your trinket on cheap shot. If you don't have the trinket, get it asap. Don't forget you can use Barskin when stunned, so that's the first thing you should do after CS. As soon as the rogue Kidney Shots (KS) you, use the trinket and cast Nature's Grasp. He will most likely use Cloak of Shadows, so for the next 5 seconds try not to die. Go bear form and use Bash; if you're at least a bit lucky it won't be dodged. That's your chance to Cyclone him fast. Cast Regrowth on yourself, and start casting Roots so it grasps him as soon as Cyclone breaks (get NECB, Quartz or some other addon if you don't have timers). If however he uses his trinket after Bash+Cyclone combo, try to get into Travel Form to get some distance, and then Root him.The aforementioned macro is your panic button so use it if you're low on health (duh). Try to stay in Boomkin form since it gives you a significant boost to armor. Try to stay away from the rogue as much as possible via constant root & cyclone. Fakecasting is also important since you don't want your nature school interrupted. Don't forget to cast Faerie Fire on him so he can't Vanish, and try to time Starfire nukes right after Cyclone breaks - Starfire stuns really help. Again, fakecasting is essential here, if he missed with Kick you can freely Root/Cyclone which gives you a major advantage. HoT yourself when possible, and don't remember to stay in Moonkin. He should go down eventually. Oh, keep Abolish Poison up, especially if he has Wound poison.

Vs. warriors
Use the same means of escaping as versus rogues, other than that I don't know what to say - they're much easier to beat due to limited amount of counters, unlike rogues.

Vs. warlocks
You die. Unless they are mentally challenged or poorly geared. Or both. Fear + Drain Life is just scary vs. a druid, and unless you can get a lucky streak of crits on them, you're wasted.

Vs. priests (both shadow and discipline)
I usually hope they have no experience vs. moonkins and don't use Mana Burn. If they do, you're in trouble; hard to nuke them down fast enough.

Vs. whatever else, you can only loose if they are significantly better geared.

Enhancement shaman are easily kiteable, some even spam Purge constantly and keep dispelling your Lifebloom.

Hunters are in most cases retarded and can't do anything but Serpent Sting and pet attack (remember to Abolish poison often). The tactic you mentioned is quite alright; root them, Hibernate the pet, get into their melee range and pew pew. If the hunter and his pet turn red, you're in a bit of trouble, but only for 18 seconds. Instant HT ftw!

Mages will go oom faster than you if you keep healing yourself; shift to Travel whenever you're freezed by Nova.

Resto druids aren't worth it, it's a waste of mana since they will escape unless you have help. Feral can't do enough dps if you stay in boomkin with HoT's on you; root them, they can't shift as much as you due to their very limited mana. Against other moonkins, ... well what do you think?

Retributors can burst you down real quick, but can't kill you with instant Healing Touch. Use Nature's Grasp, let em blow Blessing of Freedom.

Death Knights are just imbalanced so don't try to avoid them at all costs. Oh wait... nevermind.

Now, I don't know how much resilience you got, but without at least 250, most classes will kick your ass if they are better geared (read: 400+ resilience).

And for fucks sake, don't listen to people and put talent points into Brambles. I read it on one very popular druid blog some time ago and... Oh I better not go there. Just promise me, ok?

I'll be doing warlock vs. x guides soon so stay tuned. In short, warlocks have almost no escape abilities and rogues are a major pain in our behind, and that's exactly where they want to be.

Awesome response and it had me laughing quiet a few times. I'll try this and keep you posted. I guess I'll be getting that trinket instead of the helm =/ lol

Warlock retort

2008-03-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

Warlock and Moonkin rebuff

So yesterday I rambled on about locks and the classes I can defeat as a Moonkin.

This was the reply I got:

Horns said...
I can't believe you have problems vs. melee as a moonkin; they barely touch me when I respec, which is often lately.You'll have a lot more trouble vs. rogues on your warlock, trust me. Oh and, it's Seed of Corruption, not Destruction ;)

For those of you who don’t know who Horns is, he’s the notorious author of Yet Another Warlock Nerf! Which is a great blog in case you’ve never read it and has an incredible sense of humor.

So first I will correct myself and it’s Seed of Corruption. I believe I felt like it was Destruction because every time I have that thing on me it seems like I don’t last another two seconds. Terminology should be correct though so there’s that.

Now in response to the whole melee thing I can say this. If a Rogue gets the drop on my and kidney shots me, I usually don’t have the chance to cast out of that form or regroup enough to do much of anything. By the time that Kidney shot finally elapses I’m usually about halfway through my hps. Switching to caster to self heal just leaves the door open for faster punishment and they’re close enough that they can continue bridging the gap between us to just end it quickly. The close proximity and the advantage of having taken out half my hps before I can retaliate really do just screw with my sense of timing and I go into freak out mode. =/

Warriors, I can take’em out because I see them coming. Just root them, they can’t get close enough to do much of anything.

Against other druids, (Bears and Kitties), well that can go either way. I have seen many druids go caster, cast life bloom and go back to melee forms, which draws out the fight and it’s basically which runs out first, their health or my mana. 9 times out of 10, I win.

The thing that I do end up bringing with me recently is mana/health pots. Reason being is because I have so many AV tokens that I can just waste them to get some nice rebuffs.

So, there you go Horns. I would love to learn how you handle the specific classes and your thoughts on how rogues will be more painful as a Warlock.

New Banner!

2008-03-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

It's late for me but Ryan Broussard, the original creator of my banner went and out did himself with this new one. I wanted something that tied together the three classes that I babble about the most.

He put down Super Smash Brothers long enough to create this beauty...not too shabby eh?

I got a response on my last post and I'll reply in the morning. For now, just enjoy the new banner!

Warlock, BGs and Classes I can Beat

2008-03-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Why are the Clothies so much fun?

So in my last post I told you that I started a little priest. My alt-itis is getting worse as I’ve decided to go ahead and make another one. This time it’s a lock. See, while I love Eriq because he’s unique, the viability of Shadow Priests in PVP has become smaller and smaller.

I’ve spent some time on the war fields with Lubacca and I can honestly say there are two classes that I find myself smacking myself against the head with, Shadow Priests and Warlocks. Those DoTs, the Fear, the pets, the mana suckage and the life drain…there’s nothing I can really do that’s going to counter it and while I have a moderate amount of resiliency I find myself getting hammered by them.

When the enemy has your number, figure out what they’re doing and try to crack it.

I have a Paladin. While I must admit that Horde Paladins for some reason strike FEAR into me, I know how to handle them. With 2.4 I’ll know how to handle them even better since the Seal of Blood is migrating over to Alliance. I know that Consecrate is a little obnoxious spell that is basically a DoT if you stand there like a noob and take it. I know that they have two spells that can mess you up and ‘sap’ you, but they cool down time is enough to let me know that it’s twice and then I’m clear to mess them up if I’m still standing.

Warriors are pure melee. Yes they can throw, shot me or arrow me to death but it’s not like a hunter. Root them, Treant them and then just straight blast them.

Hunters…these can be tricky. As a Moonkin, what I do is Cyclone the hunter, sleep the pet, root the hunter, blast, blast, blast. I have a buddy, Grimlok, who’s an incredible hunter. He does awesome and has much better gear than me. He recently got the Bow drop from Prince in Kara. We’re standing outside of Kara and he drops the duel flag on me. I smoked him. The reason is that when is comes to dps, I can out gun just about anyone! However when they come up close and melee me I’m at a loss.

Which is why I hate ROGUES! These troublesome little bastards can just destroy me. The come up behind me, kidney shot and then the rest is history and because they can keep up the kidney shot I never get my feet under me again. (I need to get one of those damn trinkets). If I can see them coming, I can root and then just blast them from here until next week, spit on their bodies and laugh on my way to the next flag.

Against Druids, well it’s not a stalemate, I’m equipped to be a caster, I can turn kitty or bear just fine but it’s NOT going to be the same thing. I can hold my own but in the end, if it’s a bear or kitty druid, I’m down. If it’s a Moonkin I can hold my own and usually end up winning! (This is mostly due to the generous healers that see me fighting a good fight and feel within their hearts to heal me – To them I say thank ya.)

/Ramble Off

Back to the Warlock

So I had an itch last night and I wanted to play a warlock for a little bit, born was Dotinursix (Dotting your Six, Six meaning the term that most military heads say instead of ass…so like Watch your Six, watch your ass….I’ve over explained it.)

In any event, I’ve got several guildies who have high level Warlocks and this is the conversation that went on:

“What type of build should I use?” Me

“I used Demonology but it really depends on what you want to do.” Aliester

“I used Affliction, it’s great.” Thog

“I’m a Moonkin and the only thing that I HATE is Locks in PVP.” Me

“Why?” Al

“Because the fight usually goes like this: Dot, Dot, Pet, Fear, Dot, Dot, Life Drain, Me dead.”

About three minutes of straight LOL, ROFL, ROFLMAO, ROFLMFAO, OMG, Tee hee, Titter…

“That’s Affliction. You can Drain Tank with that build.” Thog

“What?” Me

“What they do to you in BGs is called Drain Tank. If you have a healer with you, you can spam Seed of Destruction all you want and cause serious damage.” Al

The rest of it was basically laughter at the thought of my feathered ass running around like a chicken with my head cut off to just end up dying somewhere with a lock standing over me, spitting in my eye and laughing on his way to someone else.

So, I will be trying the Warlock class for a bit. The way my playtime is breaking down recently is I either run a Heroic or a Battleground with Lu and then switch over to a lowbie for about an hour or so and then call it a night. So…there you go. I will be talking to you about tales from the lock pretty soon. I do want to say though that I think it’s SICK how I can already take on things 3 and 4 levels above me with relative ease…I’m only level 10.

Miscellany

2008-03-17T11:12:00.001-07:00

N00B Priest

I broke down and did it. I couldn’t help myself I swear. You see I can only do SO much PVP daily before my brain shuts down and I refuse to do anymore. I have grinded 21k honor this weekend. Think about how many AVs that was. Think about how many times I had to run that map….::Shudder::

So I went ahead and decided that one of my little lowbies would get some love. My 10 slots on Nordrassil are completely used up so I don’t have the luxury of making a new one, I just pick up one that I might have started before. This time it fell to Eriq to help me out.

Eriq is my lowbie priest, he is currently sitting at level 18. From what I understand the priestly fun doesn’t begin until level 20. It’s been interesting playing a cloth only character since I know that it’s more difficult and you really have to know your mechanics well in order to survive. I’ve been impressed with the fact that I can take on 2 mobs at once and not die. My only hope is that it gets better with time. Of course if you read anything, every player will tell you that the best type of clothie to have it in fact a Warlock.

Warlocks are supposed to be the destroyers of hopes of all other PVP players.

Still I’ve never been one to go with the flow and wanted to try something a bit different.

School

I have a PhD in Spiritual Studies. Many people don’t know that. I make it a thing not to tell people that. I don’t want to shut doors because when people hear anything ‘Spiritual’ they think you’re some kind of Bible thumper that’s going to come to their house and tell them how to live. I’m not one of those.

I’m a booster. (Points if you catch the reference.)

Seriously I did it because I’m a believer. Please don’t take that and run with it, it is what it is, I believe that there is Someone bigger than me out there in the big blue that looks down and helps me along the way. That doesn’t mean that I expect you to feel the same. I like to be there in case people have questions that they need answered but don’t want to go to someone of ‘authority’ and instead want to talk to the guy next door. That’s me.

That being said I have this itch. I need to continue to learn. I don’t know how to NOT learn. I think it’s why I read so much.

One of the schools that I went to years ago sent me an open invitation to come back. Now personally I love to learn but I also have this –pull- to go back and finish up some stuff that I have put off for a long time. If I went back it would be for another diploma.

Course there is a part of me that knows that if I do go back into school this will kill some of my play time. This may not be a bad thing. I have some short sighted goals that I’m completing in game at this time. I know that 2.4 is going to be dumped on us soon and I’m waiting for it but after that, what? WotLK is going to get dropped at some point but it’s highly doubtful it’ll be before the winter season.

So this puts me at a bit of a crossroads. One of the classes that I’m considering taking, The Gospel of John, is going to be taking place on Wednesday. This would be directly after work, effectively destroying my work with the POX crew for the time being.

I have a meeting tomorrow in the morning to talk with admissions a little more, see if perhaps this will or won’t work out for me. In either way I’ll keep you posted.

Banner

So I have been talking for a bit about getting a new banner, something that reflects all the aspects of WOW that I am currently playing. My good friend Ryan has agreed to mess with his time and effort and put one out for me. It should be coming shortly and when it’s ready I’ll swap it out. So be on the look out for it soon!

It's AV weekend!

2008-03-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I love AV weekend. It’s the best time for PVP honestly. It’s a time for you to grind out ridiculous amounts of honor in a short amount of time and get gratification for it.

This weekend has been AV weekend and I’ve enjoyed it immensely. Although I will point out for the Alliance players that it seems that Sundays is the day that casual Horde players come out in force and you’re going to be harder pressed to win one of those matches, otherwise it’s like a duck shot. You just sit around and wait for the honor to come in.

Between Friday and Saturday I was able to grind 15k honor, enough to get my Gladiator Pants and spent a little gold to get an additional 20 stamina put onto them. My resiliency jumped up to about 131. While many say that this mechanic has destroyed the way that the game is played, I’ve enjoyed the benefit as it seems that it’s taking a little bit longer for the opposing players to bring me down to my knees. Looking at the stats for most of my fights, I was only killed about one or two times per battle as opposed to the seven or eight times I would bite the dust when I first started doing PVP hardcore.

This morning when I logged on to check where I stood, I had about 7k honor sitting around, I have tonight left to try and earn the other 7k I need in order to get my helm. That would bring the resiliency some more and I have two jewel slots that I can put some more stats into.

While its pvp gear, I still find that it’s useful when it comes to doing some raids.

How about it guys, how have you fared with the PVP this weekend? Do you also take this time to try and grind as much as possible to try and get some nice upgrades?