Friday, September 26, 2008


There are certain things that are certain in life. The Sun rising in the East and setting in the West; Spring leading to Summer, then Fall and then Winter and the fact that whether we can see them or not, the stars shine brightly over our heads.

I can look at that small list and tell you that every single one of those is true, but I can’t tell you much else.

My living situation is changing again. My whole year has felt like it’s all about change. Change to grow and stretch me to become a better person. Change to help me realize that I can strive for more, I don’t have to settle and I can accomplish much if I set my mind to it.

Travis is moving out. The bond between Jen and him grows stronger everyday and I get to watch it with my own two eyes. There are times when we’re hanging out that we play the question game and they’ll ask tough questions. About a week ago, we’re in our cups and sitting at the table of truth, asking our questions.

“Gabe, how does it feel to know that you brought us together?” Travis asked. (Paraphrase I believe)

That’s a loaded question.

I’ve already told you their story, at least I think I have. They’ve become my shelter because they’ve been so honest with me. Because they’ve been so genuine. Because they’ve decided to let me in. Yet they both look at me like I’m the reason they’re together when in all honesty, it was and is the ardent love that they have for each other that brought them together. Watching them is like watching a supernova. Bright and full love light, but also hot and dangerous in a sense that getting too close will scorch you.

I explained myself as best I could. They are my family. They are the world to me in that they show me that there’s hope in this fucked up world. They show me that even though we all have a tendency to screw up, we can still have a happy ending. For that I’m always grateful.

So today I’m emailing back and forth with Jen because that’s what we do and we’re both talking about our exes.

The whole conversation came up because M called me last night. She heard through the grapevine that I would be losing a room mate and she sent me an email a few days ago. The email was the type that you never want to read. She wanted to try again. She wanted to move in with me, get a job and see how things went from there. The thing is, even in the email she wasn’t the woman I remembered. I’m not a grammar nazi BUT I do know the writing styles of the people close to me and the way that she wrote that letter made me sad because I KNEW that she wasn’t the same.

I didn’t answer right away. Honestly I didn’t know how to answer that question without sounding like an asshole. While it doesn’t really matter I suppose, I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already had.

So she called instead, five times yesterday after work.

I was having dinner with Sarah, no you don’t get an explanation yet. And I explained to her what was going on and how I was trying to gauge what I should do exactly. She helped me out, she knew I had to make the call but she was my moral support while it happened.

The person on the other end of the line was NOT my ex-wife. She couldn’t be. Recently she had a shunt put into her brain because the doctor’s felt that there was too much brain fluid in there. According to her they haven’t perfected it yet.

Still, this isn’t the first time I talk to her in weeks. I just spoke with her on Sunday. She called then too. I took the call, not sure of what to expect and what I got was hit up for forty five dollars for her to pick up pain meds. Something that I was not willing to do.

In this call she’s trying to present her case, however, I had to ask her to repeat herself more than once because I couldn’t understand her. It sounded like a severe case of cotton mouth and it just crushed me more. I know that some of you may think that I’m crying over spilled milk but I hold by the fact that I will always love her. I am not IN LOVE with her and I haven’t been in a while but still, she was an important part of my life for a long time. Hearing her the way that she is just killed me.

Then she asked if I had found a roommate and I said yes. She asked if it was a male or female, I told her it’s a female. That’s when things went very south. She started asking some personal questions that I didn’t feel comfortable with answering or telling her about. I explained that to her and she seemed okay. We hung up with me promising to call her back today, why? Cause I couldn’t listen to her like that anymore.

The texts started an hour after that. Full of recriminations and accusations, full of frustration and anger I’m sure. How I never truly loved her because I was trying to move on, how I never gave her a chance and I didn’t give her an opportunity to clean up.

I texted back and forth for an hour and finally gave up. It wouldn’t matter what I said to her, she would feel that way.

Back to today and I’m talking to Jen and she says something that clicks, “Now that I know what it’s like to really be loved, I know for sure that my ex didn’t love me.”

Okay, am I the only one that’s like, “FUCK?”

Don’t understand? Think about it. You spend so much time loving ONE person and things fall apart and you find someone fun and then when things get heavy you realize that true, unselfish love has been something you’ve never received, you’ve only receive the pale shadows of that love but now you’ve got something so strong and powerful that it makes it harder for you to breathe.

Have you been a fool for too long? Were you blinded by some minimal attention that someone showed you? Did you settle?

The worst thing about moving on is that the past can haunt you if you let it. I’ve been trying to ‘break off the rearview mirror’ as it were, easier said than done.

I had been trying to be civil up until this point but the conversations and texts I’ve received in the last week tell me that it’s something I’m doing in futility.

When Ariel was still hanging around I tried to get the rest of my stuff and it didn’t happen. I was stalled by the MIL about how M was supposed to get half of everything. What I’ve learned? Oregon doesn’t work that way and if I call the cops, they can help me get my stuff. I don’t want to go that route, I hate to have to burn a bridge but the options are becoming less and honestly, I want to move on with my life.

There’s nothing worse than knowing that maybe, maybe you were never understood at all.


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