Friday, June 20, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I think there may be some that read this blog that can attest that walking out of a relationship that was in the state mine was in is still incredibly hard. You feel, even if you shouldn’t, that you could have done more. That you are to blame for all the short comings in your partner and in your relationship in general because its human nature to feel flawed. We are built that way, to take the blunt of the errors that are made by us and around us. You look at children of divorce, those that are old enough to know what’s going on, and they blame themselves for the misfortune of their parents. Kids always find a way to blame themselves; they MAKE it their fault if we allow them to.
There’s a reason why I’m writing this but as you all know I always take the long way around when I’m in a mood. I’m at work this morning. Exhausted because yesterday was my late day and then I had to get up early today and come right back in. I’m walking around in a semi conscious state getting the patients checked in, taking money and occasionally throwing out a good funny comment. I end up going to the bathroom and as I’m standing there something dawned on me. I’m pretty sure that my anniversary was this last weekend.
I’m going to let that sink in for a moment.
I’ve been in such a relaxed state the last few weeks after my decision; I’ve come home and been able to spend fun times with my friends. I’ve been able to not worry about what’s going on at home. I’ve been able to go to sleep when I wish. Food is not an issue, I can cook for myself or I can eat out. I don’t have to have four different voices telling me they want something different.
So I’m standing there and this is dawning on me and I kept waiting for that pang, or the tears or the hurt and I got nothing. I have the thought that there was a day in the weekend that meant something to me in the past but now is a distant memory.
You must understand that I’m a romantic. I’ve never forgotten an anniversary. I’ve never forgotten a birthday. I’ve always had things planned that I thought would show my interest, affection, care and love but this year it wasn’t even a memory that crossed my mind. How does that speak to my mind set? How does it speak to my state of mind for that matter? Some might consider that I’m going through a mid life crisis and that I’m trying to recapture my youth but if anything else I’m trying to recapture my adulthood. I’m not afraid of responsibility… as long as the responsibilities are mine and not thrust on me because of situation.
I know I need to go talk to her and I said I was going to the other day but you know what? I decided I didn’t want to. There were other things that I could be doing and did do instead of going in for a guilt trip with tears, screams and recriminations. I chose to live my life instead.
There are some things that you’ll never be able to get around during a break up. Some things that are completely out of your control, the biggest of which is how you’re painted at the end of anything that was long term and is ending in a manner that doesn’t end in one of you dying… that was a joke J.
I’m reminded of Jerry Maguire when it comes to break ups. You know after he’s taken to lunch and fired after people read his manifesto? He’s running back to his office, his ‘buddy’ Sugar strolling casually. Both are calling their assistants and contacting Jerry’s clients, see which side of the split they end up on. Jerry ends up with two clients out of what seems like fifty. He’s crushed and defeated but as he walks out of his office to a silent bullpen full of staffers he says, “I’m not going to do what everyone expects me to do, which is FLIP OUT! I’m just going to ask one thing. One thing. Who’s coming with me?”
That’s what friends go through with a break up. They’re asked in subtle ways which way they’re going to go when things break. I haven’t had to do that. My friends have, gracefully, remained loyal to me the entire time that I’ve been married.
So let’s look at the list:
Jen and Travis – This is a given that they will remain my friends. Out of all of the ones that I have, they’ve been the ones that I have turned to constantly in this last six months and have given a helping hand or ear.
Ryan and Kristin – Ryan is my oldest friend. I’ve watched him grow up and would have been willing to adopt him if push came to shove, that’s how much I love the kid. His wife understands that our friendship goes deep enough that when I needed a place to crash neither hesitated… plus they uninvited her to the wedding…so, natch
Peter and Tanya – Peter is a nurse like M, they met in nursing school so he’s one of her oldest friends. When we first got married he didn’t like me, as time’s gone on though we’ve begun to respect each other. When things were going down hill a couple years ago he asked the tough question for the first time, “Is she a drug addict.” Then he recommended help. I don’t know which way he’ll land. He might land in both camps.
Her Family – Do I really even have to get into it? LOL
My Family – Could thankfully care less what happens to me and never liked M cause she’s white (We’ll talk about it another time.)
You know what’s sad? That’s the extent of the friends that know my wife. Not because I wasn’t willing to take her out but because, well, she just didn’t go out. She’d rather be home. There’s other people that I would consider acquaintances really, they probably don’t care.
Thing is that I’m going to go to each of these people and ask for their allegiance. They’re going to believe what they will. They will know the score when push comes to shove but for the moment? I want to see what they’ll do. People show their true colors when things happen. I’ve become a lot more relaxed, like I used to be. M has become extremely high strung and dependent, MIL has become a raging dragon from which there is no escape, willing to say anything to hurt.
There’s one other thing that I want to broach with you guys.
I have an enormous heart. I’m sure that it’s something you’ll have to take my word for. M doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like she ever will. I don’t want to leave her high and dry with a bunch of bills…. But how much help is okay before its enabling or worse. . Does that make sense? I have to admit that I feel responsibility for her but how much is just responsibility and how much is just being silly and doing too much?
Has anyone gone through this that can maybe shed some light?
Monday, June 16, 2008
How was your weekend Loyal Reader? Hopefully wherever in the world that you are, you’ve had a good time, enjoyed your life and haven’t put yourself in hock doing it.
So this begins week 3 of this little thing called my life. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you have to go back and read some of my other posts. A recap would take just as long to type up as this post will and I just don’t want to fully relive it, so I hope you understand.
In any event, let me fill you in on what’s going on so that you know how I’m doing. I’m still living at my friend Ryan’s house. I’m waiting for my room to become available at the one place but it seems that Ryan and his wife, Kristin, miscalculated finances and me being there has given them a little more money that they weren’t sure they were going to have. In a sense I’m helping them as they help me, that is a blessing. I usually only show up to sleep and shower, I do eat with them when I get the chance but because Ryan works security and has odd hours, it doesn’t happen often. It’s an interesting dynamic but thankfully we don’t get on each other’s nerves. I may be there another week, to help them but also because that room is still up in the air. (just waiting on the one guy to move out but he’s firmly ENTRENCHED…)
This weekend was a BLAST! You can not even being to know the fun that I had, well wait, you will know cause I’ll tell you! Friday was a mellow night, I went over to a friend’s house because she had just gotten bad news that some of her relatives had gotten into a fatal car wreck and needed some laughs, of course I’m the person to call. We went out had some food and started watching a mini series called, the 10th Kingdom. If you’ve never watched it, it’s out on DVD and very entertaining.
Saturday night I was asked to go Glow Bowling. I don’t know if this happens everywhere but here in Oregon, many of the bowling alleys shut down the lights, turn on some black lights and let you bowl for two hours, non stop for 12 dollars a head. It’s a lot of fun, good music and silly times. We had a pretty big group that night.
Cast of characters:
Brandon – 25 year old guy. Gamer, mainly XBOX 360, seems okay, this is the first time that I’ve met him. I have to admit that he seems a little arrogant but had his good moments.
Josh – 27 year old guy, brother to Brandon, also a gamer. A LOT more mellow, the personality he carries is very much my own, tongue in cheek, catch a joke at the spur of the moment and Pendleton drinker. Excellent guy and someone that I wouldn’t mind hanging with regularly.
Mandy – 20 year old girl, sister to Josh and Brandon. Tiny little thing full of piss and vinegar. I would not want to cross her on a bad day. Seems to have a nice heart and a good idea of where she wants her life to go. Second most outgoing of the three siblings.
Tommy – 22, dude. Mandy’s boyfriend. This Mo-hawked guy has some ties to some not so nice people in Oregon but he struck me as genuine and I liked that about him. He drives a beat up Supra that will blow its seals if it goes past 110. (heh)
Tracey – 35, lady. I met her a week or so prior and we decided to hang out. Very nice person, funny and feisty. She’s a person you want on your side, and one you’d regret to have against you.
Travis – I’m sure you’ve heard about him.
Jen – You’ve heard about her.
Me – Duh.
So we met at Brandon and Josh’s house and headed over to the bowling alley from there. Now you have to know by now that I enjoy having fun. To me having fun is just as much watching a movie as it is going out to have drinks. Tracey hadn’t been out in a while so we got some pints of alcohol, Skyy Vodka and Pendleton. I figured, shots for everyone who wanted it and we wouldn’t spend much at the bowling alley.
Jen and Travis are always fun, especially when they’ve got some drinks in them. What I didn’t know was that Tracey was also that way LOL.
We were there until 1am. Had a blast, we took several pictures of the event, simply because it was that fun lol.
On Sunday I went to a Softball double header. Travis is part of a beer league and we decided to give him his own little cheering section. Oregon’s finally getting sun in for the summer so we had the ability to enjoy the nice weather and watch the game. I got a little darker since I don’t burn and it looks good.
The fun that was had wasn’t because we were blitzed, at least I wasn’t. It was because we were with friends and honestly, family, that’s what friends up becoming if you give them the chance. I didn’t stare at my computer screen for hours on end, I enjoyed the time given to me and my friends to the hilt.
I’ve taken a step back from playing so much, the majority of why is because I have a social life now. Something that I haven’t had in a long time. It’s rejuvenating and refreshing.
I will say this though. I didn’t go over to M’s house once this weekend, I didn’t even think about it. I won’t say that it’s not still a fresh wound but it is one that’s scabbing over if I don’t sit there and pick at it. I’m not heartless, not in the slightest. Seriously though, not having to worry about stupid non sense and what’s going to happen tomorrow is enlightening. I did get a call from M this morning. She was in tears and asked why I hadn’t come over during the weekend. I explained to her that I had other things to do and really hadn’t dwelled on it.
At the moment she’s trying to convince me to give her another chance. Now she believes that if we move out of her mom’s house and have our own place that it will solve the problems that are currently plaguing us. She feels that she’s seen the error of her ways and that I should give it another go.
I don’t see myself doing that. You have to understand, for those of you thinking I’m evil, that making the move that I did, it really, it really took a long time for me to do. It’s not something that I decided overnight or something that I came to lightly. It’s about my sanity. I don’t care who you are there’s only SO much you can take at any given time and I went well beyond it. The fact that I had to leave for her to get the message to me, it’s heartbreaking. I have to be away from her to understand just how messed up the situation is. Add to that the fact that I’d be going back without knowing for SURE what was going to happen with her. There would always be that gnawing in the back of my head that I didn’t know everything, that everything could crumble again at the drop of a hat… then what would I do? I don’t know that I’d have the courage to pull this off again and I know that while my friends love me and respect all my decisions, I would be doing the same thing I complain about. I would be someone who’s enabling, someone who sees all the angles but doesn’t have the nuts to play one.
I don’t see her in the big picture at the moment. I’m sure that time has passed. I will mourn the relationship, who doesn’t. I can’t go back though. That’s just me. As always you’re willing to give me your opinion. You guys, the readers, you guys inspire me as you continue to read this blog even though it’s gone well past what it used to and I appreciate all the input I get, because I know that there’s different ways to handle things, people view life differently. You need that to make an educated decision. Thank you all.