A Few Days In

If you had told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I’d call you a liar. It’s hard for to make changes in my life. I’m a very laid back person and I feel like, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It’s the mentality I’ve always had and sometimes it serves me well, other times… not so much. The complete direness of the situation that I was in recently was the only reason I squeezed myself out of it. Had it not been taking such a drastic turn in the short life of the relationship (Let’s be honest 6 years is not long at all) I would still be there trying to fight the good fight.

As it stands, I felt like General Custard or the guys in the Alamo. Not a good sign.

So now, we’re looking back at the first few days after the decision that will basically alter my life. There’s no way around it, straight up this is a life change.

I know two things for certain about me and as always I’m going to share it with you. I don’t handle stress well. In that sense I have to thank my mother and the women in my life for that. Seems it runs in the family. Now this doesn’t mean that I have little panic attacks or anything.

The first thing is my sleep cycle. I either tend to sleep more or not at all, which leads to very huge amounts of issues. I’m not comfortable no matter how I sleep or where I sleep, it just won’t come because I’m just so stressed.

The second thing is that I begin to pay many visits to the Porcelain God, not to throw up but to sit… you get it. Non-stop, all day, several days, NOTHING will fix it, cause it’s nerves. It’s the worst feeling in the world and it handicaps my ability to do anything. I can’t begin to tell you how helpless I feel when it happens.

With the size of the change that I just accomplished I expected to not sleep for days and just sit on the throne while I pray for slumber. I thought it would be so bad that I would have no choice but to go back, tail between legs and just take it.

Guys, neither of these things has happened to me. The first night I slept bad but it was because I had forgotten to bring my alarm clock with me and I kept waking up thinking I overslept. Since then, I sleep well, my stomach isn’t in knots and I’m not berating myself because I’ve done something unforgivable. I actually feel like I can accomplish anything right now.

That being said the only fear I still harbor, the thought of being alone. For now, I WANT to be alone. The last thing I need is another set of problems, but somewhere down the line I’m going to get that itch again and I wonder, I wonder if I’m damaged goods now and won’t be given the time of day.

Still, a thought for another day. Right now even though I’ve got cloudy skies outside my window at work, the future looks bright indeed.

Free Falling

Been a while hasn’t it? I know I promised to slow down on the personal stuff but I think you guys still deserve to know what’s going on with me especially since you’ve devoted time and attention to one guy’s life.

Yesterday I went ahead and moved out. I have to tell you that it wasn’t pretty, at all. The strange thing is that when I say it wasn’t pretty, it mainly had to deal with the MIL more than my wife. Can you imagine that? I’d spent the better part of two weeks explaining everything to my wife, breaking it down for her in a manner that I thought she would understand and in a mere ten minutes, the MIL went ahead and blew all that work out of the water by doing exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I don’t feel that I handled the last month the best way possible but it was the only way that I knew how to deal. I would go to work and then some friend’s house until about 9 to 10 and then head home. My logic was that I wouldn’t have to see my wife in that state and that I would not interfere as much in their life, knowing that I was leaving. Seems like I played it wrong because when the MIL started up on me the first thing she told me was that I was using them. That my behavior in the last month had been rude and disrespectful. (Side note: I had talked to her about a week earlier and apologized for the vanishing act. I had explained what was going through my head, I had told her how I felt and still, she didn’t get it.)

Even as I left the house and my wife KNEW, I mean she KNEW what my issue was; the MIL didn’t get it and still looked at me like a failure and a fraud.

I paid the month’s bills and left my wife some money for the month. It seems that that’s still a responsibility though I have to admit, I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to do that for. I mean honestly, she doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon and her mother’s looking at me like I’m a loser because of it.

Part of me wants to say that I would come back if she got all cleaned up but I don’t know that I would be able to share a roof with the MIL any longer after the words that we had yesterday.

So, your Shaman is currently spending some time with his best friend, who’s back from his honeymoon, until the room that I was promised is free and clear. I think the only concern that I currently have is that the MIL has threatened to toss all my stuff into the street on Thursday if I don’t pick it up by Wed…. where I’ll store that stuff until Sunday, I have no clue.