Thomas Wolfe was right

Thomas Wolfe once said, You can never go home again.


In my mind’s eye when I used to hear that term I thought he meant, home as in, your childhood home, you’re parents and your relatives. Unfortunately that’s not the case. It doesn’t just touch on your childhood and the things that went on there. It’s talking about any point in time in your life where you once had a home and now you’ve moved on.

How do I know this?

I learned it the hard way. For some of you, you’ve followed along, for others; well you’re probably scratching your head wondering what I’m talking about.

Eight months ago, after almost six years of marriage, I woke up one morning and had a moment of clarity. I was in a situation where I was giving until I couldn’t give anymore and then asked to give again. I had reached my limit. I was living in a situation where my wife had been constantly drugged for the last two years. I had lacked in the many departments that help us get our needs met and all I was doing was care giving for someone who didn’t give about anything.

I gave her one month. I told her that if she could show me something, anything in that month that gave me some hope, that showed me that perhaps she did care. I would reevaluate the situation, stick around and work things out. The month came and went, I went with it.

The first couple of months were the hardest, I won’t lie. Having known that I would come home to the same person and be given a respite from life was warm and welcoming and suddenly I was living without it. I was living without the safety net that I had become accustomed to.

In the end, the edge of being alone got the best of me and I made some sad decisions when it came to dating, ask around and you’ll be told exactly what I’m talking about. It felt like a build up of crap, one bad thing to the next. Then I met someone who I thought was genuine and at the end of it I was still staring at the same issues that I had when I started.

Nothing went right for me. Be it by Devine design or just by bad decisions, I felt like the opposite of King Midas, where everything turned to dung.

Near the end of the year a few things happened. In October, I had a car accident, the vehicle in question was totaled but I was able to walk away without a scratch. Within the month I was able to get a new car for a small sum that was better than the one I had.

The relationship I had been nurturing it slowly and as quietly as possible. Not wanting any ripples, hoping that it wasn’t just a smoke screen, fell apart right in front of me in the span of two weeks. Like a bad paper-Mache that had finally dried out and started to crack under it’s own flaws. There was nothing to be done for it. I had to let it go.

Just as that was coming to a close I got a bombshell at the beginning of December. I was being kicked out. The owners of the apartments I was living in wanted to turn a quick buck with the down turn in the economy. They kicked out all of the month to month renters to make them into condos. Unfortunately for me, no one moves in December. This meant that I was stuck couch surfing for the month of Dec until I was able to get a place again in Jan.

This is where my biggest mistake lay.

I didn’t have a shortage of options. Looking back on it now? I probably had more options that I even realized then. I’ve talked to friends who have looked at me dumbfounded and wondered why I didn’t call on them. I think part of it was me just being stubborn.

M walked back into my life. She had gotten somewhat better. She was more like the person I remember in my mind’s eye. It blinded me. It made me feel like perhaps there was still a chance, still an opportunity. And, ever the optimist that thinks the best of people, I tried again.

The old resentments, the old anger, never really dies you know, it just slumbers. It waits for the time to rekindle itself. To catch on fire the soul of the person it breathes within everyday hoping for the opportunity to scream out that it’s right. It stews, it slumbers, it waits, and it hungers.
Slowly it consumed me. It took me by the hand and guided me through the steps, made me see the same things that had accumulated through the first time for so many years. Instead each time one of the old habits would crop up, I was aware, well aware of it and it gutted me. It tore me up and I would talk about it, how it made me feel, what I was worried about.

The week I was supposed to move out was the hardest. I was entrenched again in the same place I had been for years and as angry as it made me, it was comfortable, it was safe. Why should I crack my skull trying to start over when I could just fall into mediocrity and forget about it, forget about dreams, aspirations, hopes, desires and live a life amongst the unwashed and unknown, never blazing a trail for myself in this life or this World. Complacent in knowing that there was a warm body next to me, even if she wasn’t affectionate.

I debated because I feared. I feared because I had already gone all in with someone else and they hadn’t been able to cover my bet. I had shown all my cards and come up short of the winning hand. So what would make me think that the second time around would be better. What makes me think that it wouldn’t lead to a third try or fourth? How far was I willing to go? How often was I willing to bet all my chips?

I hemmed and hawed. It didn’t help that she wanted me to stay. It didn’t help that I wanted to stay. The strength that I had the first time I left wasn’t available. I had lost that yearning and burning because I was getting cowed again and I didn’t even see it.

If you ask me now what exactly it was that lead to my leaving, I still couldn’t tell you, that week was a complete blur. However I got out and was on my own. We tried to make it work. I know how much I gave to it. She has an idea as to what she put into it, I can’t speak for her. I’m not going to demonize the woman I once called wife but I will say that in my eyes the effort wasn’t enough and we ended up falling into our own ways.

This week I finally came to grips with the fact that the woman that I married that fine summer day was long gone and never to be seen again.

The second time, I think, was the hardest. It’s that finality that I know that there’s nothing else to do. There’s no where else to take this endeavor so with a heavy heart I’ve had to say it again. This time knowing that what I once called home is now nothing but an empty house.

The Fate of J

One of the worst things of having decided to move on is that I knew J would be left behind. It’s not because of all of those macho things you might think:

“I’m a young guy, he cramps my style.”
“Chicks don’t want to with a kid in the room.”
“I’m not dressing him.”

The basic fact is that J is in Foster Care. In any state to be certified to be a foster parent, not only do you have to have extensive training and pass a background check, your home must also meet approval. If it sounds like cake then you’re wrong. Having the house pass inspection is the toughest thing in the world simply because we overlook the things that they feel are incredibly pivotal to the well being of a child.

Since I’m the one that moved, the housing that I would be using would have to pass inspection and while I like my new pad, I don’t think its kid friendly in the slightest. Travis has been a bachelor for far too long. His walls are covered with bottle tops from his beers, there’s rodeo memorabilia in every nook and out favorite whiskey, Pendleton, has made a home there as there’s a good dozen empty bottles (Fifths and Half Gallons) on top of the fridge. One dog, but sometimes two or three, depending on who’s there.

Knowing all of this I knew that keeping him with me would not happen. I have no furniture in my room except for an air mattress and some storage bins. It’s not a place to keep a boy.

I have been debating on what to do with him.

The debate is out of my hands.

M told the state that I was no longer living there and they automatically told her that she wasn’t going to be able to adopt him.

I’m torn between breathing a sigh of relief and complete anguish. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him now and I feel like I’m responsible for it.

I’ll keep moving, I always do but still, it feels like another one I’ve let down.

Coming to Terms..

As the time goes by from where I was and where I’m heading I feel clearer headed. It appears that I’m not the only one. More on that in a second.

I spent some more time with Amy this weekend. She’s a very interesting woman and keeps me on my toes. We talk about anything of interest and don’t feel the need to fill the empty spaces of silence with noise. Take note, that’s an important aspect of being with someone else, you will not always have something intelligent or worth while to say, sometimes saying nothing means more.

Friday night I did try to impress. I picked her up at her place, she was looking very pretty and I took her to a little Italian place near me called Giuseppe’s which has great food and they tend to feed you like they love you, if you catch my drift. Then one of her friends started texting us.

Meet Yeti. Yeti is a twenty year old guy who doesn’t have many friends his age. Amy has basically adopted him as one of her kids. He’s bright, funny and twenty. Don’t get me wrong I’m not age discriminating but there’s things I’ve picked up from him that raise a bit of a flag and then there’s things from him that I’ve found that just make me scratch my head. He’s recently been dumped by his current sweetheart and is going through the ‘no one will love me’ blues. I don’t need to tell you guys what it was like to be 20. A month was an eternity.

I had spent some time with her during the week but in the company of friends. We hadn’t really gone out on a DATE since the week prior and while I love socializing, I want to get to know someone better and that’s something that you do alone. Over dinner, drinks, a walk or what have you. He was lonely and wanted us to go see Hellboy 2 with him. Any other time I might have taken him up on it, it’s a movie that I’m interested in but really, I’m seriously more interested in getting to know Amy better…

Text Reply from Yeti: What’s up with you guys? Why are you being anti-social?

Okay, anyone who’s started seeing someone can attest that being told you’re anti-social is NOT okay. You both try to find that balance between the friends and lifestyle you were leading and the person you’re interested in and they’re schedule. I did invite both Yeti and Amy over to my place the Wednesday before. We played Scrabble, talked shit, laughed a lot and they both left at the end of the night. The day after that I met her step kids and we spent time playing with them and such… then I went home, alone. So far as we are both concerned, we’ve been good.

We tell him so and move onto the dinner. Which was divine and as we’re sitting there enjoying this meal, we both keep thinking about Yeti. Because we can both hear him calling out for help in his own way. He’s hurting and has no one to turn to. We’re the only friends he has close to his age. So we’ve been at dinner for maybe forty minutes when we both decide, let’s make an exception. Just this once, we’ll go ahead and answer his call for help on our night together and help him through his rough patch.

We went to see Hellboy 2 (when we decided to help him we had to grab our food and run, it was a half hour drive to a movie that started in 45 minutes) and it sucked. Yes I said it, don’t go see it, rent it. I wanted to walk out of the movie, which never happens.

After the movie we went to Shari’s (Think Denny’s if you don’t know what I’m talking about) ordered some desert and talked him out of his blues. It was after 1am when we were said and done with him. Do you have any idea how sad that is? Talk about a date killer.

There in lies the rub with Yeti. While I think he’s a cool kid, he can very easily be a 3rd wheel. I’m affectionate but doing it around him feels odd so we’re more like little friends. He watches us. Which brings me to my next little bother.

He’s into Amy. Amy, sweetheart that she is, doesn’t see it. She doesn’t have a very high self esteem; much like me I suppose and doesn’t see where he would. I pointed it out to her over dinner not long ago, before I met him based off of the things that she told me. I told her for two reasons.

One – I need to know the playing field. If I don’t know what I’m getting into, then I’m going to have issues. It’s bad enough that you’re trying something new but if you’re doing something new and you’re already behind the eight ball of some unrequited love, well then you’re hosed.

Two – If I was already picking up on it and I hadn’t met him, it was a strong thing. If I waited to tell her until AFTER I met him, it would seem like some petty boyfriend thing instead of what it was, truth. The truth was and to some extent is, that he’s taken with her. The question of why doesn’t factor in because, she’s easy to be taken by.

So part of my reason for helping him is because honestly I like the guy. In any different situation I might have been good buds with him off the start but because of how we met, I think we’re both playing with kid gloves. The other part is, regardless of whether he’s taken with Amy or not, she cares about him like a son, that’s enough for me to care about him as a person.

Saturday was a little different. I helped clean her cottage for a bit and then she had some things to do and Travis and Jen wanted to hang out with me so we went out separate ways and then my ex called.

The funny thing about an ex sometimes is that no matter how happy you are at the moment they call you, they’re able to bring you down from that cloud in about 2 seconds and remind you just how shitty they made you feel. Moreover it’s like being in a meery-go-round without the merry involved since all they want to talk about is why you can’t give them another chance. Why you feel it’s never going to work. How they forgave some little thing in your past and this is the same thing, which it’s not.

So she asked me again, “Why can’t you?”

“Aside from the abuse and all the other crap? Okay, let me put it in perspective. Let’s say you catch me cheating, you’re going to be pissed BUT you know that if you give me another chance, well there’s a better chance of things working out. You’ll keep tabs on me and I’ll be remorseful and unwilling to do that again. If it was an affair, I could forgive it and move on. This isn’t an affair, it’s something worse. I can’t keep constant tabs on what you’re taking or how often. I can’t be with your 24/7 to ensure that you don’t relapse and I sure as shit can’t be the person you turn to all the time to tell you what to do and how to do it. I don’t trust you.”

Since then she’s chilled out some. I don’t get as many texts and she doesn’t call. I felt like I should help her with money but I don’t want her to keep thinking that it means we might get back together. She may just go the way of the Dodo. Time will tell.

Silver lining – Grey Cloud.

The Silver Lining...

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So yesterday I bitched and moaned. No one really liked that, at least I didn’t so today I’m going to something a lot more creative and happy. I did something like last week that I haven’t done in a LONG time. I went out on a date.

It’s been over eight years since I’ve gone a date with a complete stranger. Someone who I didn’t know personally already and was introduced to by a friend who thought we would hit it off. It’s not that I don’t like that type of thing, just well, you know how it is. Personally I don’t date around, I pick a lady and see where it leads, always been my M.O.

Her name’s Amy. She’s a bit of an oddity but in a good way. Our first date we went to Denny’s (Which I hadn’t eaten at in a very long time) where we sat and talked for about six hours before I figured out I should go home because I had work the next day. She’s a free spirit, does a lot of community work and doesn’t rely on alcohol or meds to keep her world going. (Can you say relief?)

We’ve spent some time together. She’s met my friends, as few as they are, and I’ve met her friends…which seems like the whole state. You ever watch a western? Where there’s the bar maid that’s beautiful in an untraditional way? Yea that’s Amy. I remember the first time she was messing with her hair (she’s got red hair) and she picked it up, and looked at me a certain way and it was like sitting in the old west, very cool.

Rambling. Anyway the purpose of THIS post was to show that there is a silver lining in every situation. This is obviously a fun person I’m hanging with as I’m not looking for anything either serious or long term but what she has helped me learn is that I still am someone that others want to meet.

Don’t forget that in your own situations. While you might be up against a wall now…there’s always tomorrow and it may be brighter indeed.

I pray for love, light and laughter for you all this weekend. Have fun guys, enjoy your lives. I’ll be back next week.

The dinner, the aftermath

There are times when I think that we do things even knowing that no matter how much you wish it, the outcome will not change. You look at our childhood, when we first start learning about gravity. In that instance of life we continue to drop toys off the side of the crib in hopes to see if there will be a different outcome than the usual dropping of the toy onto the floor and away from our grasp.

Later on we push boundaries constantly with our parents to see what we will and won’t get away with. Sometimes trying the same thing over and over again thinking that it’ll change something and it doesn’t. We’re still grounded for misbehaving or touching something that we aren’t supposed to.

High school, same thing really, we cut class and expect not to get caught. We cheat off our friend’s exams and get caught. We drink, we smoke, we have sex, get caught, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars and go directly to “you’re Grounded!”

Some things don’t stick it seems. Even though I know that there’s things that doing over and over again will never change the outcome I continue to do it.

Case in point, just this past Monday.

NOTE: I actually had an incredible weekend, met some awesome people and a very interesting young lady but all of that got tossed aside because of the story I’m about to tell. It’s amazing how ONE event can really change your outlook so incredibly fast. I know some will completely relate and others will think it’s silly. I need to get it out either way, it’s eating me up.

The long weekend behind me and I managed to put off the one thing I was dreading and kept rescheduling… dinner with M. Against my better judgment and the advice of ALL my friends, I went to eat with her last week. It was something quick, less than an hour. However, whatever I thought was no big deal wasn’t seen that way by M. This is my mistake and I’ll take it.

I don’t burn bridges. I hate doing it. You never know what life might bring and losing friends is worse than losing family. You know? So I’ve tried to keep it civil. I’ve called for J every night to wish him good night. I’ve given her some money when she’s short, little things. In the past week however the whole trust thing sparked in the back of my mind. How much trust can one person have? How much do they lose after something like this? Could I ever trust them enough again to want to share my life with them and not have that one thing looming over me incredibly high, like a guillotine about to come down on my neck?

Relationships and trust are hard enough. When there’s a history though? A history of hurt? How much is enough?

So I agreed to dinner and said, we’d do it right after I got out of work. I did this because I know that if I went back to my place, something would distract me and I wouldn’t make it. I’d find an excuse. I’m driving to the restaurant. (I wasn’t going to meet at her place) and my phone starts blowing up with texts:

“Where are you?”
“Are you almost here?”
“How much longer?”
“How much further?”
“What’s taking so long?”
“Are you still coming?”

This would not have bothered me if I was ignoring her but I had already let me know that I was on my way and yet here she is just being aggressive. Now I’m starting to get into a mood.

I get to the restaurant and I see she’s already sitting down and has ordered soft drinks for both of us. She’s got her make up done and her hair and she’s wearing an old shirt of mine. She’s got a twinkle in the eye and she’s all cheery. This is not good.

I am broken. She shattered me. I know this now. I’ve thought about it, digested it and even thinking about it now makes me want to curl up and cry. I gave this woman EVERYTHING that I had, was and earned. Nothing was too much. If I didn’t have it, I’d go out and find a way to have the means to get it. I live for who I’m with, I always have. It’s my nature and I don’t apologize for it. By the same token, I want to feel like it’s appreciated. It wasn’t there at the end. The last two years I held on in the hopes that it would get better. It didn’t it got worse and by the time I left, I felt drained in a thousand ways. If I had been smart I would have taken some time off of work and handled it. I wasn’t and instead it hits me every so often. Even in my highest moments now, I can be brought down low by the failure of my life.

So as I sit across the way from her and I visualize every single thing that she did or didn’t do. I remember every night that I cried. I remember every time that I felt alone and helpless. I remember it all. And my heart breaks again. (Writing this it’s breaking again but I have to get it out.)

Then she starts telling me how she wants another chance. How she wants to move out of her mother’s house, maybe get a job and make another go of it. She won’t let me down. She’s learned her lesson and it’s time to try and move forward together again.

I can’t.

I’m sorry. I really am. I know that some may read this and consider me to be making the wrong choice but I can’t. To think everyday that perhaps she’s slipping a little more. That perhaps the day was too hard on her and instead of coming to me and telling me, she goes and just takes more meds. It’s a mustard seed that’s been firmly planted in my mind and how exactly do you get it out? You can’t.

I’ve spent the better part of a week trying to get this all down. Trying to digest it and be able to make it understandable for everyone who’s reading it. I don’t have anything to hide from you guys. Every time I’ve sat down to write this, I’ve felt poisoned and had to stop. I want to finish this now.

Somehow she had held hope that I was going to change my mind. That I was going to decide that being without her was too hard but really the longer I go without her in my life the better off I am. I know that now.

With all my heart I tried to be nice about it. But she pleaded and wanted to know why, that’s when I started crying. That’s when I lost it. The tears were tears of sadness and of anger. Here was the woman that I had given everything to and she was acting like I could forgive something so massive. How can I? She even asked me who had changed my mind about getting back together. No one changed my mind, it had always been set and I thought I had made it clear but I guess I was wrong.

The meal didn’t last 20 minutes. She barely touched her food and said she didn’t want to sit there anymore and hear all these bad things about herself.

I have a soft heart and I told her we could remain friends and she asked why I could remain friends but not more. Honestly? There’s less risk with a friend. You don’t want them to ruin their lives but you can only help so much. With a lover, partner or wife, it’s so much different. You feel responsible for that person. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Having that dinner has really torn me up. I haven’t been the same since. Knowing that much now, realizing just how MESSED UP that all was, it tears me up inside and I do my best not to freak out.

I’ll do another entry tomorrow and introduce you to someone new. Come back soon?

Weekend Warrior..

Weekends are where we do most of our living. We go out with friends, take care of errands and sometimes find ourselves helping others that asked for a hand. This weekend was the fourth since I decided to try liberty. It was a mixed bag weekend as things were good, bad and just straight up odd. I’m going to try and get you guys up to date about what’s going on in my life and how I feel about it. It seems like while I originally started this blog to talk about WoW it’s mutated into something completely different. I do hope that those of you that stumbled in at the beginning continue to read these misadventures that I call life.

Friday: Out of all three days that I’m going to talk about this one was the one that reached complete mixed bag feel. The first thing obviously is that I went into work. It was an extremely slow day that made me want to pluck my eyes out with a spoon. What made it worse was that I had a date after work… but it wasn’t my date at all. One of my co-workers met a chap on Match.com a couple weeks earlier and they had spent time emailing back and forth until they decided it was time to meet. But she didn’t want to go out alone, she wanted a shadow. Someone she could call in case she got into some trouble. So I was asked to take on this duty.

There were a couple things that bothered me about this outing. The first and foremost was that my co-worker hadn’t even spoken to this guy on the phone once. So there was no clear way of knowing whether they could hold a complete conversation without email in the way. They were both going in pretty much blind as far as personality. The first thing they were going to do on their first date is go to a movie. So they’d be sitting next to each other for an hour and a half without having had a true first conversation.

My idea for them was to maybe start by meeting for coffee and talking, if that worked then dinner, and then a movie. Give them a chance to get to know each other before being stuck in a dark room side by side with each other.

Obviously that didn’t happen. So I was stuck watching The Love Guru (Horrible movie) with two people that hadn’t ever been near each other. I did touch base with her again today since she felt that the date was going well enough that she didn’t have to have me around as security anymore and she said that words that all men dread, “He was nice, almost too nice.” Words that will put you into the friendship category for life.

So after that was done I jaunted back to my local stomping grounds. The ex wanted to have dinner with me. Yes I realize that I am setting myself up with this one. I understand that I’m putting myself in unnecessary harm by even being near her, let alone listening to what she might have to say. She broke down a couple times. Of course I was there for her, I’m not heartless and I think that’s my problem. She’s asked for my help in some odds and ends type things and I’ll oblige her as much as I can without putting myself at risk.

A couple of things that she told me that I found interesting. You all know I’m a pastor. I’ve never made it a secret, I believe and that’s all there is to it. My style of belief takes the laws of the Bible and shows them to people in a modern setting so that they’re better understood. My friend Travis has even told me he enjoys talking Spirituality with me because I don’t make it sound like anyone’s going to hell if they have the right foundation, and he’s right because it’s what I believe. (I’m not going to go deep into this; I’m just setting up groundwork.) Her family has always been a strong point in her life. She’s always felt that having those ties was incredibly important. Well from what she told me during this dinner, her family has all but turned their back on her. They’ve told her that if she’s not able to keep the marriage together, then she’s going to HELL…

Now look, she’s not perfect, none of us are. Her choices have sucked and yes she has made it to the point where I had to RUN away and hide from her because each and every minute with her made me cry. Do I hate her? Not a bit. I hate the choices that she made. I hate the fact that I came in second in her life to the medications that are slowly killing her. I hate the fact that I wake up some days and I feel like I’m never going to be enough for anyone because of it. You know? With all of that though, even though I’m never going back to the marriage that I left, I want nothing but the best for her. I want her to be healthy. I want her to strive to be better, to heal herself and eventually become someone I can trust in my life again. You know? How can a person’s own family tell them they’re going to hell? I mean, really? How is that helpful in the state of mind that they’re in? So because of all of that, it appears that she’s realized that her family is full of zealots. Personally, it’s not a dynamic I ever want to be involved in.

The other thing that came out is that she understands why it happened. She knows that really, in the scheme of things I did the best I could for as long as I could. Talking it out she was honest and told me that she didn’t think she could have done it for as long as I did. She tried to say that it was sudden but then when I broke it down for her again, showed her how things went and that I gave her a full month to get her life in order before I made the split and nothing changed, that was when I finally gave up and moved on.

It seems that her mother wants to speak with me but honestly, I have nothing left to say to her. I feel like I’ve spent almost ten years listening to someone give me advice that they had no real clue about. It’s still a stigma that is going to take me a long time to get over, if ever.

I ended the day on a high note. After I left the dinner with the ex, I went to a new tattoo parlor. One of the artists and I had been communicating back and forth for the better part of a week to get our schedules together and get a tattoo done. A couple of years ago I got one. It’s a cross, with a halo and wings behind it. It sits on my right upper arm. That one was about faith, belief and love. This second one I received was about something a little different. The first reason I got it was freedom. I wanted something to show the date that I moved on and worked on finding myself again. Its three Kanji symbols and they represent Bushido. Bushido is the word that signifies the Code of the Samurai. It’s something that I’ve always felt that I try to abide by. I put others before me and the like. So that just went on my right upper arm to remind me of the code of my life and of when it was that I decided, I needed to be myself again.

Saturday: Really if I could go back and not do something, I would just skip this whole day. Jen finally got a new place and we picked this as the move date. It worked out schedule wise because we would have the main three people available to do the work at the same time. What we didn’t realize when we made this decision is that it would be the hottest day of the year to date. To put it in perspective, when I checked the thermostat at 9pm, when we were still moving, it clocked in at 107 degrees…

We got off to a late start because Travis needed to go see his grampa so we didn’t start putting together the first batch of things until well after 2 pm. When we go to her old place we realized something immediately, she hadn’t packed. This made it even more difficult. Now if we were just moving her, we could’ve survived but unfortunately that was the case either. We also had to help move her daughter and Jen’s dad. Her dad lived through the great depression which means that he hoarded and became a pack rat afterwards. He had two big dressers, one full of clothes and one full of unknown things like paperwork, gadgets that had died long ago and empty containers of things that had no name. One of his dressers alone weighed a good four hundred pounds.

We moved from 2pm to about 11pm. Several trips, trucks and beers later Jen’s stuff had been moved to her new place of living. I didn’t stay long enough to help her set up anything because honestly, I was exhausted.

The heat never subsided. No matter how late it got during the night, that heat was always there. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. So I went about 30 hours before I was finally able to get a nap…

Sunday: Do I even need to tell you that I spent most of the day vegging? I am actually STILL sore lol. I took a lot of Advil, rubbed my tattoo a lot and slept as much as I could. The weekend was a rollercoaster. It really was. By the time it was all said and done, really all I wanted was to stay in my room and forget about life.

M wanted us to try dating. I’ve told you guys before that I’m not keen on it. After our dinner she felt like it was permission to text me day and night about nothing. Yea, I don’t see that happening. She wants to remain friends but how do you do that exactly in this type of situation?

Man, life’s just odd. I’m moving this week. I’ll see if I can’t post a picture of my tattoo at some point. Be well guys.

Rebuilding.

The weekend for the most part was a blast. I had a fun time and really overall enjoyed my time with my friends. Friday was mellow. I went to Travis’ house. We drank some beer, ate some hot wings and just watched the day drain away into night and talked about everything and nothing at once. It was short of awesome. Really the only thing that would have made it better is if Travis was a girl.. lol… yea I’m sorry I just like women.

Saturday things got a bit rocky. I had been avoiding talking to my ex. The reason for it is quiet simple. It’s harder to feel free when you’re talking or seeing the person you want to be free of on a regular basis. However I do have a duty to J, who’s been asking for me. So I went to see them. J was happy to see me; the rest of her family was there but didn’t say a word to. Amazing how they ‘accept’ you once you’re with them but the moment that you think things are going south and you want to leave they all turn their backs on you. I expected it.

M wanted to walk around the pond that’s behind the house for a little bit and talk to me. So we did. I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I left my house. I feel like that part of my life had been broken and to wear something from an institution that I currently feel is complete crap would be a straight lie. That was the first thing she noticed.

I want you guys to know that when I left the house I was sure it was permanent. This wasn’t something temporary or something that I was going to rethink, it was what it was. As I was driving into work today I was listening to the local radio station and they were talking about something I could relate to. Rebuilding. People rebuilding their lives at some point in life because of things that have gone on. I’m rebuilding right now, remembering who I am, what I enjoy, what it’s like to not have to worry about the decisions of others that might be life threatening to them or to others.

So I walked and we talked and her speech went something like this to me:

“I know I messed up. I know that I took advantage of you, that I was lazy, that I took you for granted and that you gave me so many chances before you made this choice but now I’m ready. I want you to give me another chance to prove to you that I can be a good spouse and that I can be the woman you need me to be.”

First: let me point out that telling me you KNOW what you did wrong, really doesn’t make me feel like I can trust again. If anything else it brings to the forefront every single thing that I thought during the marriage and proves me right because you’re saying you did it. It put my walls up in a manner so fast that I didn’t know I was doing it. It just happened impulsively

Second: while a part of me would LOVE to believe her and not feel like I’ve had to leave a marriage… I can’t trust her. Why? Because this song has been played for me before and eventually, it goes back to the way it was. It’s something I’m not willing to do, not for anyone, not having learned that lesson the hard way. Would I be daft enough to fall for it again?

I did the only thing I could do, I called Ryan. I broke it down for him and everything that I thought. His thoughts were the same as mine; there was no way to know for sure that the leopard had changed its spots. Honestly it’s been less than a month and she thinks that she can handle it? No, that’s just not right; it doesn’t make sense to me. If anything I would be asking for more time to get my shit together, not begging for the other person to come back.

I’m trying guys. I feel like I’m making the right choices. At the end of the month I’m moving closer to work, which will help with the use of gas and the saving of money. I know that chapter is done… it’s the unknown that I have to face now.

Difficult

I think there may be some that read this blog that can attest that walking out of a relationship that was in the state mine was in is still incredibly hard. You feel, even if you shouldn’t, that you could have done more. That you are to blame for all the short comings in your partner and in your relationship in general because its human nature to feel flawed. We are built that way, to take the blunt of the errors that are made by us and around us. You look at children of divorce, those that are old enough to know what’s going on, and they blame themselves for the misfortune of their parents. Kids always find a way to blame themselves; they MAKE it their fault if we allow them to.

There’s a reason why I’m writing this but as you all know I always take the long way around when I’m in a mood. I’m at work this morning. Exhausted because yesterday was my late day and then I had to get up early today and come right back in. I’m walking around in a semi conscious state getting the patients checked in, taking money and occasionally throwing out a good funny comment. I end up going to the bathroom and as I’m standing there something dawned on me. I’m pretty sure that my anniversary was this last weekend.

I’m going to let that sink in for a moment.

I’ve been in such a relaxed state the last few weeks after my decision; I’ve come home and been able to spend fun times with my friends. I’ve been able to not worry about what’s going on at home. I’ve been able to go to sleep when I wish. Food is not an issue, I can cook for myself or I can eat out. I don’t have to have four different voices telling me they want something different.

So I’m standing there and this is dawning on me and I kept waiting for that pang, or the tears or the hurt and I got nothing. I have the thought that there was a day in the weekend that meant something to me in the past but now is a distant memory.

You must understand that I’m a romantic. I’ve never forgotten an anniversary. I’ve never forgotten a birthday. I’ve always had things planned that I thought would show my interest, affection, care and love but this year it wasn’t even a memory that crossed my mind. How does that speak to my mind set? How does it speak to my state of mind for that matter? Some might consider that I’m going through a mid life crisis and that I’m trying to recapture my youth but if anything else I’m trying to recapture my adulthood. I’m not afraid of responsibility… as long as the responsibilities are mine and not thrust on me because of situation.

I know I need to go talk to her and I said I was going to the other day but you know what? I decided I didn’t want to. There were other things that I could be doing and did do instead of going in for a guilt trip with tears, screams and recriminations. I chose to live my life instead.

There are some things that you’ll never be able to get around during a break up. Some things that are completely out of your control, the biggest of which is how you’re painted at the end of anything that was long term and is ending in a manner that doesn’t end in one of you dying… that was a joke J.

I’m reminded of Jerry Maguire when it comes to break ups. You know after he’s taken to lunch and fired after people read his manifesto? He’s running back to his office, his ‘buddy’ Sugar strolling casually. Both are calling their assistants and contacting Jerry’s clients, see which side of the split they end up on. Jerry ends up with two clients out of what seems like fifty. He’s crushed and defeated but as he walks out of his office to a silent bullpen full of staffers he says, “I’m not going to do what everyone expects me to do, which is FLIP OUT! I’m just going to ask one thing. One thing. Who’s coming with me?”

That’s what friends go through with a break up. They’re asked in subtle ways which way they’re going to go when things break. I haven’t had to do that. My friends have, gracefully, remained loyal to me the entire time that I’ve been married.

So let’s look at the list:

Jen and Travis – This is a given that they will remain my friends. Out of all of the ones that I have, they’ve been the ones that I have turned to constantly in this last six months and have given a helping hand or ear.

Ryan and Kristin – Ryan is my oldest friend. I’ve watched him grow up and would have been willing to adopt him if push came to shove, that’s how much I love the kid. His wife understands that our friendship goes deep enough that when I needed a place to crash neither hesitated… plus they uninvited her to the wedding…so, natch

Peter and Tanya – Peter is a nurse like M, they met in nursing school so he’s one of her oldest friends. When we first got married he didn’t like me, as time’s gone on though we’ve begun to respect each other. When things were going down hill a couple years ago he asked the tough question for the first time, “Is she a drug addict.” Then he recommended help. I don’t know which way he’ll land. He might land in both camps.

Her Family – Do I really even have to get into it? LOL

My Family – Could thankfully care less what happens to me and never liked M cause she’s white (We’ll talk about it another time.)

You know what’s sad? That’s the extent of the friends that know my wife. Not because I wasn’t willing to take her out but because, well, she just didn’t go out. She’d rather be home. There’s other people that I would consider acquaintances really, they probably don’t care.

Thing is that I’m going to go to each of these people and ask for their allegiance. They’re going to believe what they will. They will know the score when push comes to shove but for the moment? I want to see what they’ll do. People show their true colors when things happen. I’ve become a lot more relaxed, like I used to be. M has become extremely high strung and dependent, MIL has become a raging dragon from which there is no escape, willing to say anything to hurt.

There’s one other thing that I want to broach with you guys.

I have an enormous heart. I’m sure that it’s something you’ll have to take my word for. M doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like she ever will. I don’t want to leave her high and dry with a bunch of bills…. But how much help is okay before its enabling or worse. . Does that make sense? I have to admit that I feel responsibility for her but how much is just responsibility and how much is just being silly and doing too much?

Has anyone gone through this that can maybe shed some light?

Realization

Me, Travis and Jen

The Dirty Half Dozen (go with me on this) Brandon, Mandy, Tracey, Josh and Tommy

How was your weekend Loyal Reader? Hopefully wherever in the world that you are, you’ve had a good time, enjoyed your life and haven’t put yourself in hock doing it.

So this begins week 3 of this little thing called my life. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you have to go back and read some of my other posts. A recap would take just as long to type up as this post will and I just don’t want to fully relive it, so I hope you understand.

In any event, let me fill you in on what’s going on so that you know how I’m doing. I’m still living at my friend Ryan’s house. I’m waiting for my room to become available at the one place but it seems that Ryan and his wife, Kristin, miscalculated finances and me being there has given them a little more money that they weren’t sure they were going to have. In a sense I’m helping them as they help me, that is a blessing. I usually only show up to sleep and shower, I do eat with them when I get the chance but because Ryan works security and has odd hours, it doesn’t happen often. It’s an interesting dynamic but thankfully we don’t get on each other’s nerves. I may be there another week, to help them but also because that room is still up in the air. (just waiting on the one guy to move out but he’s firmly ENTRENCHED…)

This weekend was a BLAST! You can not even being to know the fun that I had, well wait, you will know cause I’ll tell you! Friday was a mellow night, I went over to a friend’s house because she had just gotten bad news that some of her relatives had gotten into a fatal car wreck and needed some laughs, of course I’m the person to call. We went out had some food and started watching a mini series called, the 10th Kingdom. If you’ve never watched it, it’s out on DVD and very entertaining.

Saturday night I was asked to go Glow Bowling. I don’t know if this happens everywhere but here in Oregon, many of the bowling alleys shut down the lights, turn on some black lights and let you bowl for two hours, non stop for 12 dollars a head. It’s a lot of fun, good music and silly times. We had a pretty big group that night.

Cast of characters:
Brandon – 25 year old guy. Gamer, mainly XBOX 360, seems okay, this is the first time that I’ve met him. I have to admit that he seems a little arrogant but had his good moments.
Josh – 27 year old guy, brother to Brandon, also a gamer. A LOT more mellow, the personality he carries is very much my own, tongue in cheek, catch a joke at the spur of the moment and Pendleton drinker. Excellent guy and someone that I wouldn’t mind hanging with regularly.
Mandy – 20 year old girl, sister to Josh and Brandon. Tiny little thing full of piss and vinegar. I would not want to cross her on a bad day. Seems to have a nice heart and a good idea of where she wants her life to go. Second most outgoing of the three siblings.
Tommy – 22, dude. Mandy’s boyfriend. This Mo-hawked guy has some ties to some not so nice people in Oregon but he struck me as genuine and I liked that about him. He drives a beat up Supra that will blow its seals if it goes past 110. (heh)
Tracey – 35, lady. I met her a week or so prior and we decided to hang out. Very nice person, funny and feisty. She’s a person you want on your side, and one you’d regret to have against you.
Travis – I’m sure you’ve heard about him.
Jen – You’ve heard about her.
Me – Duh.

So we met at Brandon and Josh’s house and headed over to the bowling alley from there. Now you have to know by now that I enjoy having fun. To me having fun is just as much watching a movie as it is going out to have drinks. Tracey hadn’t been out in a while so we got some pints of alcohol, Skyy Vodka and Pendleton. I figured, shots for everyone who wanted it and we wouldn’t spend much at the bowling alley.
Jen and Travis are always fun, especially when they’ve got some drinks in them. What I didn’t know was that Tracey was also that way LOL.
We were there until 1am. Had a blast, we took several pictures of the event, simply because it was that fun lol.

On Sunday I went to a Softball double header. Travis is part of a beer league and we decided to give him his own little cheering section. Oregon’s finally getting sun in for the summer so we had the ability to enjoy the nice weather and watch the game. I got a little darker since I don’t burn and it looks good.

The fun that was had wasn’t because we were blitzed, at least I wasn’t. It was because we were with friends and honestly, family, that’s what friends up becoming if you give them the chance. I didn’t stare at my computer screen for hours on end, I enjoyed the time given to me and my friends to the hilt.

I’ve taken a step back from playing so much, the majority of why is because I have a social life now. Something that I haven’t had in a long time. It’s rejuvenating and refreshing.

I will say this though. I didn’t go over to M’s house once this weekend, I didn’t even think about it. I won’t say that it’s not still a fresh wound but it is one that’s scabbing over if I don’t sit there and pick at it. I’m not heartless, not in the slightest. Seriously though, not having to worry about stupid non sense and what’s going to happen tomorrow is enlightening. I did get a call from M this morning. She was in tears and asked why I hadn’t come over during the weekend. I explained to her that I had other things to do and really hadn’t dwelled on it.

At the moment she’s trying to convince me to give her another chance. Now she believes that if we move out of her mom’s house and have our own place that it will solve the problems that are currently plaguing us. She feels that she’s seen the error of her ways and that I should give it another go.

I don’t see myself doing that. You have to understand, for those of you thinking I’m evil, that making the move that I did, it really, it really took a long time for me to do. It’s not something that I decided overnight or something that I came to lightly. It’s about my sanity. I don’t care who you are there’s only SO much you can take at any given time and I went well beyond it. The fact that I had to leave for her to get the message to me, it’s heartbreaking. I have to be away from her to understand just how messed up the situation is. Add to that the fact that I’d be going back without knowing for SURE what was going to happen with her. There would always be that gnawing in the back of my head that I didn’t know everything, that everything could crumble again at the drop of a hat… then what would I do? I don’t know that I’d have the courage to pull this off again and I know that while my friends love me and respect all my decisions, I would be doing the same thing I complain about. I would be someone who’s enabling, someone who sees all the angles but doesn’t have the nuts to play one.
I don’t see her in the big picture at the moment. I’m sure that time has passed. I will mourn the relationship, who doesn’t. I can’t go back though. That’s just me. As always you’re willing to give me your opinion. You guys, the readers, you guys inspire me as you continue to read this blog even though it’s gone well past what it used to and I appreciate all the input I get, because I know that there’s different ways to handle things, people view life differently. You need that to make an educated decision. Thank you all.

Week 2

There’s little that I dislike more than lies. I’ve had a run in with a few in my life that have been complete whoppers. I’ve told some in the past that could reflect badly on me now if they came back to haunt me honestly. But I try to walk in a way that allows me to not have to sit and lie constantly. Yes I admit that I’ve lied for my wife when the time came but it’s something I just don’t like.

All that being said I went to get some more things from my wife’s place this last weekend. At the moment I’m staying with my friend Ryan and while I’m not staying there permanently, I still needed more clothes and the like. I’ll tell you that going in to see her was like pulling teeth. I didn’t like being there for one. It felt alien to me, like I was crossing some threshold that I shouldn’t have dared step over. I also felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Her family hasn’t had very many nice things to say about me since I left while I’ve tried to keep my nose clean of the mud slinging. The word ‘Mooch’ came up but I don’t know if they realize what that word means. To me, a mooch is someone who takes without offering anything in return. Living off your good graces until you have none of those graces left and then you’re forced to exile them to some remote island where they eat mooch brains. I’ve been nothing but a provider to these people but still I’m defaced and defiled. It doesn’t leave me for wanting to be in their presence anymore.

I went to her house at a moment when I knew that she would be the only one there with the J, the three year old. When I walked in I gave her a hug and gave him a ride on my shoulders, it was nice to be able to interact with him again. Then two things happened with her alone that truly irked me.

1) Ryan’s wedding was two weeks ago. I was invited and so was M but because of the condition she was in and the choice that I was soon going to be making the decision was made by Ryan and his wife Kristin to un-invite M. Now this is something that they told me exclusively, they wanted me there for their big day but they wanted me to be happy, something that they knew wouldn’t happen if I let her tag along with me. I never told anyone this. I never breathed a word of it and just told them all that I decided to go on my own. The about a week ago M told me that her sister T got a call from Ryan telling her that M wasn’t invited to the wedding and that he was calling to let her know. Thing is, Ryan doesn’t have T’s cell phone number. More over, he wouldn’t want to stir that pot knowing that things weren’t going well. So I called her on that and it silenced her. Sunday though she tried to spin a yarn about how Kristin, Ryan’s wife had emailed her and told her she was invited to the wedding. Guys, I’m very open. I don’t deal with lies and secrets. I will confront the people I know with information I learn that I’m not okay with because I refuse to be complacent anymore when it comes to things that I don’t like. After a couple of minutes of pointed questions she conceded that it was a straight lie.

2) The other thing that happened was this. When we first got married I still had friends in Florida. One of them was someone I had known for a long time named Gaby. Gaby was like my sister. She was about eight years older than me and had my quirky sense of humor. We knew when we met that we’d never be anything more than friends but relished our time together. It was fun. I would write her once a month about my exploits and then she would respond. When M and I decided to become and item I wrote Gaby a four page letter about it, talking about our history, how I felt about her and everything else. I never mailed it. Not because I didn’t want to but because the letter I had sent the month before had never gotten a response, so I was waiting for a response before I sent another letter on to her. Now from the way that M tells the story, she was packing some of my books (Even though none are currently packed) and the letter slipped out of one of them. She read it, misinterpreted the thing and then said that I never loved her. When I read it to her OUT LOUD and in the manner it was written, she realized her error.

That’s two things that just really set me off. If you’re trying to fix anything, why would you confront me with a misinterpretation on your part AND a lie? Really that doesn’t say much for her or how she thinks of me in my opinion.

Not long after that her sister and mother showed up. Now I’m going to admit a moment of complete weakness on my part earlier in the week, you can berate me if you wish but I’ve learned my lesson. She called me on Saturday night. She was more coherent and upset. We talked for a bit and she told me about their money woes. They hadn’t been able to make the mortgage payment for the month and were trying to make ends meet. I’m a sap and I have a big heart. I offered to help. I offered to move in for the rest of the month and use the money that was supposed to go for my rent to help them. In that way they wouldn’t feel so much of the pinch. She was happy, I was reserved and then I heard how they (her family) didn’t want me to move back in because I was a mooch… yea that went over like a ton of bricks.

As you can tell this is all incredibly new to me. I feel naïve and stupid at times. My friends have backed me up and are willing to continue to help me, for that I’m eternally grateful.

I know this. I know that I’m soured to marriage at this point. I feel like all I’ve done for the recent past is give and get back less than cipher and I don’t like that, not one bit. I know that it will take me a long time of licking my wounds to trust again, if ever. Don’t mention the word love around me, not if you value me as a person or a friend. I don’t buy it, not now.

I think this is one of the steps of grief, man do I hate it.

A Few Days In

If you had told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I’d call you a liar. It’s hard for to make changes in my life. I’m a very laid back person and I feel like, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It’s the mentality I’ve always had and sometimes it serves me well, other times… not so much. The complete direness of the situation that I was in recently was the only reason I squeezed myself out of it. Had it not been taking such a drastic turn in the short life of the relationship (Let’s be honest 6 years is not long at all) I would still be there trying to fight the good fight.

As it stands, I felt like General Custard or the guys in the Alamo. Not a good sign.

So now, we’re looking back at the first few days after the decision that will basically alter my life. There’s no way around it, straight up this is a life change.

I know two things for certain about me and as always I’m going to share it with you. I don’t handle stress well. In that sense I have to thank my mother and the women in my life for that. Seems it runs in the family. Now this doesn’t mean that I have little panic attacks or anything.

The first thing is my sleep cycle. I either tend to sleep more or not at all, which leads to very huge amounts of issues. I’m not comfortable no matter how I sleep or where I sleep, it just won’t come because I’m just so stressed.

The second thing is that I begin to pay many visits to the Porcelain God, not to throw up but to sit… you get it. Non-stop, all day, several days, NOTHING will fix it, cause it’s nerves. It’s the worst feeling in the world and it handicaps my ability to do anything. I can’t begin to tell you how helpless I feel when it happens.

With the size of the change that I just accomplished I expected to not sleep for days and just sit on the throne while I pray for slumber. I thought it would be so bad that I would have no choice but to go back, tail between legs and just take it.

Guys, neither of these things has happened to me. The first night I slept bad but it was because I had forgotten to bring my alarm clock with me and I kept waking up thinking I overslept. Since then, I sleep well, my stomach isn’t in knots and I’m not berating myself because I’ve done something unforgivable. I actually feel like I can accomplish anything right now.

That being said the only fear I still harbor, the thought of being alone. For now, I WANT to be alone. The last thing I need is another set of problems, but somewhere down the line I’m going to get that itch again and I wonder, I wonder if I’m damaged goods now and won’t be given the time of day.

Still, a thought for another day. Right now even though I’ve got cloudy skies outside my window at work, the future looks bright indeed.

Free Falling

Been a while hasn’t it? I know I promised to slow down on the personal stuff but I think you guys still deserve to know what’s going on with me especially since you’ve devoted time and attention to one guy’s life.

Yesterday I went ahead and moved out. I have to tell you that it wasn’t pretty, at all. The strange thing is that when I say it wasn’t pretty, it mainly had to deal with the MIL more than my wife. Can you imagine that? I’d spent the better part of two weeks explaining everything to my wife, breaking it down for her in a manner that I thought she would understand and in a mere ten minutes, the MIL went ahead and blew all that work out of the water by doing exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I don’t feel that I handled the last month the best way possible but it was the only way that I knew how to deal. I would go to work and then some friend’s house until about 9 to 10 and then head home. My logic was that I wouldn’t have to see my wife in that state and that I would not interfere as much in their life, knowing that I was leaving. Seems like I played it wrong because when the MIL started up on me the first thing she told me was that I was using them. That my behavior in the last month had been rude and disrespectful. (Side note: I had talked to her about a week earlier and apologized for the vanishing act. I had explained what was going through my head, I had told her how I felt and still, she didn’t get it.)

Even as I left the house and my wife KNEW, I mean she KNEW what my issue was; the MIL didn’t get it and still looked at me like a failure and a fraud.

I paid the month’s bills and left my wife some money for the month. It seems that that’s still a responsibility though I have to admit, I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to do that for. I mean honestly, she doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon and her mother’s looking at me like I’m a loser because of it.

Part of me wants to say that I would come back if she got all cleaned up but I don’t know that I would be able to share a roof with the MIL any longer after the words that we had yesterday.

So, your Shaman is currently spending some time with his best friend, who’s back from his honeymoon, until the room that I was promised is free and clear. I think the only concern that I currently have is that the MIL has threatened to toss all my stuff into the street on Thursday if I don’t pick it up by Wed…. where I’ll store that stuff until Sunday, I have no clue.

And there shall come a reckoning (100th post)

There is nothing better in the world than knowing what you’re going to do tomorrow.

So at the end of the month I’m moving out. It’s official. During this weekend I’ve had several heart to heart’s with members of the family. The problem with a situation like the one that I’m in is that everyone hears what they want to hear. It’s the bane of existence as far as I’m concerned. If we actually listened and heard what was intended I don’t think so many communication problems would arise.

My Wife, M, has been more lucid recently. The reason for it is that is because last Friday morning I found out that she had already taken her month’s worth of meds in the short order of two weeks. After that she called me at work and asked me to steal a script for her from my office so she could have more meds…do I even have to tell you that it would never happen? I know I didn’t.

So during the weekend, because she hasn’t taken as many meds, she’s been better. She’s asked questions about the future and what I’m thinking. She knew that there was an issue between us; I’m not cold hearted guys. I am still trying to help her, I still console her when she’s crying and take care of her, but honestly I’ve really already decided my course of action. It’s the certainty that next month will bring more of the same that brings me to the conclusion.

I finally managed to sit and talk to the MIL. I told her how I felt. Moreover I laid out the entire family dynamic for her in a fashion that would show that I wasn’t being selfish or looking for the perfect woman. I am doing it because I am honestly tired of being an enabler. Make no mistake friends, looking at the last several years I know in my heart that it is EXACTLY what I am. I have watched her continually do this to herself and have allowed it to happen. Yes I have argued and spoken to her about it but ultimately I have left the decision to her.

Think about the family dynamic. There’s me, I work extremely hard and until recently I was what many could consider a complete shut in. Yes I play WOW and collect comics but that was as far as my vices went. The MIL is at work full time, comes home to eat and then goes upstairs to do homework, so really she’s never there. T, the fifteen year old, is home schooled. So that means that she’s home during the day to take care of M when she goes into a ‘relapse’ and then when I come home she looks to me for guidance. M is usually comatose and J the three year old is being raised by myself and T for the most part.

You look at that dynamic and tell me that it’s healthy and I’ll call you a liar. There’s no growth involved as a person in any of those situations. How are we growing if we’re in damage control mode all the time? How is there growth where there isn’t any intra personal communication going on? There isn’t.

That’s the rub of it folks and when I laid it out there for the MIL like that, well she finally got with the program! Imagine that! We’ve had three interventions for M in the past year and a half. Each time she was given an ultimatum and each time she agreed ONLY to go back on her word within a matter of time.

Yea, it’s time for a change. I’ve explained it, just like I’ve explained it to you to all parties involved and they finally get it. I’ve already spoken with a friend and he’s willing to let me be his roommate, which will help with expenses for me. Plus I’ll have a bud with me most times than not and I won’t feel like an outcast.

I’ve started playing WOW again now that I feel like I know where I’m going and why. I find it fun again, so happy about that. I’m working on getting my Shaman up to something close to looking like he’s loved. My druid continues to be my main and I’m going to make him make me some money here soon!

So, there’s the crisis at the moment. M wants me to keep the door open to the future but I don’t know that she can kick the habit and I’m unwilling to be put in this situation again. I need to feel like I’m accomplishing something and right now, with where I am, that’s not happening.

Guys, I thank you for the time and patience you’ve shown me. You’ve sent some great emails that have given me the ability to struggle forward and advice that I’ve taken to heart. (I’m looking at you Dax, I spoke with the church, they understand and agree). From here on out, while I may still give updates, I’ll begin to focus on WOW some more. Be ready. The Shaman is in office.

Welcome back to the Carnival

To show you that no good deed goes unpunished…

I already told you that my MIL went and told my wife. It was an unresolved issue that I was struggling with. How do you go to someone and tell them that they’ve betrayed your trust, not once but twice.

I went home yesterday, its hockey season…and I love hockey. The Conference Finals started yesterday, Wings v. Stars. I turned it on to watch the last 20 minutes of the game. My wife was fast asleep on the couch, an image I’m all too familiar with. Her mom was home and this is the conversation we had:

“What do you think we should do? Do you think we should take her in?” Her

“Honestly, I have no clue.” Me

She went upstairs and got dressed and came back down and started to put her shoes on.

“You’re taking her in?” Me

“Well, you obviously don’t care!” Her

“What do you want me to say?”

“What do I want you to say? I want you to say, this is my wife, I’ll take care of her. This is my wife, let me take her in. This is my wife and she’s my responsibility. If you don’t want to be part of this family, grab your stuff and get out!”

“You have no idea what I do for her. You don’t know that at night I’m the only one that covers her up so she’s not cold. You don’t know that I’m the one that puts her legs on the bed so that she doesn’t wake up sore. Take her to the bathroom, get her water, you don’t know any of that so don’t tell me that I do nothing for her or that I don’t care about her.

“You want me to tell you to take her to the hospital or do it myself but I don’t know what the hospital is going to do. Give her more meds?” Me

“They’ll do a spinal tap and help her.” Her

“They won’t. She’s got medication on board to help with that and if they don’t feel that it’s an issue they won’t do it. So they’ll just give her meds, send her home and send me the bill.”

This whole time my wife in on the couch in and out of lucidity like a character from that movie Blow.

We decided to give it another day. Hope that she got better.

When I woke up today they were mad at each other. Her mother has been holding her narcotics for the month but it appears that even that hasn’t helped. She got her narcs filled on the 24th of last month, she only has five days left. So if you do the math, today is the NINTH. So she has until the 14th and then she’s out… she’s overtaken 10 days worth of meds.

But they are still telling me it’s not an issue and that she’s genuinely sick…

In the Cold

Things don’t always work out the way that you want them to. I’ll tell you from personal experience. I left my house when I was 14 because I couldn’t handle the type of life that my mom was living and I couldn’t handle the stress of the family I have. I’m not a loner, I can’t say that I’ve ever been one really, I enjoy the company of others and I’m always willing to help friends at the drop of a hat.

Still, it seems that even the best laid plans go to pot eventually. In my current situation I can’t say that I’m laying the best plans or any plans at all really but anything that I had been thinking about really has been put into question.

After my conversation with the MIL (Mother in Law), I didn’t do anything else. Why, you ask? Well simply put, while I’m not thrilled with the situation and it’s currently giving me gray hair, I wanted to wait to see if the Missuss would wake long enough for me to have a serious conversation with her to see if she would understand where I was coming from and why I was making the decisions that I was making. We’ve shared a lot together and she’s my best friend. I can’t imagine leaving her a “Dear John” letter for her to find and try to pick up the pieces with.

Yesterday she woke up for a little bit while I was getting ready for work. She retold me some stories that she had already told me earlier in the week and rehashed the same sentiments she had at that time. I listened and answered in the right places and everything else.

Her; “It feels like we’re not connected anymore.”

Me: “Well babe, we’re really not and we haven’t been in some time.”

She got quiet for a second and just watched me.

“I’m thinking about leaving.”

“I know, my mom told me last night when we were at the doctor’s office.”

Nothing hurts like a sack of bricks than hearing that one of the most intimate and important decisions in a relationship has already been discussed by someone else. Wouldn’t really bother me that they did talk about it but really, I hadn’t even talked to my wife yet and she had to hear it third party first. That’s not right or is it fair to her.

Tension at home I expected but what I find amusing is that the tension isn’t with my wife, it’s with her mother. I feel more and more like I made a mistake by being involved in a relationship where the mother is such an integral part of the relationship. I feel like I’ve failed at life currently. I’ve been led around the nose like a dog and I’ve got nothing to show for it expect emotional baggage.

How in the hell am I supposed to come home everyday knowing that there’s that one person that has betrayed my trust twice in as many days? I don’t even feel like I can be around the three year old for fear that I’ll do something wrong.
Some days… some days it’s harder to wake up than others

That could have gone better

So yesterday I told you about the decision that I came to, that I felt that I needed some space and I got the two reactions that I expected to get. Left field and right field, kind of like what I’m feeling right now.

I love Dax, he’s very honest and open and went right to the root of it, God and my son. Oddly enough those are the two things that I worry about myself. Can I even tell you that this whole situation to me is something that I prayed and hoped I would never have to deal with? Can I tell you that for as long as I can remember I always thought that divorce or separation was never the answer? Sometimes we can be naïve though can’t we?

The way our home life is built has three adults, a teenager and J, the three year old. There is always someone home for him, period. Mostly it’s two people with M being one and being passed out. So it’ll be me and M, or M and her mom, or M and her sister, with J always in tow. He is the jewel of everyone’s eye. He’s a awesome human being and a spunky little kid.

After I wrote up my little thing on here I got a call from my MIL that she felt that my wife needed to go back into the ER again. She was still mostly asleep, she was having difficulty with her balance and her mother was finally worried. She’s been this way for three weeks at this point.

So I’m on the phone with her mother. I’m listening and I’m talking and I realize that I really just need to say my piece and that I need to tell her what’s on my mind:
“Listen. I just, I need to tell you. I woke up this morning and I felt like I needed to make a choice and I feel like I need to get away.”

“You mean like leave?”

“Yea. You know just-“

“Then go. Leave.”

“Well that’s just it. I’m just wondering. I mean, I’m at peace with the decision and I’ve always felt that if a decision was wrong God would point that out, it wouldn’t sit right. If I’m at peace with it, what does that say, have we made the wrong choices with M?”
“You know, I don’t know. I know that the devil can make you feel peaceful and make it feel like its right even when it’s not.”

“I know but, it doesn’t feel like a spiritual conflict. It doesn’t feel like two sides, it just feels peaceful.”

“Well if you feel like you need to leave, then go. No one can stop you. God wouldn’t have loved Jesus any less if He hadn’t gone to the cross. But I’ll tell you this right now, I will fight you tooth and nail for J.”

(Keep in mind that I’m talking to my Mother in Law)

“Excuse me?”

“You made that boy sit and watch a hockey game with you for two hours on Saturday. That’s abuse.”

“What?”

“That’s abuse. Having a child sit still for two hours is abuse.”

“Hold it, back up. You realize that this has spun out like this and it didn’t come from me right? I was just talking, I needed a sounding board. You tell me you’re the Sheppard and that we should come to you. I’m coming to you and this is all that you have for me? Allegations? Really?”

“If you need to go, go. Not everyone is strong. You won’t be part of our ministry.”

“So what will I be?”

“That’s up to you. You wouldn’t be part of our ministry anymore.”

“You know. I always thought that I could come to you and talk to you like a friend and like a mom and a Sheppard but after this conversation I don’t know that I’ll ever really be able to trust you that way again.”

“Fine.”
Click!

That my friends, is a conversation that I’m going to have etched into my mind for the rest of my life and I wish it wasn’t. Why do you ask? Because really, for all intents and purposes for the last ten years, this has been my family. I don’t speak to my own family because of the mind games that they play. Now I’m staring down the barrel of something eerily similar happening here. So now I question myself and my ability to communicate with others.

Really should this be happening?

It appear that the well being of my child is in question when I come near him since I abuse him so badly.

I realize that my life is my own but that I have to answer for my actions in the long run. That there’s Someone up above that’s watching my decisions and seeing if I lead people astray and if I bring them closer to Him. This, however, this is something that I’m just looking at in complete disbelief.

People are flawed. God’s people even more so. He calls the flawed to Him. I know this for I am flawed like no one else but I can’t really sit here and rethink what I felt yesterday morning after a conversation like that. I really can’t.

When is it enough?

When is it enough?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself about the situation that I currently sit in. I’m sure that many of you can’t understand what I’m going through; I hope that for your sanity you never have to find out what it feels like to be me (Tom Petty). The crisis at hand isn’t one of faith, though that plays a hand, it’s one of self. Am I being true to myself? Am I being the type of person that in the long run will look back at my life and say, “I was happy.”

How am I? How are things?

Since I last went ahead and posted I will tell you that not much has changed. My day is the same, every day. I go to work, I put up a good front, I don’t want people to know how much I suffer. It’s one thing to put this on the internet where strangers and friends from afar can see my situation and comment on it. I can take that, I can’t take the look. You know the one, the one that you give friends going through a divorce, a death or a job loss. The look of pity and sadness that makes me want to cringe into a corner and pray to God that I’m never seen again.

After that I head home. Usually I buy dinner on the way home. I get home to my wife, my mother in law, my sister in law and my three year old. I buy them all food. I set up a dinner tray for my wife and watch as she takes two or three bites of whatever I bring home and dozes off doing it. Then after she realizes that she can’t eat, she asks for a bowl of cereal with milk which 9 times out of 10 ends up on her or the floor. My carpet will soon be rancid with the smell of spilled milk. I help put our three year old to bed and then take my wife upstairs, where she gets her last dose of meds for the night and put her to bed. This is at roughly 7:30pm in the evening. I am then confined to my bedroom because she might choke or cause a mess and I must make sure that I’m available to help. She doesn’t wake up again until about 4am when she wants to talk, or have me walk her to the bathroom, gets another does of medication and falls asleep again. I wake up at 6am, go through my morning routine and go back to work to do it all over again.

Yesterday I went to Blockbuster to return some movies and went to Best Buy to ogle all the new toys. I called after an hour to see if anyone wanted me to bring home dinner and the first thing I get from my MIL is that Mary has been calling me for an hour and that I haven’t responded. I tell her that’s not the case and even though I’m not lying I’m treated as if I am. Until Mary reads back the number she’s been dialing….her mother’s cell phone number.

She spilled bowls of cereal on herself twice this weekend.

So last night, after another midnight bathroom break I came to the conclusion that I can’t live like this. I’ve tried, how I’ve tried. But seriously I’m constantly sick. I’m in the bathroom all the time right now because my nerves are just shot. I don’t have an appetite, I don’t enjoy any of the things that I used to have fun doing. It’s not helping me, it’s making it worse.

I woke up today with a game plan. I have a friend, R, who I’ve known for years. Almost ten in fact. During that time he’s seen a lot of highs and lows for me just like I’ve seen for him. He’s getting married at the end of this month but he’s been through this marriage with me and has seen some of the worst that it has to offer. In the past he’s offered to let me stay at his place when things had been at their worst. I wish I would have listened to him then. I wish I would have taken his advice.

Instead I’m coming to him this time and asking for help with a place to stay for a couple of weeks. I feel like a separation is what’s needed right now. I feel at PEACE with this idea actually.

I am a firm believer in the fact that if you are making the wrong move, you’ll know it. You’ll feel it in your soul, heart and mind. When I finally made this decision it was the first peace I had felt in a couple of weeks. I don’t know what this means for my marriage, I don’t know what it means for my future but it means that I’m finally taking the proper steps. Maybe this will get her out of her funk. Maybe it will help me make an overall decision.

I’m not a happy person right now. I look in the mirror and don’t know who I am. I go to bed at night and all I wish is that I wouldn’t have to wake up again.

It’s not how I want to live my life….

When the thrill of writing is gone.

I’ve sat at my desk the past few days wanting to write. I mean seriously sit down and just write something. Be it a story or maybe even a blog entry to just ease my mind, take me away from whatever it is that is going on currently.

I can’t.

Moreover, writing this is like pulling teeth, where earlier in the year I was POSITIVE I was going to have a productive writing year I am currently sitting here wondering if I’ll ever want to write again or have anything proactive to say. I don’t know. I know that there are people who still read this blog and I will up date it as much as possible with my life as I can. I know there’s people out there that are concerned over this stranger they’ve never met and I intend to be good enough to let them know how I’m doing.

However, I don’t know that the days of my rambling entries will ever come back. At one point I thought it was the dreaded Expansion Malaise that seems to strike us before a new update is supposed to come but the longer it goes the less it feels so. Instead it’s gone ahead and seeped into my bones and makes it so that when I sit in front of a keyboard is feel my stomach turn in knots.

I can’t say when this feeling will go away, or if ever. I will update you on my life, I will put up my MotW because it tickles me but for now, the shaman is going into hibernation for a bit. WoW is always going to be there and I’ll be around on the realms from time to time but right now, I have no light to give. I have no hope to consider. I can only wish you all best and pray that your lives go as intended and that you’re strong enough to ask for help if and when the time comes.

Be seeing you

Update

I know I'm verbose. I sat down this morning and started writing an update but honestly it felt contrived and fake and I owe you guys more than that. I owe MYSELF more than that. So I'm going to wing it.

She was in the hospital for about a week and a half. They gave her three different diagnoses and none of them stuck.

Meningitis
Hemophalegic Migraines
Excessive Brain Fluid

She got lots of meds during her time there.

She came home on Wed of last week, slept all of Thursday, literally.

She's had termors the entire time she's been home and her mental capacity is no where near where it's been in the past. She knows it, I see it, it's driving both of us insane. It's like she's been regressed to a 13 year old mentally and she knows it.

I had to take her back in yesterday because of the tremors. They pumped her full of meds again and sent her home.

Right now all I can say is that I'm trying and I feel like not only am I failing but I"m losing my grasp on whether I give a shit or not.

I went out on Friday to de-stress and her mother pulled me aside and asked me if I was 'doing it for God'. If my decision to go out was because I was doing something for God or because I was running away.

Do I need to tell you just how ANGRY that made me?

I'm trying

Hits keep coming

I know I was trying to get back on track a couple of days ago with my post on life after 2.4, the problem is that life finds a way to get IN the way of what you want to do.

I haven’t slept; it’s not for lack of trying.

It started last night when I was on my way home from work. I called my wife to find out what she wanted to do for dinner. It’s my usual MO because while we’ve been married for years and she can cook, she usually doesn’t and I end up bringing something home. Her speech was slurred and she was having a hard time putting things together. That’s never a good sign. Still I gave the benefit of the doubt; I was hoping that it was just the audio that was an issue.

Got dinner, headed home and opened the door. The look I got from my wife was one of rage and hatred.

“I’m home.”
“Hi.” Her.
“How is everyone?” (I refer to her sister and the three year old in our care)
“Fine.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Because you left without saying goodbye and were gone so long.”
“You mean this morning? Cause I gave you a hug-“
“I’m not talking about this morning.”

Note: This is the first time I’ve been home all day, I just got off of work.

“Then what are you talking about?”
“When you went to get dinner you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I just got home.”
“Yes but before that you came home and didn’t say goodbye before you left.”

The conversation circled after that. Other highlights of the night:

“If you see the turtle in the bathroom tell him it’s okay to come with you.”
“No the outside goes in.”
“When are we going to eat dinner?” (After she ate dinner and had a bowl of cereal.)

I finally managed to get her upstairs to go to bed, she sneaks away to the bathroom, comes back with her dreaded bowl of cereal, loses her footing and ends up dumping half her milk on my side of the bed, then blames me for it.

Her breathing is fast, she’s non coherent again. I talk to her mom, she doesn’t think it’s the meds this time. How do we know that for sure? Well we don’t, we’re going off of hunches at this point right? I finally just ask the wife if she wants to go in, she says yes.

Now the part of me that’s fed up with this just says, dial 911, get them to come get her themselves and she can handle it once she gets there. Her mom thinks differently. Feels that the coming and going of paramedics and stuff will freak out her kid sister and the 3 year old, so instead she instructs me to take her in.

It is currently 9:30. I usually go to bed by 11 simply because, well I get up at about 6 and that would give me enough sleep to be able to make it through the day without being a total ass. It’s a half hour drive to the hospital. Roundtrip would be an hour. Plus her mom instructs me to wait until she sees the nurse before leaving the hospital because they need to know she’s in an altered state. Fine.

I haul ass out to the hospital, I’m pretty upset at this point, all kinds of thoughts are running through my head, most of which is…why do I keep doing this? She falls asleep in the car, which she had complained she couldn’t do at home, that’s fine. I crank up the rock and keep driving. I get to the hospital and she perks up:

“Why are we at the hospital?”
“You said you wanted to go in.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, yes you did. You said it in front of your mom.”
“I’m sorry if I gave that impression, I don’t want to go in. Please don’t make me.”
“Are you telling me now that you DON’T want to go in?”
“Yes”
“Are you SURE?”
“Yes.”
“Fine.”

Guess who guns BACK home? Yep, that would be yours truly. I hightail it home. It’s now after ten by the time I walk through my door. Her mom asks me if I dropper her off and I say, “Nope, she decided that she didn’t want to go in at all, she’s downstairs.”

Her mom gives me this unbelieving look and I just walk away. What else do I have to say? What else CAN I say? I mean seriously, short of telling her mom this is all a crock, I’m sick of this shit and to ram it, I got nothing to say. I go to bed.

Mary follows shortly. She’s upset again. I ask her to please put the dog up on the bed so he doesn’t eat cat crap, “Yes your highness.”

I tell her she should come to bed, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

I finally just shut everything down and tell her I’m going to sleep. Now she wants to get another bowl of cereal.

Drops the lamp.

Doesn’t turn on the light and walks RIGHT INTO her fan which she props on a chair. Huge crash. I get up out of bed to help her and she acts indignant because I’m trying to help her at all.

It happened four more times during the night at least. Each time it was because she was looking for the door which she thought could move on it’s own whenever it wanted to.

I truly am at wits end.