Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hits keep coming

I know I was trying to get back on track a couple of days ago with my post on life after 2.4, the problem is that life finds a way to get IN the way of what you want to do.

I haven’t slept; it’s not for lack of trying.

It started last night when I was on my way home from work. I called my wife to find out what she wanted to do for dinner. It’s my usual MO because while we’ve been married for years and she can cook, she usually doesn’t and I end up bringing something home. Her speech was slurred and she was having a hard time putting things together. That’s never a good sign. Still I gave the benefit of the doubt; I was hoping that it was just the audio that was an issue.

Got dinner, headed home and opened the door. The look I got from my wife was one of rage and hatred.

“I’m home.”
“Hi.” Her.
“How is everyone?” (I refer to her sister and the three year old in our care)
“Are you mad at me?”
“Because you left without saying goodbye and were gone so long.”
“You mean this morning? Cause I gave you a hug-“
“I’m not talking about this morning.”

Note: This is the first time I’ve been home all day, I just got off of work.

“Then what are you talking about?”
“When you went to get dinner you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I just got home.”
“Yes but before that you came home and didn’t say goodbye before you left.”

The conversation circled after that. Other highlights of the night:

“If you see the turtle in the bathroom tell him it’s okay to come with you.”
“No the outside goes in.”
“When are we going to eat dinner?” (After she ate dinner and had a bowl of cereal.)

I finally managed to get her upstairs to go to bed, she sneaks away to the bathroom, comes back with her dreaded bowl of cereal, loses her footing and ends up dumping half her milk on my side of the bed, then blames me for it.

Her breathing is fast, she’s non coherent again. I talk to her mom, she doesn’t think it’s the meds this time. How do we know that for sure? Well we don’t, we’re going off of hunches at this point right? I finally just ask the wife if she wants to go in, she says yes.

Now the part of me that’s fed up with this just says, dial 911, get them to come get her themselves and she can handle it once she gets there. Her mom thinks differently. Feels that the coming and going of paramedics and stuff will freak out her kid sister and the 3 year old, so instead she instructs me to take her in.

It is currently 9:30. I usually go to bed by 11 simply because, well I get up at about 6 and that would give me enough sleep to be able to make it through the day without being a total ass. It’s a half hour drive to the hospital. Roundtrip would be an hour. Plus her mom instructs me to wait until she sees the nurse before leaving the hospital because they need to know she’s in an altered state. Fine.

I haul ass out to the hospital, I’m pretty upset at this point, all kinds of thoughts are running through my head, most of which is…why do I keep doing this? She falls asleep in the car, which she had complained she couldn’t do at home, that’s fine. I crank up the rock and keep driving. I get to the hospital and she perks up:

“Why are we at the hospital?”
“You said you wanted to go in.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, yes you did. You said it in front of your mom.”
“I’m sorry if I gave that impression, I don’t want to go in. Please don’t make me.”
“Are you telling me now that you DON’T want to go in?”
“Are you SURE?”

Guess who guns BACK home? Yep, that would be yours truly. I hightail it home. It’s now after ten by the time I walk through my door. Her mom asks me if I dropper her off and I say, “Nope, she decided that she didn’t want to go in at all, she’s downstairs.”

Her mom gives me this unbelieving look and I just walk away. What else do I have to say? What else CAN I say? I mean seriously, short of telling her mom this is all a crock, I’m sick of this shit and to ram it, I got nothing to say. I go to bed.

Mary follows shortly. She’s upset again. I ask her to please put the dog up on the bed so he doesn’t eat cat crap, “Yes your highness.”

I tell her she should come to bed, “Don’t tell me what to do.”

I finally just shut everything down and tell her I’m going to sleep. Now she wants to get another bowl of cereal.

Drops the lamp.

Doesn’t turn on the light and walks RIGHT INTO her fan which she props on a chair. Huge crash. I get up out of bed to help her and she acts indignant because I’m trying to help her at all.

It happened four more times during the night at least. Each time it was because she was looking for the door which she thought could move on it’s own whenever it wanted to.

I truly am at wits end.


Softi said...

I hate to say it, but is it maybe time to see if there's somewhere she can go to get better? You've got to put yout little ones first, is it really safe for them to be around her right now? Is it really honestly safe for you to be around her right now?

Maybe I'm selfish but if it was me in your situation I would find out about having my husband put into rehab, or commited or some such thing. I couldn't risk or cope with taking care of the rest of my family on top of going through what you are every single day.

I hope there's some light at the end of the tunnel for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Hey Luciel, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up on all my RSS feeds lately and I've not been caught up on your situation until now. Oh man, I feel for you so much. I have been in 2 relationships with addicts and it's unbelievably difficult to handle. I know you are a pastor but I hope you have your own person to confide in. It might behoove you (no hoof pun intended!) to get your own therapist to help you deal with the anger and frustration. YOU are going through this withdrawal just as much as your wife is. You don't have to be 100% "the strong one." Please don't forget about helping yourself while you try to help your wife. Sorry if I'm sounding preachy. I guess I just feel very strongly for you since I've been through what you're going through. I'm sending you the light, friend...

Mike said...

Very alarmed to read about this. I agree with softi in that I think you need to get help with the situation. It's just not going to get better by itself.

I do have one piece of solid advice: Keep a log. Every day write down a sentence or two about Mary's state, her medications, try to grade how well she is on a 1-5 scale.

That sort of backup will help considerably in any conversation you have with doctors.

Anonymous said...

Just checking in, Luciel... hope you and your wife are doing okay. /hugs

Elory said...

Really hope you are holding on and doing ok!


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