The Return

News of my death…

… Has been highly overrated.

This is probably the most I’ve written in one week in a bit but this one isn’t a self reflecting blog.
Lick King came out last Thursday and DROVES of people went to buy it, I wasn’t one of them.

Not like with Burning Crusade where I was standing in line at midnight waiting for my copy. In this instance I really didn’t even know if I would ever play Warcraft again. Don’t get me wrong, I love the experience and as you can obviously see I’ve thrown plenty of time into the game, I just didn’t know if I’d have the resources and time to continue to play.

Divine Forsaken has been my home for the better part of almost two years now and I’ve made some very outstanding friends. One of them is Forester, or Don in RL.

When Don and I met, we were in Aerie Peak, the default server at the time. We were in the same guild together and for the life of me I can’t remember what it was called at the time. I met some awesome people and at one point some of the people I met, who were just trying out a new server and were going back ‘home’ invited me to come with them. I refused. At the time I thought that I would always be at Aerie Peak.

So Don and I were on the same guild and you have to understand that if I have something on a character and someone else needs it, I don’t think about gold, I think about how I can help someone. Don was new to the game (And honestly so was I, I think I had been playing two months at the time.), had an extra of some weapon and went onto guild chat to try and sell it to some other guild member.

At the time, and still, I held that ‘help others’ first motto and I blasted into him basically about how there’s honor in guild and you don’t sell to a guild member to make a profit, you help them. From that moment we were inseparable. We quested together a lot, we did some dungeons and started new characters together. Then one day I was just sick of Aerie Peak and the wait times and I moved to Nordassil. I’ve been on that server since. Yes I trekked the other servers and hung about but home has been Nord and Divine Forsaken.

I raised four of my 70s there. One was a transfer from Aerie (McGregor) but the rest, home ground from that soil. I’ve watch the server mature if not get more populated. I’ve watched friends come and go and when I left M and the house that she and I ambled about in, I thought that I was done with the game.

Then I get a text on Monday from Don. He’d already gotten the expansion and wanted to know when I was going to start playing and I told him that I may just not play with the expansion at all.

Then I heard nothing for a day.

Then he asked if it was available for download, the expansion, yet. I said it was.

He sent me that Serial number and a 60 day pass card number through a text. He didn’t ask for payment. He didn’t ask if I could give him something in return. He just sent that and then the following text, "See you in game bro! LOL"

People who don’t understand gaming like to make fun of World of Warcraft players and how they don’t have any friends in the real world so they create an account. The question is, how much more authentic a friend are you going to find here in ‘real life’.

I think many of you would understand my thought process, here is a person who I’ve never met in person or ever had a meal with and they went out of their way to get me a game and time to play it with. Might not seem like a big deal to the naked eye but think about it.

I just wanted to share that with you because I think that’s the kindest token I’ve received in a supremely long time and I’m feeling very blessed with the true friends that I have, even the ones I didn’t realize I had.

So be prepared to have a smattering of WoW again and the adventures I’m bound to have.

Where are you?

Honestly I can say that in this life I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve been:
A student
A teacher
A lover
A fighter
A writer
A preacher
A wanderer
A healer

And still I don’t know what my life is going to look like. It’s not about labels however, it’s not that I want the world to look at me and say, “There’s So and So and he’s a (fill in the blank)” it’s about wanting to know who I am within myself.

Each aspect of who I am within my life has been a heartstring, something I’ve felt adamantly about. In one way or another I’ve felt righteous when I’ve taken the stands that I’ve taken. I’ve never looked back at them and thought, “What a waste.” Instead, I’ve felt proud of standing my ground when that choice has been made.

Even today with the wreckage that I’m slowly leaving behind in my life I feel like I’ve made the right choice, the choice that will help me reach whatever ultimate goal it is I’m supposed to fulfill in life.

I’ve had several people over the years tell me that I’m here to do something wonderful. Something that’s going to change something in the world, that everyone will know about in some way.

I don’t live for that.

I say, we’re all here for something wonderful to be done. It’s the definition of the word that changes, the outcome that’s different.

To some the fact that they’ve gotten that type of thing said about them would make them proud, arrogant and eager to see what tomorrow brings, to face the world with a smug look in their eyes that says, “I got this.”

I can’t say the same. Oh don’t get me wrong, I look to tomorrow with an eagerness that’s only surpassed by the imagination of a nine year old who doesn’t really know that the world’s going to chew them up and spit them out. But proud and arrogant? Not a bit. Instead I tread lightly and realize that the choices that I make not only affect my now but those around me as well and the future that might happen if things go well.

One of my favorite arguments is free will vs. pre-destination.

Hear me out. If God knows you’re every move and where you’re supposed to end up, how is it that you have free will?

Answer: Just because God knows each and every spoke on the wheel of your life it doesn’t mean He knows which direction you’re going to pick until you pick it.

Think about it. You know that at some point your child is going to run into drugs or alcohol. You KNOW this, it’s a fact of life. The question is what your child is going to do with it once that choice is in front of them. Sure there’s something that you want them to do, a choice you would prefer for them to make but in the long run it’s a decision that’s out of your hands and you can only hope that you’ve instilled enough in them for them to make the right choice.

Mother/Father is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all children.

God is no different. He is the perfect parent but even He has to leave some of the decisions of life to us.

So in this thought I sit. What does my Father want me to do? I know He’s not angry at me for my choices, He honors them, even if He doesn’t agree. But is there a way that He would have me go. Is there a road that I should be taking? Will I ever stand before the mirror and know without a shadow of a doubt that my choices are the ones that I’m supposed to take, I don’t know.

What I do know is that those burning questions are what drive me in my everyday life and they are what I think about when I’m making a choice, good or bad, right or wrong.

How about you? Does any of this burn within you? Do you dwell on these questions in hopes of finding something better in your life? I’d love to know if you do, I’d love to know that I’m not the only one.

Road Map

Life is funny isn’t it? In a sense we’re born into this world without a road map of our lives and are expected to make the right choices without knowing what that choice is going to do to the people around you or to you long term.

As children we’re told about the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Basically if you want people to be nice, be nice to them. It’s something that over the years we forget because we all want respect. We feel that we DESERVE respect and as such, won’t give any out until some is given your way.

I’m thirty years old as I write this. At this age I’m still asking the question of, what now?

I’m sure none of you are surprised by this if you’ve read any of my blogs. I’m constantly trying to figure things out. Constantly trying to use this space to make myself a better person and by the same token, show you how a person can grow and what are the obstacles that he’s facing that force him to do so.

One of the things that I’ve come to realize in the current past is that with as much bitching as I do about change, I handle it better than most people.

I have to wonder sometimes if there isn’t something broken inside of me. Something that’s sick or twisted that doesn’t feel that I deserve happiness or that I put myself in situations where in the long run I won’t be happy.

Am I perhaps torturing myself because I feel like I don’t deserve anything but malice and anger in my world. I honestly don’t know. I know that I keep getting all of these chances thrown at me and each time I balk, bitch, or decide it’s not for me.

Sarah had me watch Brokeback Mountain just last week. I hated it. Not for all of the ways that you THINK I would hate it but because it made me look in the mirror (Shut up and just keep reading, it doesn’t mean I’m in the closet.) The two characters are Ennis and Jack. They work together one summer high up in Brokeback Mountain watching over sheep and become really close. So close that the line between life long friends and life long loves gets blurred and they cross it.

The thing about it is that they’ll two sides of the same coin. Ennis is unwilling to look past his fear of what would happen to allow the love to take on fully what it should be. Jack on the other hand is willing to drop everything for Ennis thinking that a future with him would be the only thing in his life to make him happy.

They go on like this for 20 years.

Something happens and Jack’s life is snuffed out, leaving Ennis to pick up the pieces. He realizes that Jack has always thought highly of him, enough to talk to his parents about Ennis and the dream that he has for the two of them.

At the end of the movie Ennis is left with nothing but regret, longing and loneliness.

I realized at that moment, watching the screen with Heath Ledger tearing up thinking about his best friend and possibly only true love Jack and how he missed out on a wonderful life long adventure because of his own fear. Because of his own inhibitions and because of his own stigma. He lost everything, without ever reaching out to it, even though it was right in front of him.
Am I living my life like this? Are my own stigmas about myself and life holding me back? Am I constantly looking back instead of forward, worried that I’ve left behind something wonderful and will never find something to equate to it?

I was angry when I finished the movie, I was angry that the mirror was staring at me and that I had to see the cracks in the image. (no pun intended)

I look back at M and I know that I made the right choice but honestly can’t help but be angry and hurt over the fact that I know, I know, if she had followed through and grown with me, there would be something magical between us still.

Now? Now I live in fear that even capturing a glimpse of that will be impossible. That I’ll not live up to anyone’s expectations or someone won’t live up to mine. I’m afraid that I’m just some cipher that was hiding carefully behind someone with more issues than myself.

Do I fear life? No. I fear failing at life and I won’t know whether I did or not until it’s too late.

I asked Jen if she sometimes wished she had a crystal ball, she said yes.

Personally? I wish I had a road map to tell me which way to go.