Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Where are you?

Honestly I can say that in this life I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve been:
A student
A teacher
A lover
A fighter
A writer
A preacher
A wanderer
A healer

And still I don’t know what my life is going to look like. It’s not about labels however, it’s not that I want the world to look at me and say, “There’s So and So and he’s a (fill in the blank)” it’s about wanting to know who I am within myself.

Each aspect of who I am within my life has been a heartstring, something I’ve felt adamantly about. In one way or another I’ve felt righteous when I’ve taken the stands that I’ve taken. I’ve never looked back at them and thought, “What a waste.” Instead, I’ve felt proud of standing my ground when that choice has been made.

Even today with the wreckage that I’m slowly leaving behind in my life I feel like I’ve made the right choice, the choice that will help me reach whatever ultimate goal it is I’m supposed to fulfill in life.

I’ve had several people over the years tell me that I’m here to do something wonderful. Something that’s going to change something in the world, that everyone will know about in some way.

I don’t live for that.

I say, we’re all here for something wonderful to be done. It’s the definition of the word that changes, the outcome that’s different.

To some the fact that they’ve gotten that type of thing said about them would make them proud, arrogant and eager to see what tomorrow brings, to face the world with a smug look in their eyes that says, “I got this.”

I can’t say the same. Oh don’t get me wrong, I look to tomorrow with an eagerness that’s only surpassed by the imagination of a nine year old who doesn’t really know that the world’s going to chew them up and spit them out. But proud and arrogant? Not a bit. Instead I tread lightly and realize that the choices that I make not only affect my now but those around me as well and the future that might happen if things go well.

One of my favorite arguments is free will vs. pre-destination.

Hear me out. If God knows you’re every move and where you’re supposed to end up, how is it that you have free will?

Answer: Just because God knows each and every spoke on the wheel of your life it doesn’t mean He knows which direction you’re going to pick until you pick it.

Think about it. You know that at some point your child is going to run into drugs or alcohol. You KNOW this, it’s a fact of life. The question is what your child is going to do with it once that choice is in front of them. Sure there’s something that you want them to do, a choice you would prefer for them to make but in the long run it’s a decision that’s out of your hands and you can only hope that you’ve instilled enough in them for them to make the right choice.

Mother/Father is the name for God in the lips and hearts of all children.

God is no different. He is the perfect parent but even He has to leave some of the decisions of life to us.

So in this thought I sit. What does my Father want me to do? I know He’s not angry at me for my choices, He honors them, even if He doesn’t agree. But is there a way that He would have me go. Is there a road that I should be taking? Will I ever stand before the mirror and know without a shadow of a doubt that my choices are the ones that I’m supposed to take, I don’t know.

What I do know is that those burning questions are what drive me in my everyday life and they are what I think about when I’m making a choice, good or bad, right or wrong.

How about you? Does any of this burn within you? Do you dwell on these questions in hopes of finding something better in your life? I’d love to know if you do, I’d love to know that I’m not the only one.

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