Tuesday, May 13, 2008

And there shall come a reckoning (100th post)

There is nothing better in the world than knowing what you’re going to do tomorrow.

So at the end of the month I’m moving out. It’s official. During this weekend I’ve had several heart to heart’s with members of the family. The problem with a situation like the one that I’m in is that everyone hears what they want to hear. It’s the bane of existence as far as I’m concerned. If we actually listened and heard what was intended I don’t think so many communication problems would arise.

My Wife, M, has been more lucid recently. The reason for it is that is because last Friday morning I found out that she had already taken her month’s worth of meds in the short order of two weeks. After that she called me at work and asked me to steal a script for her from my office so she could have more meds…do I even have to tell you that it would never happen? I know I didn’t.

So during the weekend, because she hasn’t taken as many meds, she’s been better. She’s asked questions about the future and what I’m thinking. She knew that there was an issue between us; I’m not cold hearted guys. I am still trying to help her, I still console her when she’s crying and take care of her, but honestly I’ve really already decided my course of action. It’s the certainty that next month will bring more of the same that brings me to the conclusion.

I finally managed to sit and talk to the MIL. I told her how I felt. Moreover I laid out the entire family dynamic for her in a fashion that would show that I wasn’t being selfish or looking for the perfect woman. I am doing it because I am honestly tired of being an enabler. Make no mistake friends, looking at the last several years I know in my heart that it is EXACTLY what I am. I have watched her continually do this to herself and have allowed it to happen. Yes I have argued and spoken to her about it but ultimately I have left the decision to her.

Think about the family dynamic. There’s me, I work extremely hard and until recently I was what many could consider a complete shut in. Yes I play WOW and collect comics but that was as far as my vices went. The MIL is at work full time, comes home to eat and then goes upstairs to do homework, so really she’s never there. T, the fifteen year old, is home schooled. So that means that she’s home during the day to take care of M when she goes into a ‘relapse’ and then when I come home she looks to me for guidance. M is usually comatose and J the three year old is being raised by myself and T for the most part.

You look at that dynamic and tell me that it’s healthy and I’ll call you a liar. There’s no growth involved as a person in any of those situations. How are we growing if we’re in damage control mode all the time? How is there growth where there isn’t any intra personal communication going on? There isn’t.

That’s the rub of it folks and when I laid it out there for the MIL like that, well she finally got with the program! Imagine that! We’ve had three interventions for M in the past year and a half. Each time she was given an ultimatum and each time she agreed ONLY to go back on her word within a matter of time.

Yea, it’s time for a change. I’ve explained it, just like I’ve explained it to you to all parties involved and they finally get it. I’ve already spoken with a friend and he’s willing to let me be his roommate, which will help with expenses for me. Plus I’ll have a bud with me most times than not and I won’t feel like an outcast.

I’ve started playing WOW again now that I feel like I know where I’m going and why. I find it fun again, so happy about that. I’m working on getting my Shaman up to something close to looking like he’s loved. My druid continues to be my main and I’m going to make him make me some money here soon!

So, there’s the crisis at the moment. M wants me to keep the door open to the future but I don’t know that she can kick the habit and I’m unwilling to be put in this situation again. I need to feel like I’m accomplishing something and right now, with where I am, that’s not happening.

Guys, I thank you for the time and patience you’ve shown me. You’ve sent some great emails that have given me the ability to struggle forward and advice that I’ve taken to heart. (I’m looking at you Dax, I spoke with the church, they understand and agree). From here on out, while I may still give updates, I’ll begin to focus on WOW some more. Be ready. The Shaman is in office.


Elory said...

Glad you have talked to everyone and they seem to understand. I think you made a right desicion. Take it easy and take your time to get used to the new situation and some time for yourself. You deserve that.

Take care!

Elory said...

oh and congrats on the 100th post :D

Anonymous said...

Hey man, I just discovered your blog today while looking for more shaman blogs, and I read I believe all of your entries about your personal life.

Good luck. I cannot imagine what your life has been like until now. I do want to ask, have you looked into any kind of rehab program for your wife?

Anonymous said...

keep moving forward, Luciel. You can do it. And if they wish to, so can they.

Nice, look at my special verification word today!
Hfrixido! It could be a name.

Anonymous said...

Luciel, stay strong. You sound better but I can see all the strings pulling you and they still have a grip on you. They are burning you out. It does not make you a "good" person or father to be taken advantage of (think of the example you're setting for your 3-year-old: "you are not worthy of anything better than this hell"). Consider the fact that when they tell you about the oxygen masks on the plane, they want you to put yours on BEFORE you put on your child's mask, despite every parent's urge to do otherwise. Why? A dead parent cannot help a child. Keep yourself well and healthy so you can balance out the negative experience in J's life. I've decided to butt out since it seems like everyone's advice to you is almost opposite to what I'd say (having been through it myself twice). If you need me, reach out to me. Check the Contact tab on my blog and send me an email. I'll respond immediately. Good luck, friend. I'll keep a closer eye on you from now on. --Natalie


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