Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A Few Days In

If you had told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, I’d call you a liar. It’s hard for to make changes in my life. I’m a very laid back person and I feel like, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. It’s the mentality I’ve always had and sometimes it serves me well, other times… not so much. The complete direness of the situation that I was in recently was the only reason I squeezed myself out of it. Had it not been taking such a drastic turn in the short life of the relationship (Let’s be honest 6 years is not long at all) I would still be there trying to fight the good fight.

As it stands, I felt like General Custard or the guys in the Alamo. Not a good sign.

So now, we’re looking back at the first few days after the decision that will basically alter my life. There’s no way around it, straight up this is a life change.

I know two things for certain about me and as always I’m going to share it with you. I don’t handle stress well. In that sense I have to thank my mother and the women in my life for that. Seems it runs in the family. Now this doesn’t mean that I have little panic attacks or anything.

The first thing is my sleep cycle. I either tend to sleep more or not at all, which leads to very huge amounts of issues. I’m not comfortable no matter how I sleep or where I sleep, it just won’t come because I’m just so stressed.

The second thing is that I begin to pay many visits to the Porcelain God, not to throw up but to sit… you get it. Non-stop, all day, several days, NOTHING will fix it, cause it’s nerves. It’s the worst feeling in the world and it handicaps my ability to do anything. I can’t begin to tell you how helpless I feel when it happens.

With the size of the change that I just accomplished I expected to not sleep for days and just sit on the throne while I pray for slumber. I thought it would be so bad that I would have no choice but to go back, tail between legs and just take it.

Guys, neither of these things has happened to me. The first night I slept bad but it was because I had forgotten to bring my alarm clock with me and I kept waking up thinking I overslept. Since then, I sleep well, my stomach isn’t in knots and I’m not berating myself because I’ve done something unforgivable. I actually feel like I can accomplish anything right now.

That being said the only fear I still harbor, the thought of being alone. For now, I WANT to be alone. The last thing I need is another set of problems, but somewhere down the line I’m going to get that itch again and I wonder, I wonder if I’m damaged goods now and won’t be given the time of day.

Still, a thought for another day. Right now even though I’ve got cloudy skies outside my window at work, the future looks bright indeed.


Anonymous said...

I think everyone here has had a point in their life where they could consider themselves 'damaged goods'. In fact, I really haven't met anyone who could deny that. However, it's what makes us relate to each other as human beings. We aren't perfect, but do we really have to be? It would be so dull...
Keep fighting the good fight. If people can't see the humanness within, they aren't worth the effort.

Eddie said...

Hello friend,

I want you to know that I feel you lied to me. I saw this blog title on another blog and thought to myself, "I'm a shaman, and I have hooves (Tauran). So I look at it yesterday, and read about skills and gear... harmless enough. A wow blogger that is intelligent and good with words, bookmark it, and leave work for the day.

Fast forward to today. I say, "I should read more about that shammy!"
And this is the title I get. It made no sense to me. I was very confused. What other option did I have but to read all your posts for the past 3 months. You amaze me man. I think you have made a very tough descision and I think MIL understands your point, but still can't help the "but M is my child."

Keep your head up. Although I have some issues with God right now, I don't doubt his power or ability, or even his existance. You have made a dedicated blogger friend

Cabriella said...


Long time reader, first time poster here. I agree with Eddie. When I first read your blog, I found I had to go back and "catch up" as well. I have been following your journey and must say I have total admiration for you and your choices. Tough decisions are rough on all concerned. Personally, I think you have done well and you shouldn't sell yourself short by worrying about being 'damaged goods'. I really think the MIL's anger is coming from the fear of being left to handle a situation that has been handled by you for so long. I may be wrong in my thinking. I wish you luck with your endeavors and hope that things start to look up soon for you my friend. You deserve it!


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