Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Week 2

There’s little that I dislike more than lies. I’ve had a run in with a few in my life that have been complete whoppers. I’ve told some in the past that could reflect badly on me now if they came back to haunt me honestly. But I try to walk in a way that allows me to not have to sit and lie constantly. Yes I admit that I’ve lied for my wife when the time came but it’s something I just don’t like.

All that being said I went to get some more things from my wife’s place this last weekend. At the moment I’m staying with my friend Ryan and while I’m not staying there permanently, I still needed more clothes and the like. I’ll tell you that going in to see her was like pulling teeth. I didn’t like being there for one. It felt alien to me, like I was crossing some threshold that I shouldn’t have dared step over. I also felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Her family hasn’t had very many nice things to say about me since I left while I’ve tried to keep my nose clean of the mud slinging. The word ‘Mooch’ came up but I don’t know if they realize what that word means. To me, a mooch is someone who takes without offering anything in return. Living off your good graces until you have none of those graces left and then you’re forced to exile them to some remote island where they eat mooch brains. I’ve been nothing but a provider to these people but still I’m defaced and defiled. It doesn’t leave me for wanting to be in their presence anymore.

I went to her house at a moment when I knew that she would be the only one there with the J, the three year old. When I walked in I gave her a hug and gave him a ride on my shoulders, it was nice to be able to interact with him again. Then two things happened with her alone that truly irked me.

1) Ryan’s wedding was two weeks ago. I was invited and so was M but because of the condition she was in and the choice that I was soon going to be making the decision was made by Ryan and his wife Kristin to un-invite M. Now this is something that they told me exclusively, they wanted me there for their big day but they wanted me to be happy, something that they knew wouldn’t happen if I let her tag along with me. I never told anyone this. I never breathed a word of it and just told them all that I decided to go on my own. The about a week ago M told me that her sister T got a call from Ryan telling her that M wasn’t invited to the wedding and that he was calling to let her know. Thing is, Ryan doesn’t have T’s cell phone number. More over, he wouldn’t want to stir that pot knowing that things weren’t going well. So I called her on that and it silenced her. Sunday though she tried to spin a yarn about how Kristin, Ryan’s wife had emailed her and told her she was invited to the wedding. Guys, I’m very open. I don’t deal with lies and secrets. I will confront the people I know with information I learn that I’m not okay with because I refuse to be complacent anymore when it comes to things that I don’t like. After a couple of minutes of pointed questions she conceded that it was a straight lie.

2) The other thing that happened was this. When we first got married I still had friends in Florida. One of them was someone I had known for a long time named Gaby. Gaby was like my sister. She was about eight years older than me and had my quirky sense of humor. We knew when we met that we’d never be anything more than friends but relished our time together. It was fun. I would write her once a month about my exploits and then she would respond. When M and I decided to become and item I wrote Gaby a four page letter about it, talking about our history, how I felt about her and everything else. I never mailed it. Not because I didn’t want to but because the letter I had sent the month before had never gotten a response, so I was waiting for a response before I sent another letter on to her. Now from the way that M tells the story, she was packing some of my books (Even though none are currently packed) and the letter slipped out of one of them. She read it, misinterpreted the thing and then said that I never loved her. When I read it to her OUT LOUD and in the manner it was written, she realized her error.

That’s two things that just really set me off. If you’re trying to fix anything, why would you confront me with a misinterpretation on your part AND a lie? Really that doesn’t say much for her or how she thinks of me in my opinion.

Not long after that her sister and mother showed up. Now I’m going to admit a moment of complete weakness on my part earlier in the week, you can berate me if you wish but I’ve learned my lesson. She called me on Saturday night. She was more coherent and upset. We talked for a bit and she told me about their money woes. They hadn’t been able to make the mortgage payment for the month and were trying to make ends meet. I’m a sap and I have a big heart. I offered to help. I offered to move in for the rest of the month and use the money that was supposed to go for my rent to help them. In that way they wouldn’t feel so much of the pinch. She was happy, I was reserved and then I heard how they (her family) didn’t want me to move back in because I was a mooch… yea that went over like a ton of bricks.

As you can tell this is all incredibly new to me. I feel naïve and stupid at times. My friends have backed me up and are willing to continue to help me, for that I’m eternally grateful.

I know this. I know that I’m soured to marriage at this point. I feel like all I’ve done for the recent past is give and get back less than cipher and I don’t like that, not one bit. I know that it will take me a long time of licking my wounds to trust again, if ever. Don’t mention the word love around me, not if you value me as a person or a friend. I don’t buy it, not now.

I think this is one of the steps of grief, man do I hate it.


Softi said...

Oh jeez, I just.. I don't know what to say, nothing would make you feel better huh?

I do think you've done the right thing though, and you definitely seem to know that too which is great.

You will get through this, just don't be sucked in, and let your friends help you as much as they want.


noileum said...

Hang in there, and be true to yourself. This is a rough time you're going through, but you need to stay focused and look at the big picture.

If you have to concede small loses then so be it, maintaining focus on the resolution you're after will see you through


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