Monday, June 30, 2008

Weekend Warrior..

Weekends are where we do most of our living. We go out with friends, take care of errands and sometimes find ourselves helping others that asked for a hand. This weekend was the fourth since I decided to try liberty. It was a mixed bag weekend as things were good, bad and just straight up odd. I’m going to try and get you guys up to date about what’s going on in my life and how I feel about it. It seems like while I originally started this blog to talk about WoW it’s mutated into something completely different. I do hope that those of you that stumbled in at the beginning continue to read these misadventures that I call life.

Friday: Out of all three days that I’m going to talk about this one was the one that reached complete mixed bag feel. The first thing obviously is that I went into work. It was an extremely slow day that made me want to pluck my eyes out with a spoon. What made it worse was that I had a date after work… but it wasn’t my date at all. One of my co-workers met a chap on a couple weeks earlier and they had spent time emailing back and forth until they decided it was time to meet. But she didn’t want to go out alone, she wanted a shadow. Someone she could call in case she got into some trouble. So I was asked to take on this duty.

There were a couple things that bothered me about this outing. The first and foremost was that my co-worker hadn’t even spoken to this guy on the phone once. So there was no clear way of knowing whether they could hold a complete conversation without email in the way. They were both going in pretty much blind as far as personality. The first thing they were going to do on their first date is go to a movie. So they’d be sitting next to each other for an hour and a half without having had a true first conversation.

My idea for them was to maybe start by meeting for coffee and talking, if that worked then dinner, and then a movie. Give them a chance to get to know each other before being stuck in a dark room side by side with each other.

Obviously that didn’t happen. So I was stuck watching The Love Guru (Horrible movie) with two people that hadn’t ever been near each other. I did touch base with her again today since she felt that the date was going well enough that she didn’t have to have me around as security anymore and she said that words that all men dread, “He was nice, almost too nice.” Words that will put you into the friendship category for life.

So after that was done I jaunted back to my local stomping grounds. The ex wanted to have dinner with me. Yes I realize that I am setting myself up with this one. I understand that I’m putting myself in unnecessary harm by even being near her, let alone listening to what she might have to say. She broke down a couple times. Of course I was there for her, I’m not heartless and I think that’s my problem. She’s asked for my help in some odds and ends type things and I’ll oblige her as much as I can without putting myself at risk.

A couple of things that she told me that I found interesting. You all know I’m a pastor. I’ve never made it a secret, I believe and that’s all there is to it. My style of belief takes the laws of the Bible and shows them to people in a modern setting so that they’re better understood. My friend Travis has even told me he enjoys talking Spirituality with me because I don’t make it sound like anyone’s going to hell if they have the right foundation, and he’s right because it’s what I believe. (I’m not going to go deep into this; I’m just setting up groundwork.) Her family has always been a strong point in her life. She’s always felt that having those ties was incredibly important. Well from what she told me during this dinner, her family has all but turned their back on her. They’ve told her that if she’s not able to keep the marriage together, then she’s going to HELL…

Now look, she’s not perfect, none of us are. Her choices have sucked and yes she has made it to the point where I had to RUN away and hide from her because each and every minute with her made me cry. Do I hate her? Not a bit. I hate the choices that she made. I hate the fact that I came in second in her life to the medications that are slowly killing her. I hate the fact that I wake up some days and I feel like I’m never going to be enough for anyone because of it. You know? With all of that though, even though I’m never going back to the marriage that I left, I want nothing but the best for her. I want her to be healthy. I want her to strive to be better, to heal herself and eventually become someone I can trust in my life again. You know? How can a person’s own family tell them they’re going to hell? I mean, really? How is that helpful in the state of mind that they’re in? So because of all of that, it appears that she’s realized that her family is full of zealots. Personally, it’s not a dynamic I ever want to be involved in.

The other thing that came out is that she understands why it happened. She knows that really, in the scheme of things I did the best I could for as long as I could. Talking it out she was honest and told me that she didn’t think she could have done it for as long as I did. She tried to say that it was sudden but then when I broke it down for her again, showed her how things went and that I gave her a full month to get her life in order before I made the split and nothing changed, that was when I finally gave up and moved on.

It seems that her mother wants to speak with me but honestly, I have nothing left to say to her. I feel like I’ve spent almost ten years listening to someone give me advice that they had no real clue about. It’s still a stigma that is going to take me a long time to get over, if ever.

I ended the day on a high note. After I left the dinner with the ex, I went to a new tattoo parlor. One of the artists and I had been communicating back and forth for the better part of a week to get our schedules together and get a tattoo done. A couple of years ago I got one. It’s a cross, with a halo and wings behind it. It sits on my right upper arm. That one was about faith, belief and love. This second one I received was about something a little different. The first reason I got it was freedom. I wanted something to show the date that I moved on and worked on finding myself again. Its three Kanji symbols and they represent Bushido. Bushido is the word that signifies the Code of the Samurai. It’s something that I’ve always felt that I try to abide by. I put others before me and the like. So that just went on my right upper arm to remind me of the code of my life and of when it was that I decided, I needed to be myself again.

Saturday: Really if I could go back and not do something, I would just skip this whole day. Jen finally got a new place and we picked this as the move date. It worked out schedule wise because we would have the main three people available to do the work at the same time. What we didn’t realize when we made this decision is that it would be the hottest day of the year to date. To put it in perspective, when I checked the thermostat at 9pm, when we were still moving, it clocked in at 107 degrees…

We got off to a late start because Travis needed to go see his grampa so we didn’t start putting together the first batch of things until well after 2 pm. When we go to her old place we realized something immediately, she hadn’t packed. This made it even more difficult. Now if we were just moving her, we could’ve survived but unfortunately that was the case either. We also had to help move her daughter and Jen’s dad. Her dad lived through the great depression which means that he hoarded and became a pack rat afterwards. He had two big dressers, one full of clothes and one full of unknown things like paperwork, gadgets that had died long ago and empty containers of things that had no name. One of his dressers alone weighed a good four hundred pounds.

We moved from 2pm to about 11pm. Several trips, trucks and beers later Jen’s stuff had been moved to her new place of living. I didn’t stay long enough to help her set up anything because honestly, I was exhausted.

The heat never subsided. No matter how late it got during the night, that heat was always there. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. So I went about 30 hours before I was finally able to get a nap…

Sunday: Do I even need to tell you that I spent most of the day vegging? I am actually STILL sore lol. I took a lot of Advil, rubbed my tattoo a lot and slept as much as I could. The weekend was a rollercoaster. It really was. By the time it was all said and done, really all I wanted was to stay in my room and forget about life.

M wanted us to try dating. I’ve told you guys before that I’m not keen on it. After our dinner she felt like it was permission to text me day and night about nothing. Yea, I don’t see that happening. She wants to remain friends but how do you do that exactly in this type of situation?

Man, life’s just odd. I’m moving this week. I’ll see if I can’t post a picture of my tattoo at some point. Be well guys.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Didn't like the love guru huh? I liked it lol, thought it was a good parody on things.

Do you know how they make katanas? (At least, true original ones.) They fold the metal over and over and paint this clay on it, when they fire it the two different types of metal (soft and hard) expand and that gives the blade the curved shape.

The sword was the soul of the samurai. :) Pretty neat. Gotta love years of anime and one night of watching the History Channel at my boyfriends Parent's (capital for unsightly emphasis) house because there was nothing better to do lol!


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