Rebuilding.

The weekend for the most part was a blast. I had a fun time and really overall enjoyed my time with my friends. Friday was mellow. I went to Travis’ house. We drank some beer, ate some hot wings and just watched the day drain away into night and talked about everything and nothing at once. It was short of awesome. Really the only thing that would have made it better is if Travis was a girl.. lol… yea I’m sorry I just like women.

Saturday things got a bit rocky. I had been avoiding talking to my ex. The reason for it is quiet simple. It’s harder to feel free when you’re talking or seeing the person you want to be free of on a regular basis. However I do have a duty to J, who’s been asking for me. So I went to see them. J was happy to see me; the rest of her family was there but didn’t say a word to. Amazing how they ‘accept’ you once you’re with them but the moment that you think things are going south and you want to leave they all turn their backs on you. I expected it.

M wanted to walk around the pond that’s behind the house for a little bit and talk to me. So we did. I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I left my house. I feel like that part of my life had been broken and to wear something from an institution that I currently feel is complete crap would be a straight lie. That was the first thing she noticed.

I want you guys to know that when I left the house I was sure it was permanent. This wasn’t something temporary or something that I was going to rethink, it was what it was. As I was driving into work today I was listening to the local radio station and they were talking about something I could relate to. Rebuilding. People rebuilding their lives at some point in life because of things that have gone on. I’m rebuilding right now, remembering who I am, what I enjoy, what it’s like to not have to worry about the decisions of others that might be life threatening to them or to others.

So I walked and we talked and her speech went something like this to me:

“I know I messed up. I know that I took advantage of you, that I was lazy, that I took you for granted and that you gave me so many chances before you made this choice but now I’m ready. I want you to give me another chance to prove to you that I can be a good spouse and that I can be the woman you need me to be.”

First: let me point out that telling me you KNOW what you did wrong, really doesn’t make me feel like I can trust again. If anything else it brings to the forefront every single thing that I thought during the marriage and proves me right because you’re saying you did it. It put my walls up in a manner so fast that I didn’t know I was doing it. It just happened impulsively

Second: while a part of me would LOVE to believe her and not feel like I’ve had to leave a marriage… I can’t trust her. Why? Because this song has been played for me before and eventually, it goes back to the way it was. It’s something I’m not willing to do, not for anyone, not having learned that lesson the hard way. Would I be daft enough to fall for it again?

I did the only thing I could do, I called Ryan. I broke it down for him and everything that I thought. His thoughts were the same as mine; there was no way to know for sure that the leopard had changed its spots. Honestly it’s been less than a month and she thinks that she can handle it? No, that’s just not right; it doesn’t make sense to me. If anything I would be asking for more time to get my shit together, not begging for the other person to come back.

I’m trying guys. I feel like I’m making the right choices. At the end of the month I’m moving closer to work, which will help with the use of gas and the saving of money. I know that chapter is done… it’s the unknown that I have to face now.