Difficult

I think there may be some that read this blog that can attest that walking out of a relationship that was in the state mine was in is still incredibly hard. You feel, even if you shouldn’t, that you could have done more. That you are to blame for all the short comings in your partner and in your relationship in general because its human nature to feel flawed. We are built that way, to take the blunt of the errors that are made by us and around us. You look at children of divorce, those that are old enough to know what’s going on, and they blame themselves for the misfortune of their parents. Kids always find a way to blame themselves; they MAKE it their fault if we allow them to.

There’s a reason why I’m writing this but as you all know I always take the long way around when I’m in a mood. I’m at work this morning. Exhausted because yesterday was my late day and then I had to get up early today and come right back in. I’m walking around in a semi conscious state getting the patients checked in, taking money and occasionally throwing out a good funny comment. I end up going to the bathroom and as I’m standing there something dawned on me. I’m pretty sure that my anniversary was this last weekend.

I’m going to let that sink in for a moment.

I’ve been in such a relaxed state the last few weeks after my decision; I’ve come home and been able to spend fun times with my friends. I’ve been able to not worry about what’s going on at home. I’ve been able to go to sleep when I wish. Food is not an issue, I can cook for myself or I can eat out. I don’t have to have four different voices telling me they want something different.

So I’m standing there and this is dawning on me and I kept waiting for that pang, or the tears or the hurt and I got nothing. I have the thought that there was a day in the weekend that meant something to me in the past but now is a distant memory.

You must understand that I’m a romantic. I’ve never forgotten an anniversary. I’ve never forgotten a birthday. I’ve always had things planned that I thought would show my interest, affection, care and love but this year it wasn’t even a memory that crossed my mind. How does that speak to my mind set? How does it speak to my state of mind for that matter? Some might consider that I’m going through a mid life crisis and that I’m trying to recapture my youth but if anything else I’m trying to recapture my adulthood. I’m not afraid of responsibility… as long as the responsibilities are mine and not thrust on me because of situation.

I know I need to go talk to her and I said I was going to the other day but you know what? I decided I didn’t want to. There were other things that I could be doing and did do instead of going in for a guilt trip with tears, screams and recriminations. I chose to live my life instead.

There are some things that you’ll never be able to get around during a break up. Some things that are completely out of your control, the biggest of which is how you’re painted at the end of anything that was long term and is ending in a manner that doesn’t end in one of you dying… that was a joke J.

I’m reminded of Jerry Maguire when it comes to break ups. You know after he’s taken to lunch and fired after people read his manifesto? He’s running back to his office, his ‘buddy’ Sugar strolling casually. Both are calling their assistants and contacting Jerry’s clients, see which side of the split they end up on. Jerry ends up with two clients out of what seems like fifty. He’s crushed and defeated but as he walks out of his office to a silent bullpen full of staffers he says, “I’m not going to do what everyone expects me to do, which is FLIP OUT! I’m just going to ask one thing. One thing. Who’s coming with me?”

That’s what friends go through with a break up. They’re asked in subtle ways which way they’re going to go when things break. I haven’t had to do that. My friends have, gracefully, remained loyal to me the entire time that I’ve been married.

So let’s look at the list:

Jen and Travis – This is a given that they will remain my friends. Out of all of the ones that I have, they’ve been the ones that I have turned to constantly in this last six months and have given a helping hand or ear.

Ryan and Kristin – Ryan is my oldest friend. I’ve watched him grow up and would have been willing to adopt him if push came to shove, that’s how much I love the kid. His wife understands that our friendship goes deep enough that when I needed a place to crash neither hesitated… plus they uninvited her to the wedding…so, natch

Peter and Tanya – Peter is a nurse like M, they met in nursing school so he’s one of her oldest friends. When we first got married he didn’t like me, as time’s gone on though we’ve begun to respect each other. When things were going down hill a couple years ago he asked the tough question for the first time, “Is she a drug addict.” Then he recommended help. I don’t know which way he’ll land. He might land in both camps.

Her Family – Do I really even have to get into it? LOL

My Family – Could thankfully care less what happens to me and never liked M cause she’s white (We’ll talk about it another time.)

You know what’s sad? That’s the extent of the friends that know my wife. Not because I wasn’t willing to take her out but because, well, she just didn’t go out. She’d rather be home. There’s other people that I would consider acquaintances really, they probably don’t care.

Thing is that I’m going to go to each of these people and ask for their allegiance. They’re going to believe what they will. They will know the score when push comes to shove but for the moment? I want to see what they’ll do. People show their true colors when things happen. I’ve become a lot more relaxed, like I used to be. M has become extremely high strung and dependent, MIL has become a raging dragon from which there is no escape, willing to say anything to hurt.

There’s one other thing that I want to broach with you guys.

I have an enormous heart. I’m sure that it’s something you’ll have to take my word for. M doesn’t work and it doesn’t look like she ever will. I don’t want to leave her high and dry with a bunch of bills…. But how much help is okay before its enabling or worse. . Does that make sense? I have to admit that I feel responsibility for her but how much is just responsibility and how much is just being silly and doing too much?

Has anyone gone through this that can maybe shed some light?