The Loss of Laughter: True Story, Swear to God

I’ve hemmed hawed about doing this post for about a week now. I actually have something similar already written on my computer somewhere but the events of this weekend have made that one seem like a lie.

When I started this project I did it in the hopes that I could keep talking about a game I enjoy and well, to be open and honest with the readers. The Bible basically calls for us to be like windows, transparent and clear. To have no hidden shame and to be truthful with one another, even if it sometimes hurts to the core.

I’m married. I have been for close to six years. We’ve had ups and downs like every relationship has. You can’t enjoy the good times in a relationship if you don’t endure the bad times. I can’t say that I’ve always been a good guy. During the first year of our marriage I almost had an affair but I think part of me wanted my wife to find out and I left enough of a trail to figure it out. Since then I’ve tried my best not only to make up for that but also to let her know that she’s loved.

My wife is not of the best health, frankly it seems that neither of us seems to be anymore, however she’s had several hospitalizations in our time together. Not long after I proposed and a week before I was to finish my course work in Seminary she fell very ill and was hospitalized. I was frantic and I stayed with her each and every day of that hospitalization, it cost me my final term in school, I still haven’t finished it.

I worked at a company for four years after we got married with a group of people that were almost like family. They understood when I had to take time off for her. I ended up working half days for almost six months after she had a terrible time of it. We can’t have kids because she had to have a hysterectomy not long into our first year of marriage. Our dreams of having children were snuffed out.

Our lives have been filled with trials and tribulations. Still somehow we’ve found the laughter. I’ve found the laughter, it’s something my mother said would be the end of me, I always found everything amusing. I always made light of a situation and tried to laugh it off. It’s part of my personality. It’s part of who I am and I love it.

I can’t find the laughter today.

For the last week my wife has been in a self induced semi-coma. She had been complaining of anxiety. To that end her doctor gave her a medicine called Ativan. Ativan is from the root family that also has a med called Valium, much more common and well known. The downfall is that it has the ability to make someone incredibly groggy and violent.

This was not the first encounter we’ve had with this medicine. A couple of years ago a different doctor prescribed it with much the same result. I managed to talk her out of taking the medicine and switching to something else. This time, they gave it to her following an ER visit. She thought that it wouldn’t result in the same situation as last time.

When we went to see her doctor this time I pleaded with her to ask for a different medication to try and help her with the anxiety. She didn’t listen and asked for the Ativan anyway. During this tough time we’re in she’s thrown the accusation that this is all my fault for not having spoken up to the doctor and tell him not to give it to her. I do hold myself to blame for some of this but I don’t know that it would have been my place to undermine her in front of her doctor, I don’t know.

Because of the pain she’s in, she has a high dose of pain medicine, 120mg of Oxycontin. If you don’t know what that is, it’s what Jack Osbourne went into rehab for. It’s a very strong med and it’s HIGHLY addictive. She was taking 120mg, three times a day… I found out that she went through a month’s worth in one week. After having taken them all she then said that we had stolen them from her.

My weekend has been filled with grief, torment and misery. My wife whom I hold dear has told me that I’ve failed her and worse our marriage. I don’t find any joy right now and I’m trying guys, I’m REALLY trying. I can’t even begin to express just how heartbroken I am right now, I’m crying at the drop of a hat like some hormonally imbalance 30 something year old guy.

Drug addiction is a scary thing. We watch it on television and we hear about how some actor/actress/singer/model is going through it and will be all the better for it and it feels like it’s something far away and foreign, something that could never touch your life.

We are wrong.

More and more Americans are falling into this cache of addiction and mostly it’s not illegal, it’s just that we grow to tolerate the medicines we do have and need higher doses or more of them.

I am afraid. I am mortified. I am sad. I am lost. I am wounded. I know that I can help my wife the best that I can but I also know that it may not be enough. I know that I may lose the war. That I may help her back to health but eventually she will see me as the man that put her through hell because I tried to help her with her addiction.

I have no laughter at this time. I know this will pass but there is still more storm to weather. I will try to do the Pox thing, though it seems that my free time is going to be tied up for the foreseeable future. WoW is not as fun at the moment as it once was. And writing seems the only way that I can communicate how broken I feel about this without having to show just how broken I am about this.


I have no more words right now.