Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Lady in Shadows

The hardest part about dating is that you’re putting yourself out there. Never mind the whole monetary this because I find that you can’t take it with you so might as well spend it while you’re here. The most difficult aspect of this is trying to figure out when you’re giving up too much of yourself and when you’re only being moderate enough to cover your bases.

In some circles people dating are divided into two different categories. The first is a ‘player’, this is someone who just barely covers the bases. They don’t really want to get invested into any one person for an extended period of time, they want to have several who they can enjoy moments of happiness with and then forgo the rest of it without any remorse. This is something I’ve never been able to master personally. I’ve always been the time to devote myself to one person until it’s played all the way out. Which leads me to the second category, to use a 90s term, a “Shy Guy”.

That being said we come to Amy.

I told you we had been seeing each other for a period of time. You’ve also read my whole camping experience. (if you haven’t and want to cringe, laugh and feel sorry for me, this is the time to do it.)

The first thing that I have heard recently is, “Is it too soon?”

The thing is, that each person has a different time frame that they feel they’ll need to be able to move on from what’s gone on in their past. I’ve known guys who have their heart broken one day and literally the next have a new girl on their arm, while I’ve know guys who take years to overcome the grief that they felt over the loss.

Personally? It was a weight lifted. Consider this; I only started talking about my situation in March. This had been going on for over two years. In that time I felt like I was already alone. I learned about myself, I learned about my limits, thresholds and desires, things that I couldn’t share with the one person I wanted to do that with.

Is it too soon? No, if anything it’s too late.

I’ve told you enough about Amy for you to get an idea of the personality she has. We play many word games with each other; do a lot of talking and asking questions about life and the like. We’re both counselors are heart so we like to listen to others and try to resolve the problems. Honestly, a pretty good team overall.

Then you start looking at the little things: In the time we’ve spent together, about a month give or take, most of our outings include someone else or going to someone’s house. We’ve had perhaps 5 dates total in this time where it’s just her and I and one of them we cut short for Yeti. (Remember that?) In public I’m more like a buddy but in private she acts like a lover. Then the camping trip she tried to do a little of both, for her sake and mine and it was nice. I enjoyed it and she did too.

I spent the night at her place on Sunday since I didn’t go into work on Monday (Nothing happened, get your mind out of the gutter) and then Tuesday we’d both be busy. So we figured we’d see each other on Wednesday. This has been the routine. While we both have lives, we’ve tried to see each other at night, if only to watch a movie.

She lives 45 minutes away.

She doesn’t drive.

That’s fine. I’m okay with doing that, its part of the woo-ing process.

Then this is the conversation we had that Wednesday:

“So what time do you want me to come up today?” Me

Amy, “you know I was thinking, you don’t spend a lot of time with Jen and Travis anymore. It feels like you’re always here.”

To note, I haven’t been spending time with J and T, this is true but it’s because they’re trying to set up their lives together. Having a third wheel while doing that, not the best in my opinion.

“Is that a complaint?”

“No no, just an observation. Don’t you miss them?”

“Sure I do but I feel like I’ve got better things to do now and they’re happy and I’m happy with what we’re building. I figure there will be time enough for them eventually.”

“Yea but they’re your friends.”

Notice a pattern?

Me, “Hold on. This is starting to sound less like you’re worried about my friendship and more like you’re afraid I’m taking over your life or something. Is that what’s going on?”

“Kinda, yea. I mean you’ve been up here six days out of the week for two weeks straight.”

“Yea, because I was under the impression that I was wanted up there.”

Amy, “You are. I just want to make sure you’re still your own person, you know?”

Alright, enough is enough.

Me, “Look, I wanted to talk to you tonight because I wanted to figure out what we’re doing here. I like you, I think you’re cool and enjoy my time with you but what is this that we’re doing exactly? We don’t use labels cause you don’t like them, fine. Still, one minute you treat me like a buddy and the next like your lover. I enjoyed camping but when started planning that it was going to be something small and intimate, it ended up being a clusterfuck. What you’re doing feels like you’re pushing, is that what it is? It’s like we’re building this house, and all we have is the framework and we’re throwing shit in, see if it looks good and then throwing it back out cause it clashes. What kind of house are we building Aim?”


More Silence.

Finally, “You’re right. Those are good points. I need time to think. Let’s talk about this tomorrow night instead okay?”

“Sounds good.”


Wednesday bleeds into Thursday. The one thing neither of us thought about was that she gets the boys on Thursdays. Talking in front of them, not going to happen, we’ll handle it on Friday.

Friday and she’s not feeling good. We postpone til Saturday.

Saturday comes and goes, still not well. We’ll do this Sunday.


Mind you during this time period we’re hardly talking to each other, we don’t pick up the phone we only use texts and the texts are short, sporadic and to the point.

I have a key to her place. I go to her house and I knock instead. She looks surprised but I don’t know where I stand and I’m not overstepping my bounds with anyone.

She is getting out of a marriage too, similar to mine in many ways. It’s been over 8 months for her since she left him. She’s built a life for herself in the meantime. We sit across from each other and talk about the inane things that people talk about when skirting the true meat of a meeting. Then we go quiet.

“So?” I nudge.

She looks up at me unsure of what I mean, “So?”

“So, we were going to talk?”

“Ah, yes that’s right. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I just don’t think I’m ready but I want you in my life, you’re an awesome man and don’t want you to go away. That’s why I kept putting it off.”

There you have it folks. I’m not heartless, of course I’ll still be her friend. She is a great person but it just shows that sometimes even people out of relationships for a long time, just aren’t ready.

Life moves on.

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