Thursday, August 14, 2008

Pardon the Interruption... part 1

I’m going to say this once, for the cheap seats in the back, so that we’re all on the same page.

When I started this latest little adventure I honestly didn’t think I would be gaining or losing anything. You guys have to realize that I’ve been to rock bottom and I do mean ROCK bottom not too long ago. It’s not a part of me that’s something I’m going to share but I will tell you that if it wasn’t for Travis and Jen, I would’ve done something pretty silly.

I have spent the last several months feeling like I’m worthless, feeling like nothing I would do in my life would amount to much of anything.

I’m a caregiver. It’s what I do, I love knowing that there’s someone that I can help. It’s when I feel like I’m accomplishing the most in my life. That’s why I counsel people through tough situations, that’s why I share my life with the World Wide Web, so that if someone is going through something similar then they’ll have the decisions of someone else to look at and gauge what they want to do.

I’m transparent on purpose. If you leave nothing to the imagination then the world will k now who you are at first sight.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not scared in this situation okay? To have you sit there and make you believe that this is all just status quo for me would be unfair. I spend each and every single moment I’m getting with Ariel like it’s my last. Why? Because shit like this just doesn’t happen often and usually it’s ends in some sad way. I don’t know what my ending is going to be, I know I love what’s going on.

You know why? I’ll explain it to you because I know that I’m going over stuff a bit slower than normal, for me it’s trying to get it all down and remember it as best as I can, the details guys, the details.

I was married for close to six years and I can count on both hands the times that my wife got up with me when I went to work. I can count on one hand the times that she made me breakfast or dinner. And I can count how many times she told me she was going to cook without cracking the number fifty.

I know what some of you are thinking, “People put their best foot forward.”

This is a possibility but then I look in her eyes, and I know what I see. If you guys are unsure of my ability to tell the truth, and I totally understand that thought process, I turn to Jen and Travis.

I turned to Jen and Travis immediately when things got a little more, interesting. I’ve turned to them to see what they think, what they feel and how they perceive the situation. I’m not reading this wrong, we’re all getting the same vibe. If it was only two of us, there would be skeptics and if it was only me, then I’d be screwed.

If you’ve ever felt a connection with someone. A connection so strong that just walking into the room with them you know how they feel or that they’ve been thinking about you. A connection that just takes ahold of your wrist, whips you around the room and then kisses you like a passionate lover, you know what I mean.

I HAVE to follow this through. I’ve read the comments and I knew that what I’m doing was going to cause some head shaking and some people deciding not to read anymore. I’m sorry for that because I do care about what you guys think, you’re my audience. By that same token, you’re my audience and I have to be open and honest with you about this shit.

I am in love with her, hard. I wish I could play the guarded role and be all cool and shit, act like I don’t care. But I do and I know it and it shows. Co-workers have commented on a change in me, my friends have pulled me aside and told me that they’ve never seen me this happy. Never.

I hope that those who are thinking about leaving, don’t go away thinking that I’m some monster. I’m just a guy. I found someone who completes me. (Fucking Jerry Maguire) I’m going to be in this until the end, I’ve already made myself that promise. I don’t know if the end is a month from now, a year from now or until my dying breath. I don’t know but I want to find out. I want to live this life to the fullest and when I’m with Ariel I have that feeling.

Stay tuned guys if you want to. I promise to keep talking if you keep listening.
The Shaman.

2 comments:

gamedame said...

I don't think you're the monster or stupid or any of those things you think we think about you. I think you're a great guy! I think it's awesome that you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you since I started reading this blog. Make no mistake: it's Ariel that I don't trust. Her story doesn't add up. I worry for you. I believe she's lying about something. It's only intuition, but if you say how you feel then I'm only saying how I feel from what you tell us. I make no judgments on you and I would never, will never, think you're an asshole or any of those other bad things. I will only be upset if you get hurt -- and it will not be you that I feel upset with. Anyway, I'm probably full of shit and you shouldn't listen to me. I guess I just got invested in your situation a while back and I care too much to see you get hurt. Trust me, I know EXACTLY what undeniable chemistry is like and how it is a nearly unstoppable, irresistible force. For me, it seemed like a fairy tale come true but it ended up burned up my whole life, including making me deaf in one ear thanks to his eventual betrayal of me. (And no, this isn't the same guy I've told you about before. See? I'm an ace with the men. My husband is the only exception.) So you can console yourself with the idea that I'm projecting too much of my own fears onto you. Go live it and enjoy it for everything you can. I just can't watch her hurt you. I mean, ask yourself honestly, has she really explained her marriage and the timing of her call to you? And now, you are free to ignore me. :D

gamedame said...

BTW, if your post title is a reference to the ESPN show called PTI, then woot! I love that show!

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