Realization

Me, Travis and Jen

The Dirty Half Dozen (go with me on this) Brandon, Mandy, Tracey, Josh and Tommy

How was your weekend Loyal Reader? Hopefully wherever in the world that you are, you’ve had a good time, enjoyed your life and haven’t put yourself in hock doing it.

So this begins week 3 of this little thing called my life. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you have to go back and read some of my other posts. A recap would take just as long to type up as this post will and I just don’t want to fully relive it, so I hope you understand.

In any event, let me fill you in on what’s going on so that you know how I’m doing. I’m still living at my friend Ryan’s house. I’m waiting for my room to become available at the one place but it seems that Ryan and his wife, Kristin, miscalculated finances and me being there has given them a little more money that they weren’t sure they were going to have. In a sense I’m helping them as they help me, that is a blessing. I usually only show up to sleep and shower, I do eat with them when I get the chance but because Ryan works security and has odd hours, it doesn’t happen often. It’s an interesting dynamic but thankfully we don’t get on each other’s nerves. I may be there another week, to help them but also because that room is still up in the air. (just waiting on the one guy to move out but he’s firmly ENTRENCHED…)

This weekend was a BLAST! You can not even being to know the fun that I had, well wait, you will know cause I’ll tell you! Friday was a mellow night, I went over to a friend’s house because she had just gotten bad news that some of her relatives had gotten into a fatal car wreck and needed some laughs, of course I’m the person to call. We went out had some food and started watching a mini series called, the 10th Kingdom. If you’ve never watched it, it’s out on DVD and very entertaining.

Saturday night I was asked to go Glow Bowling. I don’t know if this happens everywhere but here in Oregon, many of the bowling alleys shut down the lights, turn on some black lights and let you bowl for two hours, non stop for 12 dollars a head. It’s a lot of fun, good music and silly times. We had a pretty big group that night.

Cast of characters:
Brandon – 25 year old guy. Gamer, mainly XBOX 360, seems okay, this is the first time that I’ve met him. I have to admit that he seems a little arrogant but had his good moments.
Josh – 27 year old guy, brother to Brandon, also a gamer. A LOT more mellow, the personality he carries is very much my own, tongue in cheek, catch a joke at the spur of the moment and Pendleton drinker. Excellent guy and someone that I wouldn’t mind hanging with regularly.
Mandy – 20 year old girl, sister to Josh and Brandon. Tiny little thing full of piss and vinegar. I would not want to cross her on a bad day. Seems to have a nice heart and a good idea of where she wants her life to go. Second most outgoing of the three siblings.
Tommy – 22, dude. Mandy’s boyfriend. This Mo-hawked guy has some ties to some not so nice people in Oregon but he struck me as genuine and I liked that about him. He drives a beat up Supra that will blow its seals if it goes past 110. (heh)
Tracey – 35, lady. I met her a week or so prior and we decided to hang out. Very nice person, funny and feisty. She’s a person you want on your side, and one you’d regret to have against you.
Travis – I’m sure you’ve heard about him.
Jen – You’ve heard about her.
Me – Duh.

So we met at Brandon and Josh’s house and headed over to the bowling alley from there. Now you have to know by now that I enjoy having fun. To me having fun is just as much watching a movie as it is going out to have drinks. Tracey hadn’t been out in a while so we got some pints of alcohol, Skyy Vodka and Pendleton. I figured, shots for everyone who wanted it and we wouldn’t spend much at the bowling alley.
Jen and Travis are always fun, especially when they’ve got some drinks in them. What I didn’t know was that Tracey was also that way LOL.
We were there until 1am. Had a blast, we took several pictures of the event, simply because it was that fun lol.

On Sunday I went to a Softball double header. Travis is part of a beer league and we decided to give him his own little cheering section. Oregon’s finally getting sun in for the summer so we had the ability to enjoy the nice weather and watch the game. I got a little darker since I don’t burn and it looks good.

The fun that was had wasn’t because we were blitzed, at least I wasn’t. It was because we were with friends and honestly, family, that’s what friends up becoming if you give them the chance. I didn’t stare at my computer screen for hours on end, I enjoyed the time given to me and my friends to the hilt.

I’ve taken a step back from playing so much, the majority of why is because I have a social life now. Something that I haven’t had in a long time. It’s rejuvenating and refreshing.

I will say this though. I didn’t go over to M’s house once this weekend, I didn’t even think about it. I won’t say that it’s not still a fresh wound but it is one that’s scabbing over if I don’t sit there and pick at it. I’m not heartless, not in the slightest. Seriously though, not having to worry about stupid non sense and what’s going to happen tomorrow is enlightening. I did get a call from M this morning. She was in tears and asked why I hadn’t come over during the weekend. I explained to her that I had other things to do and really hadn’t dwelled on it.

At the moment she’s trying to convince me to give her another chance. Now she believes that if we move out of her mom’s house and have our own place that it will solve the problems that are currently plaguing us. She feels that she’s seen the error of her ways and that I should give it another go.

I don’t see myself doing that. You have to understand, for those of you thinking I’m evil, that making the move that I did, it really, it really took a long time for me to do. It’s not something that I decided overnight or something that I came to lightly. It’s about my sanity. I don’t care who you are there’s only SO much you can take at any given time and I went well beyond it. The fact that I had to leave for her to get the message to me, it’s heartbreaking. I have to be away from her to understand just how messed up the situation is. Add to that the fact that I’d be going back without knowing for SURE what was going to happen with her. There would always be that gnawing in the back of my head that I didn’t know everything, that everything could crumble again at the drop of a hat… then what would I do? I don’t know that I’d have the courage to pull this off again and I know that while my friends love me and respect all my decisions, I would be doing the same thing I complain about. I would be someone who’s enabling, someone who sees all the angles but doesn’t have the nuts to play one.
I don’t see her in the big picture at the moment. I’m sure that time has passed. I will mourn the relationship, who doesn’t. I can’t go back though. That’s just me. As always you’re willing to give me your opinion. You guys, the readers, you guys inspire me as you continue to read this blog even though it’s gone well past what it used to and I appreciate all the input I get, because I know that there’s different ways to handle things, people view life differently. You need that to make an educated decision. Thank you all.

MOTW

It's been a while since I did one of these for you guys.

If you've never seen this movie and love the gangster feel of Chicago in the 20s, then you're missing out. Hanks gives a great role and there's some great character moments in the movie. The violence is intense but justified.

A great movie to have in the background for ANY game but highly recommended if you're playing a game like GTA or a RPG.

Week 2

There’s little that I dislike more than lies. I’ve had a run in with a few in my life that have been complete whoppers. I’ve told some in the past that could reflect badly on me now if they came back to haunt me honestly. But I try to walk in a way that allows me to not have to sit and lie constantly. Yes I admit that I’ve lied for my wife when the time came but it’s something I just don’t like.

All that being said I went to get some more things from my wife’s place this last weekend. At the moment I’m staying with my friend Ryan and while I’m not staying there permanently, I still needed more clothes and the like. I’ll tell you that going in to see her was like pulling teeth. I didn’t like being there for one. It felt alien to me, like I was crossing some threshold that I shouldn’t have dared step over. I also felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Her family hasn’t had very many nice things to say about me since I left while I’ve tried to keep my nose clean of the mud slinging. The word ‘Mooch’ came up but I don’t know if they realize what that word means. To me, a mooch is someone who takes without offering anything in return. Living off your good graces until you have none of those graces left and then you’re forced to exile them to some remote island where they eat mooch brains. I’ve been nothing but a provider to these people but still I’m defaced and defiled. It doesn’t leave me for wanting to be in their presence anymore.

I went to her house at a moment when I knew that she would be the only one there with the J, the three year old. When I walked in I gave her a hug and gave him a ride on my shoulders, it was nice to be able to interact with him again. Then two things happened with her alone that truly irked me.

1) Ryan’s wedding was two weeks ago. I was invited and so was M but because of the condition she was in and the choice that I was soon going to be making the decision was made by Ryan and his wife Kristin to un-invite M. Now this is something that they told me exclusively, they wanted me there for their big day but they wanted me to be happy, something that they knew wouldn’t happen if I let her tag along with me. I never told anyone this. I never breathed a word of it and just told them all that I decided to go on my own. The about a week ago M told me that her sister T got a call from Ryan telling her that M wasn’t invited to the wedding and that he was calling to let her know. Thing is, Ryan doesn’t have T’s cell phone number. More over, he wouldn’t want to stir that pot knowing that things weren’t going well. So I called her on that and it silenced her. Sunday though she tried to spin a yarn about how Kristin, Ryan’s wife had emailed her and told her she was invited to the wedding. Guys, I’m very open. I don’t deal with lies and secrets. I will confront the people I know with information I learn that I’m not okay with because I refuse to be complacent anymore when it comes to things that I don’t like. After a couple of minutes of pointed questions she conceded that it was a straight lie.

2) The other thing that happened was this. When we first got married I still had friends in Florida. One of them was someone I had known for a long time named Gaby. Gaby was like my sister. She was about eight years older than me and had my quirky sense of humor. We knew when we met that we’d never be anything more than friends but relished our time together. It was fun. I would write her once a month about my exploits and then she would respond. When M and I decided to become and item I wrote Gaby a four page letter about it, talking about our history, how I felt about her and everything else. I never mailed it. Not because I didn’t want to but because the letter I had sent the month before had never gotten a response, so I was waiting for a response before I sent another letter on to her. Now from the way that M tells the story, she was packing some of my books (Even though none are currently packed) and the letter slipped out of one of them. She read it, misinterpreted the thing and then said that I never loved her. When I read it to her OUT LOUD and in the manner it was written, she realized her error.

That’s two things that just really set me off. If you’re trying to fix anything, why would you confront me with a misinterpretation on your part AND a lie? Really that doesn’t say much for her or how she thinks of me in my opinion.

Not long after that her sister and mother showed up. Now I’m going to admit a moment of complete weakness on my part earlier in the week, you can berate me if you wish but I’ve learned my lesson. She called me on Saturday night. She was more coherent and upset. We talked for a bit and she told me about their money woes. They hadn’t been able to make the mortgage payment for the month and were trying to make ends meet. I’m a sap and I have a big heart. I offered to help. I offered to move in for the rest of the month and use the money that was supposed to go for my rent to help them. In that way they wouldn’t feel so much of the pinch. She was happy, I was reserved and then I heard how they (her family) didn’t want me to move back in because I was a mooch… yea that went over like a ton of bricks.

As you can tell this is all incredibly new to me. I feel naïve and stupid at times. My friends have backed me up and are willing to continue to help me, for that I’m eternally grateful.

I know this. I know that I’m soured to marriage at this point. I feel like all I’ve done for the recent past is give and get back less than cipher and I don’t like that, not one bit. I know that it will take me a long time of licking my wounds to trust again, if ever. Don’t mention the word love around me, not if you value me as a person or a friend. I don’t buy it, not now.

I think this is one of the steps of grief, man do I hate it.